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Post by Roger Payton Jr on Jun 10, 2019 0:03:47 GMT -5
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Post by Shadowlove on Jun 10, 2019 2:50:15 GMT -5
All good things come to those whom wait, my friend. lol
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Post by Shadowlove on Jun 10, 2019 16:19:30 GMT -5
This review is like a student trying to critique the teacher. You have Scene Description, Character Development, Shoot, and Flow down to sports science.
It reads like your classic sports underdog story in the since of Roger Payton Jr transitioning from his success in amateur wrestling into his somewhat struggles in professional wrestling.
Even though he trains like a perfect killing machine, an American version of Ivan Drago, he sorta has become somewhat bored with Coach Wilczek training regimens and needs to do something truly meaningful in his life in professional wrestling.
He’s looking for and wants a true challenge that will rival his own athleticism. Could that be with another newcomer in Walter against the wishes of his coach that can cause a possible conflict between the coach and athlete?
You really haven’t missed a beat between Roger Payton Jr and Joseph “Joey Flash” Malignaggi. Roger Payton Jr is another character destined to succeed.
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Post by W A L T E R on Jun 10, 2019 23:25:39 GMT -5
This RP makes your priors look like fuckin sandbagging.
The writing was always sound, description was always good but RPJ wasn't very interesting. That could be your biggest challenge writing a proper white meat baby face I'd say is keeping him interesting. Because he was goddamn boring.
This one, however, deepens and darkens him and made him very interesting.
Use of repetition to build to a climax and also lull the reader for an upcoming twist: nice.
I'll pass along something EK said to me when I asked him to critique mine: there's just a moment or two when old Flash pokes his head through the shoot so be mindful of that but otherwise the shoot was good to great. Always easier to build hype as a face than do proper shoot. Also, I zeroed on the egg thing too...either of our prior selves would've probably formatted the whole RP around that.
Working in the fake texts is classic Chris as well and really adds to the world-building. good stuff.
Excited to see where it goes and watch the relationship with his sister develop/deteriorate.
Fuckin nuthin to add on this one. A-level promo.
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Post by Roger Payton Jr on Jun 10, 2019 23:46:48 GMT -5
Oh you guys. I actually have to put in effort now? The shoot is so fucking hard. Like I keep thinking of so much to say but then it's like Christopher, you are a good guy now. The shoot takes twice as long to write half as much X
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Post by Shadowlove on Jun 11, 2019 0:49:59 GMT -5
Then make your shoot twice as short and write three times as much lol
When did the student become the teacher? lol
Like Ryan said, your voice isn’t Flash now. Will take some time to be more fluid. Same thing with Walter and Singh. Most of the vets know you guys did things. lol
you guys make me nervous I’ve had to edit my answer 3 times, already. lol
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Jun 11, 2019 2:34:22 GMT -5
You already know you have all the tools, so that makes things a lot easier. However, I think the big thing with Roger if you really want to put in effort here and make him great is that you'll need to give his character some legitimacy in terms of his behavior/attitude. Right now, he seems kinda flip-floppy? There's elements of face shoot, and there's elements of heel shoot. If I didn't read your bio but I knew you were handling him, I'd probably think: "Ah, I see what he's going for here. Kinda like a remix on the Joey and Reece arcs. Pieces of shit, kinda. But then they also have redeemable qualities, and doubts/regrets about their actions."
But you're not, or are you? That's probably the thing, just need a real direction with the character and you'll be fine. Maybe you're going for the reverse of what I just mentioned with the other two? That seems where you're going with the whole willing to cheat to win deal, and with the confession he made to his sister.
Speaking on that, build up some more relationships with Roger for sure in your little world. They'll enhance the story and give us a better idea of who Roger actually is, rather than just seeing him train and react to his losses and shoot. It's early days so it's not a big deal.
Besides the criticism... shit was some fire. I had it pegged as my #3 or #4 RP of the week, which is crazy considering it's only what, your 2nd proper RP with the dude?
Also, a lot of this is coming from my own experience with transitioning from Ethan to Ryan, and from other characters I've had in the past. I have a very specific style in terms of shoot and themes I tackle in my RPs, and I also tend to keep my character's circle of friends/family small which can hinder me sometimes. I'm still trying to get rid of that and begin to branch out with my creativity. So it's coming from a place where I'm like... damn I can see some issues here and there, because I'm going through the exact same shit as a writer hahaha.
For real though, glad you've decided to try your hand at this hobby again. I always enjoy your work and am interested to see where you go with this character.
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Jun 11, 2019 2:37:04 GMT -5
Also yeah it feels weird critiquing a guy who I've gone to countless times for advice and stuff, and who I learned a lot from. But yeah, we all here to help each other out and improve as writers, at least that's my main goal for sticking around and continuing to craft stories with all of you. Let's keep this positivity shit going stronngggg
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Post by Shadowlove on Jun 11, 2019 3:14:24 GMT -5
Damn straight, Ryan. Love those podcasts that you guys have done, too.
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Post by Wade Moor on Jun 11, 2019 8:12:18 GMT -5
You’re a natural heel, it just comes easier to most I think. It’s easier to just rip your opponent to shreds. Face shoot offers an interesting challenge because it’s more a balance of “building your opponent larger than life” and still dropping the “this is why I’m going to win”.
A few pointers that might help with face shoot;
- When you’re going through opponent history, focus more on their accomplishments instead of their setbacks
- Sell their gimmick! It might sound like you’re “giving in” to the character, but it will behoove your babyface character more for them to actually believe they’re going up against a “monster” or “anarchist” or whatever the gimmick might be.
- it sucks, but try to keep cursing to a minimal. When you’re a face, it’s always more for the fans. It absolutely cripples face characters when they’re like “god damn it, I don’t cheat but I’m still only fucking in this for me!” Or whatever. This guys supposed to care about all of his peoples, including the kiddos. You can still find a way to make RPJ a badass in the parameters and even make it part of his story. Like a guy who won’t break his “code” for anyone, no matter what.
Still, your promo was awesome and it’s refreshing to see you play a character who isn’t a total boner for once. ❤️
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Post by Roger Payton Jr on Jun 11, 2019 9:32:48 GMT -5
Cheers Ryan and Wade! It's definitely a work in progress. No character comes out of the gates flawlessly as much as I hold myself to that standard.
It's something all writers here establishing new characters need to learn is not to be disheartened if you just can't find the voice yet or get your teeth into what makes them tick. They will grow and develop through the weeks to a point where you're thinking as the character while you write.
Joey was a lucky character because his thoughts (at least shoot wise) were my thoughts turned up to eleven.
Roger has to be Roger and it takes seeing things from their perspective to make it work. The RP I did this morning for the TV match I was actively cutting stuff out and saying to myself 'Would he really say that?' and 'Would he be so mean?'
It's definitely out of my efedding comfort zone but hopefully I can bring you guys a well developed three dimensional person who despite his flaws (and PED use) is a good man!
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Post by Guillotine (QDT) on Jun 11, 2019 11:07:59 GMT -5
Cheers Ryan and Wade! It's definitely a work in progress. No character comes out of the gates flawlessly as much as I hold myself to that standard. It's something all writers here establishing new characters need to learn is not to be disheartened if you just can't find the voice yet or get your teeth into what makes them tick. They will grow and develop through the weeks to a point where you're thinking as the character while you write. Joey was a lucky character because his thoughts (at least shoot wise) were my thoughts turned up to eleven. Roger has to be Roger and it takes seeing things from their perspective to make it work. The RP I did this morning for the TV match I was actively cutting stuff out and saying to myself 'Would he really say that?' and 'Would he be so mean?' It's definitely out of my efedding comfort zone but hopefully I can bring you guys a well developed three dimensional person who despite his flaws (and PED use) is a good man! Quoted for truth. I almost went to a completely different character two or three times after QDT’s debut as things weren’t clicking. Sometimes persistence brings about those satori moments where things just click into place. For what it’s worth, I see Odin’s point about the inconsistency of Payton’s character with the goody goody stance and the sloppy depressed state he can lapse into with the cocksure, venomous shoot style you’re famed for. You probably need to be watchful over this. However, I see it slightly differently in that 1) there’s something compelling about the contradiction and 2) it makes me question which is the real Roger. This is intriguing to me. For example, I had QDT confess to a suicidal girl he felt beaten by Wade already. Then he goes into an Ayahuasca induced state and is suddenly all badass and confident. Which was the truth? Was he just getting Tawny to feel comfortable with him through fake vulnerability? Was the shoot portion just the hallucinogenics talking, the real QDT or just a show to regain status? These are the things I want the reader to consider and I sense you’re doing the same with the paradoxes. Vulnerability (LAYERS in e-wrestling is interesting but we’ve obviously still gotta present a strong front at least somewhere in our roleplays. This can be a tough balancing act. So can being a babyface character as Wade pointed out. Glad you’re here in AW man.
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