Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 5, 2019 16:42:39 GMT -5
ADUB
Evolution 2
TFK
Vs.
Odin Balfore
Wordcount: 3942
____________________________
PART ONE: EVEREST
Top of the world, Mt. Everest.
* You know, right now, Edmond Hillary is rolling over in his grave. Here this guy is, first ever to climb to the top of the world and it blew everyone's mind. Then over the years a few more people went and did the same. Then a few more. Then suddenly in the mid 2010s, a couple of dudes went and made a stable about it. Everest. Yah, ok. Sure. Now the real Mt. Everest is lined with their bodies. Ethan King, Steven Singh. Scrappy Doo, Ziggy and I think there was a Harpo- if not then there should be.
Fast forward to now, to 2019. Now there's a ticket line. Now you gotta spend 70 grand to get a ticket to stand in line and pray that you don’t die before you reach the top. Finally, Mountaineering has caught up to the great sport or Professional Wrestling. Our boi, Odin Balfore stands in the middle of this line.
Bare chest. Oakleys. Cargo shorts. Zinc on his nose, Ricky Flippys on his feet: sandals made out of the skin of many jobbers that the All Father has killed over the years. The All Father slurps on a pina colada while smoking a blunt and list’ning to that Rosta Gud Gud.
We swoop around in a chopper with that arial view as James Cameron ( yes, that James Cameron ) films from the sky. James Cameron zooms in on this mass of humanity before focusing on The All Father. Odin looks up, tokes his biz’unt and starts going in on it. *
THE ALL FATHER:
“ Oh shit, here we are and we are LIVE from the top of the world, the mothering fucking throat of it all gettin ready to get THICK with it and choke out these pleb mother fuckers. Now I know what ya’ll be thinkin. I know what TFK be spillin from those pickle lickin’ lips of his. ‘ Ol’ dirty, what chu be doin at the top of the world in cargo shorts? What you think you on vacation or sumptin?’
Exactly. Men are freezing up here. Men are suffocating up here. Getting toes and noses cut from their bodies up here. Men are dying up here all for the price of glory and the All Father is on vay- fucking- cation. I’ve been here before TFK and funny, I ain’t never seen no mother fuckers named Thaddeus ‘ gettin thick stuck by Balfore’ King in that Nepalese register that you gotta sign when complete the journey. Its cuz you aint never completed this journey. You Aint never went on that three hour tour. But aint been around when the weather got rough. You aint never got your tiny ship tossed. But you about too. You aint never had to clap two coconutz together because you were stranded in the middle of that ring, son, with nowhere to go. Tryin to make smoke signals with your pussy farts.
SOS. They hear you shoutin
SOS. They hear you cryin.
SOS. They hear you callin.
You know you in a badman place, now. You’re not safe. You been runnin but you aint goin nowhere. Its a shame. You’ll lose your life - and you’ll still be in the middle of the ring, tryin to make hawt fire out of coconut creme and your salty fuckin tears.
You never had to work for it. You never had to bleed for it. You like all the rest of these people thought you could just shell out 70 K in chump change and watch some goon bag carry your shit up a mountain while you complain about the Final Episode of Game of Thrones on your Satellite phone.
* The All Father Laughs and eats from a bowl of cereal. *
BAH, you stupid bitch. Funny thing about that is that its all going to change at Evolution TWO. You are going to get rocked by a guy that eats cereal at the top of the world and surely you think to yourself that he and this man that stands before you are not one in the same, that surely this must be some kind of trick.
* The All Father shakes his head. *
Nah, this aint no trick. This is real life. I am the Gun Slinger, The MAD TITAN, the God of Sinners, The Se7en God, The All Father, The Bad Mother Fucker. I am all of those things. I’m as THICK outside the ring as I am serious on the inside. Don’t worry, you can lull yourself into a false sense of security- that’ll make it easier for you to accept your fate. After all, who am I but Odin Balfore and who are you except just another name in my long list of conquests. Take comfort that you are not the first or last body to die on this mountain in effort to defeat me and make yourself famous. Hell, Alex Richards and Noble Savage beat me once and apparently that's enough to fight for Tortures spot in the WCF Hall of Fame.
That's how important I am to this industry; a small victory over me one time in another promotion is enough to make YOUR boss give up his Hall of Fame spot in that very same promotion. Do you honestly think anyone climbs this mountain on their own? You think they climb it without me allowing it? Noble Savage and Alex Richards both had success because I allowed it. Hell, Alex Richards even named a finish after me. But you keep telling yourself that you’re important.
Even though: You challenged me. I didnt challenge you. I don’t need to beat TFK to be the best in the world when I stand atop it. You’re just like everyone else in this line, trying not to die before they call your number so you can briefly stand at the top for three seconds.
* Odin pulls out a ticket that really just an expired Burger King Coupon *
Do you want my ticket?
* Odin smiles and flicks it off to the wind. *
TFK, while you’re out there directing films, you should go out and direct yourself a fucking clue. You want to come here and hot shot yourself to be one of the biggest stars in AW and yet you and I both that you’re going to fail. You have yet to step in the ring with me, all you know of me are stories and legends. You can watch all the film you want on me and laugh that I’m old but you have to realize two things:
1. I’ve been ‘ old’ for 20 years.
2. I’ve wrestled my best matches over this past year.
And truthfully, I’ve seen your last match; you cannot say the same.
But then again, Thaddy - its all about the climb and I would say that Id see you at the top but we both know that you’ll never get there. So while you’re standing here in line waiting to die, heres a little music for your listening pleasure. Don’t want you Millennial fuccbois to say that I’m holding you down or that I didnt do anythin for ya.
Ya’ll do that good enough on your own.
PART TWO: Cinnabon and Dream
* TFK just fuckin died. Miley fuggin Cyrus? LMAO Ol’ dirty just threw in his side piece like this was a popeyes two piece. Like, Tadd, I know that you know that you said that you wanted Ol’ Dirty, but just add a little Morgan Freeman narration to your life because its at this moment that you knew, you fugged up. You didnt know what you were getting yourself into and I’m sure that someone along the way told you but you were like
‘ shut up, monkey!’ OK, Perro
LMAO
Christ, Thaddeus, just take the fuckin L and call it a day. Even the ethereal scene narration is dunking on you. How fucking pathetic do you have to be? Pathetic enough to know that you NEED The All Father to jump start your career like the heart attack. You gone need the jaws of life to rescue you from your own life; now that's some real talk.
We got James Cameron filming the All Father as he walks through the tunnel, having just got off the plane at Tampa International. He’s dressed in slacks and a blazer with his side piece Miley Cyrus walking next to him; each with their rolling suitcases in toe. Miley starts to whistle “The Climb” as Odin whistles “Ready or Not” by the Fugees; his alternate entrance song. Their shoulders swing with that big dick energy. They enter the airport terminal as Jenna B with ADUB schuffle-shuffles over with them perky tit-tays bouncin. They know, even if she don’t. *
* Spoilers: She knows. *
JENNA B:
“ Odin, Odin. Jenna B from Action Wrestling. We’ve been waiting for you to land. How does it feel to be in Action Wrestling, making your singles match debut? “
THE ALL FATHER:
“ This is just me picking up where I left off. Where the fuck does the world think I been? I’ve been wrestling for the past year and now with WCF gone, my bruddah Tort calls me up on the phone. I get texts from Gravy. Spencer Adams sending Ravens to the aviary. I got scrolls written in blood from that guy: ‘ hey Odin, come to AW.’ And I thought about it and I thought about it and I wasnt going to but I saw talent; a lot of talent. I saw a lot of talent but no superstars - barring Wade Moor. I want all of these cornballs to know right now that I’m not here to wrestle every week on Clash. I’m above that. My pay is above that. I’m a special attraction. I put asses in the seats that you fuccbois cant. I know Lockheart thinks that he has no problem selling front row seats. Good for him. I fill VIP skyboxes with the velvet black rooms and champagne. I’m the big money name. Action Wrestling is just a squiggle crayon on the floor for me step on. TFK isnt just fighting for his career; he’s fighting for the company and on Sunday, he and ADUB will lose. “
JENNA B, with them tit-tays:
“ Excuse me but you don’t think past champions Roy Speede and D-Day are champions?”
* Odin handles that question soundly. Swiftly and rather bluntly. *
THE ALL FATHER:
“ No.”
JENNA B, with that supple sickness swelling:
“ And TFK? Thoughts on him?”
THE ALL FATHER:
“ TFK is a straight up banana bafoon. I know what he wants - he wants to be famous. He just doesnt know WHY he wants it or what sacrifices I’m going to force him to make to attain it. You saw me with my big THICK energy, swinging those shoulders getting off that plane. TFK lookin on from beyond those Sling TV radio waves in sadness as he checks the peckah for death dealing damage.
Sorry kid but ya chicks in another castle: LyfeFort.
TFKs not gonna act like hes the first guy to challenge me and I’m not gonna act like he’s not the first guy that I’ve handled. Make no mistake about it, TFK is going to get these clobbering paws upside his face then he’s going to get Ragnarok’d the fuck out of his boots.”
JENNA B, with the jackrabbit set to S T U N :
“ Arnt you worried about what he brings to the fight?”
THE ALL FATHER:
“ The longest reigning US Champion brings next to nothing to a fight with Odin Balfore “
JENNA B, with the G-spot in another dimension:
“ Well, he has a lot of high profiled moves. “
THE ALL FATHER:
“ indeed. A roll up into a Boston crab and a cocky pin. Stop, I’m getting a chubby. “
JENNA B, seeing GOD at this point:
“ He’s got the directors cut; its dangerous.”
THE ALL FATHER:
“ I knee into a STO, into a ddt. Sounds like a ddt but with extra steps. Then hes got the high knee. Dudes gonna need a twenty foot ladder just to hit me in the chest with that thing. See, his moves are a DDT and a cocky pin. These arnt finishing moves. These arnt end of match kind of moves that's going to put me away. These are moves I do to Miley after I get done pounding her tuna for 78 hours straight to wake her ass up to go make me a sammich.”
MILEY CYRUS:
“ Mmmhmpp, its true.”
THE ALL FATHER:
“ Those are moves I’m going to do to TFK to wake him up from queer street then he can go make a biography on what its like to lose clean to Odin Balfore in the biggest match of TFKs sad, little life. I mean, aint that a fucking true fact or what? TFK, the longest reigning US Champ about to lose the biggest match of his career against The All Father. So whats this really about, Jenna? I’m just at home, Mileys riding space mountain and home boy wants to get his lips smacked to the other side of face? Yah, I’m cool with that. He wants to jump start his career and I’m going to finish it. Evolution is coming. The All Father is coming and Ragnarok is in his wake. “
* The All Father looks around, sees a Cinnabon stall and decides that's more important that TFK. *
“ Do you want a cinnabon? All Father wants a cinnabon. Walk with me Jenna B with the Cervix Tickler. We’ll talk about TFK and all the ways that he’s done goofed. “
* They walk over to the Cinnabon as Miley Cyrus orders for them while Odin continues talking. *
“ You mention that DDT as if I should be worried about it. Look around you Jenna B, everyone does a DDT. No one uses a DDT as a finish because it isnt one. I’m supposed to sweat a running knee from a man that comes up to my knee? I’m supposed to sweat a ddt from a man that puts too much emphasis on the flash and sizzle? Nah, The All Father aint about that.
Surtrs Revenge
The Mark of Odin
Ragnarok
These are match ending moves that once I hit them, its game over; good night - especially Ragnarok. Nobody kicks out of Ragnarok and little TFK, low energy TFK, will not be kicking out of it. He will not get up from it. So you go compare his DDT to my twelve foot drop powerbomb or my twelve foot drop choke breaker. I know that TFK thinks hes the evolution of aye-dub but evolution is a funny thing. Sometimes it creates Apex predators, Apex Alphas. Sometimes in wrestling, you gets Gods like me. Me beating TFK at Evolution is just to show all of Aye Dub that this Apex Alpha, the All Father is still a Bad Mother Fucker. “
JENNA B, with the clappin booty cheeks:
“ So then, you’re tellin TFK to be afraid?”
THE ALL FATHER:
“ Hey, I’ve been telling him to be afraid because this badman, him have bad news for you today. Its a shame.”
MILEY CYRUS:
“ Whats a shame?”
THE ALL FATHER:
“ TFK gone lose his life.”
* Miley starts twerkin and shakin her hips. *
THE ALL FATHER:
“ And TFK is out of time. Jenna, TFK is going to realize that while he may have been a great US Champion, he doesnt have what it takes to be a great world champion - to be a level opponent for the All Father. He is better awf selling pancakes on the side of the road and dancing for my pocket change. He’s a director, so that's well in his wheel house. TFK should stick to what he does best because it sure as hell aint what I do best. “
JENNA B, with the epileptic orgasms:
“ And what do you do best?”
* Miley Interrupts. *
MILEY CYRUS:
“ Blowin this back out! WOOOOO!!! “
* Ric Flair is in the background, smiling, nodding, and holding up that horseman salute. *
* Odin looks down, flashes a smile then glares and speaks straight forwardly. *
THE ALL FATHER:
“ I. KILL. PEOPLE. “
* The All Father turns and walks away from Jenna with his luggage behind him. Miley follows along with hers while continuing to bop and twerk and act like the stank hoe that we all love. *
PART THREE: A Feast for Fools
Action Wrestling, is this what you wanted? You wanted me here. Now. in the flesh. Killing your, ahem:
BEZZ ENN DEE WHHURRLLDD
What world? Whos world? Not My world. Not Odin Balfores world. Not the world of professional Wrestling. The best director in the world is also the best wrestler in the world?
Master of not one but two professions? One of those professions takes time, patience, understanding and appreciation of its history.
The other is film making.
One takes years of training to understand the subtlety and nuances of entertaining a live crowd. The other some ten year old on youtube can teach you.
Cant wait to look up the latest directorial trends with BluntSkkkopez420XXX. Right? Adobe after effects, Minecraft, Fortnight, the Mo-mo challenge and the latest directorial tips. TFK is over there furiously taking notes on how to add a snap chat filter to his latest master piece of plastic bag floating down the Potomac River.
But lets not get too far so fast. One step at a time. I’m ultra interested in this fictitious falsehood that the best director in the world takes the long hours - long drives - life long impact that it takes. TFK who ever trained you never gave you the full story. They never told you how one day you’re going to hobble to go take a piss. How your knees will grind against each other. How your spines going to be fused together. When you’re made up of pins and plates , elastic bands and pig parts. They don’t tell you that when you sign the contract and hand over that three grand.
Here, you said, as you slipped Dan Dangers ( the 2799th ranked wrestler in America in 1982 ) his three grand. Make me a superstar, you said. Paint me like one of your french girls, you said. Show me how to be a Ricky Flippy faggot. And your eyes were wide and yet still shut. You didn’t care that the ceiling was 10 foot tall. That when you moon saulted off the top rope that your legs would buckle and crack against the fire suppression pipes. And you ran the sagging ropes and did back bumps, one after the other. You and fifteen others, guys that range from the QDT types to my failure of a son, Thor Balfore - the fat one, not the Atlantean one.
OR
You paid 50 grand to go to some private gym where the BEST IN THE WORLD trained you on all the latest equipment and they took care of you and spared with headgear and took pillow bumps and ate ice cream.
My point, TFK is that you are either a fool or a great fool.
Either you’ve been lied too or you’re lying to me.
Either you bled and cried, and ate peanut butter sandwiches till you died or you didn’t.
Wrestlers don’t eat caviar, beef wellington and boiled goose. That's what I never understood about your type, TFK. You’re rich, why are you slumming it up in a career where 98 percent are orphaned psychopaths raised by killer clown freaks in face paint? You must just have a hidden blood lust.
You must like swimming with dolphins too.
My point, TFK is that your ilk, the rich guys, you blue bloods aint never had to work for it the same way everyone else had to work for it. You think anyone here would keep doing this if they had any other option? Getting hit with steel chairs, crashing through tables and falling off steel cage roofs is a last ditch effort in the scheme of making money.
You can ask why I’m still doing this. Simple. Old habits die hard.
Old habits like you die hard too but trust me when I tell you that you will die.
You may have an eye for imagery but you don’t have an eye for reality.
The reality of pro wrestling isnt a million dollar contract, tour busses and McMansions. Its a beat up Ford escort that you and three grown men pile into and drive across the country to wrestle in a school and nursing your wounds with a six pack and a 8-ball until you can graduate to civic centers and hockey rinks then stadiums.
The imagery is that you’re involved with this high profiled company when the reality is that you never earned it. You never worked for it. You never wired your jaw shut with ten pound bank line and a fish hook complete with dried worm guts while your buddy drives down I-95.
The imagery is that you’re this important big deal.
The imagery is that you got this in the bag.
The reality is that you never met me.
The reality is that I’m the biggest star in this - or any wrestling company anywhere in the world
The reality is that when you step in the ring with me at Evolution, I’m going to make you earn back, say, twenty years of you skipping out on your dues. You wanted to dance and now its time to pay the band. Except this band breaks your back at the end.
It’ll kinda be like the Red Wedding but with spandex. Everyone in the audience - your mother - your father - your family - everyone - crying because the self proclaimed ‘king’ has died. Killed by the hands of the All Father, The Mad Titan, The God of Sinners, The BAD MOTHER FUCKER.
I’ll tell you right now, that in the end, after this is all said and done, it is never worth it. You won’t gain any ‘cool points’ with the crowd. You won’t win favor backstage. No one else in ADUB is going to look at you in a better light. You’re just a foolish, cocky son of a bitch and at Evolution I’m going to put you down for good. Everyone and their retarded brother wants to make a name off me. I’m so good, my shadow tries to shank me in my sleep. You on the other hand, you’re just tries to smother you with a pillow to put it and yourself out of your collective misery. And by gawd, does misery love company. I used to say that a lot too; that people would be walking in my shadow; turns out that its still true. So as you lay there dying in the middle of the ring, murdered by a shadow of the Maverick Elite ( OMG guy, get dunked on by a 20 year throwback ) with the face of Odin Balfore -
Remember TFK:
Pray if you have to.
Beg if you must
But know that I will not be listening.