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Post by Jeremiah Gail on Mar 16, 2020 22:22:09 GMT -5
actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/5526/whyFirst promo in the bag. Critique is at the heart of the creative process, so it would be greatly appreciated if you could drop a reply below with your thoughts on this promo and what I could do to improve.
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Post by Quixote Della Torre on Mar 17, 2020 20:29:09 GMT -5
Hey man. I think you said you're new to this game overall. I'm VERY impressed. You used the word count very well. I just looked and you were 65 words off cap. This is very disciplined but you perhaps should aim for closer to 700 to optimise.
The RP still felt meaty though. As a CW division enthusiast, I liked the coin motif. You related the Adam Bass shoot back to money. What could've been superb if executed well was tying the other two opponents to cash also, just to keep the metaphorical thread.
I like your writing style - clear, comprehensible, no frills necessarily but technically strong. The structure was good. It was a very decent intro RP indeed.
In an absolutely perfect world, there could've been something a little more intriguing and unconventional weaved in, possibly at the end. Something foreshadowed maybe, a quick flashback, hint or deeper character development aspect.
So really, if I'm talking about what you omitted rather than anything written, it implies you're in a good place!
The only other slight thing was something you mentioned in the FB. The formatting of some description was in the red of the dialogue text. It was easy to tell what was what but it just looked a bit slack.
Carry on like this, you'll do great in this fed. Good job QDT is back up to the main roster soon to flee you.
Great stuff ☺️
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Post by Jeremiah Gail on Mar 28, 2020 17:07:37 GMT -5
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Mar 29, 2020 0:38:33 GMT -5
This is really great stuff.
Your first RP demonstrated a really distinctive voice that you're good at pulling off, that already separates you and gives you an added layer. The shoot itself was quality, the way you linked it thematically to your opponents was excellent. This is stuff that works well in the larger word count divisions, but in Cruiserweight? It's almost crucial and gives your roleplay that extra oompft that's gonna get you to the top, so great work on that.
Your second RP showed a different side of your skills altogether, it makes me wish you competed outside of the CW division, because you had a lot of solid prose and character work there that would be awesome to read more of. You linked your shoot well to a theme once again, but I think you have to be careful here, because Cruiserweight is really a division where you have to go in hard with the shoot. The fact that it only made a small portion of your RP can be a hindrance to your success.
With all that said though, the second RP was a more entertaining read and, in my eyes, "better". But in terms of an E-Fedding perspective? Yeah, it could've used a little more shoot.
Honestly, just from these two pieces alone? It's clear as day you're a talented writer, and if you have the time, I'd seriously recommend you compete in the higher word count divisions so we can get the full scope of your talents. I think you'd make some waves on Clash.
That being said, it'd be cool seeing you work your way through Cruiserweight before making the jump! It's up to you, really. Interested to see where you take this character.
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