Post by Der Metzger on Mar 28, 2021 21:34:58 GMT -5
You are now entering the majestic city of Orlando. Theme Park Capital of the World. Home to Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen corpse. The fourth most populated city in Florida. The only city (probably) where the Mayor's name is Buddy. Just off of the Pressard L. Holland East-West Expressway is an essential local business called Cardinal Casket. That is where we're at today, as Devil's Gate representative Richard Michaels is holding a press conference. He shuffles some note cards and swats a fly from his hair before addressing the crowd. [MICHAELS] "Thank you all for joining me today. Before the internet blows out with memes, the location of this press conference was intentional. Cardinal Casket has been providing the funeral industry a complete line of North American manufactured caskets since 1973. With the increase in unnecessary deaths due to the Global Dempanic, business was really booming last year." There is a ruckus amongst the reporters in attendance as they bombard him with questions. [MICHAELS] "Now, now. There's a time for your bias questions and that time is no time. Where was I? Oh, right. Dead bodies were piling up in the streets and - thanks to a buyout by Devil's Gate Enterprises - Cardinal Casket became the number one one provider in the country. For those not interested in being buried in the Earth as our Lord prefers, Devil's Gate also operates Delaware Valley Cremation Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. After forty billion legal votes for Donald J. Trump were destroyed there, we bought a modicum of justice by purchasing the cremation center." Again, the reporters assault him with questions. [MICHAELS] "Okay, fine. As a benevolent servant of The Almighty God, I will graciously suffer through questions at this time. You. Who are you?" [REPORTER] "Thank you, Mr. Pen--uhh-Michaels. My name is-- [MICHAELS] "It doesn't matter what your name is!" [REPORTER] "But you just… nevermind. Is this the same Cardinal Casket that became involved with Action Wrestling last summer?" [MICHAELS] "Why, yes, it is. At Chaos, live on pay per view, the prop casket used during the Buried Alive Match was property of Cardinal Casket." The reporters look shocked, then their hands all go in the air. He waves down their noisey quandary. [MICHAELS] "The match itself was sponsored by Cardinal Casket, and both men received a significant bonus. Of course one of them didn't have the opportunity to spend it since he, uhh, passed in a totally accidental way. Another question from, uhh, you there. Don't bother with a name." [REPORTER] "What is the significance of your visit here today, Mr. Michaels?" [MICHAELS] "Oh, please. Mr. Michaels was Father's name. Pause for laughter. No? Okay. Moving on. I am here today to announce a value pack of caskets. Is your entire family dying from fear in your commie basement? Was your Spring Break filled with a fake virus instead of chlamydia? Are you planning on murdering five people at Timebomb? Come on down to Cardinal Casket!" A banner rolls out behind him. There is an uneasy roar amongst the reporters as they begin to back away. [MICHAELS] “Wait! Don’t go! Listen, folks. I know this world is not what we thought it would be at this point. The Global Dempanic really messed with God’s Plan. Patriots all over the country are being cancelled for exercising their unlimited freedoms. Through Devil’s Gate, we can prosper and create utopia. The work we are doing is for the better of all mankind. Our various subsidiaries such as Capital Casket… Delaware Valley Cremation Center… Dunkin Donuts… Newsmax… are committed to ushering in world peace.” Realizing he is losing them, he shuffles through his note cards. He then sighs and sets them down. [MICHAELS] “Despite multiple failures, we have found the beacon to bridge the gap between the multiverse. Raging Dead’s ritual sacrifice was--” Verblassen zu... A lifetime of horrors brought Todd Metzger to this country, and into the open arms of Devil’s Gate. Within a year, he made his debut with the absolute best professional wrestling promotion on this or any other planet… Action Wrestling. Three months later, he defeated a former World Champion to become United States Champion on the lawn of the White House. Two months later he will become World Champion. All of this sounds improbable… but it is certainly possible. For the man… nay, monster… called Der Metzger to make it this far… without any significant setback in his treatment… is nothing short of a miracle. Countless obstacles were placed in front of him and he maneuvered flawlessly like a damn German Ninja Warrior. Everyone doubted him on his rise to the top… and they were all gravely mistaken to do so. Even now… when he is at the very peak of his mental stability… and fully in control of his destiny… they still doubt his chances. The oddsmakers are having a good time with the main event at Timebomb. All bets are that Ash Blake retains and continues her reign as World Champion, with speculation being that Philidor will be responsible for her victory… again. By looking at her, without seeing what makes her tick, there’s not a soul who could have seen this coming. This weak, fragile being has spent less time in the ring than most in this company, but has somehow enjoyed two months as World Champion. Now she has the misfortune of defending in what I believe is the second ever Elimination Chamber Match in Action Wrestling history. One of the most brutal matches in the business… and this five-foot-nothing, one-hundred-and-nothing-pounds mortal has to defend against a literal fuckin’ monster called Der Metzger… and four others will be there. She is the ultimate underdog in this story, and that’s such a strange position for a corporate meat puppet to be in. Alas, her time is nearly up… and then she can return to the mailroom where she belongs. This business is not for the weak stomached, and I just don’t think she can handle the buffet of carnage that’s coming her way now that Der Metzger has stormed his way into the line. Now, I was just as surprised as everyone when he was announced as the first challenger at Timebomb… but it made perfect sense. Action Wrestling needs a strong, resilient, durable World Champion… and they knew Der Metzger was the man for the job. Of course there are others involved in this match at Timebomb… because you can’t have an Elimination Chamber Match with just two people. It makes sense to add fillers, and they all had to earn their way into this match. They all have desire to be seen as the very best this company has to offer… and without the destructive presence of Der Metzger… any one of them could be the one to remove the World Title from the corporate clutches of Philidor’s stooge. What if the man representing The Following beats the odds and finally becomes World Champion? No, I’m not talking about Dandy DiVito. I’m talking about his sidekick Kyle Kemp. A man forever destined to be the guy standing next to the guy who is on top. Every run he has had in this company for the last three years, he’s never been seen as ”the guy” and that has got to eat him up inside. I empathize with his place in life, because I’ve been there all my life. Growing up… I idolized my cousin. At a young age, I started trading tapes with wrestling fans all over the world just to see what he was up to. I wanted to be just like him. Then, when I was old enough, he trained me to follow in his footsteps. Had it not been for my calling to defend our country, I would have stuck with it and maybe… just maybe… been half as good as he was. Even half as good as Raging Dead would be twice as good as Kyle Kemp ever was. Raging Dead is a first ballot Action Wrestling Hall of Famer… and Kyle Kemp will forever be known as the ninth best United States Champion in Action Wrestling history. The top of that list would be Der Metzger… obviously. As United States Champion, he will soon also become World Champion… and then simultaneously defend the titles as often as needed. He will rule over Monday Night Clash with a dominant and benevolent spirit… and that’s something Kyle Kemp just can’t do. One thing that Der Metzger can not do is devote his entire life-force to suplexes like the young man who was named after a French catapult for some reason. While Trey Bouchet was perfecting over seven thousand different variations of the suplex, Der Metzger was steamrolling everyone in his path to get to this very moment in time. Bouchet has a singular focus on wordplay, while Der Metzger has a singular focus on domination. They are not in the same league. Hell, they aren’t even in the same weight class. I know that’s not as relevant in this business today… but it says a lot when a kid like Bouchet can’t even be a success on a show like CruiserClash, filled with all kinds of tiny, dorky people. Remember his incredible run as Cruiserweight Champion? No, you don’t, because it never happened. Meanwhile… Der Metzger has beaten off men left and right… and even trampled Regan Voorhees when she bribed her way into a championship match at Battlefield. Der Metzger is barely above the limit that divides the two brands… but he’s already proven his strength by suplexing the goliath Odin Balfore… so how could lil’ Bouchet be a challenge? The true physical marvel is the twig of a man named Spencer Adams. He is one of the few on the current landscape of this company who was here in the very beginning, and he has held nearly every championship along the way. If I’m not mistaken, he is the current Hardcore Champion. It’s hard to keep up with matters that don’t revolve around Der Metzger, so excuse me for inquiring. Has Spencer Adams done anything to elevate that championship? Surely a superstar of his magnitude would be able to elevate the Hardcore Championship to new heights… but I don’t recall anything of note with it. Oh! He recently defended against Claire Hawkins! That’s right. How could I forget such a mediocre defense of a once-great championship? Der Metzger once defeated Ms. Hawkins in a fraction of the time and effort that it took Mr. Adams in his encounter with her. Comparing Metzger and Adams is like putting a bowling ball up against a bowling pin. One of them is fated to knock down the other, with that other only existing to be knocked down. It was inevitable that these two would meet one day… and when that happens at Timebomb… the world will see fate in all its glory. The final challenger on this list… and yeah, it’s definitely a list… is The King of ALMOST All Wrestlers… Corey Black. His kingdom does have domain over Der Metzger. He checks all the boxes for what a company needs as their World Champion… which is what made his reign so successful before he was robbed by the cowardly pencil pushers from Philidor. There are many parallels between Mr. Black and Der Metzger that could take up quite a bit of my time… but the most bold of them is his prior affliction with an entity called Creeping Death. See… the man under the mask… his name is Todd. Following an unfortunate incident on the isle of Jersey, off the shore of France… he, too, fell victim to a dark entity. This was not done to sell t-shirts to marks or get a fancy new action figure. This was the real deal. Through extensive, expensive, experimental treatment as Devil's Gate… Todd is operating without that dark entity. For how long? That is unknown. With or without… his… control over Todd, the end result at Timebomb remains the same. No king or suplexpert or franchise or cult leader or usurper can deactivate The Maine Event at Timebomb. Es ist unvermeidlich. You are now entering Devil’s Gate in Castle Rock, Maine. An absolutely real city in one of the most mediocre states in our great nation. Business is booming for Devil's Gate on all fronts from digital media to mental health services to underwater basket weaving. Their success is undeniable as they continue to grow in their fifth decade. Today, at this very moment, Devil's Gate founder Reginald Royce is in his office working on annual performance reviews. Wanting a fresh perspective, he has called on an old colleague to come off the bench. The man, the monster, the legend. Former fifty-or-whatever-time World Champion Aj Nin Red Rum, known in semi-retirement as Will Schorg. Yes, the father of stalwart CruiserClash tag team Schorg Bros. Yes, the step-father of CruiserGreat Sara Pettis. Yes, his work-name is Murder Ninja backwards. Yes, he is sitting across from Dr. Royce. [SCHORG] "Jeremy… D… Twiztid… Pete… Void… and even Sara. As her father, I don’t agree with you on a few things about her… but you’re the boss, boss. Is that everyone?” [ROYCE] "There’s one member of our team who I believe must be… terminated.” Royce hands over a manilla folder and Schorg opens it up. His eyes widen and he skims the page, shaking his head. [SCHORG] “Are you sure about this?” [ROYCE] "His tenure at Devil’s Gate was to serve a purpose and… quite frankly… he has not been successful.” [SCHORG] “You’re kidding… right? The guy has been unbeatable in Action Wrestling since November. Aside from being United States Champion… he could leave Timebomb as World Champion! If that’s not successful… then I think you might be the crazy one, doc.” [ROYCE] "His in-ring success in Action Wrestling is irrelevant when it comes to his time at Devil’s Gate. The work we’ve done together was to meet a need… and he has failed to accomplish our goals.” [SCHORG] “You mean the whole beacon thing, huh?” [ROYCE] "Yes. You’ve missed quite a bit over the last few months, William… but we’ve made significant progress with a patient who is now in Las Vegas. It was expected for some time that Mr. Metzger was the beacon, but ultimately… the results were disappointing.” [SCHORG] “So you want to fire the guy because he can’t bridge a gap to a magical world or whatever?” [ROYCE] "I didn’t say anything about firing him.” Schorg’s jaw drops. [SCHORG] “Oh. Oh… no…” They are interrupted by a knock at the door. Royce invites recently unjustly terminated former Action Wrestling official Jeremy White in. [WHITE] "Oh sorry. I can come back." [ROYCE] "Please, Jeremy. Anything you need to say to me, you can say to William. He has the highest clearance here at Devil's Gate." [WHITE] "Okay. I have arrangements made for next week to transport Mr. Metzger to Hamburg. It took some political favors thanks to Mr. Michaels. But it should be a smooth ride for his final trip home." [SCHORG] "Come on, Reggie. Not like this. Not again, man." [ROYCE] "He understood the conditions of his treatment if he failed me, William." [SCHORG] "He was so drugged up when you brought him here. No way he truly understood. I thought you were done with that… method… of getting rid of clients. The last time was a shitshow. You're lucky Rich got you off the hook when the body went missing from the county morgue." White's eyes widen beyond belief. [ROYCE] "That will be all, Jeremy. Thank you." White leaves the office, shutting the door behind him. [SCHORG] "There has to be another way." [ROYCE] "Sometimes the old ways… are the best ways." Verblassen zu... You should have seen this all coming. Week after week, I proved to be an unstoppable force. Nobody has come close to defeating me. Now you think stacking the deck against The Maine Event will bring about any other outcome? You think putting a big, crazy steel cage around me is going to stop me from reaching the endgame? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard... and I once had a conversation with a tangerine named Horatio Sanchez! He was still more interesting than the field of competitors I am facing at Timebomb. How fitting that this event is called Timebomb. Surely there is a pun to be made about it being an explosive and unpredictable event. But I know the truth. Ich bin die wahrheit. The timer is set and there's no stopping the inevitable. The path chosen for me is a lifetime in the making. Every bump and bruise, every trial and tribulation, every victim along the way was necessary so that I could be in this coveted spot today. Who would have predicted that less than six months after coming to Action Wrestling that I would be both United States and World Champion? Doctor Reginald Royce. Obviously. He told you all along who I was and what I was going to do here. You all dismissed his truth and labeled him a lunatic. What if the lunatics were the friends you made along the way? Crazy is as crazy does, my pet alligator Clarence always says. I apologize if any of this doesn’t… make… sense. The doc switched up some of my medication and I don’t totally understand what reality smells like anymore. Up is left. Purple is tomorrow. My brain eggs feel scramled. I would go see a doctor about this... but the only doctor I trust might be the one who did this to me. I've been getting the feeling lately that things aren’t going well for me. Professionally… I have brought a ton of publicity to Devil’s Gate since becoming United States Champion at rEvolution. Since then, my treatment has progressed to a point where I feel… okay. I was moved to a different room, and I’m no longer confined twenty-four hours a day. The more free I become… the more worried I become that something… terrible… is coming. They treat me like I am less than… as I am so close to becoming World Champion. Sure, I guess that means nothing outside of the realm that Action Wrestling exists in. If I were to get in line at Wal-Mart, nobody would step aside for the World Champion. Though they might step aside because I'm a masked weirdo. Why would I want to become World Champion anyway? For the money? For the power? For the glory? For the bitches? For the clout? For the… ohhh… you get the idea. None of that shit matters to me. Not today. Not ever. I want to become World Champion to prove wrong all of the naysayers who have doubted me for all of my time on this planet. Time after time, they've been shown the light… but a terrible darkness remains. This Sunday at Timebomb… I will be the beacon to shine through the darkest times in this nation's recent history. Between political unrest amongst lefties, relentless cancel culture, and royalties having anchor babies in Amerika… someone has to be the große weiße hoffnung. I have grown to love this nation as my home away from home… and anything threatening it has to go through me first. With a single heroic battle at Timebomb… I can turn the tides of justice by saving the World Championship from the dastardly pantsuit sycophant Ashketchum Blakelively. This Philidorian has been holding the championship long enough, and it's time for Devil's Gate to crash the fuck outta that glass ceiling. Some people believe Treyvon Bouchet reached the glass ceiling of CruiserClash… but those people are crazier than I am. That's saying a lot because… well… duh. It was commendable of management to even consider him for a qualifying match. Then lo and behold… the master of suplexicating has punched his ticket for Timebomb. His kinfolk in the bayou won't be doing much celebrating when he proves to be a dud. Another dud standing in my way of ultimate glory is a man named Kyle Kempf. A cult leader of The Following variety. You know, some have accused Devil's Gate of being a cult… while also being a corporate entity. You could say we are the best of both worlds that are consumed by The Following and Philidor Holdings. To be a true leader like Kempf… that takes painstakingly detailed ingredients. Or a lot of smoke and mirrors. I don't buy Kempf as a cult leader. Not for all the Schwarztee in Schleswig-Holstein. He may have Dandy Davido and the Jacksons fooled… but fooling fools isn't that impressive. I did it for years, all over Europe. It became as natural as breathing oxygen. I am a master at both crafts… so you can trust me on all of this. But should you trust me? Would that make you a fool like Kempf? He believes in his own lies, so he will believe me when I tell him to sacrifice himself at Timebomb so that my reign may thrive and prosper. It was written in cave walls thousands of years ago that a human would be a beacon to other worlds. That beacon would carry the golden torch of fate. I am the beacon. The World Championship is the torch. Are you still with me? Of course you are. I am the ringmaster of this circus. Not Harper. Not Royce. It was Todd all along. You believe me… right? I'm the guy who improbably won the United States Championship from Odin Balfore! You all thought I was crazy! Well… you may be right… I'm crazy enough to see a well-decorated legend like Spencey Adams… and only sees a scared little boy. He clings to his achievements like a security blanket. Without them, he is a lost boy. Give me a chance and I will guide him to Neverneverland. Same goes to all of the children facing extinction at Timebomb. Ich bin das gegenmittel. It wasn't long ago that the Hardcore Championship was THE coveted championship in Action Wrestling. Now it is a participation award because Spencey always has to have nice things. In the wise words of Cortland Bull… No MoRe NiCe ThInGs EvEr! Spencey's time is up and my time is now. World United States Champion? X United States World Champion? X United States Champion of the World? ✔ Not one alive can keep me from this place. Some in this match know how to get the job done. Like me, Corgy Black has known great success. Unlike me, he has known great failure. Twice he has been bested by our current and soon-to-be-former champion. A third strike may send him back to snuggle with Creeping Death. For his sake, I volunteer as tribute to eliminate the King of Most Wrestlers at Timebomb. Bitte. Each of them will be reduced to gristle once my work is complete. This is not an idle threat. This is not a tagline. This is real ass adult shit happening. Five burial plots have been arranged for the final five victims before I begin my reign as United States Champion of the World. None of them have been set for me. Ain't no grave can hold my body down. The only way to keep me down is to put me down… and that just ain't gonna happen. Not at Timebomb. They're all a bunch of feiglinge. Not a one of them has the stones to do what needs to be done. Ashketchum… Corgy… Treyvon… Spencey… and Kempf are in for a painfully troubling encounter at Timebomb. Ich bin die Zeitbombe. Soon I will be known as... Todd Metzger is weak. He is nothing without me. He is not worthy of my grace. He is expected to fail at Timebomb. Then it's up to me to save him. I am the devil in the modern world. All his base are belong to me. it was mephistopheles all along |