|
Post by James Nightingale on Feb 10, 2020 22:45:41 GMT -5
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Feb 11, 2020 19:22:42 GMT -5
I'll get onto this sometime soon.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Feb 12, 2020 11:57:11 GMT -5
Ill.. actually review this
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Feb 12, 2020 13:09:31 GMT -5
Roleplay: Redemption Story
Handler: James Nightingale
Overall thoughts: character is a bit in both directions
Breakdown:
Scene Description: 3
Character development: 3
Shoot: 2
Flow: 4
Rating 2.5 Of 5
Critical review:
So full disclosure. I havent been reading you. So this is the first rp I’ve sat and read and thought about. And uhm, the voice is confusing. The character just seems like a gimmick that Jimmy isnt his AW persona all the time.
So lets take scene 1 and compare to scene 2
Scene 1 - jimmy breaks into a store just to clean his wounds. That's pretty cool sounding and keeps true to how you portray that character. Then you start talking to… a voice? Ok, cool. Your deal. Awesome. Lets go kill sam kidsgrove in a hospital. Its dark and cool and keeps true to the character
Scene 2 - hey dude, sorry - no more beer tonight. I gotta go tuck the kids in.
Uhm, what?
This.. isnt the same character. The guy that nearly took of zmacs head is refusing to drink and worried about bedtime? It kinda undoes the mystique of the character. Unless your character is unaware of the darker stuff and I havent read it ( totally possible ) IF that's true, Dexter type characters are hard to pull off and you need to be on that and plot that stuff out in advance.
In scene 3 you just kinda proved zmac right? You even quoted what zmac sent to you in the IT boards and not only did you just showcase his madness with that volcano match but then you quote him and undo yourself because his post was sarcasm meant to cut you on a deep level.. And it did.
The shoot was fine but its not engaging. I think that's your biggest flaw right now. James nightingale, the character is not engaging but he can be. I think you need to find that voice for him. No one wants to read nightingale posts so he can talk about bedtime. Maybe they do but its not why you stay.
TheSD was standard and as good as its gonna get for wordcount
The CD was strange as I said because you’re showcasing the opposite of your ON AIR character, which to me is counter productive unless theres a reason that I’m not aware of.
The shoot was mild. You talked about how you were disappointed in yourself and in ZMAC so now its time to redeem but you didnt because the whole thing feels flat
Flow - I went back and re read a few things you get clunky but the structure of match related, CD, match related is as good as its gonna get and what I suggest you keep doing.
I’m sure you wana know how you lost to zmac and I’ll leave that to somebody else.
Destruction and maddness and anger and malice are great.. Till you lose. Now you gotta bounce back from it. You don’t want to be a disciple of a demon or spirit or some dark mentor. That means your character isnt in control and is a puppet. You’re NOT the master of darkness or whatever if the character has a boss to report to. You slotted yourself to be a hencemen…
You’re not a henchmen.. Don’t be one. Just sayin.
I like the underlying things. You just have to execute properly.
Suggestions:
Try and find a voice, the dialogue doesnt stick out to me.
Try to maintain balance between ON and OFF air character or else you risk sinking the ON air character.
|
|
|
Post by James Nightingale on Feb 12, 2020 18:00:02 GMT -5
Thanks Odin for taking the time to read my RP and giving me the feedback. Its really useful and is definitely gonna help me in the future.
I just wanted to add a bit of context for my CD as I know you haven’t read my other pieces. So in my RPs usually the big CD piece is a flashback scene. I had put the date in the subheading to show it was a flashback but maybe it wasn’t clear so I might need to put in a few lines to make it clearer for first time readers of my stuff. So the story behind Nightingale is he was a nurse and family man who started hearing voices (which started after a patient hung himself in my 4th rp). Now the twist is you don’t know if he is just a bloke who has gone off the deep end or if he is actually being spoken to by someone, The Matrich. I’ve been telling the story throughout each of my 2k plus RPs which I think there have been 4 now and I have a long arc planned out currently. I’m trying to not make him look like a henchman, one of my initial inspirations was Darth Vader and his relationship with Emperor Palpatine.
Knowing that now would that change your opinion slightly on the CD aspect of my RP? Until now my shoot is often been my down fall so have been working really hard at it. Any tips for trying to find his voice?
Thanks again
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Feb 12, 2020 18:47:29 GMT -5
Yah I'm a moron.... lol it clearly says 2013
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Feb 14, 2020 8:28:56 GMT -5
Okay, quick note: I haven't read Odin's review yet (so that it doesn't influence me) so sorry if I'm redundant and bring up the same stuff as him. Then again, maybe if we agree on some stuff, it'll be more concrete feedback for you.
Also, this is the first ever RP I've read from you! So sorry if I'm missing some context.
I like your first scene overall. The recap is solid and can help people who aren't aware of where your characters at. So that's cool. Plus, the dynamic between James and the "Matriarch" is interesting enough. As a first time reader, I see that James has a motive that is more than just himself, so that's pretty cool. The dialogue is decent. However, I do think it could use some improvement. Some of it doesn't really flow or seem natural. James' dialogue here is fine in this first scene, but the Matriarch's is a bit off, in my opinion.
The transition to the second scene is a bit jarring though, I will admit. Maybe I just don't understand the character, but he seems like a completely different guy in this scene. The guy who was smiling sadistically at the end of the last scene now just seems like a regular dude who is having some issues. I don't know. I guess you could potentially explain it through the trauma that was being explained in that scene (which I like, by the way, I think you did a good job with this exposition of the character), so yeah. It's not terrible or anything, it just caught me off guard.
As for the scene as a whole? Good stuff. I'm a bit disappointed you don't include a bit more description, since I see you have some quality writing in you with the little that you do show us in that department. However, that's more a style preference than anything. There are quite a few people here who are super dialogue heavy with little scene description, and they end up just fine. There are also people who write A1 prose and scene description who do equally as well. So, if scene description isn't your style, then I wouldn't worry about this too much. Just as a reader, I think it would be a little nice to break up the scene a bit more.
Shoot time!
I like that you did your research on ZMAC. He's a character that should be held in high regard, and I think that doing your homework on guys like this is beneficial. However, I think you can clean it up a little. Your point about the ZMAC/Cairo match could've been condensed into a paragraph, and that would've given you much more room to shoot on other things about the character.
I'll try give an example, although I won't mimic your voice.
"Your Volcano Match against Bobby Cairo at Fifteen. Some would call it legendary. Others would call it brutal. Me? I think it's a fuckin' joke. The immortal, coked-up madman? If you're asking me? That dude looked like a lost fuckin' soul, hoping and praying that someone else would get the job done for him. And they did. Is this who you are now, ZMAC? Is that why, for all your talk of being a top draw, your time in AW has been spent festering down in the Cruiserweight, TV and Tag Divisions? Because your hope of being at the peak was lost the moment you gave up your chances of beating your rival at the peak of that Volcano the way a real man would've? Like how I would've? Like how I was ready to fuckin' put you down with that Axe last Clash?"
I don't know. That was just off the top of my head, but just to give you context, that was about 140 words compared to the roughly 340 or so you used up for your bit. I like the idea you had, but I think it could've been made more effective if you were more concise with it.
It's good that you reference what's been happening on the shows to take your shots at ZMAC, but I think you could've gone a bit deeper than that. In my opinion, a great shooter will utilize results to ADD to their overall shoot, rather than make it the whole point of their RP. We don't always need a recap of every single moment that's happened between you guys on every show.
Some of the stuff you referenced I think could've been better used digging into the actual psyche of ZMAC, maybe even pulling inspiration from some of his RPs and spotting flaws or inconsistencies with the character itself. I think that combined nicely with on show stuff creates the ideal shoot. The start of your final paragraph of shoot sort of began to do this, and I was really liking it.
The whole "The Honey Badger don’t give a fuck? I think you do. I think you're scared that your career is coming to an end and it pains you that I am better than you at your own game." part?
That was good shit. Not to say the rest of your shoot was bad or anything, but I would've for sure preferred more of this kind of stuff, I think it's just more engaging for a reader as a whole, especially when it's mixed in with what's happening on the shows, because then you're tackling your opponent from two angles.
There might seem like there's a lot of criticism in here, but if I'm being honest? It's all minor stuff that can probably be patched up within a few RPs if you try. I see good fundamentals as a writer, a decent understanding of how to shoot, and an interesting character dynamic that, with the right execution, could be main-event level stuff sooner rather than later.
Excited to see more stuff from you, man. You've got a great foundation to start off with.
|
|
Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
|
Post by Lockhart on Feb 14, 2020 8:35:22 GMT -5
Okay, reading a bit of Odin's now, and I see we kind of agree about the whole difference between the first scene and the second.
My suggestion to you is figure out exactly how you want this character to be portrayed. If you like the differences between the first and second scene, then that's fine. Go for it. But, if you want it to make sense and be more engaging for the reader (rather than breaking their immersion) you need to make it more clear WHY there's a difference between The Angel of Death James, and the James who is out having a drink with a friend. If you can find that sweet spot where you've explained enough of James' backstory, and there's a solid plot that exposes why there seems to be two sides to James... then that's excellent, and it's exactly what I recommend you do.
Sometimes, these types of characters can be the most engaging for an audience to read. But only if they're well done. If they're executed poorly and the jumps between "dark" and "normal" personalities seems off, then it'll negatively impact the entire RP.
However, if you agree with Odin and I and don't like the fact that he's changing between scenes, then I'd probably look to keep the dark persona, and maybe have it seep more into James' personal life. I think that'll be a nice touch.
Either way, you have a lot of opportunities and paths you can take with the character, and that's always a good thing.
|
|
|
Post by James Nightingale on Feb 14, 2020 9:22:45 GMT -5
That’s awesome feedback thank you. The confusion caused within the second scene was that it was a flashback before he became Nightingale, it’s starting to show his decent into darkness from being a normal guy. It has been a theme though out my lengthier RPs, my 4th rp had a patient hang himself and this was meant as the after effects of that. The way I’ve tended to write my RPs is scene 1 - CD / Shoot in current time, usually on ongoing feud, scene 2 - flashback cd, usually trying to find a theme to use in final shoot, scene 3 - main shoot.
This has shown me though that I need to make it more obvious that it’s a flashback. Although the subheading has a date in the past which I had hoped would be enough to show it was a flashback, both you and Odin missed that when reading it which would mean the rp has come across not as it was intended.
Shoot is definitely a work in progress for me but feel it’s getting there slowly. I have all these great ideas but when it comes to writing it down can’t get it across right, loved what you did to rearrange my work, you made that look easy :-)
Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it
|
|