SCAFFOLD MATCH
SUPER STACHE BROS VS. BERNARD CORE AND DEAN WOLF
Andres Castro: Damas y caballeros, this contest is scheduled for uno fall…
Crowd: ¡Uno fall!
Andres Castro: ...and it is a Scaffold Match!
The crowd cheers.
Andres Castro: In this contest, a team can only win when they knock both of their opponents off of the scaffold and to the ring below.
The camera gets a shot of the scaffold, a 15 foot high structure supported by two climbing towers on both ends. At the top is a wooden board where the combatants will meet and engage in battle.
Jayson Price: The scaffold match is one of the most dangerous matches in professional wrestling. Bodies could be broken. Careers could be ended. Lives could be changed for the worse. But this is XIII, THE most dangerous night in professional wrestling history.
“Wing Fortress Zone” by Masato Nakamura plays over the loudspeakers. Out from behind the plain black curtain step Dean Wolf and the self-proclaimed educational leader, Bernard Core. Core holds his nose and looks at Wolf with a disgusted face, who nods at Core in agreement.
Andres Castro: Introducing first, from Albany, New York, weighing in at a total combined weight of 445 pounds, Dean Wolf and Headmaster Bernard Core, The Core Institute!
Core cautiously walks down the middle of the aisle, trying to avoid being touched by the Mexican fans. Wolf swats away any hands that try and touch he or his partner.
Jayson Price: This feud between The Core Institute and The Super Stache Brothers began with a fight on Twitter that ended when Dean Wolf laid out a challenge and promised to “reform” Biff and Buff.
Luscious Jackson: Dean Wolf and Bernard Core are all about rigid structure, something the Stache Brothers definitely did not grow up with despite growing up to become UCI Tag Team Champions.
The Core Institute approach the scaffold and shake it to check its stability. Wolf nods in approval. Core grabs a microphone from a ring attendant and begins to climb the structure. Wolf follows behind him. Once they make it to the top, the music stops.
Jayson Price: Let’s hear what the Headmaster has to say.
Bernard Core slowly lifts the microphone to his face.
Bernard Core: Since you people come into MY country and refuse to learn OUR language, I’m not going to speak to you in YOUR language.
The crowd boos.
Bernard Core: For too long now, you people have been sending your finest citizens, the drug dealers, into our country, where they infiltrate our schools and sell their narcotics to our nation’s use.
The crowd boos.
Bernard Core: For too long now, you people have been crossing the border that separates our two countries and sending your children to school on the taxpayers’ dime.
Bernard Core: For too long now, you people have been coming into our country and poisoning our American culture with songs like “Despacito.”
The crowd boos.
Luscious Jackson: Hey, I like that song!
Bernard Core: There was a time in this world where immigrants came into this country- LEGALLY, I might add- and assimilated so American culture. They learned English. They didn’t go around speaking their alien languages expecting everybody to accommodate them by having signs written in their home language.. They worked 16 hours dies in dark, smoke filled factories. They didn’t get free benefits from the government. They raised their children to be Americans. Good, hard working, obedient, loyal American citizens! They didn’t allow their children to get a free education and act like juvenile delinquents. They pushed their children to have better lives than they did. Today, you people bring your little “dreamers” into our country and allow them to run roughshod over our land, never encouraging them to respect the land that took them in without punishment.
He pauses and looks at Wolf, who nods his head in agreement.
Bernard Core: You know why they call the children of illegal immigrants “dreamers?” It’s because they must be “dreaming” if they think that after March, President Donald J. Trump will allow them to stay inside of our country!
The crowd boos.
Bernard Core: Once that time comes, we are going to flood your country with YOUR people. YOU are going to have to be responsible for them again. YOU are going to have to take care of them again. THEY are going to be YOUR problem once and for all! And then President Trump will finally build his long awaited wall and keep you “cucarachas” out of our country FOREVER!
The crowd is now boiling with nuclear heat.
Bernard Core: But not before we throw those two disgusting, dimwitted dolts known as the Super Stache Brothers off of this scaffold and leave them laid up in one of your hospitals, where I’m sure they’ll get the finest medical care that Mexico has to offer. And if America is lucky, the doctors will stick Biff and Buff with used needles and give them both Hepatitis C, and then when they both try to come back across the border, the U.S. Border Patrol will deny them re-entry into the country and they’ll have to stay in this rotten rat infested cesspool where they belong!
There’s more heat in the Auditorio Fausto Gutierrez Moreno than a chili pepper.
Bernard Core throws the microphone back down to the ring attendant. Both he and Dean Wolf walk to their side of the scaffold and wait for their opponents.
Jayson Price: Wow. He made Donald Trump look like Martin Luther King.
“A.D.I.D.A.S.” plays. Due to Core’s venomous opening remarks, the Super Stache Brothers are immediately over and getting a pop like Steve Austin returning from a neck injury.
Jayson Price: My God, listen to this place!
Biff and Buff Mustache walk out to the mega reaction.
Luscious Jackson: Yeah, but...um...what they’re wearing…
The brothers are wearing ponchos over their banana hammocks and sombreros on their heads. And of course, they have groomed their mustaches extra long for tonight and bushy.
Luscious Jackson: I think they’re both trying to look like that guy from the South of the Border signs.
Jayson Price: Or Pancho Villa. Or the Frito Bandito.
Luscious Jackson: That’s a dated reference.
Andres Castro: And they’re opponents, from Mustache Manor, weighing in at a total combined weight of 480 pounds, Biff and Buff, the Super Stache Brothers!
The brothers pose at the top of the aisle. They pull maracas out of their banana hammocks and start to shake them as they strut down the aisle.
Luscious Jackson: Bernard Core’s comments were so offensive that the fans don’t even mind that the Stache Brothers are appropriating their culture!
Jayson Price: I’ll give this to them: even though are about to enter a highly dangerous match, they aren’t letting it show!
The brothers take off their costumes and throw their sombreros into the crowd. They shake the scaffold before climbing all the way up. They reach the top and get their game faces on, staring straight at The Core Institute.
The music ends.
Crowd: ¡Hermanos del bigote! ¡Hermanos del bigote! ¡Hermanos del bigote! ¡Hermanos del bigote!
Jayson Price: This crowd is solidly behind the Stache Brothers. They never got a reaction like this in the States.
Luscious Jackson: They’ve also never faced The Core Institute.
The bell rings.
Jayson Price: Here we go!
Biff and Buff begin to inch towards the other side of the scaffold, cautiously making each step as they try to balance themselves on the wooden board beneath their feet. Wolf moves a few feet ahead, standing in a defensive position as he protects his headmaster, Bernard Core, who hangs back.
Jayson Price: Look at Core standing back. Real brave guy he is. I hope Wolf can protect him when they try to leave the arena tonight, too.
When Biff gets close enough, Wolf takes a swing at Biff, who avoids the shot and shoots for Wolf’s legs. Wolf backs up and shoves Biff’s head to the ground, locking him in a front face lock. Buff tries to take advantage and moves towards Core. Wolf releases Biff and grabs on to Buff’s leg. Buff takes a few shots at Wolf’s head but Wolf won’t let go of his grip. Biff gets to his feet and kicks Wolf in the shoulder. Wolf lets go of Buff. Buff goes for Core again, but Wolf grabs the back of his tights with his right hand. Biff goes to hit Wolf with an axe handle, but Wolf rakes his eyes with his left hand before he can make contact. With Biff temporarily blinded, Wolf pulls Buff in and throws him with a release German suplex right into Biff. Both brothers fall to the hard wooden floor. Biff almost falls off of the scaffold but Biff grabs on to him and prevents him from rolling off.
Luscious Jackson: That was close!
With the brothers neutralized, Bernard Core finally comes out of his side of the scaffold and goes on the attack, stomping away on Biff while Wolf chokes the life out of Buff and slams his head on the board.
Jayson Price: And Wolf is viciously attacking Biff.
Luscious Jackson: I hear that’s how he handle the students at The Core Institute.
Jayson Price: God forbid.
Core tries to push Biff off of the scaffold, but Biff twists his upper body away from the edge to prevent Core from eliminating him.
Jayson Price: Biff holding on!
Buff, with Wolf’s sadistic hands still wrapped around his throat, manages to get a thumb in the eye of the dean of discipline. Wolf releases his cobra like clutch on the older Stache bro and falls onto his back. Buff recovers from the attack by trying to catch his breath. Once he has his breath under control, he starts to make it to his feet. Core looks behind him and sees Buff’s revitalization. Immediately, he stops his attack on Biff and gingerly makes his way back to his side, Buff stalking him only by a few feet.
Jayson Price: And just like that, Core retreats at the first sign of trouble.
Core backs away until he can’t back away any more. He leans his back up against the guardrail and kicks at Buff, who’s careful to avoid Core’s boot. Core shouts Wolf’s name in distress.
Luscious Jackson: Core’s in a bad way here. If Wolf doesn’t save him soon, he could be the first one crashing down to the mat.
Wolf begins making his way back up to his feet, but Biff grabs his right foot, trying to pull him away from Buff. Biff manages to pull him a few feet, but Wolf turns around onto his butt and delivers a stiff boot to the side of Biff’s face.
Jayson Price: What a shot!
Biff falls back down, releasing Wolf in the process. Wolf gets to his feet and stumbles towards Buff, who’s still trying to get at Core.
Luscious Jackson: Look out, Buff!
Wolf locks in a sleeper hold on Buff and begins pulling him away from Core.
Jayson Price: And Core saved again!
Buff begins to fade, but before he’s totally incapacitated, Biff comes from behind Wolf and locks HIM in a sleeper hold.
Jayson Price: Double sleeper hold!
With Wolf’s grip become looser, Buff starts to come back to life. He stands more upright and delivers a tough elbow shot to Wolf’s side. Wolf hollers out in pain and lets go of Buff. Buff turns and grabs Wolf’s legs while he’s still locked in the sleeper.They start swinging the Dean back and forth, preparing to toss him over the side of the scaffold.
Luscious Jackson: Look out below!
Biff yells for Buff to look behind him, but before Buff can heed his brother’s warning, Bernard Core drops down to one knee and gives Buff a low blow.
Luscious Jackson: For a Mustache, getting hit in the groin is worse than getting AIDS.
The pain is so intense that Buff collapses to the ground. Core starts stomping on Buff, which causes him to roll towards the edge of the scaffold.
Jayson Price: Oh no!
Core gives Buff one more huge stomp before his lower body begins to hang over the edge.
Jayson Price: Buff trying to hang on!
Biff lets go of Wolf, falls to his knees, and reaches for Buff. They grab each other’s hands, but Core kicks their hands apart, causing Biff to hang by the edge of the scaffold with one hand. He swings his body a few times until he has enough momentum to swing and grab onto the bars under the board. He hangs there like a kid swinging from the monkey bars.
Luscious Jackson: How long can his upper body strength last?
Meanwhile, Biff gets to his feet. The tables have turned and now he is the one being stalked by his two opponents. While he’s being back into his side of the scaffold, he looks towards the backstage area and makes a motion with his hand as if he’s trying to tell someone to come out from behind the curtain.
Jayson Price: What’s he motioning for?
Biff realizes that he must pay attention to the opponents across from him who want to turn him into Martin Sheen’s character from The Departed, who met his demise by being thrown off the top of an apartment building. He psyches himself up and musters up the courage to run at his opponents. Unfortunately, he’s caught by Wolf, who grabs him and drives him face first into the board with a Hall Sweep Reverse STO.
Luscious Jackson: Oooo!
Jayson Price: A Hall Sweep made even more destructive by that wooden board lying across the scaffold!
The Core Institute mercilessly stomps on Biff. Buff tries to climb across the bars in order to make it back towards the side of the structure and climb up to assist his brother, but his muscles are giving out on him, making it harder and harder to hang on to the bars, let alone climb. But suddenly, Biff and Buff’s guardian angels appear.
Jayson Price: What a minute! Look who it is!
Luscious Jackson: The reinforcements have arrived!
Jayson Price: And look what they’ve brought with them!
Mama Mustache, her brother Ulysses Nabrow, and her husband, Papa Stache walk down the aisle carrying a huge trampoline. Wolf and Core stop their relentless assault on Biff to observe what’s happening in the ring below. Mama, Ulysses, and Papa center the trampoline in the ring. The Core Institute are having a temper tantrum, yelling at the Mustache Family down below. Mama Mustache looks up at the two school administrators, raises her hand, and lifts a good ol’ middle finger. Core is appalled while Wolf loses his mind, cursing and screaming at the old hag while stomping on the board.
Jayson Price: The Core Institute are incensed!
Mama looks at Buff and makes a motion with her arms for him to fall. Buff hesitates, not sure if the trampoline will catch him. He closes his eyes and scrunches his face, hoping that he won’t break through the trampoline and go “splat” on the mat below. He lets go and takes a flat back bump onto the trampoline. As soon as his body hits the trampoline, he immediately shoots back up into the air and lands feet first on the wooden board at the top of the scaffold.
Jayson Price: Whoa!
Luscious Jackson: Amazing!
The Mustaches in the ring celebrate. Ulysses and Mama hug each other and start making out while Papa does his usual posedown like it’s ‘89 and he just beat the Crotcho Man for the World Title.
Luscious Jackson: Um…
Jayson Price: Don’t ask. Just don’t ask. The less you know, the better.
The crowd goes crazy as Core and Wolf stare at Buff stunned, amazed at the feat and the sudden turn of events. They both walk quickly towards Buff, but he grabs both of them at the same time and hits a double flapjack on to the board.
Jayson Price: Such strength by Buff!
Wolf turns onto his back. The overhead camera picks up a shot at Wolf’s face. His head has been busted open by the contact it made with the wood. Meanwhile, Core holds his mouth in pain. Buff gets up and shakes off the pain. He roars, psyching himself and the fans up. He’s got a wide eyed, wild look on his face. He grabs Wolf’s leg and locks in the Buff’s Stuff Figure Four Leg Lock. Wolf screams out in pain, rolling from side to side on his back trying to break free from the vice like grip of Buff’s legs. Buff moves back and forth, pulling on Wolf’s foot the entire time to add more pressure. Core, meanwhile, takes advantage of the situation and crawls towards his side of the scaffold. He makes it and begins to climb down the scaffold.
Jayson Price: Now where is he going?!
Buff finally notices Core’s escape and releases the hold. Wolf immediately grabs his ankle. He doesn’t comfort himself for long though as he grabs a hold of Buff’s leg to prevent him from going further. Buff falls forward but breaks his fall with his hands. He tries to pull away but Wolf’s devotion to Core causes him to hold Buff as tight as he can. Buff looks back and yells to Biff, who shakes the cobwebs from his head but still doesn’t have the wherewithal to get up and help his brother.
Jayson Price: He’s still feeling the effects of that Hall Sweep!
Meanwhile, Core climbs down to the monkey bars and tries to climb his way to the other side of the scaffold. While she’s still making out with her brother, Mama eyes Core and pushes Ulysses away. She looks around the ring trying to come up with a plan to stop the headmaster. Quickly, she order Ulysses to get the trampoline out of the ring. While Ulysses follows through on his sister’s order, Mama slaps Papa in the back of the head to get him to stop his posing and come back to the present day. She motions with her thumb for Papa to lift her up. He lifts her up onto his shoulders. She order him to walk towards the center of the ring, where Core is hovering above. When Mama is within reach, she latches on to Core’s foot and tries to pull him down.
Jayson Price: She’s trying to jerk him off!
Luscious Jackson: The scaffold.
Back on the top of the scaffold, Wolf still has Buff grounded. He gets to his feet, pulls Buff in, and double chickenwings Buff’s arms.
Jayson Price: He’s going to go for Suspension!
He’s about to lift Buff up, but out of nowhere, Biff hits Wolf in the back of the head with a double axe handle. The crowd cheers Biff’s heroics.
Jayson Price: Biff to the rescue!
Buff now turns Wolf around and locks in a double chickenwing of his own. Biff backs up and few feet and then charges with a Bicycle Kick, but Wolf ducks at the last second and Buff eats Wolf’s boot. Biff holds his head, realizing the mistake he just made. He turns around but is snatched up swiftly by Wolf, who gives Biff an Alabama Slam, dropping him right on top of Buff.
Luscious Jackson: He should have dropped Biff on the exposed wood! That wasn’t wise by the Dean.
Wolf laughs at the brothers pained on the ground but looks over the side and sees Mama Mustache trying to pull Core down to the mat. Wolf’s face goes from devious to alarmed and quickly climbs down to save his boss. He wastes no time in climbing to the center of the structure, where Core is struggling to stay up in the air. Wolf lifts his legs up, bringing his knees up to his chest. Once he can bend no more, he shoots his legs forward like a pinball being shot from a spring launcher and kicks Mama right in her face, causing her to moonsault backwards off of Papa’s shoulders, landing right on her busted face.
Crowd: OOOOOOO!
Jayson Price: Oh my God! She’s a 60 year old woman!
Ulysses immediately tends to her, flipping her on to her back and trying to give her mouth to mouth.
Luscious Jackson: She’s breathing, bro. She doesn’t need mouth to mouth.
Jayson Price: I don’t think he’s doing that to give her air.
Core and Wolf laugh at the Dean’s handiwork and then try to climb back towards opposite sides of the scaffold. They both reach the end of the monkey bars, but before they can climb back up the scaffold, Core is met by Biff and Wolf is met by Buff. The looks on the brothers’ faces tell the whole story.
Jayson Price: No one hurts their Mama. NO ONE!
Core and Wolf begin to climb back towards the center of the monkey bars and the Stache Bros give chase, climbing after them. When Core and Wolf meet in the middle and realize they can go forward no longer, they turn back around, realizing they’re trapped.
Jayson Price: The Core Institute have nowhere to go!
The brothers stare look over at each other, nod, and then look back at their opponents.
Biff and Buff: SHOCKDICKS ACTIVATE!
Luscious Jackson: Did they just say “Shockdicks?”
Suddenly, the crotch in Biff and Buff’s banana hammocks bust open and out pop their Shockdicks, which are shock sticks attached to the ends of their penises. The Core Institute have no idea what to make of this and just stare in bewilderment. Biff and Buff swing back and forth. Wolf and Core try desperately to get their legs up but they don’t have enough room to lift. Finally, when the Stache Bros have enough momentum, they swing their pelvises forward and zap the two members of the Core Institute. The sound of electricity flowing can be heard throughout the arena.
Jayson Price: My God!
Core and Wolf immediately let go of the monkey bars and crash down to the mat, convulsing upon landing, the after effects of electricity causing them to flop around like fish out of water. The referee calls for the bell and the crowd goes nuts.
Andres Castor: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of this contest, the Super Stache Brothers!
“A.D.I.D.A.S.” plays while Biff and Buff climb back towards the side of the scaffold. They make it back to the ring and go right to their mother, who’s sitting up on the mat. She motions for the brothers to get her to her feet. She walks to the corner of the ring and yells to Andres Castor.
Mama Mustache: Gimme a fuckin’ mic!
Taylor complies.
Mama Mustache: Cut awff the fuckin’ music!
The music stops. Mama points towards Core.
Mama Mustache: Now this edumacational mothafucka had some choice words to say about my gawd damn family this past Sunday awn Slam. He called my sons retawded. He said that we were awll infected with syphilis. Well you know what? If this gawd damn cawcksucka wants to know exactly what I got goin’ on down in my netheregions, I ain’t got no problem showin’ him right now! Ulysses, Ernesto, hold this cawcksucka down! He’s about to eat my gawd damn snatch!
Luscious Jackson: Oh good lord!
The crowd goes nuts at the thought of Core being totally stripped of his dignity. Papa Stache holds down Core’s arms while Ulysses grabs his legs. Core tries to shake himself free, but it’s no use. He’s totally prone. Meanwhile, Buff chickenwings Wolf’s arms while Biff holds his face in place, forcing him to watch the spectacle that’s about to take place.
Jayson Price: I know Core is a son of a bitch, but I don’t know if ANYONE deserves this!
Mama stands over Core’s face. She looks around the arena at the 4,500 fans.
Crowd: ¡Si! ¡Si! ¡Si! ¡Si!
Mama puts her hands behind her head and swivels her pelvis a few times before jumping up and sitting on Core’s face, her dirty, disgusting, diseased, rusty old vagina making a direct hit with the center of his face. His body convulses as she shakes from side to side, rubbing her moldy muff burger all over his face. Wolf tries to break free to save Core but to no avail.
Jayson Price: If your kids are watching, avert their eyes!
Luscious Jackson: Forget the kids, I’m going to avert MY eyes!
She mercilessly gets up. Core turns over, hacking, coughing, and dry heaving. The brothers release Wolf, who wastes no time in pulling the Headmaster out of the ring. He starts to walk him up the aisle, but Core has to stop. Core keels over and vomits right there in the middle of the aisle.
Jayson Price: Clean-up on aisle four!
He falls to his knees, but Wolf picks him up over his shoulder and carries him to the back. Before he goes through the curtain, he looks back at the Mustache Family and points.
Wolf: This isn’t over! We’ll see you at The Sixth Dimension, Biff! This isn’t over by a long shot! Get that camera out of my face!
He swats the camera away.
Jayson Price: Let’s see if Bernard Core can even make it to the Sixth Dimension, which, of course, will be airing on the WCF Network! If we see action like this, The Sixth Dimension will be appointment viewing for sure!
Back in the ring, Biff and Buff lift Mama back on their shoulders and parade her around the ring while their theme music begins to play again. Ulysses does the NWO pointing pose while Papa Stache goes back to his classic 80s flexing.
Luscious Jackson: That’s what family is all about...well, except for the incest.
They all leave the ring, walking back up the aisle. When they reach the top, they turn around to face the fans and hold each other’s arms in the air before they go back through the curtain.