Post by Dandy DiVito on Feb 27, 2019 22:43:05 GMT -5
Morning Feb. 25
Dandy sits on an exam table at his ENT doctor waiting for the doc for his last surgical check up. DD stares up at the clock and exhales in frustration with the wait. A knock on the door relieves the tension, and the doc enters the room.
DOCTOR
Mr. DiVito, I’ve got good news…
(The doctor waits a beat expecting DD to respond, but DD maintains his medically required silence. )
DOCTOR
Oh, right. Well, sir, the good news is that you’re all healed up, and you’re good to speak and proceed with life as normal.
DANDY
Oh sweet fuck, thank you!
DOCTOR
I would try to keep your volume moderated for a few weeks still, but all in all, you’re pretty much back to 100 percent.
DANDY
Thanks, doc.
Evening Feb. 25
Dandy is resting in his flop house, flipping through the dirtsheets, and looking for anything about how Kidsgrove reacted to the result of the US Title match at #EffinRager.
DANDY
Goddamn dirtsheets can’t tell me anythin’ importan’.
(Damon and Affleck keep flipping through their People and US Magazines and don’t really break eye contact with their respective magazines. As DD scans for Kidsgrove headlines, he comes across the posted card for the March 4 Clash, and he blows up.)
DANDY
What's this shit?!
DAMON
Woah, DD. Didn’t the doctor tell you to keep your voice down?
AFFLECK
What’s going on?
DANDY
You didn’t see the fuckin’ card?
AFFLECK
Who’s it from?
DANDY
Not a fuggin’ greetin’ card, numbnuts. The match list for next week’s Clash!
DAMON
They’re doing that Battlebowl thing, right?
AFFLECK
Yeah! Sounds pretty cool. God have mercy on whatever poor asshole gets stuck with Sam though.
(Affleck and Damon share a laugh as Dandy fumes.)
DANDY
Affleck, I’ma smack the ever lovin’ shit outta you.
AFFLECK
What?! Oh no! Did… did, uh, did you get paired with Sam?
DANDY
What the fuck you think? Of fuckin’ course I did. I know damn well Torture went an’ made these teams aT rANdOm.
DAMON
So wait… does that mean we’ve got to work with Sam again?
DANDY
I ain’t tellin’ y’all you gotta do nothin’, but I’ma work wit’ ‘im ta do e’eryt’ing I can to get that last spot in the Havok Rumble an’ tha’ title match at Evolution. I wan’ tha’ shit so bad I can taste it.
(Dandy sits in silence stewing over his pairing.)
DANDY
If dat means I gotta swallow a fis’ full’a shit to lock down tha’ spot in da Rumble, than I’m put on ma bes’ shit eatin’ grin and take care a’ business. I’ma be tha bes’ damn partn’a Ol’ Sammy’s ever had, boys.
DAMON
But he fucking hates us now!
DANDY
Ya, tha’s a prol’em y’all gonna have ta deal wit’. Shoulda thoughta tha’ shit ‘fore you went pissin’ off tha’ a-lis’ fella in da firs’ place.
AFFLECK
Dude! He will LITERALLY fucking kill us!
DANDY
Goddamn, Affleck. If I didn’t know you was 100 percent incapable of it, I’d say you bein’ awfully dramatic righ’ now…
DAMON
No, Dandy. For real! You weren’t there when he came at us with a bat. Sam might actually murder us.
DANDY
I got it when Cool Runnings said it the first time.
AFFLECK
I wasn’t in Cool Runnings!
DANDY
Sure, you were, man. You was one ‘a them bobsled fellas.
AFFLECK
Those guys were all dark skined. Like reallllllllllllllllllll dark.
DANDY
Nah, dude. I got it. Dark Knight. Yeah. Tha’s you.
DAMON
FUCK! Can you just focus for like 9 fucking seconds! Beau Fucking Blaze can ride a fucking bull longer than you can pay fucking attention! CHRIST!
(Dandy snaps straight up, his back as rigid as a board. )
DANDY
You wan’ my attention, you got it, mothafugga. SPEAK!
AFFLECK
Dandy! Dude! Your voice.
(Dandy waves off Affleck’s concern. Damon proceeds after a few deep breaths.)
DAMON
You want to win. I get that.
DANDY
You picked THAT up from all that fancy payin’ attention?
DAMON
Fuck you. I wasn’t finished. ANYWAY… So last week you wanted to win, and we got… creative. If Sam murders us, that hurts you in two ways.
DANDY
You got my attention, Bill the Krill.
(Dandy turns to Affleck with a smile and smacks Affleck on the arm.)
DANDY
Get it, Bats? Fuckin' Happy Feet Two! Ha!
(Damon is staring a hole through DD, and as Affleck totally no sells DD’s abysmal joke, DD turns to see Damon’s seething anger. Through gritted teeth Damon continues.)
DAMON
SO. THAT. HURTS. YOU. IN. TWO. WAYS. (1) Ben and I can’t help you anymore, because we’re fucking dead. (2) Sam murdering us means HE also can’t help you anymore since he’ll be in prison. If you let Sam find us, you will not win this Battlebowl…
AFFLECK
Might as well be the cereal bowl if we’re dead.
(DD pauses and appears to be in deep thought for a moment before he opens his mouth to speak.)
DANDY
So I gotta work wit’ Sam AN’ talk tha mothafucka outta killin’ you two? Goddamn! Why I gotta do all tha’ heavy liftin’ ‘roun’ here. Someday y’all gonna haveta learn to earn yo’ keep.
DAMON
EARN OUR KEEP?! Listen, man. You wouldn’t have even beaten Sam if Ben and I didn’t lay across him before you did your goddamn push ups!
(Damon turns to Affleck.)
DAMON
Ben, I told you this was a bad idea! I told you we should have just left it alone! But no! Just like when you wanted to help make Clerks 2… You could have just stopped at Clerks, Ben! THIS IS MY CLERKS 2!
AFFLECK
Woah! Don’t go all Departed on me! You know that one doesn’t end well for you either! And Clerks 2 was a quality movie! There’s even some dude from Nebraska who said online that Clerks 2 was WAY better than Clerks!
DAMON
Great! Now we’re justifying our fucking careers based on the astute opinions of ”some dude from Nebraska.” You know what, Ben? I’ve been to Nebraska. I shot Downsizing in Oma…
AFFLECK
What a gem that turned out to be, huh?
DAMON
LISTEN, DAREDEVIL, THIS IS NOT THE HILL YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE ON!
(DD finally steps in to stop the squabble between friends as he laughs to himself.)
DANDY
Fellas, fellas. Let’s relax. I know tensions is runnin’ real high ‘cause y’all legit afraid a’ dyin’, but I’ma handle it. Yo, Affleck. Jamaica, m’on.
AFFLECK
DUDE! I wasn’t in Cool Runnings!
DANDY
You sure? I pretty vividly rememb’a a kinda soft lookin’ white dude. That wasn’t you?
AFFLECK
JOHN CANDY?! Fuck! I remind you of a fat fuck that died in his 40’s?!
(Ben anxiously runs his hands through his hair and talks to himself.)
AFFLECK
Fuck. I’m a fucking dead man. Why am I even doing this sobriety bullshit?!
(Affleck disappears heading toward the kitchen. Dandy looks at Damon with concern. Damon sighs and waves it off.)
DAMON
He… just does this. He get sober and has some big AH HA! moment when he realizes it’s not worth it. He’ll just go back to rehab again. Whatever. It’s just kind of Ben.
(The phone rings, but Dandy lets it go to his answering machine.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
You reached Action Wrestlin’s United State Cham-peen…
(Dandy smiles and smacks Damon on the arm.)
DANDY
Glad I didn’t take da time ta change tha’ shit when I didn’ have da belt!
ANSWERING MACHINE
...Dandy Fuggin’ DiVito, and I ain’t here righ’ now. Prolly out gettin’ in trouble ‘r whoopin’ some ass. Ya can leave a message an’ I migh’ return it but I prolly won’.
(The loud beep of the machine gives way to the caller’s voice.)
MR. DiVITO
Winston, it’s your father…
(Damon looks at Dandy and mouths the name Winston in confusion. Dandy waves off his concern and listens closely. )
MR. DiVITO
I’ve decided I’ll honor our agreement. At least for a little while. You can stay in wrestling. Hell, you can even be Dandy DiVito. Your mother and I still hate it, but fair’s fair. Understand this is not permanent, and sooner than later, you will stop…
(The beep cuts off the message as DD has a broad grin spreading on his face.)
DAMON
Was that good news?
DANDY
It means I can absolutely focus on dis shit righ’ here in fron’ a’ us. Me an’ Sammy winnin’ these tag matches an’ me gettin’ tha’ last spot in tha’ Havok Rumble. I nee’ tha’ shit.
(Affleck walks back into the room carrying a bottle of godawful vodka and a used needle.)
AFFLECK
If I shoot this into my eyes, will I go blind?
DAMON
Fuck, man. You DEFINITELY need to go back to rehab.
C:\Users\dandy\Documents\action_wrestling\Letter4Sam
Yo, Sammy!
Whaddup, man?! Yo, I just wanted to say that you totally kicked ass at Rager! You did great, and I hope you was as proud of your effort as me.
Look, dude, I want to make sure you and I are on good terms going into this tag shit. We’re a team, and teams have to work together, else no one on that team can be the last entrant at Havok. I’m figuring you and me should talk strategy and just get on the same page before it’s too late.
We got Wasabi and QDT. They both tiny as shit and good in the air. You’ve got them acrobatic skills, too, so we should be able to neutralize them there. Point us. I’ve got the power of pure ass violence and can keep these fellas glued to the mat. Point us. The thing that’s really gonna fuck these little guys up though, man, is that they have a huge task in front of them… they have to face the last three United States Champions all on one tag team! You know, because I had it and then you stole it and then I took it back. But let’s not get all into the weeds on that ancient history, man. Point us.
That little guy QDT don’t know what the fuck he want to do no more. Started out ok. A bit too nice-y for my tastes, but I don’t get it. I got beef with my pops, too, but I ain’t gonna drop him with no closed fists. QDT just comes of like some fucking scene kid who just knows that there’s some eyeliner wearing asshole in some shit-ass band who sings all the songs in QDT's heart. Fuckin’ Black Parade or some shit. But QDT can’t find his music and it’s tearing him apart. I’ve beat down better angsty motherfuckers before, and I know damn well you and me can take these fellas.
Peewee Champ Wasabi just stumbled into that title, right? Like a process of elimination thing? At some point, someone has to get a title match, and if you only have so many little fellas hanging around backstage, eventually all of them are going to have a shot. That’s Wasabi! Waitin' around until it’s his turn to dry hump the couch cushions. It sure ain’t nobody’s first choice, but well, when all them ladies at the party ain’t want nothing to do with you… it’s time to make a move on the I-don’t-pull-out couch. He seems like a nice enough guy, but I hear he’s a big fan of Damon and Affleck and you hate those guys, right? Mean old jerks. I told them not to do that to you. I tried to talk them out of it. Scout’s honor. What was I supposed to do, not win back my title?! Nah, man. You get it, I’m sure. We good here, right? You couldn’t possibly still be mad about all that stuff. Water under the bridge!
So whatda say, Sammy? You want to be last entrant in the Havok Rumble? Put your trust in Dandy Fuckin’ DiVito, and we’ll be the team to fuckin’ beat.
-DD
Dandy sits on an exam table at his ENT doctor waiting for the doc for his last surgical check up. DD stares up at the clock and exhales in frustration with the wait. A knock on the door relieves the tension, and the doc enters the room.
DOCTOR
Mr. DiVito, I’ve got good news…
(The doctor waits a beat expecting DD to respond, but DD maintains his medically required silence. )
DOCTOR
Oh, right. Well, sir, the good news is that you’re all healed up, and you’re good to speak and proceed with life as normal.
DANDY
Oh sweet fuck, thank you!
DOCTOR
I would try to keep your volume moderated for a few weeks still, but all in all, you’re pretty much back to 100 percent.
DANDY
Thanks, doc.
Evening Feb. 25
Dandy is resting in his flop house, flipping through the dirtsheets, and looking for anything about how Kidsgrove reacted to the result of the US Title match at #EffinRager.
DANDY
Goddamn dirtsheets can’t tell me anythin’ importan’.
(Damon and Affleck keep flipping through their People and US Magazines and don’t really break eye contact with their respective magazines. As DD scans for Kidsgrove headlines, he comes across the posted card for the March 4 Clash, and he blows up.)
DANDY
What's this shit?!
DAMON
Woah, DD. Didn’t the doctor tell you to keep your voice down?
AFFLECK
What’s going on?
DANDY
You didn’t see the fuckin’ card?
AFFLECK
Who’s it from?
DANDY
Not a fuggin’ greetin’ card, numbnuts. The match list for next week’s Clash!
DAMON
They’re doing that Battlebowl thing, right?
AFFLECK
Yeah! Sounds pretty cool. God have mercy on whatever poor asshole gets stuck with Sam though.
(Affleck and Damon share a laugh as Dandy fumes.)
DANDY
Affleck, I’ma smack the ever lovin’ shit outta you.
AFFLECK
What?! Oh no! Did… did, uh, did you get paired with Sam?
DANDY
What the fuck you think? Of fuckin’ course I did. I know damn well Torture went an’ made these teams aT rANdOm.
DAMON
So wait… does that mean we’ve got to work with Sam again?
DANDY
I ain’t tellin’ y’all you gotta do nothin’, but I’ma work wit’ ‘im ta do e’eryt’ing I can to get that last spot in the Havok Rumble an’ tha’ title match at Evolution. I wan’ tha’ shit so bad I can taste it.
(Dandy sits in silence stewing over his pairing.)
DANDY
If dat means I gotta swallow a fis’ full’a shit to lock down tha’ spot in da Rumble, than I’m put on ma bes’ shit eatin’ grin and take care a’ business. I’ma be tha bes’ damn partn’a Ol’ Sammy’s ever had, boys.
DAMON
But he fucking hates us now!
DANDY
Ya, tha’s a prol’em y’all gonna have ta deal wit’. Shoulda thoughta tha’ shit ‘fore you went pissin’ off tha’ a-lis’ fella in da firs’ place.
AFFLECK
Dude! He will LITERALLY fucking kill us!
DANDY
Goddamn, Affleck. If I didn’t know you was 100 percent incapable of it, I’d say you bein’ awfully dramatic righ’ now…
DAMON
No, Dandy. For real! You weren’t there when he came at us with a bat. Sam might actually murder us.
DANDY
I got it when Cool Runnings said it the first time.
AFFLECK
I wasn’t in Cool Runnings!
DANDY
Sure, you were, man. You was one ‘a them bobsled fellas.
AFFLECK
Those guys were all dark skined. Like reallllllllllllllllllll dark.
DANDY
Nah, dude. I got it. Dark Knight. Yeah. Tha’s you.
DAMON
FUCK! Can you just focus for like 9 fucking seconds! Beau Fucking Blaze can ride a fucking bull longer than you can pay fucking attention! CHRIST!
(Dandy snaps straight up, his back as rigid as a board. )
DANDY
You wan’ my attention, you got it, mothafugga. SPEAK!
AFFLECK
Dandy! Dude! Your voice.
(Dandy waves off Affleck’s concern. Damon proceeds after a few deep breaths.)
DAMON
You want to win. I get that.
DANDY
You picked THAT up from all that fancy payin’ attention?
DAMON
Fuck you. I wasn’t finished. ANYWAY… So last week you wanted to win, and we got… creative. If Sam murders us, that hurts you in two ways.
DANDY
You got my attention, Bill the Krill.
(Dandy turns to Affleck with a smile and smacks Affleck on the arm.)
DANDY
Get it, Bats? Fuckin' Happy Feet Two! Ha!
(Damon is staring a hole through DD, and as Affleck totally no sells DD’s abysmal joke, DD turns to see Damon’s seething anger. Through gritted teeth Damon continues.)
DAMON
SO. THAT. HURTS. YOU. IN. TWO. WAYS. (1) Ben and I can’t help you anymore, because we’re fucking dead. (2) Sam murdering us means HE also can’t help you anymore since he’ll be in prison. If you let Sam find us, you will not win this Battlebowl…
AFFLECK
Might as well be the cereal bowl if we’re dead.
(DD pauses and appears to be in deep thought for a moment before he opens his mouth to speak.)
DANDY
So I gotta work wit’ Sam AN’ talk tha mothafucka outta killin’ you two? Goddamn! Why I gotta do all tha’ heavy liftin’ ‘roun’ here. Someday y’all gonna haveta learn to earn yo’ keep.
DAMON
EARN OUR KEEP?! Listen, man. You wouldn’t have even beaten Sam if Ben and I didn’t lay across him before you did your goddamn push ups!
(Damon turns to Affleck.)
DAMON
Ben, I told you this was a bad idea! I told you we should have just left it alone! But no! Just like when you wanted to help make Clerks 2… You could have just stopped at Clerks, Ben! THIS IS MY CLERKS 2!
AFFLECK
Woah! Don’t go all Departed on me! You know that one doesn’t end well for you either! And Clerks 2 was a quality movie! There’s even some dude from Nebraska who said online that Clerks 2 was WAY better than Clerks!
DAMON
Great! Now we’re justifying our fucking careers based on the astute opinions of ”some dude from Nebraska.” You know what, Ben? I’ve been to Nebraska. I shot Downsizing in Oma…
AFFLECK
What a gem that turned out to be, huh?
DAMON
LISTEN, DAREDEVIL, THIS IS NOT THE HILL YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE ON!
(DD finally steps in to stop the squabble between friends as he laughs to himself.)
DANDY
Fellas, fellas. Let’s relax. I know tensions is runnin’ real high ‘cause y’all legit afraid a’ dyin’, but I’ma handle it. Yo, Affleck. Jamaica, m’on.
AFFLECK
DUDE! I wasn’t in Cool Runnings!
DANDY
You sure? I pretty vividly rememb’a a kinda soft lookin’ white dude. That wasn’t you?
AFFLECK
JOHN CANDY?! Fuck! I remind you of a fat fuck that died in his 40’s?!
(Ben anxiously runs his hands through his hair and talks to himself.)
AFFLECK
Fuck. I’m a fucking dead man. Why am I even doing this sobriety bullshit?!
(Affleck disappears heading toward the kitchen. Dandy looks at Damon with concern. Damon sighs and waves it off.)
DAMON
He… just does this. He get sober and has some big AH HA! moment when he realizes it’s not worth it. He’ll just go back to rehab again. Whatever. It’s just kind of Ben.
(The phone rings, but Dandy lets it go to his answering machine.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
You reached Action Wrestlin’s United State Cham-peen…
(Dandy smiles and smacks Damon on the arm.)
DANDY
Glad I didn’t take da time ta change tha’ shit when I didn’ have da belt!
ANSWERING MACHINE
...Dandy Fuggin’ DiVito, and I ain’t here righ’ now. Prolly out gettin’ in trouble ‘r whoopin’ some ass. Ya can leave a message an’ I migh’ return it but I prolly won’.
(The loud beep of the machine gives way to the caller’s voice.)
MR. DiVITO
Winston, it’s your father…
(Damon looks at Dandy and mouths the name Winston in confusion. Dandy waves off his concern and listens closely. )
MR. DiVITO
I’ve decided I’ll honor our agreement. At least for a little while. You can stay in wrestling. Hell, you can even be Dandy DiVito. Your mother and I still hate it, but fair’s fair. Understand this is not permanent, and sooner than later, you will stop…
(The beep cuts off the message as DD has a broad grin spreading on his face.)
DAMON
Was that good news?
DANDY
It means I can absolutely focus on dis shit righ’ here in fron’ a’ us. Me an’ Sammy winnin’ these tag matches an’ me gettin’ tha’ last spot in tha’ Havok Rumble. I nee’ tha’ shit.
(Affleck walks back into the room carrying a bottle of godawful vodka and a used needle.)
AFFLECK
If I shoot this into my eyes, will I go blind?
DAMON
Fuck, man. You DEFINITELY need to go back to rehab.
C:\Users\dandy\Documents\action_wrestling\Letter4Sam
Yo, Sammy!
Whaddup, man?! Yo, I just wanted to say that you totally kicked ass at Rager! You did great, and I hope you was as proud of your effort as me.
Look, dude, I want to make sure you and I are on good terms going into this tag shit. We’re a team, and teams have to work together, else no one on that team can be the last entrant at Havok. I’m figuring you and me should talk strategy and just get on the same page before it’s too late.
We got Wasabi and QDT. They both tiny as shit and good in the air. You’ve got them acrobatic skills, too, so we should be able to neutralize them there. Point us. I’ve got the power of pure ass violence and can keep these fellas glued to the mat. Point us. The thing that’s really gonna fuck these little guys up though, man, is that they have a huge task in front of them… they have to face the last three United States Champions all on one tag team! You know, because I had it and then you stole it and then I took it back. But let’s not get all into the weeds on that ancient history, man. Point us.
That little guy QDT don’t know what the fuck he want to do no more. Started out ok. A bit too nice-y for my tastes, but I don’t get it. I got beef with my pops, too, but I ain’t gonna drop him with no closed fists. QDT just comes of like some fucking scene kid who just knows that there’s some eyeliner wearing asshole in some shit-ass band who sings all the songs in QDT's heart. Fuckin’ Black Parade or some shit. But QDT can’t find his music and it’s tearing him apart. I’ve beat down better angsty motherfuckers before, and I know damn well you and me can take these fellas.
Peewee Champ Wasabi just stumbled into that title, right? Like a process of elimination thing? At some point, someone has to get a title match, and if you only have so many little fellas hanging around backstage, eventually all of them are going to have a shot. That’s Wasabi! Waitin' around until it’s his turn to dry hump the couch cushions. It sure ain’t nobody’s first choice, but well, when all them ladies at the party ain’t want nothing to do with you… it’s time to make a move on the I-don’t-pull-out couch. He seems like a nice enough guy, but I hear he’s a big fan of Damon and Affleck and you hate those guys, right? Mean old jerks. I told them not to do that to you. I tried to talk them out of it. Scout’s honor. What was I supposed to do, not win back my title?! Nah, man. You get it, I’m sure. We good here, right? You couldn’t possibly still be mad about all that stuff. Water under the bridge!
So whatda say, Sammy? You want to be last entrant in the Havok Rumble? Put your trust in Dandy Fuckin’ DiVito, and we’ll be the team to fuckin’ beat.
-DD