Post by Odin Balfore on May 2, 2018 16:04:39 GMT -5
ADUB
Havoc Rumble
" The Ice Cube Incident "
word count: 3398
__________________________________
Prologue
This past Sunday. New York.
Inferno kisses the warm New York skyline as embers and debris rise up on a hot plume only to sink and fall and rise again. Encircle the area, one fiery mess. A fuel depot explosion. One man still alive. Burning on the inside. This large grizzled man struggles to breath. Struggles to crawl and yet manages to pull himself from the fire only to be halted by a beam of magnificent white light. It comes down from the heavens and then disappears.
A man perhaps in his forties stands before the crawling victim. Drink in hand. He looks down at the victim and queries.
“Dude, man. Like, what seems to be the problem?”
“Jam Willy Hey-Zeus, mah nigga. Help me.”
Jam Willy takes a sip of his white Russian and readjusts his sun glasses.
“Do you mind turning that fire down, man; its real bright and my eyes are like real sensitive. I got this thing and like, its just not workin for me, man.”
The fallen man lets out a groan then a gasp before succumbing to his injuries.
“Aw, geez, man. Are you ok, dude? Do you need some change man? Here, hold on a second.”
Jam Willy rifles around in his pockets for change and comes up with one lone quarter. He stares intently at it between his thumb and index finger.
“Nah, can’t do that. Can’t play quarters without that. You ever try to play quarters with a dime? it just doesnt work out, man.”
Jam Willy is suddenly struck with genius as he puts the quarter back and takes out a pen and napkin.
“How about if I owe you, man. I’m good for it, man. I’m always good for it.”
Jam willy writes the victim an I.O.U. for twenty-five cents.
“But like, who do I make this out to man? You never told me your name. Then you spat blood all over my slippers- which by the way – not cool, man. You don’t see me going to your house and peeing all over your carpet or somethin’. I swear, these slippers really tie the universe together man.”
Jam Willy takes another sip before readjusting his glasses once again to get a better look at the victim.
“Lets see here…”
Name: Odin Balfore
Race: Asgardian
Height: 7 foot
Weight: 360 Lbs.
D E C E A S E D
“ Hey, I know you, man. You’re the All Father. You’re Bobbys friend with the cat, man.”
Jam Willy snaps his fingers trying to remember the cats name.
“Harold, man. That’s right. I knew I knew you, man. What happened to you, man? Did this fire do this to you, man? Did it say something anti-semetic? Man, that just doesn’t jive well with me.”
Jam Willy blows the raging fire out as effortlessly as a birthday candle.
“Well, you’ve helped me out of a pinch or two before, man. Guess its time I like, do you the favor and like, I dunno, give you life or somethin’.”
Jam Willy steps back, flaps out his arms and pops his hips like Elvis.
“ Uno, Dos, One, toos, Thez, Spanish four.”
Jam Willy starts feelin’ the groove of “Wooly Bully” by Sam The Sham and the Pharaohs as the band comes down from heaven and starts playing for Jam Willy. Jam Willy starts cutting and struttin with that dep, dank shoulder action as he marches around Odin Balfore in ritualistic fashion.
matty told hatty about a thing she saw. (man)
had two big horns and a wooly jaw.
wooly bully, wooly bully. *Jam willy takes a sip of his white Russian *
wooly bully * sip *, wooly *sip* bully *sip*, wooly bully * sip *
hatty told matty, "let's don't take no chance. *sip*
( she said ) let's not be*l-seven* ( man ), come and learn to dance. ( don’t be no square )
wooly bully, wooly bully
wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully.
“Jazz sax solo, play me home, dude!”
Jam Willy starts playin the air sax while marching around Odin Balfore, winning 9 Battle of Bands, 4 Ms. Americas, 2 Dancing with the stars, a pre-taped ‘ Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader’ and the WCF Championship all before the solo finishes. Once it does, Odin Balfore stands on his feet. He is free from all wounds, conditions and adverse effects.
“Hey, how are you feeling man? You look less dead now.”
“Jam Willy, my niggah, my savior. Thank you for this REZ-E-WREK-SHUN, it was uber THICK of you.”
“You’re welcome, man.”
“If there is anyway I can repay you, you let me know.”
“Yah, kinda.”
Jam Willy looks around, spinning himself in a circle.
“Have you seen my ice cube?”
“Your – ice cube?”
“Yah, I was making me a white Russian and I dropped an ice cube. I know it fell around here somewhere.”
“Sorry, cant say that I have. probably melted in the fire.”
“Well, could you –like- you know – look for it, man? Now my drink can’t reach peak efficient coldness, man. Now its like, its kinda cold – kinda not and like you’ll drink it but you don’t really want too but you don’t want to waste it so you just sip at it throughout the night, man.”
“My nigguh, that’s terrible.”
Jam Willy stares off into the distance for a moment.
“Jam Willy, son, you OK?”
“Wut- yah man. I was just staring off into the future to try and find my ice cube. Say, did you know that Dunes going to win my WCF Championship I just won for playing that epic air sax solo? You’ll have to get that for me at some point - AFTER you find me my ice cube.”
“You’re sending me on a quest for an ice cube?”
Jam Willy takes offense.
“Hey man, I don’t make fun of your quests… even if they’re like – all the same, man.”
Odin sighs and grumbles to himself. “They’re not all the same.”
“ Like, whatever you say, man. I’m not here to judge, man. I’m just here to find my ice cube and like, you’re going to help. Besides, if I knew where it was, I would get it myself but my powers don’t extend to those things. Ice cubes, TV remotes, odd socks that get lost in the dryer. Omnipotence has its drawbacks, man. I’ll tell you what I saw though. Torture wants to name a tournament after King Jimmy Dean, my mortal enemy, man. Well – Immortal enemy but you get my point, man. I want you go to ACTION WRESTLING in my name and honor. I want you to win this Havoc Rumble they’re having and then Torture will have to name his tournament after me. Also- and I cant stress this enough – find my ice cube.”
“Fine. I’ll help you. Can you just send me back to the arena so I can beat Steven Singh?”
Jam Willy looks at his drink from the side, seeing the sadness that is in-efficient coldage.
“ Yah, man.. whatever, dude.”
Jam Willy snaps his fingers and the All Father disappears.
______________________________________
Chapter I: Wakanda Go Wrong?
Governor’s Mansion, Federal District, Poonguinea.
The All Father is in the Throne room of the governor’s mansion. He’s on a landline to ACTION WRESTLING, talking to some woman in HR whose giving him a hard time.
“ Of course Poonguinea is a real place. Why would I -.. well why would I make it up then? .. That’s dumb. You’re dumb… what do you mean, is it like Wakanda? What kind of question is that? I’ve never even been to Wakanda… see, now that sounds like a fictional place.”
A small group of soldiers walk by and give the classic and completely original Poonguinea Salute. ‘ WAKANDA FOREVER’
‘ WAKANDA FOREVER’ Odin replies before realizing he’s still on the phone. “.. what was that?... That was the official salute of my totally not made up nation… no, not WAKANDA, WAKANDA ISNT EVEN REAL… Its not the home of Black Panther… no.. no its not… How do I know?… THANOS KILLED HIM AT THE END OF INIFINITY WARS, THAT’S HOW I KNOW!”
#SPOILERS #SHOTSFIRED #VILLAINOFTHESTORY
“Listen, just put Torture on the phone… what do you mean he’s unavailable.. he’s always.. * Odin checks over his shoulder and under the throne * available. At least when I least expect it. Always when I least expect it.… Him and his stupid Devices… CAN YOU JUST PUT MY BROTHER ON THE PHONE PLEASE!?.. Yes, he is too my real brother… You know why I’m calling. I’m calling because I want in the Havoc Rumble and you asked me my name and where I’m from and we just spent the last half hour arguing with me that Poonguinea is a fictional place even though I’m sitting in MY throne room of MY country… It is not my moms basement.. My moms dead…. Yes I know Torts mom is dead.. WE’RE BROTHERS. WE HAVE THE SAME MOM!.. Listen… whats your name?... Cassidy… well Cassidy, if you don’t let me speak to my brother I’m going to fly down to ADUB HQ, because I know you take a Lyft to work everyday, find you and then skull fuck YOUR MOM, HMPH, HOWS THAT SOUND?... Your mums dead? Well then, you better start diggin’"
Odin slams down the phone so hard it explodes into a mushroom cloud.
#Horton_hears_nuclear_holacust
One of the All Fathers attendants approach him.
“Everything alright, my lord?”
Odin does some relaxation breathing to calm himself down.
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.”
The breathing fails.
“I’m not fine. That dumb bitch doesn’t know what she’s WATALKING about. I wanted to do this the fun way. The easy way. But no. Now Ack-shun Dub can blame this on Cassidy, Human Resource piece of fucking shit.”
“Sir, I don’t think She’s –“
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Human Resources piece of shit – in training. She has a yellow ribbon on her nametag. The call was being recorded for customer satisfaction and I was not satisfied.”
The All Father scowls.
“Elias, prepare the jet. Plot a course for Georgia. Time I get my satisfaction.”
______________________________________
Chapter II: Satisfaction
Poonguinea Private Jet. Somewhere over the Poon-cific Ocean.
Odin sits in his large, lavish chair, even large by his standards. The plane was completely custom. Two full bars, two large beds, a 420 inch flat screen, five stripper poles and another chair similar to Odins that was roped off with golden velvet ropes. Odin sat in his chair as his charcoal suit shifted tightly against his muscles. He swirls his white Russian before addressing the world and Ack-shun Dub.
“Ack-shun Dub. This is the part where the story takes a very serious shift in tone. You saw it. You all saw it. I tried being a nice guy until some ditz blonde tried to appropriate my culture and spit on my heritage – as well as my family name.”
The All Father shrugs with indifference.
“I suppose you could say that, that’s life. Yeah *sip* I suppose you could. Lifes not fair. Its not all fun and games. This business is serious business. I’m super cereal.”
The All Father swats away such thoughts.
“Bah! Life is as fair and as serious as I make it. I understand that, that is very unsettling and troubling for all of you. At least, those of you that know me. The D-Days and Roy Speedes of the world. Those two ‘ main eventers’ have really been tearing the roof off the place like it was the box top to some fruity pebbles. Yah, those two are a couples of fruity pebbles all right. Do you take pride in them, ADUB? Do you? Are you proud your world champions? Dangerous and daring foes they are.”
The sarcasm is just pouring down Odins face. Grape flavored sarcasm for the world of Ack-shun Dub to taste.
“ I know, Ack-shun Dub is where the ‘big boys play.’ Its where real wrestlers really wrestle for real.”
Odin shakes his head in the negative.
“Not with those two around as your prospective world champions. I mean, in truth and honesty, you’re best wrestler is Wade Moor. Wade Moor and that Coked Up Mad Man. But what do I know ( everything LOL ) besides the fact that I helped to bankroll your checks when my brother, Tort, needed a bit of a hand out. He needed a hand out and I made the hot tag. Now here we are coming in the Havoc Rumble and I simply cannot wait for the generic NPC shoot style from the likes of John Frost and Lincoln Ketchup – or whatever his name is. Oh yes, the riveting and explosive shoot that’s going to eviscerate my soul.”
Odin starts laughs uncontrollably before abruptly stopping and continuing in a serious manner and tone of voice.
“You skinned kneed plebs don’t know what soul eviscerating shoot even is. I can tell you all right now that you’re all going to pick out the top dogs of the top dogs, talk Ad Nauseam about them till your blue in the ball sack because you worked yourself up into a shoot. Then you’ll trail off on the easy skeet of the Rick and Jonah Flippy, Brook Bell and Alex Haden. Yah. I know some of your names. Not all of your names. Don’t fucking flatter yourselves. And don’t be offended either and that you’re going to teach me a lesson because you ‘ do your talking in the ring.’
PRO TIP: Everyone whose ever said that, has never done that because they cannot do that.
Frost brothers, rightly talking to you here, you fucking horse faced, broken jawed baffoons. I’m sorry, ya’ll have tah speak louder. I cant hear you in my quarter of a million dollar suit, on my private jumbo jet, leaving my private island nation.
You all in the ADUB should enjoy your free time while you still have it. It’s a nice day in Georgia I heard. You should breathe in the air under your own power before you need a vacuum tube to regulate the pressure in your bodies after I cave your respective skulls and chests in.
I know right now Speede and D-Day are shitting golden bricks right now because deep down they know I’m coming. You see, when you’ve had a man like myself inside you – pushing in your shit, night in and night out for all the years they were around me… they just know when I’m coming. After all.. It’s the loudest thing that I do.
Boys. Ack-shun Dub. I’m coming for you. All of you. I’m coming for your championships and the degradation of existences and the lamentation of your women. You will all pale to the greatness that is the All Father. To cower in fear is to be expected. To stand in defiance is to be expected still. Hell, I prefer the ones that stand. Then I get to kneecap them with my THICK. It’s easy. It is all too easy. For I am not impressed by any of you except my bois, Wade Moor, Prince Hajeet and Petrov 6.0’FUCKYOUBUDDY. Everyone else in this match is going to stomped out for the sake of feet- My two feet and my two hands.”
The All Father holds up his right fist.
“Surtrs Revenge is a very deadly prospect for seasoned veteran. I cant imagine what it would do to some of you less fortunate. Actually, I do. Total. Complete. Annihilation. You will turn to dust in front of millions, if not the 20 thousand people Philips Arena. I just co-mained MSG, myself. I died. I was resurrected. It was fun. I had a good time. Next – next- Monday though I’m going to have fun too. A lot of fun. I’m going to show up to a company I have no business in and one hundred percent trash its best – mediocre and garbage stars. Sorry. ‘stars’- cuz very few of you have any real talent inside that squared circle. But that’s OK.ya’ll got a few weeks to prep. Its just enough time to put your 2 weeks notice in. L.O.L and Alex Haden just went up to the main roster.
You didn’t sign up for this, son. You did not sign up for this but I’m sure you’re mentor told you about me. Told you stories. Told you legends. Told you how Odin Balfore destroyed a company with a ten year history. Now you and all your little friends are thinking if I’m coming to do the same to ack-shun Dub.
The answer: Yes. Yes I am. I’m coming out of respect of MY friends and the utter distain for yours. I’m coming for a shot at Speede or D-Day – or whoevers champ by the time I get around to allow the ink to dry on the contract. For you see, as mighty as The All Father is – right now I am serving a higher power *sip* but in truth, come Havoc, I’ll be the only God you’ll need to know. Just don’t pray to me – I aint got time for that shit when I’m in the middle of that ring, stripping jobbers of their pride and champions of their legacy.
Remember that, ADUB. Everyones a legend when they get in the ring with me because my presence alone WILLS it so. Until, that is, I crush them within an inch of their life. You should all collectively write your boss and see of there’s a caveat on your contract about soul crushing evisceration at the hands of a Norse God.
Spoilers: Theres not.
I’ll tell you what though, my brother Torture will enjoy me beating the living hell out of each and everyone of you. I know he’s been aching for stars for way the poon aches for my THICK. Don’t get me wrong, you all did your part. First he needed bodies to fill the roster spots then he needed a few good hands like TFK, Charlie Rossi and Anton Chase. They pad the room of nobodies – a hand full of hopeful lookin for their big break or the bingo hall star whose been champ ‘all over the world’, just as long as the world don’t leave the tri-state area or goes with a hundred feet of a grade school. Further still are those seasoned journeymen who have traveled and found modest success the same way some dudes find success with a self published novel or a breakfast roll up they found from the dumpster of a Sip & Go gas station. “
The All Father starts counting on his fingers.
“ One. When I say that I am world traveled, I damn well mean it. Two. When I say I am a world champion, I am a WORLD CHAMPION. Three. When I tell you that you’ve never fought anyone like me. You. Have. Never. Fought. Anyone. Like. Me. Four. Unlike everyone else, I don’t put people on notice; I just start throwing people out of their houses and off of cliffs. So don’t start none of you come at me like you got a pair – cuz you don’t. Monday, the Ack-shun Dub world is going to be turned on its head with its ass in the air. Odin Balfore is coming. I’m going to take each and everyone of you down with Surtrs Revenge.. the Mark of Odin and Ragnarok in its wake. This match is for your Adub world title contendership and I AM GOING TO TAKE IT. Because there is no one that can contend with me. And for those that think that the game just changed. It hasn’t because this isn’t a game. This is real life. I am what true pro wrestling is. Something that none of you will ever be.
Only question is… which one of you fuccbois is going to try and stop it.
Then at Evolution, this company can finally have a real world champion. “
Odin swirls his glass.
“Oh look, I need some new ice. Funny how things world out, isn’t it?”
Havoc Rumble
" The Ice Cube Incident "
word count: 3398
__________________________________
Prologue
This past Sunday. New York.
Inferno kisses the warm New York skyline as embers and debris rise up on a hot plume only to sink and fall and rise again. Encircle the area, one fiery mess. A fuel depot explosion. One man still alive. Burning on the inside. This large grizzled man struggles to breath. Struggles to crawl and yet manages to pull himself from the fire only to be halted by a beam of magnificent white light. It comes down from the heavens and then disappears.
A man perhaps in his forties stands before the crawling victim. Drink in hand. He looks down at the victim and queries.
“Dude, man. Like, what seems to be the problem?”
“Jam Willy Hey-Zeus, mah nigga. Help me.”
Jam Willy takes a sip of his white Russian and readjusts his sun glasses.
“Do you mind turning that fire down, man; its real bright and my eyes are like real sensitive. I got this thing and like, its just not workin for me, man.”
The fallen man lets out a groan then a gasp before succumbing to his injuries.
“Aw, geez, man. Are you ok, dude? Do you need some change man? Here, hold on a second.”
Jam Willy rifles around in his pockets for change and comes up with one lone quarter. He stares intently at it between his thumb and index finger.
“Nah, can’t do that. Can’t play quarters without that. You ever try to play quarters with a dime? it just doesnt work out, man.”
Jam Willy is suddenly struck with genius as he puts the quarter back and takes out a pen and napkin.
“How about if I owe you, man. I’m good for it, man. I’m always good for it.”
Jam willy writes the victim an I.O.U. for twenty-five cents.
“But like, who do I make this out to man? You never told me your name. Then you spat blood all over my slippers- which by the way – not cool, man. You don’t see me going to your house and peeing all over your carpet or somethin’. I swear, these slippers really tie the universe together man.”
Jam Willy takes another sip before readjusting his glasses once again to get a better look at the victim.
“Lets see here…”
Name: Odin Balfore
Race: Asgardian
Height: 7 foot
Weight: 360 Lbs.
D E C E A S E D
“ Hey, I know you, man. You’re the All Father. You’re Bobbys friend with the cat, man.”
Jam Willy snaps his fingers trying to remember the cats name.
“Harold, man. That’s right. I knew I knew you, man. What happened to you, man? Did this fire do this to you, man? Did it say something anti-semetic? Man, that just doesn’t jive well with me.”
Jam Willy blows the raging fire out as effortlessly as a birthday candle.
“Well, you’ve helped me out of a pinch or two before, man. Guess its time I like, do you the favor and like, I dunno, give you life or somethin’.”
Jam Willy steps back, flaps out his arms and pops his hips like Elvis.
“ Uno, Dos, One, toos, Thez, Spanish four.”
Jam Willy starts feelin’ the groove of “Wooly Bully” by Sam The Sham and the Pharaohs as the band comes down from heaven and starts playing for Jam Willy. Jam Willy starts cutting and struttin with that dep, dank shoulder action as he marches around Odin Balfore in ritualistic fashion.
matty told hatty about a thing she saw. (man)
had two big horns and a wooly jaw.
wooly bully, wooly bully. *Jam willy takes a sip of his white Russian *
wooly bully * sip *, wooly *sip* bully *sip*, wooly bully * sip *
hatty told matty, "let's don't take no chance. *sip*
( she said ) let's not be*l-seven* ( man ), come and learn to dance. ( don’t be no square )
wooly bully, wooly bully
wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully.
“Jazz sax solo, play me home, dude!”
Jam Willy starts playin the air sax while marching around Odin Balfore, winning 9 Battle of Bands, 4 Ms. Americas, 2 Dancing with the stars, a pre-taped ‘ Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader’ and the WCF Championship all before the solo finishes. Once it does, Odin Balfore stands on his feet. He is free from all wounds, conditions and adverse effects.
“Hey, how are you feeling man? You look less dead now.”
“Jam Willy, my niggah, my savior. Thank you for this REZ-E-WREK-SHUN, it was uber THICK of you.”
“You’re welcome, man.”
“If there is anyway I can repay you, you let me know.”
“Yah, kinda.”
Jam Willy looks around, spinning himself in a circle.
“Have you seen my ice cube?”
“Your – ice cube?”
“Yah, I was making me a white Russian and I dropped an ice cube. I know it fell around here somewhere.”
“Sorry, cant say that I have. probably melted in the fire.”
“Well, could you –like- you know – look for it, man? Now my drink can’t reach peak efficient coldness, man. Now its like, its kinda cold – kinda not and like you’ll drink it but you don’t really want too but you don’t want to waste it so you just sip at it throughout the night, man.”
“My nigguh, that’s terrible.”
Jam Willy stares off into the distance for a moment.
“Jam Willy, son, you OK?”
“Wut- yah man. I was just staring off into the future to try and find my ice cube. Say, did you know that Dunes going to win my WCF Championship I just won for playing that epic air sax solo? You’ll have to get that for me at some point - AFTER you find me my ice cube.”
“You’re sending me on a quest for an ice cube?”
Jam Willy takes offense.
“Hey man, I don’t make fun of your quests… even if they’re like – all the same, man.”
Odin sighs and grumbles to himself. “They’re not all the same.”
“ Like, whatever you say, man. I’m not here to judge, man. I’m just here to find my ice cube and like, you’re going to help. Besides, if I knew where it was, I would get it myself but my powers don’t extend to those things. Ice cubes, TV remotes, odd socks that get lost in the dryer. Omnipotence has its drawbacks, man. I’ll tell you what I saw though. Torture wants to name a tournament after King Jimmy Dean, my mortal enemy, man. Well – Immortal enemy but you get my point, man. I want you go to ACTION WRESTLING in my name and honor. I want you to win this Havoc Rumble they’re having and then Torture will have to name his tournament after me. Also- and I cant stress this enough – find my ice cube.”
“Fine. I’ll help you. Can you just send me back to the arena so I can beat Steven Singh?”
Jam Willy looks at his drink from the side, seeing the sadness that is in-efficient coldage.
“ Yah, man.. whatever, dude.”
Jam Willy snaps his fingers and the All Father disappears.
______________________________________
Chapter I: Wakanda Go Wrong?
Governor’s Mansion, Federal District, Poonguinea.
The All Father is in the Throne room of the governor’s mansion. He’s on a landline to ACTION WRESTLING, talking to some woman in HR whose giving him a hard time.
“ Of course Poonguinea is a real place. Why would I -.. well why would I make it up then? .. That’s dumb. You’re dumb… what do you mean, is it like Wakanda? What kind of question is that? I’ve never even been to Wakanda… see, now that sounds like a fictional place.”
A small group of soldiers walk by and give the classic and completely original Poonguinea Salute. ‘ WAKANDA FOREVER’
‘ WAKANDA FOREVER’ Odin replies before realizing he’s still on the phone. “.. what was that?... That was the official salute of my totally not made up nation… no, not WAKANDA, WAKANDA ISNT EVEN REAL… Its not the home of Black Panther… no.. no its not… How do I know?… THANOS KILLED HIM AT THE END OF INIFINITY WARS, THAT’S HOW I KNOW!”
#SPOILERS #SHOTSFIRED #VILLAINOFTHESTORY
“Listen, just put Torture on the phone… what do you mean he’s unavailable.. he’s always.. * Odin checks over his shoulder and under the throne * available. At least when I least expect it. Always when I least expect it.… Him and his stupid Devices… CAN YOU JUST PUT MY BROTHER ON THE PHONE PLEASE!?.. Yes, he is too my real brother… You know why I’m calling. I’m calling because I want in the Havoc Rumble and you asked me my name and where I’m from and we just spent the last half hour arguing with me that Poonguinea is a fictional place even though I’m sitting in MY throne room of MY country… It is not my moms basement.. My moms dead…. Yes I know Torts mom is dead.. WE’RE BROTHERS. WE HAVE THE SAME MOM!.. Listen… whats your name?... Cassidy… well Cassidy, if you don’t let me speak to my brother I’m going to fly down to ADUB HQ, because I know you take a Lyft to work everyday, find you and then skull fuck YOUR MOM, HMPH, HOWS THAT SOUND?... Your mums dead? Well then, you better start diggin’"
Odin slams down the phone so hard it explodes into a mushroom cloud.
#Horton_hears_nuclear_holacust
One of the All Fathers attendants approach him.
“Everything alright, my lord?”
Odin does some relaxation breathing to calm himself down.
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.”
The breathing fails.
“I’m not fine. That dumb bitch doesn’t know what she’s WATALKING about. I wanted to do this the fun way. The easy way. But no. Now Ack-shun Dub can blame this on Cassidy, Human Resource piece of fucking shit.”
“Sir, I don’t think She’s –“
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Human Resources piece of shit – in training. She has a yellow ribbon on her nametag. The call was being recorded for customer satisfaction and I was not satisfied.”
The All Father scowls.
“Elias, prepare the jet. Plot a course for Georgia. Time I get my satisfaction.”
______________________________________
Chapter II: Satisfaction
Poonguinea Private Jet. Somewhere over the Poon-cific Ocean.
Odin sits in his large, lavish chair, even large by his standards. The plane was completely custom. Two full bars, two large beds, a 420 inch flat screen, five stripper poles and another chair similar to Odins that was roped off with golden velvet ropes. Odin sat in his chair as his charcoal suit shifted tightly against his muscles. He swirls his white Russian before addressing the world and Ack-shun Dub.
“Ack-shun Dub. This is the part where the story takes a very serious shift in tone. You saw it. You all saw it. I tried being a nice guy until some ditz blonde tried to appropriate my culture and spit on my heritage – as well as my family name.”
The All Father shrugs with indifference.
“I suppose you could say that, that’s life. Yeah *sip* I suppose you could. Lifes not fair. Its not all fun and games. This business is serious business. I’m super cereal.”
The All Father swats away such thoughts.
“Bah! Life is as fair and as serious as I make it. I understand that, that is very unsettling and troubling for all of you. At least, those of you that know me. The D-Days and Roy Speedes of the world. Those two ‘ main eventers’ have really been tearing the roof off the place like it was the box top to some fruity pebbles. Yah, those two are a couples of fruity pebbles all right. Do you take pride in them, ADUB? Do you? Are you proud your world champions? Dangerous and daring foes they are.”
The sarcasm is just pouring down Odins face. Grape flavored sarcasm for the world of Ack-shun Dub to taste.
“ I know, Ack-shun Dub is where the ‘big boys play.’ Its where real wrestlers really wrestle for real.”
Odin shakes his head in the negative.
“Not with those two around as your prospective world champions. I mean, in truth and honesty, you’re best wrestler is Wade Moor. Wade Moor and that Coked Up Mad Man. But what do I know ( everything LOL ) besides the fact that I helped to bankroll your checks when my brother, Tort, needed a bit of a hand out. He needed a hand out and I made the hot tag. Now here we are coming in the Havoc Rumble and I simply cannot wait for the generic NPC shoot style from the likes of John Frost and Lincoln Ketchup – or whatever his name is. Oh yes, the riveting and explosive shoot that’s going to eviscerate my soul.”
Odin starts laughs uncontrollably before abruptly stopping and continuing in a serious manner and tone of voice.
“You skinned kneed plebs don’t know what soul eviscerating shoot even is. I can tell you all right now that you’re all going to pick out the top dogs of the top dogs, talk Ad Nauseam about them till your blue in the ball sack because you worked yourself up into a shoot. Then you’ll trail off on the easy skeet of the Rick and Jonah Flippy, Brook Bell and Alex Haden. Yah. I know some of your names. Not all of your names. Don’t fucking flatter yourselves. And don’t be offended either and that you’re going to teach me a lesson because you ‘ do your talking in the ring.’
PRO TIP: Everyone whose ever said that, has never done that because they cannot do that.
Frost brothers, rightly talking to you here, you fucking horse faced, broken jawed baffoons. I’m sorry, ya’ll have tah speak louder. I cant hear you in my quarter of a million dollar suit, on my private jumbo jet, leaving my private island nation.
You all in the ADUB should enjoy your free time while you still have it. It’s a nice day in Georgia I heard. You should breathe in the air under your own power before you need a vacuum tube to regulate the pressure in your bodies after I cave your respective skulls and chests in.
I know right now Speede and D-Day are shitting golden bricks right now because deep down they know I’m coming. You see, when you’ve had a man like myself inside you – pushing in your shit, night in and night out for all the years they were around me… they just know when I’m coming. After all.. It’s the loudest thing that I do.
Boys. Ack-shun Dub. I’m coming for you. All of you. I’m coming for your championships and the degradation of existences and the lamentation of your women. You will all pale to the greatness that is the All Father. To cower in fear is to be expected. To stand in defiance is to be expected still. Hell, I prefer the ones that stand. Then I get to kneecap them with my THICK. It’s easy. It is all too easy. For I am not impressed by any of you except my bois, Wade Moor, Prince Hajeet and Petrov 6.0’FUCKYOUBUDDY. Everyone else in this match is going to stomped out for the sake of feet- My two feet and my two hands.”
The All Father holds up his right fist.
“Surtrs Revenge is a very deadly prospect for seasoned veteran. I cant imagine what it would do to some of you less fortunate. Actually, I do. Total. Complete. Annihilation. You will turn to dust in front of millions, if not the 20 thousand people Philips Arena. I just co-mained MSG, myself. I died. I was resurrected. It was fun. I had a good time. Next – next- Monday though I’m going to have fun too. A lot of fun. I’m going to show up to a company I have no business in and one hundred percent trash its best – mediocre and garbage stars. Sorry. ‘stars’- cuz very few of you have any real talent inside that squared circle. But that’s OK.ya’ll got a few weeks to prep. Its just enough time to put your 2 weeks notice in. L.O.L and Alex Haden just went up to the main roster.
You didn’t sign up for this, son. You did not sign up for this but I’m sure you’re mentor told you about me. Told you stories. Told you legends. Told you how Odin Balfore destroyed a company with a ten year history. Now you and all your little friends are thinking if I’m coming to do the same to ack-shun Dub.
The answer: Yes. Yes I am. I’m coming out of respect of MY friends and the utter distain for yours. I’m coming for a shot at Speede or D-Day – or whoevers champ by the time I get around to allow the ink to dry on the contract. For you see, as mighty as The All Father is – right now I am serving a higher power *sip* but in truth, come Havoc, I’ll be the only God you’ll need to know. Just don’t pray to me – I aint got time for that shit when I’m in the middle of that ring, stripping jobbers of their pride and champions of their legacy.
Remember that, ADUB. Everyones a legend when they get in the ring with me because my presence alone WILLS it so. Until, that is, I crush them within an inch of their life. You should all collectively write your boss and see of there’s a caveat on your contract about soul crushing evisceration at the hands of a Norse God.
Spoilers: Theres not.
I’ll tell you what though, my brother Torture will enjoy me beating the living hell out of each and everyone of you. I know he’s been aching for stars for way the poon aches for my THICK. Don’t get me wrong, you all did your part. First he needed bodies to fill the roster spots then he needed a few good hands like TFK, Charlie Rossi and Anton Chase. They pad the room of nobodies – a hand full of hopeful lookin for their big break or the bingo hall star whose been champ ‘all over the world’, just as long as the world don’t leave the tri-state area or goes with a hundred feet of a grade school. Further still are those seasoned journeymen who have traveled and found modest success the same way some dudes find success with a self published novel or a breakfast roll up they found from the dumpster of a Sip & Go gas station. “
The All Father starts counting on his fingers.
“ One. When I say that I am world traveled, I damn well mean it. Two. When I say I am a world champion, I am a WORLD CHAMPION. Three. When I tell you that you’ve never fought anyone like me. You. Have. Never. Fought. Anyone. Like. Me. Four. Unlike everyone else, I don’t put people on notice; I just start throwing people out of their houses and off of cliffs. So don’t start none of you come at me like you got a pair – cuz you don’t. Monday, the Ack-shun Dub world is going to be turned on its head with its ass in the air. Odin Balfore is coming. I’m going to take each and everyone of you down with Surtrs Revenge.. the Mark of Odin and Ragnarok in its wake. This match is for your Adub world title contendership and I AM GOING TO TAKE IT. Because there is no one that can contend with me. And for those that think that the game just changed. It hasn’t because this isn’t a game. This is real life. I am what true pro wrestling is. Something that none of you will ever be.
Only question is… which one of you fuccbois is going to try and stop it.
Then at Evolution, this company can finally have a real world champion. “
Odin swirls his glass.
“Oh look, I need some new ice. Funny how things world out, isn’t it?”