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Post by Damian Kaine on Aug 2, 2020 5:53:28 GMT -5
Howdy, folks! I just wanted to get some feedback on this week's RP. I personally feel like it's the best thing I've put out since the Cruiserweight transition. So, naturally, I wanna find out what;s wrong with it. Soooooo FIRE AWAY! actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/6837/time-700
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Post by Carter Shaw on Aug 2, 2020 16:10:54 GMT -5
Alright, live writing of some feedie as I read...ie. I'll put in italics what I'm literally clicking over to type to you AS I read it. Right off the bat, I can tell you picked a cool way to use your 700. Telling a 'story' to tell a story is a clever way to include all the people in your match. I like, off the cuff of the first paragraph, that you included Karlie as the 'slaying character' of sorts. I see what you're gonna do here and I like it. Puts every one on your team over and, in the end, Kaine as well.
Typo: "Lord Clairmonte found himself with a leg to stand on". Clearly you meant 'no leg to stand on'. You lose juice on that punching shoot-style line with the mistake. Proof read it to yourself outloud like a crazy person. haha
Very nice touch having each 'warrior story' focus on their weakness. Nice way to sneak shoot in. CDC for his arrogance, Yurei for dominating but 'choking' when it matters most.
It becomes a little hard to focus on the story towards the end, but I see what you're doing, having the stories overlap onto themselves with "Jedidiah The Kid" (lol) being the bandit in Rei's story and The Wizard being Teo as the champ. Very nice touch.
I wouldn't have called it the Story of four HEROES
LOVE the wrap up by Kaine after closing the story book. Love that you don't necessarily use the "All-In" qualifying match stipulation but rather make it for a chance to enter the courts of Actionia. As if the real prize is getting to step up to the "main roster" to show what you've got. And ofcourse, the final stamp of what the intertwining stories was really saying...that there's no way these 4 are going to be able to co-exist, and that's why they will lose.Very fun read, my dude. Great concept, very different and fun way to read (and to write, I'm sure) the 700 you've got to work with. My main point of advice for "how it could have been better" is to have had Damian put over throughout the story in some sort of representation way. The way Lady Nash Of Karlieton came into play in the Story Of Clairemont was sweet, and it would've been cool to see everyone on your team, most importantly yourself, get in on the fiction. Is he the Knight? Cheers, brother. Great work. You know who would really love this kind of concept RP? ...*sniff* Raging Dead. RIP.
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Post by Damian Kaine on Aug 2, 2020 22:23:10 GMT -5
Fucck. I can't lie about that typo, it was 5 in the morning lmaoooo. And yes, Damian was the knight. In the original draft, which was almost 300 words over cap, went into more detail on the knight. But thank you so much, my dude. And yes. I did this all for RD
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