Post by Carnivore on Jan 31, 2020 23:00:02 GMT -5
Our adventure begins with The Raging Dead pushing a grocery cart down an aisle at Wal-Mart. The cart is empty. His balance must be off as he pushes the cart into shelves, knocking down various cans and boxes. As he nears a stock boy, he grunts to get his attention. The boy reluctantly approaches him.
"Hi. Can I… help you?"
"Brrrraaaaaaiiiiinnnsssssss!"
"Oh, I get it. You're dressed as a zombie. That's cool. We're pretty far off from Halloween though."
"Do you know… who the hell… I am?"
"Are you YouTube famous?"
"No! I'm The Raging Dead!"
"Cool. I like The Walking Dead. Haven't watched since like season five though. Cool costume, dude."
"It's not a costume. This is who I am."
"Oh. Okay. So, can I help you?"
"Brrrraaaaaaiiiiinnnsssssss!"
"Yeah… okay. I've got to get back to-----"
Before he can finish, Raging Dead springs to action and attacks the stock boy with the shopping cart, ramming him into the pallet of cans he was working on. He then tosses the cart aside and stomps away before… he blacks out. When he comes to… he's sitting across from Carnivore in the studio.
“Hello, The Cult of Carnivore. Welcome to my radio show, Raw Beef. I’m DJ Carnivore here with Raging Dead."
A quiet huff from behind the yellow mask.
"So far The MadClan is off to a bad start. Kitty left, Madwoman peaced out. I lost my IBW World Heavyweight Championship to Ana Somnia. Raging and I lost to KOS and Mr Wright. Madwoman and I lost a tag match. Raging and I lost the Tag Team Battle Royal, I was so close to winning. I just keep losing to everyone and I feel like I’m dragging down The MadClan.”
"No no no. You couldn't be any more wrong. YOU didn't lose to anybody. WE lost… collectively. MadClan IS off to a bad start… but that will just make our upcoming success worth more. We're in for a hell of a comeback starting on Monday. Think about every great sports movie where the team was down and out… and then the coach came in with an inspirational speech or whatever. I don’t know much about sports… but… THIS is my inspirational speech. Together… we will be unstoppable. I know I’ve said that for the last month… and we lost. I meant every word the last month though… and I mean it now. We are not defined by our losses. We are defined by our grit… determination… heart. Well, your heart. I’m not sure mine is even beating anymore. Regardless… our match with IllumiGnarly is the start of something great for MadClan. That will be the start of erasing our past losses."
A louder huff from behind the yellow mask.
“I know but this stuff weighs on me mentally, KOS talked a lot about the pressure on me and he was right. I’m not frustrated, no, frustration is not the damn word for it. Angered is not the word for it. I'm furious and have every right to be. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed at myself more than anything. It's exhausting to go over our losses, however just because we've lost doesn't mean The IllumiGnarly should sleep on us. I'm not going to give up until we get to the top. I don’t think we can erase our losses like words on a piece of paper but we can turn those losses into stepping stones to get to the top. As long as we simply make the decision to not give up, it certainly will get better if we believe it will. I never, never, never give up. If I gave up on myself then I would be giving up on my family."
"There ya go! That's what we need right now. We're going to go in there and show the world that when the going gets tough… we keep fighting. We're fighting for all the right reasons. The most important thing in life will always be family."
“Yeah, we’re family.”
"And family sticks together. Through thick and thin. Which will it be on Monday when we take on IllumiGnarly? I've waited since October to get my hands on Ariel Shadows. She showed up drunk to Monster Mash, a show I held in Ozone Park two days before Halloween. She caused a ruckus trying to get backstage, claiming she was a big deal in Action Wrestling. Well, I hadn't heard of her OR Action Wrestling at the time… so I told her to fuck off. Then she somehow ended up front row and threatened to make Madwoman eat her own ass. I don't know how that would even be possible… but I had security haul her drunk ass out of the cemetery. Three months later… I finally get to see if she'll make ME eat MY own ass."
"Nobody wants to see that."
"Of course not. It's an empty threat from an alcoholic. Hopefully her sponsor Wesley keeps a tight hold of that leash. That is… if she even makes it to Detroit on Monday. I heard a rumor that she was leaving Action Wrestling when they eventually lost the Tag Team Championship. Well… there are new champs… so maybe this match is a handicap match. Maybe when we hear that awful tune Icky Thump… it'll just be the Guru Daddy all by his lonesome. If that's the case… our odds of victory drastically increase. iGnarly had such an iconic run as champs… that he probably doesn't remember how to exist on his own. I like our chances either way. I think we've finally found what works for us. We've been in a rut this month. Why do you think that is?"
"I play the scenes of my losses in my head. I realize I've made a mistake, I was racking my brain on what it could be. I realize I've lost the rage, I'm too tame. Everyone else is giving it a hundred and ten percent while I haven't. I haven't been as serious as I should be in Action Wrestling so you could say I've been playing with matches but we have an opportunity to strike. I need to use the rage from losing my IBW World Heavyweight Championship and losing the tag team matches, you'll see how combustible this all is. I will beat The IllumiGnarly because I have to beat The IllumiGnarly, like a hand grenade, I need to pull a pin out. I’m out to beat the best tag team because for me this isn’t a match, this is a hitjob. I didn't know about Ariel claiming to be a big deal in Action Wrestling, The IllumiGnarly might have been stars here in Action but I’m not starstruck. If she is leaving Wesley because they aren’t tag team champions anymore, Ariel is more childish than I thought. The IllumiGnarly are former tag team champions but now they are just our challenger, but if they are The Challenger then Raging and I are a space shuttle because we’re going to blow up our challenger. After we knock them out in this war, The IllumiGnarly will be the ones seeing stars. Noticed how I said war. This isn’t a match, this isn’t even a hitjob relly, I’m not going to be trying to just shooting stars, this is star wars. Wesley talks about The Enlightenment and he must be heliocentric because this star, this sun is the center of everything. I said this son is the center of everything and I’m going to son “The IllumiDaddy” in the ring because WESLEY, I AM YOUR FATHER! "
"I may not be a Dream Daddy… or a Guru Daddy… or an IllumiDaddy… but I am a father. I have two daughters from two very different times in my life. I don't go around calling myself a daddy… but I work hard every day of my life to provide for my family. I don't know what Wesley is all about… aside from shameless self promotion. This man is from Hollywood of the South… so his narcissism makes perfect sense. I'm not about that life. What I'm about… is causing irreparable damage to human beings inside of the circled square. It won't matter how explosive but smooth this fella is. He will soon fear The Raging Dead. He can come at me with every IllumiMove he can pull off of YouTube… and I guarantee I will counter every… single… one. I may not be his daddy… but I'll send Wesley crying to him on Monday."
“I’m Welsey’s father and I’m also the stepparent of redheaded Ariel Shadows that abuses her. This war is going to be a family affair inside the square circle or err...circled square as you put it. The only way I leave without my hands raised is in handcuffs for child abuse."
"I won't let you get arrested. The damage we inflict on iGnarly will be well disguised as sports entertainment. Wesley and Ariel have made a career out of dominating the tag team division. Now… things are different. There are new champs… and the former champs are reduced to chumps. Even before Wesley… Ariel was accustomed to riding someone's coattails. I'm talking about the Godfather of MadClan… Madman Szalinski. Ariel is really good at making bad decisions… and coming back to wrestling has proven to be a mistake. She keeps getting hurt in the most bizarre ways… and yet… still thinks that pro wrestling is her calling. If she wanders into Detroit… she won't be kicking either of our faces off. Instead… the first ever dual champ in Action Wrestling history will finally be put to rest. The legend of Ariel Shadows ends when she steps in the ring against The MadClan."
“The MadClan are trying to blow the building up.“
Carnivore picks up a stick of dynamite and lighter from under the table.
“Allow us to enlighten you. This is DJ Carnivore with Raging Dead signing off."
The scene cuts to the same Wal-Mart from before. Shocking. There we see Nathan Gust, the man behind the face paint. He is strolling down the freezer aisle with a basket, looking for an oddly specific flavor of Hot Pockets that he once saw in a Tulsa, Oklahoma Wal-Mart on July 15, 2012. As he browses all of the doors, he is approached hastily by a police officer.
"I need you to put down the basket and put your hands on the glass."
"What's this about, officer?"
He follows orders and allows the officer to search him.
"We received a call from Wal-Mart management that the man who assaulted their employee had returned."
"Oh man. That's terrible. How can I help?"
"You are the man they called about. Do you have identification?"
He hands over his wallet.
"Nathan Ned… Gust? As in… Raging Nathan Gust… former [REDACTED] World Champion?!"
"The one and only. I take it you're a fan."
"You know it! I've been a fan since you and Punkman were jobbers."
"What a throwback. Shame Punkman passed away a year later. But, hey, we can all hope to live to 98 years old."
"I hate to even ask… but where were you at three o'clock this afternoon?"
"I was actually on my way to Wal-Mart… and then… I don't remember what I did. Weird symptom of my white brain matter. Ya never know when you'll space out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. You never made it to Wal-Mart earlier then?"
"Nope. Not until a few minutes ago. Can't you check the security tapes?"
"You know how these places are. Their cameras lag… have wrong times… it can be a mess."
"I hear that. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. It's a real shame what people get away with these days. But hey… if there's anything else I can help with… here's my card. My personal email is attached. Shoot me an email sometime. I'd love to make a donation to your police station."
He hands over a business card and the officer looks appreciative. The two men shake hands and exchange pleasantries before they go their separate ways. Gust makes it to the end of the aisle and then stops. Only his head turns around slowly, revealing his eyes glowing yellow. We hear the maniacal laugh of Nirvana Wolfgang Von Frankenstein as the scene fades to black.
"Hi. Can I… help you?"
"Brrrraaaaaaiiiiinnnsssssss!"
"Oh, I get it. You're dressed as a zombie. That's cool. We're pretty far off from Halloween though."
"Do you know… who the hell… I am?"
"Are you YouTube famous?"
"No! I'm The Raging Dead!"
"Cool. I like The Walking Dead. Haven't watched since like season five though. Cool costume, dude."
"It's not a costume. This is who I am."
"Oh. Okay. So, can I help you?"
"Brrrraaaaaaiiiiinnnsssssss!"
"Yeah… okay. I've got to get back to-----"
Before he can finish, Raging Dead springs to action and attacks the stock boy with the shopping cart, ramming him into the pallet of cans he was working on. He then tosses the cart aside and stomps away before… he blacks out. When he comes to… he's sitting across from Carnivore in the studio.
“Hello, The Cult of Carnivore. Welcome to my radio show, Raw Beef. I’m DJ Carnivore here with Raging Dead."
A quiet huff from behind the yellow mask.
"So far The MadClan is off to a bad start. Kitty left, Madwoman peaced out. I lost my IBW World Heavyweight Championship to Ana Somnia. Raging and I lost to KOS and Mr Wright. Madwoman and I lost a tag match. Raging and I lost the Tag Team Battle Royal, I was so close to winning. I just keep losing to everyone and I feel like I’m dragging down The MadClan.”
"No no no. You couldn't be any more wrong. YOU didn't lose to anybody. WE lost… collectively. MadClan IS off to a bad start… but that will just make our upcoming success worth more. We're in for a hell of a comeback starting on Monday. Think about every great sports movie where the team was down and out… and then the coach came in with an inspirational speech or whatever. I don’t know much about sports… but… THIS is my inspirational speech. Together… we will be unstoppable. I know I’ve said that for the last month… and we lost. I meant every word the last month though… and I mean it now. We are not defined by our losses. We are defined by our grit… determination… heart. Well, your heart. I’m not sure mine is even beating anymore. Regardless… our match with IllumiGnarly is the start of something great for MadClan. That will be the start of erasing our past losses."
A louder huff from behind the yellow mask.
“I know but this stuff weighs on me mentally, KOS talked a lot about the pressure on me and he was right. I’m not frustrated, no, frustration is not the damn word for it. Angered is not the word for it. I'm furious and have every right to be. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed at myself more than anything. It's exhausting to go over our losses, however just because we've lost doesn't mean The IllumiGnarly should sleep on us. I'm not going to give up until we get to the top. I don’t think we can erase our losses like words on a piece of paper but we can turn those losses into stepping stones to get to the top. As long as we simply make the decision to not give up, it certainly will get better if we believe it will. I never, never, never give up. If I gave up on myself then I would be giving up on my family."
"There ya go! That's what we need right now. We're going to go in there and show the world that when the going gets tough… we keep fighting. We're fighting for all the right reasons. The most important thing in life will always be family."
“Yeah, we’re family.”
"And family sticks together. Through thick and thin. Which will it be on Monday when we take on IllumiGnarly? I've waited since October to get my hands on Ariel Shadows. She showed up drunk to Monster Mash, a show I held in Ozone Park two days before Halloween. She caused a ruckus trying to get backstage, claiming she was a big deal in Action Wrestling. Well, I hadn't heard of her OR Action Wrestling at the time… so I told her to fuck off. Then she somehow ended up front row and threatened to make Madwoman eat her own ass. I don't know how that would even be possible… but I had security haul her drunk ass out of the cemetery. Three months later… I finally get to see if she'll make ME eat MY own ass."
"Nobody wants to see that."
"Of course not. It's an empty threat from an alcoholic. Hopefully her sponsor Wesley keeps a tight hold of that leash. That is… if she even makes it to Detroit on Monday. I heard a rumor that she was leaving Action Wrestling when they eventually lost the Tag Team Championship. Well… there are new champs… so maybe this match is a handicap match. Maybe when we hear that awful tune Icky Thump… it'll just be the Guru Daddy all by his lonesome. If that's the case… our odds of victory drastically increase. iGnarly had such an iconic run as champs… that he probably doesn't remember how to exist on his own. I like our chances either way. I think we've finally found what works for us. We've been in a rut this month. Why do you think that is?"
"I play the scenes of my losses in my head. I realize I've made a mistake, I was racking my brain on what it could be. I realize I've lost the rage, I'm too tame. Everyone else is giving it a hundred and ten percent while I haven't. I haven't been as serious as I should be in Action Wrestling so you could say I've been playing with matches but we have an opportunity to strike. I need to use the rage from losing my IBW World Heavyweight Championship and losing the tag team matches, you'll see how combustible this all is. I will beat The IllumiGnarly because I have to beat The IllumiGnarly, like a hand grenade, I need to pull a pin out. I’m out to beat the best tag team because for me this isn’t a match, this is a hitjob. I didn't know about Ariel claiming to be a big deal in Action Wrestling, The IllumiGnarly might have been stars here in Action but I’m not starstruck. If she is leaving Wesley because they aren’t tag team champions anymore, Ariel is more childish than I thought. The IllumiGnarly are former tag team champions but now they are just our challenger, but if they are The Challenger then Raging and I are a space shuttle because we’re going to blow up our challenger. After we knock them out in this war, The IllumiGnarly will be the ones seeing stars. Noticed how I said war. This isn’t a match, this isn’t even a hitjob relly, I’m not going to be trying to just shooting stars, this is star wars. Wesley talks about The Enlightenment and he must be heliocentric because this star, this sun is the center of everything. I said this son is the center of everything and I’m going to son “The IllumiDaddy” in the ring because WESLEY, I AM YOUR FATHER! "
"I may not be a Dream Daddy… or a Guru Daddy… or an IllumiDaddy… but I am a father. I have two daughters from two very different times in my life. I don't go around calling myself a daddy… but I work hard every day of my life to provide for my family. I don't know what Wesley is all about… aside from shameless self promotion. This man is from Hollywood of the South… so his narcissism makes perfect sense. I'm not about that life. What I'm about… is causing irreparable damage to human beings inside of the circled square. It won't matter how explosive but smooth this fella is. He will soon fear The Raging Dead. He can come at me with every IllumiMove he can pull off of YouTube… and I guarantee I will counter every… single… one. I may not be his daddy… but I'll send Wesley crying to him on Monday."
“I’m Welsey’s father and I’m also the stepparent of redheaded Ariel Shadows that abuses her. This war is going to be a family affair inside the square circle or err...circled square as you put it. The only way I leave without my hands raised is in handcuffs for child abuse."
"I won't let you get arrested. The damage we inflict on iGnarly will be well disguised as sports entertainment. Wesley and Ariel have made a career out of dominating the tag team division. Now… things are different. There are new champs… and the former champs are reduced to chumps. Even before Wesley… Ariel was accustomed to riding someone's coattails. I'm talking about the Godfather of MadClan… Madman Szalinski. Ariel is really good at making bad decisions… and coming back to wrestling has proven to be a mistake. She keeps getting hurt in the most bizarre ways… and yet… still thinks that pro wrestling is her calling. If she wanders into Detroit… she won't be kicking either of our faces off. Instead… the first ever dual champ in Action Wrestling history will finally be put to rest. The legend of Ariel Shadows ends when she steps in the ring against The MadClan."
“The MadClan are trying to blow the building up.“
Carnivore picks up a stick of dynamite and lighter from under the table.
“Allow us to enlighten you. This is DJ Carnivore with Raging Dead signing off."
The scene cuts to the same Wal-Mart from before. Shocking. There we see Nathan Gust, the man behind the face paint. He is strolling down the freezer aisle with a basket, looking for an oddly specific flavor of Hot Pockets that he once saw in a Tulsa, Oklahoma Wal-Mart on July 15, 2012. As he browses all of the doors, he is approached hastily by a police officer.
"I need you to put down the basket and put your hands on the glass."
"What's this about, officer?"
He follows orders and allows the officer to search him.
"We received a call from Wal-Mart management that the man who assaulted their employee had returned."
"Oh man. That's terrible. How can I help?"
"You are the man they called about. Do you have identification?"
He hands over his wallet.
"Nathan Ned… Gust? As in… Raging Nathan Gust… former [REDACTED] World Champion?!"
"The one and only. I take it you're a fan."
"You know it! I've been a fan since you and Punkman were jobbers."
"What a throwback. Shame Punkman passed away a year later. But, hey, we can all hope to live to 98 years old."
"I hate to even ask… but where were you at three o'clock this afternoon?"
"I was actually on my way to Wal-Mart… and then… I don't remember what I did. Weird symptom of my white brain matter. Ya never know when you'll space out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. You never made it to Wal-Mart earlier then?"
"Nope. Not until a few minutes ago. Can't you check the security tapes?"
"You know how these places are. Their cameras lag… have wrong times… it can be a mess."
"I hear that. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. It's a real shame what people get away with these days. But hey… if there's anything else I can help with… here's my card. My personal email is attached. Shoot me an email sometime. I'd love to make a donation to your police station."
He hands over a business card and the officer looks appreciative. The two men shake hands and exchange pleasantries before they go their separate ways. Gust makes it to the end of the aisle and then stops. Only his head turns around slowly, revealing his eyes glowing yellow. We hear the maniacal laugh of Nirvana Wolfgang Von Frankenstein as the scene fades to black.