Post by Regan Voorhees on Jan 31, 2021 19:35:48 GMT -5
Red camellias frame a reimagining of Emanuel Leutze’s Washington Crossing the Delaware. In place of America’s first president, then a general, stands Regan Voorhees in revolutionary garb. From their tiny rowboat, her porcine soldiers battle the current with oars, ready to deliver their fearless leader to the shore and continue their meatless revolution. The title card fades in.
The Crossing(Best Paired With Stravinsky's "Star Spangled Banner" and a Texas Two-Step)
“Washington had his Delaware… Caesar his Rubicon… And now I have my Revolution.”
The camera pulls back on Regan Voorhees, admiring another painting in her private gallery. Her attire is a custom revolutionary officer uniform, in pastel blue and white and lavender. Her blond hair is tied in a neat braid, topped off with a tricorner hat. Grotesque wax sculptures in soldier uniforms flank the painting, the bayonets of their muskets raised in tribute. As she speaks, Regan gestures to the painting.
“By now you’ve all become acquainted with my, shall we say, grandiloquent sensibilities. But even I am not above a touch of heavy-handed symbolism. Consider the historical parallels to my match at Revolution. In this case, a symbolic crossing. From competitor to challenger, and then from challenger to champion. One division, under Regan, with Abattoirs and Red Camellias for all.”
She presses a hand to her chest, her poise absolute.
“And yet even in the face of this grand opportunity, fate extends its divine hand. Not only am I one victory away from facing the Cruiserweight Champion, but in a single match, I can remedy all my failures since arriving in Action Wrestling. It’s tempting to think I’m above such things as petty vengeance, but who the fuck am I kidding?”
Her composure breaks for a moment, a smile playing on her lips, as Regan anxiously adjusts her pristine white gloves.
“Who could forget my magnificent debut at the Cruiser Rumble in December? It took mere seconds for me to sear the name Regan Voorhees into the brains of every wrestler and fan of this company. Objectively speaking, it was the greatest introduction in Action Wrestling history; arguably the history of the industry. And then… Someone eliminated me.”
Any trace of a smile vanishes, as Regan’s knuckles crack beneath her gloves.
“Someone named Sara Pettis. You can imagine my consternation. This woman robbed me of the chance to become Cruiserweight Champion my first night in the company. Sara Pettis single-handedly kept my name out of the history books. As a courteous person, I’m delighted to return the favor.”
“But we won’t be righting just one wrong on the White House lawn. There is one blemish on my previously spotless record, the result of CJ Phoenix pinning Void in a triple-threat match where I played third wheel. Regardless of the circumstances, my failure to break up the pin makes me as much of a loser as Void. CJ Phoenix seized an opportunity and snapped my undefeated streak like a wishbone. That...perturbed me.”
Regan snatches a musket from one of the wax sculptures, sliding it into position over her shoulder.
“So I’m left with no recourse than to transform Revolution into my own private slaughterhouse. The thematic congruity of defeating you three on my way to the title is just too delicious to resist. And honestly, what’s more American than a rich person winning? Feel free to bring your broad stripes and bright stars, no amount of gallant streaming will prevent your champion aspirations from bursting in air. At Revolution, only the banner of Regan Voorhees yet waves.”
She levels the musket at the camera, her wicked grin returning.
“And you will be tread upon.”
She fires, as a smoky haze obscures the screen. More gunfire echoes as the scene transitions to a city in ruins, once proud buildings reduced to broken rubble. There are screams and more shots in the distance as an offscreen revolution rages. The camera pulls back further to a pristine green hill overlooking the chaos. The banner of the new regime waves, a black pig on a white field, as a quintet of photogenic piglets sit at the base of the flagpole.
Brought to you by Voorhees Farms