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Post by Frank Venable on Jun 17, 2019 14:53:19 GMT -5
The Royal WeThe RP that I think would benefit the most from an Odin grade, as it's neither a Havoc RP where I couldn't use names or a simple 1K RP to not no show. Roleplay: The Royal We Handler: FPV Overall thoughts: blocky alcoholic Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 4 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW Great RP. Digged the narrative, liked the recaps of the Roy Speed thing. Like the coffee shop scene. Everything is enjoyable and just - where did you go wrong? I don’t think you did. I think you close a hot contest. What can you do to improve? Man, IDK. You cut your teeth with the best of us. I think its time you take FPV into a different level. Assess where FPV is and where you want him to do. I think you missed the boat when ADU B first got started because Speede, Dday, those are your boys. You all came up in this at the same time. You’re a big time established WCF talent with a blood feud rivalry with Speede. You should be trying to go for broke with that world title. I know you can make some deadly stuff but IDK if this was it. It was strong, no doubt but Alex is going on a tear. You did a lot to rip into everyone but you didnt really help yourself up. Maybe that's where you went wrong ultimately _______________________ SUGGESTIONS I suggest a re-tool. Edgier, grittier, hungrier. Give a reason to start a fight. Then hand out headshots like a mad man Very helpful stuff, I ded think an edgier, grittier FPV is something that can happen, and hopefully will happen very, very soon.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 17, 2019 15:20:25 GMT -5
I'm not talkin edge lord but a darker-ish version of FPV might freshen things up. EVERYONE in ADUB is good and most ppl are rockin their OG. I'm sorry my feedback has been generic with some people but those are the people that dont really need EFED 101-500. Everything seems to be character related which is stuff that the handler should be doing. I cant sit and say right or wrong about all personal choices. I'm here to help everyone with whatever they need but I'm not comfortable dictating how FPV, Wade, Bull or whoever should act ( unless its swimming with dolphins, fuck that jazz )
at some point you gotta play the meta game
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Post by Frank Venable on Jun 17, 2019 15:26:04 GMT -5
Yeah I get all of that. Honestly just breaching the idea of a slight change in pace and dating nothing else can be just as helpful, since I’m not sure how many people honestly think about those kinds of things.
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Post by Magic Maddox on Jun 18, 2019 11:08:09 GMT -5
I'm not comfortable dictating how FPV, Wade, Bull or whoever should act ( unless its swimming with dolphins, fuck that jazz ) Fuck. I guess I'll scrap what I was thinking of writing for my match with Wade this week then.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 18, 2019 11:50:46 GMT -5
I'm not comfortable dictating how FPV, Wade, Bull or whoever should act ( unless its swimming with dolphins, fuck that jazz ) Fuck. I guess I'll scrap what I was thinking of writing for my match with Wade this week then. Magicians can do anything they want.
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Post by Magic Maddox on Jun 18, 2019 12:04:28 GMT -5
Fuck. I guess I'll scrap what I was thinking of writing for my match with Wade this week then. Magicians can do anything they want. I'm fuckin' one a' them dolphins. I'll make sure I describe the shit out of it for you, Odin.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 18, 2019 12:07:27 GMT -5
Magicians can do anything they want. I'm fuckin' one a' them dolphins. I'll make sure I describe the shit out of it for you, Odin. Go for it. I fished a mermaid out of the ocean with my junk before while riding a snack addicted killer whale. So I mean..
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Post by Magic Maddox on Jun 18, 2019 12:10:11 GMT -5
I'm fuckin' one a' them dolphins. I'll make sure I describe the shit out of it for you, Odin. Go for it. I fished a mermaid out of the ocean with my junk before while riding a snack addicted killer whale. So I mean..
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Post by Corey Bull on Jun 22, 2019 18:02:33 GMT -5
actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/3436/cold-3read my opponents and saw he went a similar route with the asylum. So I was going through all the old storylines Bull has had over the years and delved into one that happened a long time ago. I feel good about this piece, but still want any advice I can get.
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Post by Beau Del Sol on Jun 23, 2019 15:48:55 GMT -5
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Post by Kennedy Matthews on Jun 23, 2019 17:37:07 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2019 12:11:56 GMT -5
Bull
Blaze
Matthews
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2019 12:43:42 GMT -5
actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/3436/cold-3read my opponents and saw he went a similar route with the asylum. So I was going through all the old storylines Bull has had over the years and delved into one that happened a long time ago. I feel good about this piece, but still want any advice I can get. Roleplay: Cold 3 / 3 Handler: bull Overall thoughts: fact checked the origin of “Bull” derived from Norse ‘Boli,’ Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 4.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW You managed to do a ton in this promo and I love to see that. The word management was fantastic. I went and looked up the origin for Bull and it Old Norse “Boli” so wheater you knew that or not, it works in your favor and lends credibility to your character development. The whole scene was set was wonderful and I worried that you put too much into it ( as its easy to do if you like it ) but you only ended up with 200 words in that first section. Another thing was that it was the bulk of your description so its not like you wasted it. You had beats for Bull that services to transition the monologue I enjoyed the history of Lacys death and it gave a lot of insight into the character. The Development of Bull really shown in that little story of how you shattered that guys jaw and crushed his windpipe. Its simple storytelling at its best. I’m raving over this piece because a lot of people want to go over board with the details of a story and its a whole separate side story that ends up detracting from the whole promo. You told a story that fits into the character, the overall desire of the promo and its location. You did not waste any words or emotions in this piece and you were blunt. You go through these emotions of Bull has fire in his eyes, then shoots then calms down, comes back to earth but hes still stern and strong. None of this feels as though its against Bulls personality or that its forced to make him look tougher or bigger than he is. I fully believe Bull is the Hardcore champion and that he will be hard to unseat. I think Wolf can, but lord, will that be a fight. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS A promo like this and a style like yours is perfectly suited for the hardcore title. Right now I feel you’re at the apex of that division. I have nothing to give you to enhance what you’re doing here.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2019 13:29:34 GMT -5
Roleplay: Chasing the US title Handler: Blaze Overall thoughts: fact checked the origin of “Bull” derived from Norse ‘Boli,’ Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 4 Flow: 3 RATING: 3 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I don’t think this promos bad but I think there was poor choices. Its not even all that poorm just Blaze getting beat up by his dad at the beginning. “ I’m a US title challenger” Proceeds to get beat up by old man. “ I threw ZMAC off a roof” Proceeds to get the tapioca beat out of him. The promo is undone by that. You’re credible in your accomplishments. We know you can do it. US Champ, Tag champ, you have the skills and we know Blaze’s story but this time, you cut your legs out. IDK why. I mean, you could have had the argument at the kitchen table, things get rough, mom pulls out the gun and you leave. That at least shows a rift in Blazes relationship with his parents without introducing us to the RP with Blaze being choked up against a wall. So you can ZMAC but pops is a no go? OK, have fun getting tossed by Walter, one of the most complex characters in the fed. IF we move on to the scene with Hattie. That's better CD. It doesnt go anywhere but it doesnt have to, it will ( or it can ) I think its Blaze slowly becoming something that he’s not OR hes moving more into a roll in which ZMAC over shadowed him in. It allows Blaze to grow in different ways. I loved the shoot. I like the new, improved, Copper Head. The self endangering, self destructive, mad man. I’m digging that and I hope you explore in this. I dig it but I feel the rp is weighted wrong. When you have 3 scenes, you gota think sandwich. This should have been in the middle and you should have ended the RP with Hattie and a bit of narrative shoot. You gotta wrap things up. I know I’m guilty of final scene narrative shoot but I try to aim ( hoprfully ) to make it seem like a statement at the end of the promo rather than just tacked on because promo needs shoot. Finally, the spacing is messed up in places and doesnt make for a smooth read _______________________ SUGGESTIONS If you want honest advice, it would be to go to the Hardcore division. I think it compliments the character and your style. I also get the feeling that you may not always have the time you need to write what you want. Just a sad fact of life, I suppose. Right now, I think the US title division is overly saturated with more technically sound writers. Its not that you’re bad but you’re like me, you’re a promo guy. I write wrestling promos. You write wrestling promos. If you want promo advice: Stick to your character, explore the copper head. Explore Blazes coke addiction and how that changes him. You mentioned that 4 months of training and healing. Show us. You gotta be consistent. If you cant be in the US division, drop to hardcore and give Bull and Wolf a hard time. The promos not bad. You didnt do a bad job. You just need to be a consistant writer and that might be the hardest thing to do.
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Post by Wade Moor on Jun 24, 2019 13:43:20 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2019 16:40:43 GMT -5
Roleplay: Royal Champion Handler: Kennedy Mathews Overall thoughts: The diction and inflection is overdone and distracting Rating Overview Scene Description: 2 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 2 RATING: 2.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW O shit, you know ya boi iz all bout dat dick-shun N’ dat mudder fuckin in’flex-shunm. I'mma try not to bash you too hard with the diction cuz I love me some character flavah but I think you went overboard with it. But it was too much and ultimately distracting as a reader. I struggled because it just became too much. I’d tone that down to just certain words. You did a standard interview. That's never a good sign. Interviews are supplemental at best because they scream: “ I have no creative ideas this week” I just dont see this as a championship level promo. I wonder if Flash is laughing because IDK is that thick of an accent this is or its still a thing and a 2nd read through, its more distracting. The 2nd scene doesnt do you much good because you acknowlage Noble as a world champion then try and crap on her and it comes off kinda weird. I get that you have to in a way but she was a world champion and a very big part of WCF, which Kennedy admits to being apart of then leaving. I think you played a good angel in why does Noble deserve X praise right off the bat while Kennedy has been working her ass off. YOURE THE QUEEN, whose a Noble Savage? So that part I’m into but when you’re trying to flex on a world champion who just had a match to take the hall of fame spot from your boss, its a big deal but its hard to give out to that and keep a heel type shoot. Props though for noffink. I know that London accents do that, so as distracting as it is, points for consistency. LOL Teo Blaze, greatness. LMAO OK. The shoots gettin better. You’ve leveled out when you started actually going after the fact that the fed ended shortly after Noble got the belt. OK Overall, subpar content with B+ shoot for its stakes. You had me raging at the start but cleaned up at the end after 2 reading. After a few passes, the accent was still tough but smoothed out. I look at this and go, ok, is this a title worthy promo and I’m not feeling it. You can write better work but overall the promo is a shallow interview segment and a shallow shoot segment. At some point of ticking SD, CD, shoot and flow boxes, you gotta think about the meta game. This doesnt feel like a title worthy RP. Could this beat someone on a normal clash, absolutely but I dont feel its up to snuff for its match type. I dont feel fully convinced as a reader that Kennedy will win. I think you could have done better. Some things clicked, some things didnt and if I have to go back and re-read promos because of pacing and flow, that's a big problem. I think you tripped up in technical areas that you could not foresee. The voice, her tone, her nature, is good. its easy business if you get the shoot right like you did at the end. you're pretty much a politician and gotta run like that. Noble Savage, the mother of isis, lead the US down a dark path but your queen is here to save you all and champion you to victory. EDIT: Just checked match results. You won. fuck me, right lol so I guess this was good enough to win. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS General suggestions: pick and choose the diction, it can be distracting and off putting to casual readers who are not as invested with Kennedy. If you’re going to give basic scenes, at least throw in narrative shoot to round things out. Meta suggestions: craft a promo for your match type and its stakes. Are simple interview scene worthy of advancing in a tournament like this? If you make it through, a promo like this wont cut it for the finals. I think its going to be finer details from here on out with the character rather than basic good shoot blah blah blah. You gotta work on the minor things that make Kennedy, Kennedy…. ken-nah-dey
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2019 17:31:51 GMT -5
Roleplay: Come with me to the mad world Handler: Wade Overall thoughts: Switches, dat you fam? Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 4.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW You’ve managed to wrap up Switch, Greenie, Obi and ZMAC into one character. You have all the aspects of what made creepy madmen. I liked this rp. Thought it was better than the intro to tatters. You even got your own paper street soap works. There was the unique shoot that you and Maddox are magicians and buddies, and come be buddies maddox. Remember when you couldnt buy a win ? LMAO me either. The start of the promo brought up emotions and feelings and I felt I was right there with Wade rather than just seeing wade. Then you wrap around with the young people and lure them in. I’m here for Creepy wade. The shoot wasnt traditional and you’re better at that than I am. So you hit him with shoot only you could hit him with. It was effective in non traditional ways. I think this is something that's only going to get better. In a month, this is going to be B A N A N A S You need to watch the meta though. I think you’re uses too much CD and not enough match related content. WADE still has a match to win and a belt to win. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Dont shoot yourself by just shootin on your self. Shoot on your opponent, brother jack. Dont get lost in your meta and give things equal time. Part of your promo could have been a AW Network excluuuusive.
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Post by Wade Moor on Jun 24, 2019 18:00:07 GMT -5
Roleplay: Come with me to the mad world Handler: Wade Overall thoughts: Switches, dat you fam? Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 4.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW You’ve managed to wrap up Switch, Greenie, Obi and ZMAC into one character. You have all the aspects of what made creepy madmen. I liked this rp. Thought it was better than the intro to tatters. You even got your own paper street soap works. There was the unique shoot that you and Maddox are magicians and buddies, and come be buddies maddox. Remember when you couldnt buy a win ? LMAO me either. The start of the promo brought up emotions and feelings and I felt I was right there with Wade rather than just seeing wade. Then you wrap around with the young people and lure them in. I’m here for Creepy wade. The shoot wasnt traditional and you’re better at that than I am. So you hit him with shoot only you could hit him with. It was effective in non traditional ways. I think this is something that's only going to get better. In a month, this is going to be B A N A N A S You need to watch the meta though. I think you’re uses too much CD and not enough match related content. WADE still has a match to win and a belt to win. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Dont shoot yourself by just shootin on your self. Shoot on your opponent, brother jack. Dont get lost in your meta and give things equal time. Part of your promo could have been a AW Network excluuuusive. I genuinely appreciate the feedback! For me the shoot/CD balance is tough sometimes because I try to quantify it based on a few different variables. This week I felt like my shoot was running over a little bit so I decided to wrap it up. I really like that you’re doing this because it definitely gets the brain stew stirring with little things to tweak here and there that also effect the overall depiction of the character. Thanks brudder. Also to be mentioned in the same breath as Switches/GF/Obi/ZMAC on that list of delightful weirdos is a huge honor.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2019 18:26:39 GMT -5
you can never be too heavy on the shoot, brother jack
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Teo Blaze
Professional Wrestler
Buy Gentburgercoin!
Posts: 335
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Post by Teo Blaze on Jun 24, 2019 18:53:32 GMT -5
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