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Post by Estrella Luiz ✨ on May 1, 2020 21:38:30 GMT -5
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Post by Estrella Luiz ✨ on May 4, 2020 0:44:12 GMT -5
Bump plz
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Post by Roy Speede on May 4, 2020 12:31:18 GMT -5
To be blunt... I'd recommend a bit of a redirect. Between the top banner and the first scene, I can't help but feel like it was the intro to some cheesy lesbian porno, but written down. End of the day, though? Where does this go, especially with how Havoc played out?
I don't dislike the shoot, but it felt a bit wordy at times, and I felt like the flow could've been adjusted slightly. Like the transition from Dandy to Bonnie for example. You finished Dandy's paragraph with something that was basically "Go away. Nobody wants you here anyway." Use that as a Segway. Then say "I'm sure you've heard that way too often, haven't you Bonnie Blue? From the Guardians, to every federation you've ever competed in..." or something like that?
You're still hands down getting better every time you write. I like what I see.
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