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Post by Daniel Westbrook on May 9, 2019 22:49:24 GMT -5
This is a completely new character for me so I'd appreciate it if I could get feedback on the debut rp for him.
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Post by Dandy DiVito on May 10, 2019 13:02:07 GMT -5
Debuts are tough. Trying to introduce your character without just bludgeoning us over the head with who they are is a unique challenge. I think yours hits the mark here, but it's not without things you can improve upon in future RPs.
There are a few moments in this RP where the English teacher side of me wants to tell you to show, not tell, but the challenge of a debut means it's sometimes necessary to just straight up state who your character is (especially in the Cruiser Division since the word limits make "get to the point" writing much more necessary). There are moments where I feel like you're over-doing the telling.
To offset that constructive criticism with a compliment, the place where you do a good job of showing is in establishing the setting and details provided about where we are. Just by knowing this expansive library exists in his house and that he's rocking mahogany tables and all that, I know the dude is rich and probably a snobby douche. By establishing that with visual and interpersonal indicators, it's not necessary to then dive in and have DW say that he's a rich, snobby douche. When you establish that by showing us it's true and then immediately turn around and have him confirm all of that by exposition, it makes it feel like you're not confident in the fact that you just showed us who he is when you ABSOLUTELY should be 100% confident that we are concluding he's a dick just by the setting and how he'll talk to us about others.
I think the gif of Adam Cole is a smart move, too. It doesn't count against your word count, and I'll be goddamned if I don't have a better feel for the setting by literally seeing it... It might be a bit of a "cheat" (more of a word count hack really) in that sense, but damn... you've only got 700 words to work with, so you have to make them count in creative ways.
All in all, I feel like following this debut, I have a good feel for who you're portraying here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you can accomplish with him.
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Post by Derrick Vayden on May 10, 2019 13:43:20 GMT -5
Personally, I loved your debut. Even down to the font you used portrays the regality of this guy. I love description, I love being able to visualize the scene I’m reading from and I think you did that really well. And like Dandy said, the gif was a nice touch. A visual aide always helps.
One thing I did notice, though, was the shoot. Now, everyone here will tell you that you don’t necessarily need a powerful shoot, but it does help. That’s a problem with the 700 cap I have. You kinda need to sacrifice one or the other (shoot or description) in order to fit under the cap. You just need to find a healthy balance between the two.
I really think you’ll do well here. I can’t wait to see what else you got!
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Trapson
Professional Wrestler
Posts: 81
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Post by Trapson on May 10, 2019 17:17:45 GMT -5
No criticisms here.
You nailed it fam.
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