“Getting Home Real Soon”
Apr 23, 2020 12:13:04 GMT -5
via mobile
CJ Phoenix, Dandy DiVito, and 7 more like this
Post by “The RevolutiDaddy” Wesley on Apr 23, 2020 12:13:04 GMT -5
Don't let them scare you
When you're down on the floor bleeding bastard
You'll be getting home real soon
When you're down on the floor bleeding bastard
You'll be getting home real soon
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An empty chair sits inside a familiar storage unit, now decked out from top to bottom with paraphernalia. Old “Dream Daddy” shirts framed up next to “Mr. Action” foam fingers. The old 201 and Fun Championship sits on a podium in a corner with a replica United States Championship hanging overhead. A duct taped Zen Den sign leans against a table that’s stacked to the roof of the storage unit with boxes marked
He kicks his boots up on to one of the old burn boxes and leans back in the chair. He folds his arms over The United States Championship draped over his shoulder and stares into the camera. The old boy licks his chops then rubs a hand over his beard, tasting victory in the air, savoring the flavor of sweet vindication on the top of his tongue.
“Finally, ‘The IllumiDaddy’ Wesley is on the cusp of his assured greatness. Y’all already know about that Havoc Rumble. Next to the Evolution main event it preludes, it is THE BIGGEST EVENT in Action Wrestling. Period. No other match takes the landscape that’s been cultivated throughout the year, lifts it up, and drops it so ceremoniously on its ass end. There’s nothing that can quite match the big moments of Havoc. Careers are one hundred percent made in that fifteen by twenty as every wrestler vies for that spotlight and a guaranteed shot at the World Heavyweight Championship. Everyone will fight and all will fail except one.”
Wesley laughs and feels the goosebumps rise along his flesh, sending a shudder deep down the length of his spine.
“In the history of the Havoc Rumble, not once has a man held a bigger advantage then I have heading in. Sure, there have been two other ‘final entrants’ - Lincoln Kuechly and Ryan Lockhart. Two men who failed to take advantage of their position. Two men who failed to take the shot when it really counted. Two men whose mistakes won’t be repeated this year. Never has there been a more capable, hungrier, and dangerous competitor in the most strategic and advantageous spot a man could possibly be in.
“A lot of y’all out there valuing the wrong things in this match, on the up and up. Entering first, setting records, lasting the longest, most eliminations, all of that bullshit white noise. At the end of the day, nobody’s talking about Johnny Wrestling with fourteen Havoc elims, all they want to know is whose getting their hand raised in the ring after they threw the last poor bastard over the top rope. They want to know who the fuck is going to Evolution and fighting for the World Championship.”
Wesley flashes a set of snarling, shining teeth as he taps his pointer finger on his cranium.
“They think they know, or more apt, they WANT to think they know. In a field full of more likely candidates to be scrawled on the card across from the world champion, The IllumiDaddy’s is the last one anyone would expect after Havoc...but it’s the name they’ll find. They’ll kick, scream, and whine, but they’ll come to accept it because they’ll have absolutely no fucking choice. I haven’t given Action Wrestling a choice but to accept me since I cracked IllumiGnarly like an egg and then took this United States Championship.”
Wesley pats the faceplate of the United States Championship.
“Daddy’s here. He never left, he just finally woke up.”
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The video of “The IllumiDaddy” Wesley fixin’ to take the Action Wrestling roster wrestling to school pauses. The camera zooms out from a large television screen and reveals “The IllumiDaddy” Wesley sitting in a soundproof voiceover room. He’s wearing the exact same thing as he is in his promo, leaning backwards in a chair with a remote in his hand.
“Yo, IllumiDaddy, I’m gonna let you finish bro, but I’m just here to say I sent in an intricate, decisive breakdown promo of every single athlete in the Havoc Rumble but they told me I needed to ‘cut it down’ to fit the mold. I think that’s absolute bullshit since every one of you deserves to hear exactly why you ain’t winning this thing. This is the way the chips fall though, my children. So, without further ado, I present to you the abridged version of my winning Havoc Rumble promo.”
Wesley clicks the remote and starts to fast forward through.
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>>>
“...is his gimmick that he has Kancer or that he gives people Kancer? I got ocular cancer just watching his promotional material...”
>>>
“...Rage has beat up Torture so many times, I swear to god he should get a legal name change to Logan...”
>>>
“...Skrue, Kuze, and Rain are honestly lucky that I’m giving them the time of day, considering I don’t give a fuck about any body shorter than six feet but...”
>>>
“...tion Wrestling is just hoarding talent at this point by signing Nathan Gusts wife Sarah, like she can barely pull off a proper headlock and she thinks...”
>>>
“...this is Valleire’s first match in AW, and this Canuck probably sat in catering with a smile on his face mainlining a fat stack of flapjacks like the fucking simpleton he is...”
>>>
“...the Japanese men are criminally mistreated in Action Wrestling, so Kagura Yamamoto stands an ice cubes chance in hell at Havoc...”
>>>
“...Mintzel’s best days are waaaaay behind him, to be honest, and even those weren’t that great...”
>>>
“...this kid trying to absolutely murder the business in his first ever professional interview. I mean, how the fuck are you going to call yourself Strange and Deranged but also open up a kitty cat motel, what the holy fuck...”
>>>
“...sometimes I wonder if creative is even trying with these gimmicks anymore. They put him in full black and called him John Black when we already had Corey Black doing the same shit for fifteen years...”
>>>
“...and just like his unofficial moniker, Jason O’ Neal is back from the fucking dead. If he was smart, he’d let those cartel thugs off him before I get my hands on him...”
>>>
“...another second generation wrestler in Gabriel, but I’d better let junior know they’re going to make him wear skin tight spandex suits and fuck around in the tag team division for a few years...”
>>>
“...Joe Smarts is a great comedy schtick, the people love him, but honestly nothing would make me happier than throwing him over the top rope and watching him land neck first on the arena floor...”
>>>
“...honestly I would smash, considering I have a mushy soft spot for red heads, but when Azurine Vebbins talks it’s like nails on a chalk board and I’d give anything for it be a sanctioned match right then and there so I can shut her the hell up...”
>>>
“...someone like Carter Shaw seemingly has all the tools to succeed, but he’s been nothing but a colossal disappointment in Action Wrestling so far. Only time will tell but Havoc just ain’t his time to shine...”
>>>
“...inadeqNATE, eradiNATE, termiNATE, extermiNATE, humiliNATE. I could literally go on all day with rhyming schemes that also double entendre as words that describe what I’m going to make and do to this fucking goober on Sunday...”
>>>
“...all the handsome young dudes like Alex Scott I swear are just a bunch of charismatic black holes. Like no wonder you don’t have any friends, you’re a straight up fucking black hole devoid of personality...”
>>>
“...she came from a trailer park and she acts like trailer trash. The Alpha Bitch ain’t done shit in Action Wrestling and winning the Havoc Rumble just isn’t in the stars for her either...”
>>>
“...Carnivore is just another fucking backyarder who learned how to lock up and drop a suplex. Then he got lucky when his contract was swept up with the rest of the MadClans Trinity...”
>>>
“...I’ll give this kid Jeremiah Gail some props, he’s insanely talented. But there’s something behind those eyes of his. You can look into them and tell he just doesn’t have this business in him. He’s the perfect example of having the body and skill, but not the heart...”
>>>
“...this man Wayne Austin literally gave his entire fortune to Nikki Venus just to get his ass kicked by The Man Made Gods for the fifth time...”
>>>
“...Cormack was the resident gatekeeper for WCF for so long, the man done eventually up and gave himself the cold hard boot...”
>>>
“...Kevin Bishop is just a spooky boy with a loser complex...”
>>>
“...Ainsworth is a way less talented Dandy DiVito clone...”
>>>
“...Noris Cranley is just a less black Andre Holmes...”
>>>
“...I honestly don’t know but I’m pretty sure Papa Johns is dog shit...”
>>>
“...Damian Kaine is a guy you wish would breathe, eat, and live wrestling. Unfortunately, he’s been more concerned playing superhero with a bunch of cosplay nerds rather than taking this business seriously. He went and blew his biggest victory to date on a b show against Bonnie Blue. No small feat, but chance of lightning striking twice for Damian Kaine is one in a billion...”
>>>
“...honestly thought that Nikki Vaughn was released months ago? Holy shit, I can’t believe how much pull Karlie Nash has backstage. They let this idiot run so rampant, and for what? I’m honestly at a total loss for words here other than a Right Hand of God Gimmick on an unabashed lesbian is the definition of tone deaf...”
>>>
“...JC Keeton, Graham Baker, and Quixote are all running the Cruiserweight gambit. Quixote’s performance in last years Rumble is nothing to turn your nose up at, but the problem with guys like them is they aren’t finishers. Quixote failed to win the rumble, failed to beat Wade Moor, and now he continues to spectacularly fail. Baker and Keeton don’t know any better, so they’ll look to Quixote as a role model on how to conduct yourself as a Cruiserweight in the Havoc Rumble. They’ll all have a few big moments but eventually, they’ll fail...”
>>>
“...Grayson Ward’s biggest match to date is winning the Television Championship from Estrella Luiz in that best of seven fuckery. Congrats bud, you took advantage of a lazy, overprivelaged, lackadaisical...”
>>>
“...which brings me to my next biggest disappointments, The Cool Kids. You know, I thought that me cutting ties with y’all would light that fire under your asses that you so desperately needed. Since then, Derrick and Geri have done exactly what they’ve always done: make excuses and neglect their careers. Estrella’s dad finally found all the Brazzer’s subscriptions I charged to her credit card and cut her off. They’ve all truly hit the bottom of the barrel. The perspective finally matches their true nature, a nature I was masking with my shining endorsement of this group of slackers.
“You know y’all broke my heart, right? You were ungrateful of the gift I gave you and now y’all want to act like I was the deadweight? I gave y’all the metaphorical shirt off my back but there’s only so much a man can give before he gets tired of the shit. A teacher always expects results but the only results y’all had for me was failure after failure. I couldn’t let it go anymore. If any of y’all manage to make it to the end of the match, it will be my honor to unceremoniously dump your dumbasses over the top rope...”
>>>
“...if I could go back and change anything? I wouldn’t. Look at me. Look where I’m at. I’ve done everything I’ve ever said I was going to and then some. Now that I say I’m going to win the Havoc Rumble and main event Evolution? You better believe that it’s going to happen. But the truth? The truth is I miss her every day...”
STOP
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“What the hell was that?!” Wesley’s voice shouts over the recording, “You said we weren’t recording!”
A mumbled voice answers him through his headset.
“Edit that shit out in post then”, Wesley answers.
The mumbled voice answers “we are in post”.
“Then fucking edit it out!!!” Wesley replies.
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PLAY
“...and now we get to the sizzle coming off the steak. The rest of y’all can stake the most claim to winning this match, or more like you could until Power by Kanye West hits the speakers. You’ll talk about how you deserve to win this rumble, how you deserve to main event Evolution. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, but what you think you deserve is gonna be a hell of a lot different then what you get. Spencer Adams, my man. Things just ain’t been the same for you since I took this off your hands, have they?”
Wesley holds the United States Championship forward.
“It’s like I went and beat all the fight out of you in one match. I did more that night then I ever did by putting you on the shelf for months. I wish that I knew then what I know now. Hindsight, am I right? That pretty much sums up your entire career. What could have been for Spencer Adams. You could have been a better man but this business took its toll on you. Now you’re nothing but a beaten down version of yourself. The busted headlight in Kill or Cure. There’s only so far Crow McMorris can drive you before he drops you on your head, and this is the same exact man sniffing like a bloodhound for a friend of his who is most likely dead.
“And what about you, Crow? The better half of Kill or Cure, an immortal renegade, but still you somehow managed to lose the Tag Team Championship belts to a couple of upper crust, keyboard warrior, socialites with a combined ten months of ring experience between them. That’s pretty much your wrestling career in a nutshell. It’s kind of fitting that you would flock to Spencer Adams. Birds of a feather flock together and you two are a couple of shitbirds if I’ve ever seen them. Two uber talented men who should be higher up the pecking order then they always are but your own worst enemies? They will always be yourselves.
“The Adler Twins...Cassidy and Olive, it’s kind of ironic that the minute the two of you came back together, you pulled off the biggest upset victory of your lives against Kill or Cure. Opposite of the former champs, the two of you have a strange, symbiotic relationship. I ain’t gonna make some tasteless joke about the two of you fucking each other but I will say there’s something sinister lurking underneath the painted facade. As a father myself, I know how much children crave the undivided attention of their dads. As a father, you only have so much love to give to your children. The two of you compete harder for his than you do competing in the ring, and that’s what’s going to hold you back in this match.
“The two of you work together so splendidly, but this is a match that doesn’t give teams any advantageous nod. Especially the two of you. Each of you want the glory, untethered from the other, but the problem is you’re doomed to tag team hell for the rest of your careers. There is no big, galvanizing moment for either of you away from the other...and that absolutely kills you inside. Your biggest strength is also your biggest weakness and that’s fucking hilarious to me. Not as hilarious as tipping you both over the top rope is going to be though.”
Wesley rubs his hand along the length of his beard and smiles at the camera.
“I guess I couldn’t go on without talking about the rest of my Battlebowl compatriots in the Havoc Rumble. You know, the other men and women who failed to throw me over the ropes and cement the final spot for themselves? What does that mean if they didn’t have the gumption to dump The IllumiDaddy to the arena floor? I can tell you that it means they didn’t want it nearly as bad as I did. They weren’t ready for that work. Alice definitely didn’t want to catch this smoke for a third time so she’s not even gonna try. Raging Dead would rather dick around with *NAME REDACTED* in a shit house death match then tangle with me. Teo Blaze has pretty much resigned to his fate as The IllumiDaddy’s personal footstool. And Corey Bull is just learning what it means to go toe to toe with Wesley.
“It means you lose. Always.”
Wesley hits that indomitable check mark in thin air.
“Even The IllumiDaddy still has boys in two thousand and twenty. I got my young protege, Masuda Teijin, my Battlebowl partner Zombie McMorris, and quite possibly the best friend I’ve ever had Dandy DiVito. The reason I’m drawn to these three is because they’re as real as they come in the wrestling business, love them or hate them. I don’t fuck with goofy ass losers anymore, just them straight up winners. If I had to give mad props to anyone in this match, these three immediately come to mind and they already know what it is when we step between those ropes at Havoc. Good luck, my boys. You’re really gonna need it.”
Wesley is starts to scratch his cranium, looking real uncomfortable like.
“A fucking inner city, pencil necked, blood lusting, anime geek with a penchant for fist fighting and a super powered alien gimmick. Now, am I talking about Joey Flash or Ryan Lockhart? Holy shit, it’s like the chicken and the egg. Who comes first in those light night twitter wank chats? You two like to think you’re two sides of a different coin but god damn me if you both aren’t the ass end. Let me tell you how this match goes for both of you: Flash can’t concentrate because his wife is cucking him backstage with some C-tier gripper. Lockhart is made from my chicken wing boneyard trash heap. Good shit but not good enough, I’m afraid. It’ll be an absolute pleasure to watch you two bungle your way to an Evolution III match though, not gonna lie.”
Wesley cracks his neck to both sides and reverberates a pop down his spine.
“For some reason, I don’t think that Sam Kidsgrove or James Nightingale are going to let the other literally walk out of this match. This is why I love blood feuds, they’re going to be too obsessed with killing each other to even focus on the objective at hand. They see each other, their eyes glow red, and I toss them over the top rope. They hit the arena floor, still beating the absolute shit out of each other until neither one of them can continue. Keep it up boys! You’re doing the lords work, right now, for sure.”
Wesley kicks forward in his chair and plants the legs on the floor.
“You know, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention two of the biggest sleepers in this match. Bonnie Blue and Walter. Y’all are two of the most dangerous people in this entire rumble. It’s in your nature. Violence and a complete disregard for human life. That’s something that I could beat my shit too...iffin it wasn’t just perception. You see, it’s easy to look like a straight up killer when you only wrestle - in Bonnie’s case, once a month, and in Walters, once a fucking year. I look at y’all, I look at myself and I know we’re not the fucking same. Since I’ve been untethered, I’ve done nothing but straight up kill. Every night. Every match. I put it all on the line every night while y’all are snoozin’ at the crib. Y’all ain’t killers, y’all are filler. Just another pair of bodies for me to dismantle and throw to the floor.”
Wesley begins to count on his fingers and toes, counting the bodies going over the ropes to leave him as the winner.
“Somehow, even though The Man Made Gods have largely completed separately, Corey Black has still managed to carry Kaiju Collins massive frame on his back. Couple of fucking Geijin shitheads. I’ll give him this, Black is a one of a kind Hardcore Champion. Those matches are an entirely different beast...but the Havoc Rumble ain’t contested under his rules. This match isn’t built for somebody like Corey in the slightest. He doesn’t have all of his tools to rely on, so he’ll have to rely on his meat shield Collins, but that’s the most dangerous tactic you can employ. Relying on Kaiju Collins is like holding a gun to your head, man, and you’re fixin’ to smatter your own brains on the mat at Havoc.”
Wesley stands up from his chair and starts to pump himself up.
“And finally, we have the main event players, and I use that term as loose as any of y’alls grip on The World Championship in the last year. Odin Balfore, Lissie Hope, and Frank Patrick Venable. I know y’all have been doing the best you can but the best you can just ain’t cutting it anymore. I think my reign as United States Championship has been longer than any of y’alls World Championship runs combined. I mean, you three were so stalwart that nobody could hang with ya that Alex Richards up and snaked through the stranglehold y’all had on the scene. Ain’t that some shit? You let a perennial fucking loser bring his A game when y’all should have been on that S PLUS shit.
“The problem is that none of y’all are consistent. Either you’re the best version of yourselves, or the absolute worst, and that does not make a World Champion...but me? I’m always on top of my shit. These people might hate my guts, and that’s ok, because at least they consistently hate my guts. But soon, I’ll be the best World Champion they’ve ever hated. I don’t fear failure like the three of you, I fear never having the chance in the first place.”
Wesley points directly at the camera with eyes burning bright.
“But Havoc is my opportunity. It’s my chance to make the biggest statement in Action Wrestling history. Everything I’ve worked for is about to be realized and soon you will all be enlightened.”