Dandy's ABC's of Action Wrestling
Apr 17, 2019 13:32:16 GMT -5
Jordan, Roy Speede, and 4 more like this
Post by Dandy DiVito on Apr 17, 2019 13:32:16 GMT -5
The scene opens with Dandy DiVito laying in bed with his Tinder hookup Yazmin. The pair is clearly nude, but the bed sheet covers each of them suggestively. DD takes a long drag off of a cigarette.
Dandy: Damn, honey. You good. You real, real good.
Yazmin: I know, Champ. I was there, too.
A wide smile spread across each of their faces as DD takes another deep drag off his cigarette.
Yazmin: You know that’s a terrible idea, right?
Dandy: What?
Yazmin: Smoking.
Dandy: You one’a them smokin’-gives-ya-cancer types?
Yazmin: I mean, yes, but right now, I’m one of those you-were-just-told-you-have-to-enter-a-50-plus-man-Rumble-at-the-number-one-slot-so-cardiovascular-health-is-important types.
Dandy: Man, I ain’ gotta go changin’ ma life jus’ ‘cause Torture don’ know how ta walk in no fuggin’ hallway an’ gets pissy when I won’ bow to ‘im like some kinda god. He made me Numba 1 like it was some sorta punishment. Joke’s on tha’ mothafucka though, I wanted ta be Numba 1! I got shit ta prove! I don’ think ‘nough a’ them heavy hitters quite takin’ me serious ‘nough. They don’ undastand the threat Dandy DiVito be posin’ ta they place at tha top a’ tha mountain. If I’m in at Numba 1, I getta go toe-ta-toe wit’ every damn one a’ them mothafuckas. Face-ta-face wit’ every person on tha’ AW rosta! I getta look each one a’ them fucks in tha eye righ’ befo’ I pop ‘em in tha jaw an’ toss ‘em ova them ropes. Fuck. Tort thinkin’ he getting one ova on Dandy DiVito? Nah, son. Tort jus’ rewardin’ me fo’ hard fuckin’ work an’ jus’ don’ know it.
Yazmin: Probably still not smart to smoke with such a high stakes, marathon performance coming up. Feels like hubris is going to bite you in the ass. You don’t want to be blown up 5 minutes in.
Dandy: Nobody named Hugh goin’ nowhere near my ass, babydoll.
Yazmin: *sigh* You’re cute when you’re stupid, you know that?
Dandy: What?
Yazmin laughs.
Wade Moor, you a undisputed fuckin’ legend in this comp’ny. Mothafucka’s done it all: World Champ, Havok Rumble winna, Tag Champ, an’ Wrestla of tha year. Tha’s a fuggin’ man’s resumé righ’ there. But - an’ tha’s a but bigga than anything on a Kardashian - ya done mosta tha’ befo’ Dandy DiVito showed up in this bitch. Tha’ means ya done all ya done wit’out havin’ ta go through me! You look at my bonafides. Seriously, look at ‘em. I won my firs’ belt in this place in my THIRD MATCH! I impressed folks in dat fron’ office ‘nough ta get a shot at tha champ in less a fuggin’ month. Between tha day I made it official tha’ Dandy DiVito was the newest supastar in Action Wrestlin’ an’ the day a’ Havok, I been here 218 days. I been slingin’ this strap ‘roun’ ma waist fo’ literally 75 percent a’ tha time I been in this locker room, Wade. All a’ tha’s on yo’ watch. Ya coulda tried ta come smack me down, put ol’ DD in his place, or jus’ make sure tha worl’ knew there ain’ no up an’ comers tha’ can challenge tha king’s crown, but nah. You turned tail and played wit’ yo’self, Wade. Ya spent yo’ whole las’ six months bein’ outta tha’ big picture an’ contentin’ yo’self wit’ not challengin’ Lockhart fo’ tha big gold. Yo’ out here playin’ fuck fuck wit’ some tag belts ya can’t even hol’ on to! M’fucka, you let BEAU BLAZE dethrone yo’ ass! Tha fuck? That ain’t no Leviathan move, son. That ain’ no Godnilla move. Wade, tha’s a bitch move. I think you ‘fraid, Wade. You ‘friad a’ losin’ them #Beachkrew pals, an’ you ‘fraid a’ findin’ out ya ain’ tha’ king no mo’. I mean, hell, if ya ain’ even tha king a’ BK, ya sure as shit ain’ tha king a’ AW. Wade, I wanna make sure ya know one real ‘portant thang: I ain’ afraid a’ shit! I respec’ Lockhart. Sure. He been a good champ. He been one hell of a kind. But as yo’ ass certainly knows betta than mos’, kings die and crowns pass on ta tha nex’ in line. Tha nex’ in line fo’ Lockhart’s crown ain’ you, Wade. Ya had yo’ mediocre run. Sorry, brotha. Nex’ in line is Dandy DiVito. An’ if tha king don’ wan’ give up tha’ crown, I’ma be forced ta take his whole fuggin’ head. Which I know damn well you ain’ capable… Nah. You capable. You just ain’ willing ta do tha’ ya own damn self.
Dandy is seated at a beaten up old desk while Yazmin continues to lounge in the bed. Dandy is hard at work on something in a notebook.
Yazmin: What are you working on?
Dandy: Jus’ a work thin’.
Yazmin: You write for work?
Dandy: Sometimes.
Yazmin: What… what hell could you possibly write about for wrestling?
Dandy: I’m makin’ a book.
Yazmin: Isn’t it a little early in your career to be writing your memoirs?
Dandy: It ain’ no memoir.
Yazmin: Are you being vague on purpose or…
Dandy: I don’ really wan’ talk ‘bout it yet. I need some time ta work on it, an’ I’ll show ya. Promise.
Yazmin: Uh, ok.
Yazmin grabs the TV remote and turns on the enormous television in the bedroom. She’s aimlessly flipping channels until she finds news coverage of the Notre Dame fire in Paris.
Yazmin: Wooooooooooooow! That’s…
DD looks up from the desk and cranes his neck around to the tv. He is surprised by the incredible fire overwhelming the building.
Yazmin: ...AWESOME!
DD laughs to himself.
Yazmin: What? Look at how goddamn cool that fire looks!
DD looks again and nods reflecting his agreement.
Dandy: Yeah. Tha’ looks cool fo’ sure. I fuckin’ love fire.
Yazmin: Me too!
Dandy: Anotha thing we got in common. Fug, gurl. We bes’ be careful a’ this fuckin’ we doin’ gonna go somewhere!
Yazmin: …
Dandy panics a bit, thinking he’s freaked Yazmin out.
Dandy: Uh, sorry.
Yazmin: No. Don’t be sorry. You’re not wrong.
Dandy: I ain’t?
Yazmin: It’s only been a week, so let’s not put the cart before the horse, but this… feels… like it’s going to work.
Dandy: Yeah?
Yazmin: Yeah.
DD laughs out loud.
Yazmin: What?
Dandy: GAY!
DD laughs riotously. Yazmin smiles.
Yazmin: Jackass.
DD continues smiling as he turns back to the desk and returns to work. He makes a few pen strokes on the page, and turns back to Yazmin, holding up the notebook. The page shows an awful drawing of a stick person that appears to be DD himself, a large G in the top corner of the page, and the sentence “G is for GO DANDY!”
She smiles at his pride in such a shitty drawing.
Yazmin: Cute.
NvL, my man. I gotta hand it to ya: yo’ methods, as effective as they can be, man, well, they jus’ oughta make ya turn red wit’ embarrassment. Wait… Is that wha’ tha fuck is up wit’ yo’ hand?! Shit, I didn’ put tha’ together until now. Goddamn tha’s embarassin’ in and of itself, ya know? Lemme level wit’chu, Red… Until recently, I ain’ neva heard a’ ya. I mean, fug, where’d Digger fin’ ya in the firs’ place? Yeah, sure. You some ol’ hold ova from WCF or UCI and y’all crossed paths back when, but what would ever inspire tha man ta dig yo’ dusty ass up fo’ protection?! Coulda had ol’ Dandy DiVito if he’d jus’ ask nice, but I guess e’ery man’s got his own brand a’ boner fuel and Ol’ Digger’s got a some sort of fantasy ‘bout all them things a tha’ could happen when his peepee gets caught red handed. Look, man, I ain’ jus’ here to giggle atcha an’ say you gay. Hones’ly, I ain’ got nothin’ ‘gainst gay fellas. Them boys can S them Ds in peace. Whateva. I just wanna communicate how damn funny it look from here ta see you ask how high, Master Digger?! when tha’ mo’fucka tells ya ta jump. Now I get it, ya like bein’ a fuckin’ mad man who jus’ beats the everlovin’ fuck outta anybody fo’ seemin’ly no reason. You a man afta my own heart there, son, trus’ me, but I ain’ neva gonna be able ta understan’ how someone who seem so… independent... could allow hisself ta be tied ta one man, one comp’ny, one contrac’. I jus’ don’ undastand how ya could let yo’self be put on that leash, Neville. But, look, brotha, unemployment’s a bitch, an’ I get tha’ we all do thangs we ain’ proud a’. Your thang jus’ happens ta be playin’ Lamp Genie fo’ some ol’ man who can’t just do the dirty work himself no mo’. Leas’ it ain’ no Pretty Woman scenario where Digger tryin’ ta make this prostitute a wholesome li’l lady he can parade ‘bout town. Nah, Neville. Only thing you got in common wit’ ol’ Pretty Woman is tha’ ya got a firm rule ‘gains’ mouth kisses an’ ya’ ain’ givin’ up tha butt wit’out an ex’ra zero on that paycheck, son. I can’t wait ta smack da shit outta ya until yo’ lef’ han’ an’ tha res’ a’ yo’ whole damn body match yo’ righ’ han’.
DD and Yazmin have finally gotten dressed and left the house. They are seated in a little cafe restaurant grabbing a bite. We join them mid-conversation.
Yazmin: But it was The Final Match, why do you keep antagonizing Kidsgrove when you could just move on to bigger and better things?
Dandy: Man, you only askin’ me tha’ ‘cause you ain’ neva hit tha’ man in the face befo’. There’s something ‘bout poppin’ Sammy righ’ in tha dome tha’ll jus’ light yo’ heart right up, put a smile on yo’ face an’ a pep in yo’ step, babygurl. It’s like smackin’ tha shit outta a piñata, ya know? I jus’ keep hittin’ ‘im an’ hittin’ ‘im, and whether they ever be no candy come out, I’m havin’ a hell of a fun time smackin’ tha shit outta ‘im. An’ wha’s tha harm anyway? Mo’fucka can’t do nothin’ ‘bout it. Even though Camila was real clear ‘bout sayin’ they ain’ gon’ be another Sammy v Dandy match up, Sammy got his sights set on it. He’s droolin’ like a fuggin’ dog ova tha idea tha’ he gon’ get his hands on me an’ this US Title again. Tha’s why tha fuggin’ dummy didn’ try ta cost ma ass tha belt ‘gainst Kennedy las’ week. Bes’ I can figure, he don’ wanna jus’ be US Champ, he wanna take tha belt from Dandy. Soooooooooooo I’m takin’ it ta Ol’ Kiddy ta be mo’ than a bit of a dick, but I’m also crawlin’ inta his head an’ livin’ there.
Yazmin: Doesn’t being Number 1 in the Rumble kind of fuck up your whole “I never have to face him again, so I might as well poke the bear” thing? I mean, you said it yourself, if you want to win the Rumble, you’re going to have to face off against every single entrant in the damn match. That’ll include Kidsgrove…
Dandy: Yeah, sure. I get dat, an’ I’ll be real: I ain’ excited ‘bout it, but I ain’ gon’ lose my head ova it neitha. I don’ care if Kiddy come out numba 2 a’ numba 42, I’ma go ta war wit’ ‘im. Tha last match was The Final Match wit’ the two a’ us, but if I can’t toss tha’ sumbitch ova them ropes ta earn ma shot at Lockhart, I prolly don’ deserve ta have a shot at Lockhart. I mean, shit, ]if I can’t beat fuggin’ Kidsgrove, I ain’ got a ice cube’s chance in hell at walkin’ outta a match wit’ Lockhart, the fuggin’ GOAT, as anythin’ but anotha successful title defense for tha man.
Yazmin: I don’t know that I’d go that far.
Dandy: Whachu mean?
Yazmin: I think you’re underestimating Kidsgrove. He’s more than good enough to be the World Champ in Action Wrestling.
Dandy: Psh, fug tha’.
Yazmin: You think you have what it takes, right, Dandy?
Dandy: Fug yeah!
Yazmin: And Kidsgrove has beaten you clean before, right?
Dandy: …
Yazmin: Exactly. If you have what it takes to be champ - and believe me, I know you do - then by all logic, Sam does, too.
Dandy: But I’m betta.
Yazmin: I never said you weren’t. I’m just saying I think this blood feud is getting in the way of your objective evaluation of Kidsgrove.
Dandy: Maybe. Maybe not. Regar’less, fuck Sam Kidsgrove ta death wit’ a chainsaw!
A waitress brings food to the table and both DD and Yazmin look up to meet her gaze.
Waitress: Y’all need anything else?
Yazmin: Nope. This is great. Thank you though!
DD nods as the waitress smiles and leaves them to their meal.
Casey Holliday, the winningest champ in tha history a’ tha company. All tha’s good an’ all, but lady, I jus’ gotta wonda… given tha’ ya spendin’ so much time braggin’ ‘bout yo’ 245 days a’ carryin’ ‘roun’ the metaphorical piece a’ shit that was the UCI title, would do tha same if ya carried ‘roun’ a literal piece a’ shit fo’ tha’ long, too? Ain’ nobody give a damn ‘bout UCI. Hones’ly, I don’ even know what the fuck them letters stand fo’ no mo’. How tha’ fug can somet’in’ matter when what it represen’s is long dead an’ forgotten?! Let’s not beat ‘roun’ tha bush here, Casey, what I’m sayin’ to ya here is simple: let us know when ya do somet’in’ tha’ matters, ya irrelevant fuckin’ charisma black hole. I mean, shit, how tha fug can ya’ expect anyone ta look at this “streak” as anything but a couple of good, lucky wins snuck into a pile a’ garbage stacked so high A&E’s Hoarder folks wouldn’t touch it. Ya beat Bishop three times. Ya beat Nash three times. Ya beat Anton twice. Casey, baby, tha’ ain’ a streak a’ defenses, that’s a streak a’ puppies ya’ kicked. You a paper champ. You da queen a’ shit. Sure, wins ova Pasta an’ Richards an’ ZMAC… them’s some wins that matta. Yeah. I’ll give it to ya’. But those matches are jus’ chunks a’ corn in the turd tha’ is yo’ career in Action Wrestlin’. Now tha’ ya ain’ got a dead comp’ny ta defend tha’ legacy a’, ya gonna have ta start lookin’ at tha present an’ thinkin’ ‘bout tha future. Unfortunately fo’ you, I am tha future, an’ tha futura ‘bout ta smack ya in da mouth. I hope ya enjoy swallowin’ teeth, baby.
DD and Yazmin walk in the door of DD’s house. Yazmin comfortably throws herself on to the couch.
Yazmin: Do you want to show me what you’ve been writing?
DD thinks for a bit before nodding.
Dandy: Yeah, I guess.
DD wanders off to grab his notebook. When he returns, he takes a seat next to Yazmin and she puts her legs over his lap as he opens to the first page that reads:
DANDY'S ABCs OF ACTION WRESTLING
Yazmin smiles and DD turns the page and reads the book to her.
Dandy: A is for Spencer Adams. He can’t seal tha deal on his own. B is for Beau Blaze who sucks on ZMAC’s titty and Bobby Rage who is only good when he blindsides opponents. C is for Casey Holliday who is Ambien come to life. D is for Dandy DiVito who is tha bes’ wrestla in tha company! E is for Estrella who couldn’t overestimate how interesting she is more if she tried. F is for TFK who’s rustier than the Titanic. G is for GO DANDY! H is for Hippo who’s back an’ hopefully no’ makin’ any sequels to Song a’ tha South. I is for I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO ENTERS THA RUMBLE, IT’S DANDY’S! J is for Jaice who just can’t win the big one and Jared Holmes who’s afraid a’ tha ring. K is for Kennedy who… lol, nah! And fo’ Kyle Kemp who has disappeared worse than Magic. L is for Lincoln who can’t decide who he’ll be and fo’ Lissie the Lezzie who wilts in the spotlight. M is fo’ Metal Witch Claire who jus’ can’t beat Dandy no matta how hard she try. N is for Karlie Nash who pouts like a child and fo’ the madman Neville who best hope Gravedigga don’t get sick a’ ‘im. O is for Hazel Overton who gets handed her prizes. P is for Pasternak who’s got a spine like cooked linguine. Q is for QDT who ain’ neva played wit’ tha big boys. R is fo’ Alex Richards who’s title run just ran a proud, strong comp’ny straight into tha groun’. S is for Sam Kidsgrove who’s a dog chasin’ cars and fo’ Shadowlove who jus’ talks too much wit’out backin’ it up. T is for Titan Jax who is just a big bum. U is for U DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW LOW DANDY’S D SWINGS! V is for VERY NICE TO SEE DANDY AS CHAMP! W is for Wade who we don’t want Moor of. X is for Wrestler X who, I guess, is a thing…? Y is for Y Y’ALL EVEN BOTHER SHOWIN’ UP FO’ HAVOC?! And Z is for ZMAC who gonna see which one’ll win between immortality an’ a drug overdose.
Yazmin sports a wide smile as she begins to giggle. DD gets a bit self-conscious.
Dandy: You hate it?
Yazmin: NO! I love it!
Dandy: I wan’ ya ta be there.
Yazmin: Really?
Dandy: Ya. I ain’ askin’ ya to be ringside a’ walk me ta tha ring a’ nothin’. I jus’ wan’ ya there ta see tha biggest moment a’ my career, my life! Will… will ya come wit’ me?
Yazmin: I… I want to, but I don’t know if I can.
Dandy: Oh… yeah… I get it. I get it. Short notice an’ all.
Yazmin: You know what? Fuck it. I’ve got vacation days. I’ll just take them and go. I want to be at that amazing show and I have a feeling you’re going to need all the support you can get.
Dandy: Oh fug yeah! Tha’s fuggin’ amazin’! You jus’ travel an’ crash wit’ me if you good wit’ tha’...
Yazmin: Can’t wait!
Spencer Adams, don’ you go thinkin’ I fo’got ‘bout the longest reignin’ Action Wrestlin’ World Champion… I mean, at leas’ until Lockhart straight wrecked yo’ record, son. But I know a t’ing a’ two ‘bout bein’ the second longest reignin’ cham-peen, so I feel yo’ pain. Spence, I’m lookin’ atchu, an’ I see a man too side-tracked ta focus on tha big picture. All this shit ya got goin’ wit’ Link is straight up in yo head, preventin’ ya from seein’ the endgame. Why ya ain’t been back in tha title picture since ya los’ it? Ya won damn near a year ago. Where ya been since then? Ya can say all ya wan’ ‘bout ma shit wit’ Kiddy, but I ain’ neva take my eye off a’ this US Title! He stole ‘er from me. Yeah. He did. But I didn’ pull a Spencer Adams an’ give up on gettin’ ‘er back afta tha’ bump in tha road. Nah, nah, nah. I got the motherfucker back, Spencer! Where you on tha’ front, son? Sure don’ look like shit’s happenin’ in tha worl’ a’ Spencer Adams when it comes ta tha World Title. Gotta think tha’s ‘cause you scared an’ distracted, Spenny. Ya spendin’ so much time desperately tryin’ not ta play tha game like you Wade Moor, you done copied tha mothafucka’s playbook! You scared a’ bein’ ‘lone. Ya ain’t neva had ta battle as a real solo artist! You an’ Wade both! I mean, shit, ya won yo’ title wit’ help from ya boi, Kemp. Sure, I had suppo’t here an’ there, but ya ain’ done nothin’ wit’out somebody else holdin’ ya’ purse. Astoundin’, too. I mean, shit… You a goddamn legend here, righ’? An’ ya got there ridin’ on tha numbas game. Damn shame. ‘Specially fo’ all them poor li’l boys an’ girls lookin’ up atchu fo’ an example! Lookin’ at Spenny, wond’rin’ “Is that what it takes to succeed?” I ain’ no example, Spence. Any mommy an’ daddy out there lettin’ they kids watch Dandy DiVito prolly shouldn’ have them kids! But you, man? You supposed ta be a rolemodel fo’ them chil’ens. If ya wan’ be a piece a’ shit like me, lean into it, Spenny! Don’t delude yo’self inta thinkin’ some so’t a’ hero when ya out here doin’ villainous shit or ya’ walkin’ inta my ‘hood an’ I’ma clap ya, son.
DD standing in front of a handycam held by Yazmin. She is essentially directing him in cutting a Youtube promo from his living room.
Dandy: So the countdown is on to tha Havoc Rumble, and yeah, e’rybody else in this damn Rumble’s clock a bit longa than mine, but they’s expira a hell of a lot earlier. Dandy DiVito gonna run tha table. Wire ta wire. Pillar ta pos’. I’ve had chances in Action Wrestlin’ ta prove wha’ I can do, but I neva had the opportunity that tha Havoc Rumble gives ma ass. I can run through the entira rosta like a goddamn buzzsaw, leave life an’ limb in my wake, make a’ impression tha’ ain’ been made since that big ol’ space rock killed all them dinosaurs. Ya know, ma dad always wanna talk me outta this life. Always tryin’ a’ take my livelihood away ‘cause wrestlin’ ain’ nothin’ ta be proud of. Well, I call bullshit. I’m a damn good wrestla. I’m a hell of a fighta. An’ I’ll be goddamned if any mothafucka is gonna take away ma pride in this shit. When I toss person afta person outta tha ring at Havoc, tha’ll be shit ta be proud a’. When them refs raise my worn out, exhausted ass hand in tha air at the end, tha’ll be shit ta be proud a’. When I march inta Evolution, smack Lockhart in tha mouth an’ take that Action Wrestlin’ World Title, THAT WILL BE SHIT TA BE PROUD A’. I’m comin’, an I’m comin’ hot an’ heavy fo’ every mo’fucka in this comp’ny an’ who has the steel in they spine ta step inta tha’ ring at Havoc. I ain’ takin’ it easy, I ain’ takin’ no pris’ners, an’ I ain’ takin’ no shit from nobody! Bring ‘em all. Roy Speede’s dusty ass can crawl outta exile, march down ta tha ring an’ get fugged righ’ in the middle a’ it fo’ all I care. Fuckin’ Teo Blaze can show up on ma doorstep given his comp’ny ain’ got a doorstep fo’ him no mo’, an’ all that’ll happen in a snap for tha’ Thanos Title wearin’ mothafucka is the same shit that gon’ happen to ev’rybody else: Dandy tosses ‘em ova! They splat on tha mat! They be eliminated! D-Day, Torture, Gravedigga, SJW’s preggo ass, Power Word: Kill, Bonnie Blue, Joey fuckin’ Flash… I don’t give a shit what washed up legend y’all wanna trot out to MY RING, they all gettin’ tossed, an’ not in tha fun way. Fuck ‘em all! They ain’ been ‘roun’ fo’ tha rise of Dandy Fuggin’ DiVito, an’ they won’ be stickin’ aroun’ long ‘nough ta witness ma triumph neitha. Don’ matter who enter, don’ matter who top 10, who top 5, who las’ in there wit’ me, I’ma do tha damn work, and they gone. So… bring ‘em all. Fuckin’ sign up the whole-ass National Fuckin’ Guard… Ain’ nothin’ gon’ stand between Dandy DiVito an’ tha’ ultimate prize at Evolution: Dandy v Lockhart, Cham-peen v Cham-peen!
So e’pect it, ‘cause it comin: “AND YOUR WINNER OF THE 2019 HAVOC RUMBLE, DANDY DiVITO!”
Dandy: Damn, honey. You good. You real, real good.
Yazmin: I know, Champ. I was there, too.
A wide smile spread across each of their faces as DD takes another deep drag off his cigarette.
Yazmin: You know that’s a terrible idea, right?
Dandy: What?
Yazmin: Smoking.
Dandy: You one’a them smokin’-gives-ya-cancer types?
Yazmin: I mean, yes, but right now, I’m one of those you-were-just-told-you-have-to-enter-a-50-plus-man-Rumble-at-the-number-one-slot-so-cardiovascular-health-is-important types.
Dandy: Man, I ain’ gotta go changin’ ma life jus’ ‘cause Torture don’ know how ta walk in no fuggin’ hallway an’ gets pissy when I won’ bow to ‘im like some kinda god. He made me Numba 1 like it was some sorta punishment. Joke’s on tha’ mothafucka though, I wanted ta be Numba 1! I got shit ta prove! I don’ think ‘nough a’ them heavy hitters quite takin’ me serious ‘nough. They don’ undastand the threat Dandy DiVito be posin’ ta they place at tha top a’ tha mountain. If I’m in at Numba 1, I getta go toe-ta-toe wit’ every damn one a’ them mothafuckas. Face-ta-face wit’ every person on tha’ AW rosta! I getta look each one a’ them fucks in tha eye righ’ befo’ I pop ‘em in tha jaw an’ toss ‘em ova them ropes. Fuck. Tort thinkin’ he getting one ova on Dandy DiVito? Nah, son. Tort jus’ rewardin’ me fo’ hard fuckin’ work an’ jus’ don’ know it.
Yazmin: Probably still not smart to smoke with such a high stakes, marathon performance coming up. Feels like hubris is going to bite you in the ass. You don’t want to be blown up 5 minutes in.
Dandy: Nobody named Hugh goin’ nowhere near my ass, babydoll.
Yazmin: *sigh* You’re cute when you’re stupid, you know that?
Dandy: What?
Yazmin laughs.
Wade Moor, you a undisputed fuckin’ legend in this comp’ny. Mothafucka’s done it all: World Champ, Havok Rumble winna, Tag Champ, an’ Wrestla of tha year. Tha’s a fuggin’ man’s resumé righ’ there. But - an’ tha’s a but bigga than anything on a Kardashian - ya done mosta tha’ befo’ Dandy DiVito showed up in this bitch. Tha’ means ya done all ya done wit’out havin’ ta go through me! You look at my bonafides. Seriously, look at ‘em. I won my firs’ belt in this place in my THIRD MATCH! I impressed folks in dat fron’ office ‘nough ta get a shot at tha champ in less a fuggin’ month. Between tha day I made it official tha’ Dandy DiVito was the newest supastar in Action Wrestlin’ an’ the day a’ Havok, I been here 218 days. I been slingin’ this strap ‘roun’ ma waist fo’ literally 75 percent a’ tha time I been in this locker room, Wade. All a’ tha’s on yo’ watch. Ya coulda tried ta come smack me down, put ol’ DD in his place, or jus’ make sure tha worl’ knew there ain’ no up an’ comers tha’ can challenge tha king’s crown, but nah. You turned tail and played wit’ yo’self, Wade. Ya spent yo’ whole las’ six months bein’ outta tha’ big picture an’ contentin’ yo’self wit’ not challengin’ Lockhart fo’ tha big gold. Yo’ out here playin’ fuck fuck wit’ some tag belts ya can’t even hol’ on to! M’fucka, you let BEAU BLAZE dethrone yo’ ass! Tha fuck? That ain’t no Leviathan move, son. That ain’ no Godnilla move. Wade, tha’s a bitch move. I think you ‘fraid, Wade. You ‘friad a’ losin’ them #Beachkrew pals, an’ you ‘fraid a’ findin’ out ya ain’ tha’ king no mo’. I mean, hell, if ya ain’ even tha king a’ BK, ya sure as shit ain’ tha king a’ AW. Wade, I wanna make sure ya know one real ‘portant thang: I ain’ afraid a’ shit! I respec’ Lockhart. Sure. He been a good champ. He been one hell of a kind. But as yo’ ass certainly knows betta than mos’, kings die and crowns pass on ta tha nex’ in line. Tha nex’ in line fo’ Lockhart’s crown ain’ you, Wade. Ya had yo’ mediocre run. Sorry, brotha. Nex’ in line is Dandy DiVito. An’ if tha king don’ wan’ give up tha’ crown, I’ma be forced ta take his whole fuggin’ head. Which I know damn well you ain’ capable… Nah. You capable. You just ain’ willing ta do tha’ ya own damn self.
Dandy is seated at a beaten up old desk while Yazmin continues to lounge in the bed. Dandy is hard at work on something in a notebook.
Yazmin: What are you working on?
Dandy: Jus’ a work thin’.
Yazmin: You write for work?
Dandy: Sometimes.
Yazmin: What… what hell could you possibly write about for wrestling?
Dandy: I’m makin’ a book.
Yazmin: Isn’t it a little early in your career to be writing your memoirs?
Dandy: It ain’ no memoir.
Yazmin: Are you being vague on purpose or…
Dandy: I don’ really wan’ talk ‘bout it yet. I need some time ta work on it, an’ I’ll show ya. Promise.
Yazmin: Uh, ok.
Yazmin grabs the TV remote and turns on the enormous television in the bedroom. She’s aimlessly flipping channels until she finds news coverage of the Notre Dame fire in Paris.
Yazmin: Wooooooooooooow! That’s…
DD looks up from the desk and cranes his neck around to the tv. He is surprised by the incredible fire overwhelming the building.
Yazmin: ...AWESOME!
DD laughs to himself.
Yazmin: What? Look at how goddamn cool that fire looks!
DD looks again and nods reflecting his agreement.
Dandy: Yeah. Tha’ looks cool fo’ sure. I fuckin’ love fire.
Yazmin: Me too!
Dandy: Anotha thing we got in common. Fug, gurl. We bes’ be careful a’ this fuckin’ we doin’ gonna go somewhere!
Yazmin: …
Dandy panics a bit, thinking he’s freaked Yazmin out.
Dandy: Uh, sorry.
Yazmin: No. Don’t be sorry. You’re not wrong.
Dandy: I ain’t?
Yazmin: It’s only been a week, so let’s not put the cart before the horse, but this… feels… like it’s going to work.
Dandy: Yeah?
Yazmin: Yeah.
DD laughs out loud.
Yazmin: What?
Dandy: GAY!
DD laughs riotously. Yazmin smiles.
Yazmin: Jackass.
DD continues smiling as he turns back to the desk and returns to work. He makes a few pen strokes on the page, and turns back to Yazmin, holding up the notebook. The page shows an awful drawing of a stick person that appears to be DD himself, a large G in the top corner of the page, and the sentence “G is for GO DANDY!”
She smiles at his pride in such a shitty drawing.
Yazmin: Cute.
NvL, my man. I gotta hand it to ya: yo’ methods, as effective as they can be, man, well, they jus’ oughta make ya turn red wit’ embarrassment. Wait… Is that wha’ tha fuck is up wit’ yo’ hand?! Shit, I didn’ put tha’ together until now. Goddamn tha’s embarassin’ in and of itself, ya know? Lemme level wit’chu, Red… Until recently, I ain’ neva heard a’ ya. I mean, fug, where’d Digger fin’ ya in the firs’ place? Yeah, sure. You some ol’ hold ova from WCF or UCI and y’all crossed paths back when, but what would ever inspire tha man ta dig yo’ dusty ass up fo’ protection?! Coulda had ol’ Dandy DiVito if he’d jus’ ask nice, but I guess e’ery man’s got his own brand a’ boner fuel and Ol’ Digger’s got a some sort of fantasy ‘bout all them things a tha’ could happen when his peepee gets caught red handed. Look, man, I ain’ jus’ here to giggle atcha an’ say you gay. Hones’ly, I ain’ got nothin’ ‘gainst gay fellas. Them boys can S them Ds in peace. Whateva. I just wanna communicate how damn funny it look from here ta see you ask how high, Master Digger?! when tha’ mo’fucka tells ya ta jump. Now I get it, ya like bein’ a fuckin’ mad man who jus’ beats the everlovin’ fuck outta anybody fo’ seemin’ly no reason. You a man afta my own heart there, son, trus’ me, but I ain’ neva gonna be able ta understan’ how someone who seem so… independent... could allow hisself ta be tied ta one man, one comp’ny, one contrac’. I jus’ don’ undastand how ya could let yo’self be put on that leash, Neville. But, look, brotha, unemployment’s a bitch, an’ I get tha’ we all do thangs we ain’ proud a’. Your thang jus’ happens ta be playin’ Lamp Genie fo’ some ol’ man who can’t just do the dirty work himself no mo’. Leas’ it ain’ no Pretty Woman scenario where Digger tryin’ ta make this prostitute a wholesome li’l lady he can parade ‘bout town. Nah, Neville. Only thing you got in common wit’ ol’ Pretty Woman is tha’ ya got a firm rule ‘gains’ mouth kisses an’ ya’ ain’ givin’ up tha butt wit’out an ex’ra zero on that paycheck, son. I can’t wait ta smack da shit outta ya until yo’ lef’ han’ an’ tha res’ a’ yo’ whole damn body match yo’ righ’ han’.
DD and Yazmin have finally gotten dressed and left the house. They are seated in a little cafe restaurant grabbing a bite. We join them mid-conversation.
Yazmin: But it was The Final Match, why do you keep antagonizing Kidsgrove when you could just move on to bigger and better things?
Dandy: Man, you only askin’ me tha’ ‘cause you ain’ neva hit tha’ man in the face befo’. There’s something ‘bout poppin’ Sammy righ’ in tha dome tha’ll jus’ light yo’ heart right up, put a smile on yo’ face an’ a pep in yo’ step, babygurl. It’s like smackin’ tha shit outta a piñata, ya know? I jus’ keep hittin’ ‘im an’ hittin’ ‘im, and whether they ever be no candy come out, I’m havin’ a hell of a fun time smackin’ tha shit outta ‘im. An’ wha’s tha harm anyway? Mo’fucka can’t do nothin’ ‘bout it. Even though Camila was real clear ‘bout sayin’ they ain’ gon’ be another Sammy v Dandy match up, Sammy got his sights set on it. He’s droolin’ like a fuggin’ dog ova tha idea tha’ he gon’ get his hands on me an’ this US Title again. Tha’s why tha fuggin’ dummy didn’ try ta cost ma ass tha belt ‘gainst Kennedy las’ week. Bes’ I can figure, he don’ wanna jus’ be US Champ, he wanna take tha belt from Dandy. Soooooooooooo I’m takin’ it ta Ol’ Kiddy ta be mo’ than a bit of a dick, but I’m also crawlin’ inta his head an’ livin’ there.
Yazmin: Doesn’t being Number 1 in the Rumble kind of fuck up your whole “I never have to face him again, so I might as well poke the bear” thing? I mean, you said it yourself, if you want to win the Rumble, you’re going to have to face off against every single entrant in the damn match. That’ll include Kidsgrove…
Dandy: Yeah, sure. I get dat, an’ I’ll be real: I ain’ excited ‘bout it, but I ain’ gon’ lose my head ova it neitha. I don’ care if Kiddy come out numba 2 a’ numba 42, I’ma go ta war wit’ ‘im. Tha last match was The Final Match wit’ the two a’ us, but if I can’t toss tha’ sumbitch ova them ropes ta earn ma shot at Lockhart, I prolly don’ deserve ta have a shot at Lockhart. I mean, shit, ]if I can’t beat fuggin’ Kidsgrove, I ain’ got a ice cube’s chance in hell at walkin’ outta a match wit’ Lockhart, the fuggin’ GOAT, as anythin’ but anotha successful title defense for tha man.
Yazmin: I don’t know that I’d go that far.
Dandy: Whachu mean?
Yazmin: I think you’re underestimating Kidsgrove. He’s more than good enough to be the World Champ in Action Wrestling.
Dandy: Psh, fug tha’.
Yazmin: You think you have what it takes, right, Dandy?
Dandy: Fug yeah!
Yazmin: And Kidsgrove has beaten you clean before, right?
Dandy: …
Yazmin: Exactly. If you have what it takes to be champ - and believe me, I know you do - then by all logic, Sam does, too.
Dandy: But I’m betta.
Yazmin: I never said you weren’t. I’m just saying I think this blood feud is getting in the way of your objective evaluation of Kidsgrove.
Dandy: Maybe. Maybe not. Regar’less, fuck Sam Kidsgrove ta death wit’ a chainsaw!
A waitress brings food to the table and both DD and Yazmin look up to meet her gaze.
Waitress: Y’all need anything else?
Yazmin: Nope. This is great. Thank you though!
DD nods as the waitress smiles and leaves them to their meal.
Casey Holliday, the winningest champ in tha history a’ tha company. All tha’s good an’ all, but lady, I jus’ gotta wonda… given tha’ ya spendin’ so much time braggin’ ‘bout yo’ 245 days a’ carryin’ ‘roun’ the metaphorical piece a’ shit that was the UCI title, would do tha same if ya carried ‘roun’ a literal piece a’ shit fo’ tha’ long, too? Ain’ nobody give a damn ‘bout UCI. Hones’ly, I don’ even know what the fuck them letters stand fo’ no mo’. How tha’ fug can somet’in’ matter when what it represen’s is long dead an’ forgotten?! Let’s not beat ‘roun’ tha bush here, Casey, what I’m sayin’ to ya here is simple: let us know when ya do somet’in’ tha’ matters, ya irrelevant fuckin’ charisma black hole. I mean, shit, how tha fug can ya’ expect anyone ta look at this “streak” as anything but a couple of good, lucky wins snuck into a pile a’ garbage stacked so high A&E’s Hoarder folks wouldn’t touch it. Ya beat Bishop three times. Ya beat Nash three times. Ya beat Anton twice. Casey, baby, tha’ ain’ a streak a’ defenses, that’s a streak a’ puppies ya’ kicked. You a paper champ. You da queen a’ shit. Sure, wins ova Pasta an’ Richards an’ ZMAC… them’s some wins that matta. Yeah. I’ll give it to ya’. But those matches are jus’ chunks a’ corn in the turd tha’ is yo’ career in Action Wrestlin’. Now tha’ ya ain’ got a dead comp’ny ta defend tha’ legacy a’, ya gonna have ta start lookin’ at tha present an’ thinkin’ ‘bout tha future. Unfortunately fo’ you, I am tha future, an’ tha futura ‘bout ta smack ya in da mouth. I hope ya enjoy swallowin’ teeth, baby.
DD and Yazmin walk in the door of DD’s house. Yazmin comfortably throws herself on to the couch.
Yazmin: Do you want to show me what you’ve been writing?
DD thinks for a bit before nodding.
Dandy: Yeah, I guess.
DD wanders off to grab his notebook. When he returns, he takes a seat next to Yazmin and she puts her legs over his lap as he opens to the first page that reads:
DANDY'S ABCs OF ACTION WRESTLING
Yazmin smiles and DD turns the page and reads the book to her.
Dandy: A is for Spencer Adams. He can’t seal tha deal on his own. B is for Beau Blaze who sucks on ZMAC’s titty and Bobby Rage who is only good when he blindsides opponents. C is for Casey Holliday who is Ambien come to life. D is for Dandy DiVito who is tha bes’ wrestla in tha company! E is for Estrella who couldn’t overestimate how interesting she is more if she tried. F is for TFK who’s rustier than the Titanic. G is for GO DANDY! H is for Hippo who’s back an’ hopefully no’ makin’ any sequels to Song a’ tha South. I is for I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO ENTERS THA RUMBLE, IT’S DANDY’S! J is for Jaice who just can’t win the big one and Jared Holmes who’s afraid a’ tha ring. K is for Kennedy who… lol, nah! And fo’ Kyle Kemp who has disappeared worse than Magic. L is for Lincoln who can’t decide who he’ll be and fo’ Lissie the Lezzie who wilts in the spotlight. M is fo’ Metal Witch Claire who jus’ can’t beat Dandy no matta how hard she try. N is for Karlie Nash who pouts like a child and fo’ the madman Neville who best hope Gravedigga don’t get sick a’ ‘im. O is for Hazel Overton who gets handed her prizes. P is for Pasternak who’s got a spine like cooked linguine. Q is for QDT who ain’ neva played wit’ tha big boys. R is fo’ Alex Richards who’s title run just ran a proud, strong comp’ny straight into tha groun’. S is for Sam Kidsgrove who’s a dog chasin’ cars and fo’ Shadowlove who jus’ talks too much wit’out backin’ it up. T is for Titan Jax who is just a big bum. U is for U DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW LOW DANDY’S D SWINGS! V is for VERY NICE TO SEE DANDY AS CHAMP! W is for Wade who we don’t want Moor of. X is for Wrestler X who, I guess, is a thing…? Y is for Y Y’ALL EVEN BOTHER SHOWIN’ UP FO’ HAVOC?! And Z is for ZMAC who gonna see which one’ll win between immortality an’ a drug overdose.
Yazmin sports a wide smile as she begins to giggle. DD gets a bit self-conscious.
Dandy: You hate it?
Yazmin: NO! I love it!
Dandy: I wan’ ya ta be there.
Yazmin: Really?
Dandy: Ya. I ain’ askin’ ya to be ringside a’ walk me ta tha ring a’ nothin’. I jus’ wan’ ya there ta see tha biggest moment a’ my career, my life! Will… will ya come wit’ me?
Yazmin: I… I want to, but I don’t know if I can.
Dandy: Oh… yeah… I get it. I get it. Short notice an’ all.
Yazmin: You know what? Fuck it. I’ve got vacation days. I’ll just take them and go. I want to be at that amazing show and I have a feeling you’re going to need all the support you can get.
Dandy: Oh fug yeah! Tha’s fuggin’ amazin’! You jus’ travel an’ crash wit’ me if you good wit’ tha’...
Yazmin: Can’t wait!
Spencer Adams, don’ you go thinkin’ I fo’got ‘bout the longest reignin’ Action Wrestlin’ World Champion… I mean, at leas’ until Lockhart straight wrecked yo’ record, son. But I know a t’ing a’ two ‘bout bein’ the second longest reignin’ cham-peen, so I feel yo’ pain. Spence, I’m lookin’ atchu, an’ I see a man too side-tracked ta focus on tha big picture. All this shit ya got goin’ wit’ Link is straight up in yo head, preventin’ ya from seein’ the endgame. Why ya ain’t been back in tha title picture since ya los’ it? Ya won damn near a year ago. Where ya been since then? Ya can say all ya wan’ ‘bout ma shit wit’ Kiddy, but I ain’ neva take my eye off a’ this US Title! He stole ‘er from me. Yeah. He did. But I didn’ pull a Spencer Adams an’ give up on gettin’ ‘er back afta tha’ bump in tha road. Nah, nah, nah. I got the motherfucker back, Spencer! Where you on tha’ front, son? Sure don’ look like shit’s happenin’ in tha worl’ a’ Spencer Adams when it comes ta tha World Title. Gotta think tha’s ‘cause you scared an’ distracted, Spenny. Ya spendin’ so much time desperately tryin’ not ta play tha game like you Wade Moor, you done copied tha mothafucka’s playbook! You scared a’ bein’ ‘lone. Ya ain’t neva had ta battle as a real solo artist! You an’ Wade both! I mean, shit, ya won yo’ title wit’ help from ya boi, Kemp. Sure, I had suppo’t here an’ there, but ya ain’ done nothin’ wit’out somebody else holdin’ ya’ purse. Astoundin’, too. I mean, shit… You a goddamn legend here, righ’? An’ ya got there ridin’ on tha numbas game. Damn shame. ‘Specially fo’ all them poor li’l boys an’ girls lookin’ up atchu fo’ an example! Lookin’ at Spenny, wond’rin’ “Is that what it takes to succeed?” I ain’ no example, Spence. Any mommy an’ daddy out there lettin’ they kids watch Dandy DiVito prolly shouldn’ have them kids! But you, man? You supposed ta be a rolemodel fo’ them chil’ens. If ya wan’ be a piece a’ shit like me, lean into it, Spenny! Don’t delude yo’self inta thinkin’ some so’t a’ hero when ya out here doin’ villainous shit or ya’ walkin’ inta my ‘hood an’ I’ma clap ya, son.
DD standing in front of a handycam held by Yazmin. She is essentially directing him in cutting a Youtube promo from his living room.
Dandy: So the countdown is on to tha Havoc Rumble, and yeah, e’rybody else in this damn Rumble’s clock a bit longa than mine, but they’s expira a hell of a lot earlier. Dandy DiVito gonna run tha table. Wire ta wire. Pillar ta pos’. I’ve had chances in Action Wrestlin’ ta prove wha’ I can do, but I neva had the opportunity that tha Havoc Rumble gives ma ass. I can run through the entira rosta like a goddamn buzzsaw, leave life an’ limb in my wake, make a’ impression tha’ ain’ been made since that big ol’ space rock killed all them dinosaurs. Ya know, ma dad always wanna talk me outta this life. Always tryin’ a’ take my livelihood away ‘cause wrestlin’ ain’ nothin’ ta be proud of. Well, I call bullshit. I’m a damn good wrestla. I’m a hell of a fighta. An’ I’ll be goddamned if any mothafucka is gonna take away ma pride in this shit. When I toss person afta person outta tha ring at Havoc, tha’ll be shit ta be proud a’. When them refs raise my worn out, exhausted ass hand in tha air at the end, tha’ll be shit ta be proud a’. When I march inta Evolution, smack Lockhart in tha mouth an’ take that Action Wrestlin’ World Title, THAT WILL BE SHIT TA BE PROUD A’. I’m comin’, an I’m comin’ hot an’ heavy fo’ every mo’fucka in this comp’ny an’ who has the steel in they spine ta step inta tha’ ring at Havoc. I ain’ takin’ it easy, I ain’ takin’ no pris’ners, an’ I ain’ takin’ no shit from nobody! Bring ‘em all. Roy Speede’s dusty ass can crawl outta exile, march down ta tha ring an’ get fugged righ’ in the middle a’ it fo’ all I care. Fuckin’ Teo Blaze can show up on ma doorstep given his comp’ny ain’ got a doorstep fo’ him no mo’, an’ all that’ll happen in a snap for tha’ Thanos Title wearin’ mothafucka is the same shit that gon’ happen to ev’rybody else: Dandy tosses ‘em ova! They splat on tha mat! They be eliminated! D-Day, Torture, Gravedigga, SJW’s preggo ass, Power Word: Kill, Bonnie Blue, Joey fuckin’ Flash… I don’t give a shit what washed up legend y’all wanna trot out to MY RING, they all gettin’ tossed, an’ not in tha fun way. Fuck ‘em all! They ain’ been ‘roun’ fo’ tha rise of Dandy Fuggin’ DiVito, an’ they won’ be stickin’ aroun’ long ‘nough ta witness ma triumph neitha. Don’ matter who enter, don’ matter who top 10, who top 5, who las’ in there wit’ me, I’ma do tha damn work, and they gone. So… bring ‘em all. Fuckin’ sign up the whole-ass National Fuckin’ Guard… Ain’ nothin’ gon’ stand between Dandy DiVito an’ tha’ ultimate prize at Evolution: Dandy v Lockhart, Cham-peen v Cham-peen!
So e’pect it, ‘cause it comin: “AND YOUR WINNER OF THE 2019 HAVOC RUMBLE, DANDY DiVITO!”