Action Wrestling: A lost Tape
Sept 2, 2020 21:02:44 GMT -5
Karlie Nash, Derrick Vayden, and 2 more like this
Post by Corey Bull on Sept 2, 2020 21:02:44 GMT -5
Subject: A tape found deep within the annuls of the production truck.
Dated: 12/22/19 Time: One Hour prior to the Cruiserweight Havoc Rumble match Pre-Show
Prepare for....
The J-O-B Rumble
An AW Network Special
A crummy high school gym somewhere in B.F., Ohio. An overweight man with way too much tan and an obvious toupee is sitting behind a wooden folding TV stand with a paper sign that says Action Wrestling.
TD: Welcome everyone to the J-O-B Battle Royal, where all those not on the usual show have a chance to stand out amongst the crowd. We have a whopping thirty three people in the auditorium and they are ready for some action. I’m your host Tronald Dump and with me as always is the invisible devil himself, No One.
NO: (silence)
TD: How right you are No One. I’m as excited as the next man for this meaningful event. We of course will be going live to the Cruiserweight Havoc Rumble Pre-show directly after this cluster of excitement. This is going to be huge!
Amon Amarth - Twilight of the Thunder God plays and Thor Balfore walks to the ring.
TD: Thor Balfore coming to the ring, the son of Odin Balfore so they say. But no one really knows. He looks to be a favorite early on.
NO: (silence)
TD: Agreed.
The opening riff to Cult of Personality blares through the arena. When the lyrics cut in, Jay steps onto the stage. He smirks sorta awkwardly. Not sure what to do and not very comfortable with physical showboating, he makes his way down the ramp and slides into the ring.
TD: Jay Mack looks excited and like he might crap himself.
NO: (silence)
TD: That wasn’t nice of you to say.
The bell sounds and Jay instantly runs to the ropes and climbs out, not going over the top. He awkwardly gives Thor the finger and hops down. Thor walks over and climbs over the top rope and steps down, and the refs inform him he just eliminated himself. Thor starts throwing a fit and yelling at refs. He pushes one and the ref pushes back and Thor falls to the ground all finger of death style. Jay slides in the ring and waves weirdly to the crowd.
Elimination: Thor Balfor
TD: Thor with the first elimination, himself! What a huge turn of events for Jay Mack.
NO: (silence)
TD: Your right, waiting for ninety seconds seems like a waste of time, but what else do we have to do.
As we count down to 0, Liam Gallager covering everything Radiohead has ever done starts playing. Doctor Cynicism starts to walk out to the ring.
TD: Not this guy. He is prone to witch hunts!
NO: (silence)
TD: It fits here.
The doc slides in the ring and looks at Jay with disgust. Jay puts his fist up and starts walking towards the Doc, who looks like he might throw up. Instead, he punches Jay in the face and pushs him towards the ropes and tries to eliminate him.
TD: As we all know, Doctor Cynicism hates millennials and wrestling. But that week's supply of Skittles and the tinfoil trophy are worth putting in some time.
NO: (silence)
TD: I don’t think the economic status of Bulgaria is appropriate at this time.
The timer counts to zero, with at least one person counting out loud with it, and Dschinghis Khan - Moskau plays and the crowd of roughly thirty goes kind of crazy.
TD: It’s MosCOW! He is a personal favorite, such a lovely bovine.
NO: (silence)
TD: I absolutely would touch his udder.
MosCOW walks up the steps and has a little trouble getting into the ring, but manages it. He runs over and double axehandles the Doctor in the back and saves Jay. Jay throws a weak right at the cow and he absorbs it. Jay throws another and he absorbs that one too! He does a little dance and headbutts Jay and Jay Mack flies over the top rope and catches himself. The MosCOW starts to fight him, but Doctor Cynicism returns to the fray and attacks the cow. The counter hits 0 again and a loud "Moo!" acts as the stinger for Generic country music, which plays with a random splash of multi-colored stage lights. Fans laugh, cheer and denigrate the scrawny appearance of the barefoot kick artist, Dairy Hidero, in his farmer-best attire. Dairy rushes to the ring, but hits his toe and falls, grabbing his foot and screaming obscenities.
TD: Dairy seems to have run into some technical difficulties coming to the ring.
NO: (silence)
TD: Yep, he should have worn shoes. But he is the fabric of this great division.
The doc throws the cow into the ropes, but when he returns the cow hits the Udder Smash and sends the doc down hard to the mat. Jay climbs back in and covers the doc, but of course there are no counts here, but Jay feels safe right there. The cow scratches his head as Dairy climbs into the ring and the MosCOW turns, both men staring each other down.
TD: This is going to be huge!
NO: (silence)
TD: I am semi-erect as well! Oh wait, I am getting word that we are taking way too long, so now three people will come out at a time as the counter is almost to 0!
We hit 0 and Lucy Midnight, Operativo and Tim Ford come rushing out from separate locations, all hitting the ring at the same time. Operativo drops on Jay Mack and slaps on the El Breako.
TD: ARMBAR! ARMBAR! ARMBAR!
Lucy the fat Hooker runs right at Tim Ford and Lou Thesz presses him to the mat and hits him with a multitude of kisses, bringing a look of disgust to Tims face, along with a lot of cheap lipstick kisses. Jay Mack is crying as Operativo has the El Breako locked on and doesn’t have to let it go. Jay’s arm looks like its ready to snap. Doctor Cynicism climbs to his feet and looks around, clearly disgusted in general. Dairy and MosCOW have a battle of the fists going on, both throwing hard rights as the brawl to the ropes. The Doctor rushes them with a flying cross body, but Dairy and MosCOW see him and drop the top rope and the Doctor flies out of the ring to the floor.
Elimination: Doctor Cynicism
TD: Another man essentially eliminates himself. This match is about to get cray cray!
NO: (silence)
TD: That was uncalled for and obviously fake news.
Buck Reynolds, Acero, and The Super Samoan run out to the ring and now we have nine people in the ring brawling. Dairy and MosCOW are still locked in Mortal Kombat while the Lucy the Fat Hooker takes down the Super Samoan and starts to lay in heavy blows...to the face with her fist. Bucky finds his partner Tim and now Two Bums is united as they eliminate Jay Mack and Operativo at the same time. The Two Bums are excited and roaring out to the crowd, then come together in a big hug. Lucy the Fat Hooker bounces off the ropes…
TD: Oooof.
...and slams into the Two Bums, sending them out of the ring as well. The counter hits zero and Eli Lobo, Lazer Johnson, and Professor Coach come to the ring and add themselves to the fray.
Elimination: Jay Mack, Operativo, Two Bums
Eli Lobo grabs Lucy and tries to throw her over the rope, but instead puts an oddly erotic smile on her face. She grabs Eli and makes his head disappear into her mountains of cleavage and shakes him like a rag doll. Everyone looks on in disgust.
TD: I wonder when I get a turn on that ride.
NO: (silence)
TD: Agreed, I better get out a tub of butter just in case. Hold on, I need to tweet this.
The Super Samoan climbs to his feet and Superman punches Acero and Lazer Johnson, but then gets speared by the cast wearing Professor Coach.
TD: Coach still suffering from that leg injury a few weeks back.
Acero and Lazer Johnson go over the top rope and Lucy flips Eli out as well.
Elimination: Acero, Laxer Johnson, Eli Lobo
MosCOW and Dairy are locked up again, neither one having the advantage and the remaining fighters watch them half ass dance around the ring in a collar and elbow tie up.
TD: A man and his cow, how poetic and American is that.
Lucy runs over, driving a fat elbow into the fat head of the Super Samoan. Coach leans in the corner as the counter counts down to the final zero and Happy Birthday blasts in the auditorium and the twenty something fans (some left) go nuts as the one and only Vacant walks out waving to the crowd.
TD: VACANT! Vacant is here and things are about to get huge! This man has won so many titles, so many rumbles, so many victories under his belt.
NO: (silence)
TD: You are absolutely correct!
Vacant slides into the ring and starts to hit everyone with a straight right punch. Lucy the fat hooker falls and for some reason loses her bra. No clue why, but it happened. The punch sends Dairy and MosCOW into the ropes and they fight to throw each other over. The super Samoan drops like a rock and the Coach falls to his ass in the corner and Vacant stands tall in the center of the ring. MosCOW gets Dairy over the top rope, but Dairy has a hold of the udders and refuses to let go. The Super Samoan runs over and lifts MosCOW up and both him and Dairy hit the floor. The Super Samoan cheers and turns right into a Vacant right and it sends the Samoan over the top rope to the floor.
Elimination: Dairy Hiderot, MosCow, Super Samoan
Lucy grabs her bra and wraps a cup around the head of Coach and flings him over the top rope, hanging him above the floor in the sweaty material before she lets it go. There is an audible breaking noise as the Coach yells and grabs his other leg. Lucy turns around and is left staring at the darkness that is Vacant.
Elimination: Professor Coach
TD: Huge! Lucy the fat hooker and Vacant in a stare down of stare downs!
NO: (silence)
TD: Absolutely. These two have earned those skittles!
Lucy locks up with Vacant and he uses his immense strength to lift Lucy up and over the top rope. Lucy falls, taking a ref with her and the bell sounds.
TD: He did it! Vacant with another win under his belt! Well thats all from me folks, Im Tronald Dump…
NO: (silence)
TD: And now we send you to Chris and Billy. The Cruiserweight Havoc Rumble, its going to be huge!
TD: Welcome everyone to the J-O-B Battle Royal, where all those not on the usual show have a chance to stand out amongst the crowd. We have a whopping thirty three people in the auditorium and they are ready for some action. I’m your host Tronald Dump and with me as always is the invisible devil himself, No One.
NO: (silence)
TD: How right you are No One. I’m as excited as the next man for this meaningful event. We of course will be going live to the Cruiserweight Havoc Rumble Pre-show directly after this cluster of excitement. This is going to be huge!
Amon Amarth - Twilight of the Thunder God plays and Thor Balfore walks to the ring.
TD: Thor Balfore coming to the ring, the son of Odin Balfore so they say. But no one really knows. He looks to be a favorite early on.
NO: (silence)
TD: Agreed.
The opening riff to Cult of Personality blares through the arena. When the lyrics cut in, Jay steps onto the stage. He smirks sorta awkwardly. Not sure what to do and not very comfortable with physical showboating, he makes his way down the ramp and slides into the ring.
TD: Jay Mack looks excited and like he might crap himself.
NO: (silence)
TD: That wasn’t nice of you to say.
The bell sounds and Jay instantly runs to the ropes and climbs out, not going over the top. He awkwardly gives Thor the finger and hops down. Thor walks over and climbs over the top rope and steps down, and the refs inform him he just eliminated himself. Thor starts throwing a fit and yelling at refs. He pushes one and the ref pushes back and Thor falls to the ground all finger of death style. Jay slides in the ring and waves weirdly to the crowd.
Elimination: Thor Balfor
TD: Thor with the first elimination, himself! What a huge turn of events for Jay Mack.
NO: (silence)
TD: Your right, waiting for ninety seconds seems like a waste of time, but what else do we have to do.
As we count down to 0, Liam Gallager covering everything Radiohead has ever done starts playing. Doctor Cynicism starts to walk out to the ring.
TD: Not this guy. He is prone to witch hunts!
NO: (silence)
TD: It fits here.
The doc slides in the ring and looks at Jay with disgust. Jay puts his fist up and starts walking towards the Doc, who looks like he might throw up. Instead, he punches Jay in the face and pushs him towards the ropes and tries to eliminate him.
TD: As we all know, Doctor Cynicism hates millennials and wrestling. But that week's supply of Skittles and the tinfoil trophy are worth putting in some time.
NO: (silence)
TD: I don’t think the economic status of Bulgaria is appropriate at this time.
The timer counts to zero, with at least one person counting out loud with it, and Dschinghis Khan - Moskau plays and the crowd of roughly thirty goes kind of crazy.
TD: It’s MosCOW! He is a personal favorite, such a lovely bovine.
NO: (silence)
TD: I absolutely would touch his udder.
MosCOW walks up the steps and has a little trouble getting into the ring, but manages it. He runs over and double axehandles the Doctor in the back and saves Jay. Jay throws a weak right at the cow and he absorbs it. Jay throws another and he absorbs that one too! He does a little dance and headbutts Jay and Jay Mack flies over the top rope and catches himself. The MosCOW starts to fight him, but Doctor Cynicism returns to the fray and attacks the cow. The counter hits 0 again and a loud "Moo!" acts as the stinger for Generic country music, which plays with a random splash of multi-colored stage lights. Fans laugh, cheer and denigrate the scrawny appearance of the barefoot kick artist, Dairy Hidero, in his farmer-best attire. Dairy rushes to the ring, but hits his toe and falls, grabbing his foot and screaming obscenities.
TD: Dairy seems to have run into some technical difficulties coming to the ring.
NO: (silence)
TD: Yep, he should have worn shoes. But he is the fabric of this great division.
The doc throws the cow into the ropes, but when he returns the cow hits the Udder Smash and sends the doc down hard to the mat. Jay climbs back in and covers the doc, but of course there are no counts here, but Jay feels safe right there. The cow scratches his head as Dairy climbs into the ring and the MosCOW turns, both men staring each other down.
TD: This is going to be huge!
NO: (silence)
TD: I am semi-erect as well! Oh wait, I am getting word that we are taking way too long, so now three people will come out at a time as the counter is almost to 0!
We hit 0 and Lucy Midnight, Operativo and Tim Ford come rushing out from separate locations, all hitting the ring at the same time. Operativo drops on Jay Mack and slaps on the El Breako.
TD: ARMBAR! ARMBAR! ARMBAR!
Lucy the fat Hooker runs right at Tim Ford and Lou Thesz presses him to the mat and hits him with a multitude of kisses, bringing a look of disgust to Tims face, along with a lot of cheap lipstick kisses. Jay Mack is crying as Operativo has the El Breako locked on and doesn’t have to let it go. Jay’s arm looks like its ready to snap. Doctor Cynicism climbs to his feet and looks around, clearly disgusted in general. Dairy and MosCOW have a battle of the fists going on, both throwing hard rights as the brawl to the ropes. The Doctor rushes them with a flying cross body, but Dairy and MosCOW see him and drop the top rope and the Doctor flies out of the ring to the floor.
Elimination: Doctor Cynicism
TD: Another man essentially eliminates himself. This match is about to get cray cray!
NO: (silence)
TD: That was uncalled for and obviously fake news.
Buck Reynolds, Acero, and The Super Samoan run out to the ring and now we have nine people in the ring brawling. Dairy and MosCOW are still locked in Mortal Kombat while the Lucy the Fat Hooker takes down the Super Samoan and starts to lay in heavy blows...to the face with her fist. Bucky finds his partner Tim and now Two Bums is united as they eliminate Jay Mack and Operativo at the same time. The Two Bums are excited and roaring out to the crowd, then come together in a big hug. Lucy the Fat Hooker bounces off the ropes…
TD: Oooof.
...and slams into the Two Bums, sending them out of the ring as well. The counter hits zero and Eli Lobo, Lazer Johnson, and Professor Coach come to the ring and add themselves to the fray.
Elimination: Jay Mack, Operativo, Two Bums
Eli Lobo grabs Lucy and tries to throw her over the rope, but instead puts an oddly erotic smile on her face. She grabs Eli and makes his head disappear into her mountains of cleavage and shakes him like a rag doll. Everyone looks on in disgust.
TD: I wonder when I get a turn on that ride.
NO: (silence)
TD: Agreed, I better get out a tub of butter just in case. Hold on, I need to tweet this.
The Super Samoan climbs to his feet and Superman punches Acero and Lazer Johnson, but then gets speared by the cast wearing Professor Coach.
TD: Coach still suffering from that leg injury a few weeks back.
Acero and Lazer Johnson go over the top rope and Lucy flips Eli out as well.
Elimination: Acero, Laxer Johnson, Eli Lobo
MosCOW and Dairy are locked up again, neither one having the advantage and the remaining fighters watch them half ass dance around the ring in a collar and elbow tie up.
TD: A man and his cow, how poetic and American is that.
Lucy runs over, driving a fat elbow into the fat head of the Super Samoan. Coach leans in the corner as the counter counts down to the final zero and Happy Birthday blasts in the auditorium and the twenty something fans (some left) go nuts as the one and only Vacant walks out waving to the crowd.
TD: VACANT! Vacant is here and things are about to get huge! This man has won so many titles, so many rumbles, so many victories under his belt.
NO: (silence)
TD: You are absolutely correct!
Vacant slides into the ring and starts to hit everyone with a straight right punch. Lucy the fat hooker falls and for some reason loses her bra. No clue why, but it happened. The punch sends Dairy and MosCOW into the ropes and they fight to throw each other over. The super Samoan drops like a rock and the Coach falls to his ass in the corner and Vacant stands tall in the center of the ring. MosCOW gets Dairy over the top rope, but Dairy has a hold of the udders and refuses to let go. The Super Samoan runs over and lifts MosCOW up and both him and Dairy hit the floor. The Super Samoan cheers and turns right into a Vacant right and it sends the Samoan over the top rope to the floor.
Elimination: Dairy Hiderot, MosCow, Super Samoan
Lucy grabs her bra and wraps a cup around the head of Coach and flings him over the top rope, hanging him above the floor in the sweaty material before she lets it go. There is an audible breaking noise as the Coach yells and grabs his other leg. Lucy turns around and is left staring at the darkness that is Vacant.
Elimination: Professor Coach
TD: Huge! Lucy the fat hooker and Vacant in a stare down of stare downs!
NO: (silence)
TD: Absolutely. These two have earned those skittles!
Lucy locks up with Vacant and he uses his immense strength to lift Lucy up and over the top rope. Lucy falls, taking a ref with her and the bell sounds.
TD: He did it! Vacant with another win under his belt! Well thats all from me folks, Im Tronald Dump…
NO: (silence)
TD: And now we send you to Chris and Billy. The Cruiserweight Havoc Rumble, its going to be huge!