|
Post by Derrick Vayden on Mar 28, 2020 0:03:45 GMT -5
And now we all worship our king His name is Derrick's Back He is the king of love We must feed him We must feed him gravel or he becomes angry Derrick's Back: Mmmm, gravelAnyway... Hey! As some of you may have noticed, I've been trying very hard to improve my writing lately. So here I am, hoping to get a little bit of feedback to further step things up. Here is my latest RP. Please let me know what I can correct or change to make things better. Thanks! actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/5601/believe-magic?page=1&scrollTo=24703
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Mar 29, 2020 0:25:19 GMT -5
I haven't been keeping up with your recent stuff as much as I'd like to, but that RP?
That was main-event level shoot. It was biting and had a great edge to it. You built Derrick up in a position of power over everyone in the match, and then you tore into your opponents. It's easy to tell that you used your knowledge here to really rip into them, and that made the shoot all the better. Maintain this level, keep doing what you're doing, there's not many people who can pump out shoot like that on a consistent basis.
It's hard to judge your character development because you weren't really given a lot of word count to work with, but hey, it got the job done. I like the contrast between Derrick's interaction with Geri and then with Magic, and you definitely get a sense of what Derrick's going through and how it's impacting him, even in the small amount of room you were given to do so.
Keep it up, man. There's a lot of promising stuff here to build off of.
|
|
|
Post by Derrick Vayden on Mar 30, 2020 20:29:45 GMT -5
Can someone possibly tell me what I need to improve on? I keep thinking I’m doing okay and then I lose. I’m still semi inexperienced to this so i don’t know what to fix
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2020 18:59:42 GMT -5
Can someone possibly tell me what I need to improve on? I keep thinking I’m doing okay and then I lose. I’m still semi inexperienced to this so i don’t know what to fix You've got the same wall that many of us have facing a team like the adlers. You played a little too close to ear, and they're not so black n white. Try to attack the soul of their issues rather than by on skimming daddy issues alone. Everyone enjoyed your work, but it needed some deeper psych to pad the argument to where it felt personal. Go deeper until you get past the breastbone; otherwise, and this is the hardest part of 7 hundros, it comes up a few arm lengths short.
But let's not fret about it! DV, seriously, I enjoyed what you did against them - I truly did. We all have times when we get an idea and it hits but not deep enough. Try not to beat yourself up about this loss. Keep looking into the opponent, paste them on your mirror like Rocky, breathe their insecurities and crush them. I love your passion, dude. Please keep killing it!
- LP
|
|