Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Mar 29, 2020 8:30:11 GMT -5
I'm bored. If you want feedback or have questions just drop them here. <3
|
|
Dagvald Riddik
Professional Wrestler
Everything can be a joke if you just laugh
Posts: 70
|
Post by Dagvald Riddik on Mar 29, 2020 8:41:23 GMT -5
I would be a fool to turn down this opportunity. What do you think of this new incarnation of Dag? I'm hoping I finally have this character nearly nailed down. Have you read "An Introduction to Dagvald Riddik?" Based on that and my other rps do you think I'm pulling off the supernatural and mythological aspects of his story in a reasonably fashion? Basically, just gimme some feedback from your genius pwetty pwease OwO
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Mar 29, 2020 9:19:03 GMT -5
*makes thread with jokey title*
*jokey title ends up coming to reality after first post*
ahhh 8K RPs. how i have not missed writing you at all
I'll get back to you ASAP my man
|
|
|
Post by Lissie Hope on Mar 29, 2020 10:43:09 GMT -5
Could I get your thoughts on my cash-in? The build, the RP, the result? How does it compare to yours?
|
|
NATE
Professional Wrestler
Posts: 182
|
Post by NATE on Mar 29, 2020 17:59:00 GMT -5
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Mar 30, 2020 2:08:35 GMT -5
Dagvald Riddik
Man, you are a technically gifted writer. Your scene description and prose in general is just fantastic to read. I'd argue it's up there with Crow and Wade, who are two of the best in that department. I vaguely remember your stuff from WCF, but that intro role-play definitely reminded me about your writing ability. Your characterization and dialogue is spot on too, the voice you have going on with Dag is just fucking perfect, man.
I will say though, be careful with your scene description. Is it A+ material that's top tier? Absolutely. It's clear you can whip out that ability at any time and really turn it up for your role-plays, but sometimes? Less is more. I can't think of "perfect" examples off the top of my head necessarily, but Flash and Pasternak come to mind. These guys can write some really advanced shit, but there's definitely times where they calm it down a bit and write simpler too, because sometimes? The simple, straight to the point sentence can really cut through to the reader and get right to the point.
And think about it this way too: Think about how much you're conveying with your descriptions, and then think about how much of that could be better served for another purpose. It's a balancing act. You have to use your words carefully around here to make sure they're having the most impact they possibly can. This is what separates the really solid RPers from the guys who are killing it at the top of the card every week. Look at Lissie Hope when she's on. Every sentence has a meaning and is meant to elicit some type of reaction from the reader. I'm not saying you don't do that, and you two have extremely different characters, so her style wouldn't necessarily work for you. But the point I'm trying to make is... words are probably the most valuable thing around here, so you have to use them wisely.
As for the supernatural and mythological aspects of your story? Like I said, you're killing it man. Dagvald in just a few roleplays has already solidified himself as one of the most interesting characters Action Wrestling has ever, and probably will ever see. You're pulling it off exceptionally well, it's clear to me that you know what you're talking about and that this is something you're comfortable writing, and I'm assuming you enjoy writing about it too. It really shines through. This is the gimmick of a World Champion, and not only that, but you're executing it at the quality you'd expect of a main-eventer. So in that regard? You're doing awesome.
On a random sidenote (because I'm writing this as I read through your stuff, so a lot of it is sort of "live reaction") that scene with Isabella in your RP "Wield It, Lest Ye Wither" is excellent. I think it's a great contrast from what's going on in Dag's world. I'd love to see more of that in your future work.
So now onto your shoot.
It's good. You preserve the voice that makes the character, and the approaches you take to dissecting the opposition are good. I pick up on the sense of disgust Dag has towards opponents that he deems unworthy, the pride, ego, and the deranged/disillusioned aspects of the character shine through at their best here. I think you could do a little more on the "why" though, that being "why Dag is going to win" which I think is an important aspect that the top-tier dudes are able to nail every single week. I get it may be hard to do that given a lot of Clash matches aren't given the full 4K word count any more, but an example of you not really giving us the "why" is your RP "Forsaken" against Jaice.
However, you did a much better job of it in "Deadliest Warrior" and it shows that you're easily capable of doing so. I'd suggest you compare the shoot between those two role-plays and see if you can see what I'm talking about. Against Jaice, you made good points about him and definitely did a solid job on the dissection front, but there wasn't a lot of building of Dag as a competitor.
Then against Jacqui, you just came out and pretty much said "Yeah, I'm a fucking Demigod who can rip you in half with my brute strength".
That's the kind of shit I'd expect to see from Dag. He needs to sell himself as an absolute beast who is going to run through people. And what made it even better? You still kept all that high quality dissection you had from your Jaice RP.
That's about all I can give you at the moment, dude. You've really impressed me with your roleplays here, it was a pleasure to go through them. You have a really high ceiling with this character. and that's not me blowing smoke. If there's any other suggestion I can give you: add some of that mythological theme into your shoot if you can, incorporate themes and really go all in with the gimmick. That's what'll set you apart and really bring you into your own as a top 5 RPer here, which I could definitely see you accomplishing with a little cleaning of the edges.
All the best! <3
P.S sorry if some of this doesn't flow or make sense I wrote it all in one sitting and like I said, live reactions and all lmao
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Mar 30, 2020 2:39:34 GMT -5
Could I get your thoughts on my cash-in? The build, the RP, the result? How does it compare to yours? I'm going to get the negative out of the way first, and I'm going to be completely honest with you because I think you can take it: I don't really like the way you cashed-in. Some people will agree with me on this, and a lot of people with disagree with me, but that's just my opinion and that's all it is, an opinion. You're one of the best writers here, I think you could've cashed in on a week where Frank RPed and still have won it. This isn't just a shot against you, I've spoke with this to Torture on multiple occasions, I just really dislike the rule that a champion can be cashed in on when they have a week off. I'm always going to be in the camp that this rule shouldn't be a thing, no matter who has the case. Even when I had the case, I told Torture that I thought it was a bad rule. Nobody wants to write on their week off, that's just how I've always seen it. And as I said, I think you're at the level where even if the champion did RP, you'd have the quality to beat them RP to RP. I guess another reason it sort of annoys me is like... think of it this way. Ryan looked a lot weaker than Lissie did for her cash-in. Ryan cashed-in on SJW after he had just competed, so it makes Ryan look weak. Even though OOC? I had to RP and actively beat a high quality RP SJW put out to defend his belt in the first place. It was 4K against 4K. But even still, Ryan comes out not looking all that strong. Lissie went up against a healthy Frank who, yes may have been "caught off guard" and had been dropped just prior to the cash-in, but hadn't just been through a match. She comes out looking strong because, all things considered, she pretty much cleanly beat Frank. But OOC? It was 4K against none. Maybe I shouldn't have gone so in-depth on this part, but I pride myself on honesty and this was just my feelings on the matter. Do I think any of this discredits your reign or the work you did to get here? Not in the slightest. But I do think you could've cashed-in at the PPV or any week Frank actually had a chance to show, and still achieved the same result. But like I said, my opinion doesn't really matter, so do with it what you will. I hope this doesn't cause any issues. Now, let's get into the rest. The BuildYour build was fucking awesome, dude. You did so much more with that case than I think anybody else on the roster would've done, and that includes myself. You made the main-event scene for months at a time revolve around that case. You got so many different people involved in storylines, you had the champ playing defense, Lissie trying to recruit people to help her not get screwed out of her cash ins, and everything in between. It was a constantly developing thing that you had going on that definitely added another exciting layer to the main-event. Plus, you sold the shit out of the case. You made it a massive deal, exactly as it should be. You went levels beyond anything I did with the case. As for a direct comparison? Well, Lissie and Ryan were in two very different situations. Lissie, for all of her success, was at times the "underdog" and going "against the odds" because there were people screwing her out of her opportunities, or teaming up against her. Ryan on the other hand, was an undefeated against everyone except Wade Moor... who was on his own team and thus couldn't get in the way of a cash in and title reign by Ryan. Ryan was opposed by #FightSmart, but he had his own crew alongside him to help balance that out, whereas Lissie had to do much of the dirty work on her own and find the perfect opportunity. I think the biggest similarity between the two was that it solidified them as heels, and that it was clearly a matter of them both being like: "Fuck this. My time is now. Get out of the way." which I think suited both characters perfectly for where they were at in their development. Ryan had lost his first World Title match, been screwed out of two cash ins (once by Shadow and once by Tort) and finally just said fuck it, I've got my own crew now, whose going to stop me? Lissie had reached the gold already once, but it was crippling when she lost it and made her want it back even more than before. That hunger really came through as she waited and waited... until she finally pulled the trigger. The RPCome on, do I even need to touch on this? Your writing is excellent, and it's only continued to improve as you've developed both your shoot and character development. As I briefly mentioned in my Dag feedback... you are a masterful user of the word count you are given. No scene is wasted or doesn't have a meaning to it, you bring so much emotion and vulnerability to the table that I think makes your writing easy to relate to in some ways. It's really a different take on a style that I don't see many people do. I think myself and Pasternak do it to an extent, but you add such a different twist on it that I don't think many people can pull off. Can it come off as being a bit melodramatic? I think so. Maybe not in this RP, but I think in general when you buy in to this style and write it so frequently, you always run the risk of something not coming off exactly as intended. There's such a fine line that you have to teeter that can make this style so difficult to achieve without coming off as "cringe" or as "romanticizing" things, but I think that's just a risk you have to be willing to take since it has led you to having such an iconic style as a RPer. And 9 times out of 10 I'd say you hit the mark just right. Direct comparison to my RP? It's difficult to. My RP didn't really directly address SJW or anything because I already had a match that week and wanted to drop "hints" while not being all that obvious. Your RP was hyper-focused and, as I said, everything had a purpose. We saw a great, emotional scene, followed by the beginning of Lissie, and then? She just went in. It was one of those shoots I was reading where I felt like, if you had the time and word limit, you could've just carried on and on with how much fuel you had. The amount of build you've had, the journey the character has been on, it all culminated into a RP that was special, and deserving of being a World Title winning RP. That's about it from me! If you got any more questions or wanna discuss shit, you can drop it here or PM me. Congrats once again and good luck with your reign <3
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Apr 3, 2020 19:13:57 GMT -5
Hey dude, sorry for the delay on this. I'll get onto it after my shift today.
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Apr 6, 2020 1:13:46 GMT -5
So are you going to tell us who you are, or am I gonna have to try and figure it out? Or am I just completely out of the loop and everyone already knows and the jokes on me? Either way. this RP was fucking weird. Not in the bad way obviously, because that's what you were going for right? You clearly got ability from a technical standpoint and your descriptions are on point, maybe a bit wordy and there's a lot of exposition there that could perhaps be done in a more clever way, but it doesn't really detract from the overall quality of the piece since the shoot was substantial and the scenes definitely left an impression on me as a reader (what kind of impression exactly... I'm still trying to work out, but I think it was good) The shoot was gimmicky and over the top. It's fresh and not something a lot of people do. ZMAC is a prime example and it's why he's such a well regarded character and handler, because it's something different and it's tough to pull off. I think you did it well. My advice is sort of meaningless for two reasons: I don't write your style and wouldn't have a chance in hell at being good at writing it. I can't write comedy and I struggle to get out of my comfort zone. Reason number two is, I don't really know what you want to achieve with this character. What I mean by that is, I don't know if you want to be "successful" (in regards to E-Fedding) with him, like winning titles and a lot of matches and shit. If that's what you want? I'd keep the comedic side and the style of shoot, but I'd try and implement some more story beats in there that add layers to what's going on. That first scene you had written was intriguing and I wanted to see more of it and see where it went. I don't know the context of the match but I'm assuming there was a word limit, hence the switching of scenes and stuff. But yeah, if you keep adding scenes like that, I think the contrast it creates is interesting and gives you an element that not a lot of us in this hobby can pull off. Great stuff overall!
|
|
|
Post by Quixote Della Torre on Apr 6, 2020 3:16:13 GMT -5
So are you going to tell us who you are, or am I gonna have to try and figure it out? Or am I just completely out of the loop and everyone already knows and the jokes on me? Either way. this RP was fucking weird. Not in the bad way obviously, because that's what you were going for right? You clearly got ability from a technical standpoint and your descriptions are on point, maybe a bit wordy and there's a lot of exposition there that could perhaps be done in a more clever way, but it doesn't really detract from the overall quality of the piece since the shoot was substantial and the scenes definitely left an impression on me as a reader (what kind of impression exactly... I'm still trying to work out, but I think it was good) The shoot was gimmicky and over the top. It's fresh and not something a lot of people do. ZMAC is a prime example and it's why he's such a well regarded character and handler, because it's something different and it's tough to pull off. I think you did it well. My advice is sort of meaningless for two reasons: I don't write your style and wouldn't have a chance in hell at being good at writing it. I can't write comedy and I struggle to get out of my comfort zone. Reason number two is, I don't really know what you want to achieve with this character. What I mean by that is, I don't know if you want to be "successful" (in regards to E-Fedding) with him, like winning titles and a lot of matches and shit. If that's what you want? I'd keep the comedic side and the style of shoot, but I'd try and implement some more story beats in there that add layers to what's going on. That first scene you had written was intriguing and I wanted to see more of it and see where it went. I don't know the context of the match but I'm assuming there was a word limit, hence the switching of scenes and stuff. But yeah, if you keep adding scenes like that, I think the contrast it creates is interesting and gives you an element that not a lot of us in this hobby can pull off. Great stuff overall! It's the biggest open secret ever. NATE is me. But, to be fair, that has probably been mentioned on the FB chat during timezones not exactly Australia friendly and obscure threads on this forum. Oh and the Pridecast like 10 times haha. Thanks a lot for the feedback. NATE is kinda a joke/jobber character but I've clearly still put some passion into him and want others to enjoy it. It's a different style from my norm. Comedy has really not been my forte as QDT and I'm almost trying to convince myself I can pull it off. I've heard that some people like him but I hadn't heard much on the actual RPs. The RP you fed back on was the first where I properly tried to introduce some backstory. I very much appreciate your incisive comments. You're spot on regarding exposition; I'm writing with lingering concern that no one read previous NATE RPs because he's not yet seen as legit so I didn't give the reader much credit and, as such, spoon fed them as to who the characters were. Wordiness... absolutely. I fall into this trap a lot as QDT too, I think, so I'm glad you've articulated it as I've wondered if it was coming across. I tend to be more punchy in my segments actually but tend to fall into the trap of using big words in RPs due to the competitive nature of them and my insecurity in my prose. You aimed a good question - what exactly are my intentions with NATE? I don't honestly know. I think 700 word RPs were feeling restrictive as QDT so I wanted something more to write. If and when QDT goes back to the main roster, I don't know whether NATE will stick around. He's a comedy jobber at the moment, but I do have a fairly elaborate backstory all mapped out for him. He's definitely not competitive... but, like Flash said on his recent Pridecast, he could potentially go more serious at some point and maybe make a good go of it. However, QDT is my bread and butter here in AW so he'll come always first while my affection for the character is still alive. Thanks for the time you've taken on this. "Fucking weird" - I love this; I'll take it all day long
|
|
|
Post by J.C. Keeton on Apr 7, 2020 13:58:41 GMT -5
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Apr 19, 2020 21:49:44 GMT -5
So uhh... fun fact: I just saw this. I'm sorry. Hopefully the feedback is still applicable lol I like the idea behind this roleplay. You had an excellent start. I love how you referenced the people Keeton considered as "threats" to the title who weren't involved in the match. It puts Keeton on a pedestal, furthers his development as the champ and sort of gives him a direction with the belt should he defend it here. It's a great setup because you're addressing the state of the division, showing that the characters aware of what's going on and that it matters to them. I haven't read the other RPs for this match, but I can only assume you lost because you didn't really go in on anyone in the match. Yeah, you indirectly shoot on them with the comparisons to leftovers and whatnot, but it's not enough in a championship match. I understand it's hard to fit stuff into the limit with the amount of people in the match, but you gotta find a way to incorporate at least a little about everyone. I would advise this for pretty much every multi-man match EXCEPT for Havoc. You're a good shooter, you have a good voice with the character. There's a lot to like here and there's a reason you had the belt. I just think you got caught in a tough spot to defend in and missed the mark a little. It happens. The RP was still good, but when it comes to defending belts? You gotta come with the heat, and that generally means being the hardest hitting shooter in the match and really asserting why your character is the champ. You did the last bit exceptionally well in your RP, I felt like Keeton made it clear that he was the standard for the CW Division... but it's always gonna be tough to win when you're not dropping the hammer on the people you're defending against. You clearly got quality, just get the formula down and you'll be a rough match-up for just about anyone here.
|
|
|
Post by J.C. Keeton on Apr 20, 2020 0:42:10 GMT -5
So uhh... fun fact: I just saw this. I'm sorry. Hopefully the feedback is still applicable lol I like the idea behind this roleplay. You had an excellent start. I love how you referenced the people Keeton considered as "threats" to the title who weren't involved in the match. It puts Keeton on a pedestal, furthers his development as the champ and sort of gives him a direction with the belt should he defend it here. It's a great setup because you're addressing the state of the division, showing that the characters aware of what's going on and that it matters to them. I haven't read the other RPs for this match, but I can only assume you lost because you didn't really go in on anyone in the match. Yeah, you indirectly shoot on them with the comparisons to leftovers and whatnot, but it's not enough in a championship match. I understand it's hard to fit stuff into the limit with the amount of people in the match, but you gotta find a way to incorporate at least a little about everyone. I would advise this for pretty much every multi-man match EXCEPT for Havoc. You're a good shooter, you have a good voice with the character. There's a lot to like here and there's a reason you had the belt. I just think you got caught in a tough spot to defend in and missed the mark a little. It happens. The RP was still good, but when it comes to defending belts? You gotta come with the heat, and that generally means being the hardest hitting shooter in the match and really asserting why your character is the champ. You did the last bit exceptionally well in your RP, I felt like Keeton made it clear that he was the standard for the CW Division... but it's always gonna be tough to win when you're not dropping the hammer on the people you're defending against. You clearly got quality, just get the formula down and you'll be a rough match-up for just about anyone here. The feedback is much appreciated. I agree completely as well after having time to process why this was a failed experiment that didn't work.
|
|