Post by Sam Kidsgrove on Feb 24, 2019 17:31:38 GMT -5
I DON’T WANNA MISS A THING. R.I.P MARK WATNEY
Written by Andy Weir
Story by Ayr O’Smith
FADE IN
EXT - BROADWAY - NIGHT
MATT DAMON and BEN AFFLECK, scum sucking shitbags full of snark and attitude walk along broadway, chatting about SAM KIDSGROVE, betrayed hero. Damon is nervous, barely able to eat his hotdog. Affleck seems a little more calm, although he also seems nervous he does stride with a purpose.
DAMON
I’m tellin’ ya man, I saw him.
AFFLECK
Don’t be such a pussy, he’s nowhere near and he won’t come after us in public.
DAMON
Isn’t that contract stuff bullshit? He can come at us any time.
AFFLECK
Well, most of the stuff the lawyer said was bullshit, all just a distraction. Contract is true though, I mean you remember that time he carried on with the UCI IC title even though he was in a different fed because his contract said he could and it was iron clad and shit?
DAMON
Yeah. Geez!
Damon ducks as a pigeon flies nearby, looking terrified.
AFFLECK
Get yourself together!
DAMON
It was a pigeon man, I thought it might have been him.
AFFLECK
No. As I’m trying to tell you, it’s not going to be him. Right you know these contracts?
DAMON
Yeah
AFFLECK
They are super complicated when it comes down to him, he’s got so many riders and fucking stupid shit in there that he doesn’t know half the crap he has to do and not do. Basically he just shows up and does his thing, hoping that it fulfils the contract, he pretty much never reads them nowadays.
DAMON
OK. Goddamn it!
Damon jumps again as a kid stops them in the street, she smiles and asks for a picture.
AFFLECK
You’re scared of kids now?
DAMON
Shut up and take this would you? How are you little girl?
GIRL
My Daddy says you should go to hell and he can’t wait to see Kidsgrove kick your ass. Mommy loves you though, they had a fight.
DAMON
And where are your parents now?
GIRL
Just there, getting a hotdog - I asked if I could get a picture of you, Daddy wants to hurt you but Mommy is making sure he’s not going to come here.
DAMON
Oh. Well, er, how’s she doing that?
GIRL
I don’t know, she said that Daddy aint going to get no booty if he causes a ruckus in public. I hope he does though, he likes new shoes.
DAMON
Yes, yes, that’s exactly what it means.
Affleck has taken the picture by now and he comes back to the conversation.
AFFLECK
It means your mom isn’t going to fuck your dad tonight, ask them what that means and get out of here kid.
He rudely shoves the camera in the arms of the girl and gives her a dismissive gesture. She runs away crying.
DAMON
Well that was rude
AFFLECK
She could be a plant, you know Sam has guys all over the place, come on let’s go. Sooner we’re out of this town the better.
DAMON
How do you know he’s here anyway?
AFFLECK
I just know. He always comes to New York when shit goes bad - I just wish we didn’t have to work NYC this week. Goddamn Late Night Show always wanting me on.
DAMON
Dude makes me nervous, thank God the car’s still here.
Affleck and Damon both have a huge sigh of relief as they start walking more quickly to the car 100m away.
AFFLECK
Looks like we made i……
KIDSGROVE (O.S.)
You rat bastards!
AFFLECK & DAMON
Oh shit.
Kidsgrove comes flying out of a bar across the street, wielding a baseball bat. He sprints across the road, stopping traffic and climbing over cars, not giving a single fuck about his safety, eyes firmly fixed on Affleck and Damon - who are sprinting to their car as fast as they can.
DAMON
Oh shit man! I told you!
AFFLECK
This isn’t the time!
DAMON
When can it be the time? We’re dead soon!
AFFLECK
Just get in the fucking car!
They manage to get into the car and lock the doors just before Kidsgrove gets to them. He is pounding on the doors and windows, shouting obscenities.
AFFLECK
Drive! Come on!
DAMON
It won’t fucking start!
A smash as a baseball bat hits the window near Affleck’s face.
AFFLECK
Drive! Fuck!
The car roars to life as another smash happens, this time the rear window. Damon floors it and almost crashes a number of times as Kidsgrove is chasing after the car.
DAMON
Where did he come from?
AFFLECK
I don’t fucking know! He’s still chasing us!
DAMON
Fuck! What do we do?
AFFLECK
Keep driving man
DAMON
I told you this would happen man, I told you we shouldn’t do this shit!
AFFLECK
Shut up and drive! Let me think!
DAMON
I mean fuck, he’s pissed. He had a baseball bat.
AFFLECK
I know, it almost hit me in the fucking face! Just, let’s just get out of town and go see Dandy’s lawyer, he might have a save house or something we can use.
Meanwhile, Kidsgrove has stopped chasing, he is standing in the middle of the road hurling insults. Rage induced insults. Passer-bys are goggling at him as he does.
KIDSGROVE
Yeah you better run you fucking pussies! Next time I see you, you’re fucking dead! Hear me? Dead! You don’t do that to me, do you know who the fuck I am? Fuck! The fuck you looking at lady?
Kidsgrove is staring out some woman who is looking at him in revulsion. He is still superbly angry when LIAM NEESON enters the scene.
NEESON
I see you still have anger issues.
Kidsgrove immediately directs his ire to Liam Neeson
KIDSGROVE
What the fuck are you doing here Neeson?
NEESON
I figured you’d need some help, can we go somewhere to talk?
KIDSGROVE
Help with what? I fucking don’t need help to deal with these fucking idiots.
NEESON
Help with a hunt. I have some very particular set of skills, skills that I’ve acquired over a very long career. Just come with me, there’s a bar there - we can talk. Just put down the bat and walk away.
KIDSGROVE
Fine.
INT - IRISH PUB - BROADWAY
Kidsgrove reluctantly follows Neeson into the pub. When they walk in, most people stop and stare. Neeson scowls and Kidsgrove looks like he wants to punch every single one of them. They soon stop. Neeson asks for a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. They sit at the bar.
NEESON
First thing’s first. The hunt.
KIDSGROVE
Yeah?
NEESON
What colour is the person we’re going after?
KIDSGROVE
What the fuck, Neeson? What’s that got to do with anything? Is this about that time you went off and tried to kill some random black dude because you had a friend who was raped or something?
NEESON
Well, no. I’m not strictly a racist, everyone did it back then in the 80s, especially at home.
KIDSGROVE
Still doesn’t make it right man, fuck sake.
NEESON
The reason I am asking is the same reason I asked back then.
KIDSGROVE
What is it?
NEESON
Black people and white people go to different places. If we’re hunting for a black, we gotta check the chicken joints, hit the honky tonk bars, maybe the strip joints. If we’re hunting for white people, then we gotta hit places like Taco Bell and Jazz clubs.
KIDSGROVE
That’s still incredibly racist.
NEESON
Well what do you want? It works. I find people and find them easily, or at least people that look like them, I mean everyone does look the same after all. Now do you want my help or not?
KIDSGROVE
I don’t really need help, if they have any balls at all then they’ll turn up on Sunday like they are supposed to, then I can take all three of the little fucking shits out at the same time.
NEESON
3 on 1 doesn’t sound like good odds my friend.
KIDSGROVE
Well no, they need to bring more fucking people. Dandy needs more help than that Batman franchise killing fuck and the twat who should have been left on fucking Mars.
NEESON
Oh you got problems with Matt and Ben?
KIDSGROVE
You could say that, I mean have you ever been betrayed? Like truly betrayed by someone you love and someone you think a brother? Like completely crushed as if you have no other purpose in the world now other than to completely get revenge on everyone who wronged you?
NEESON
Yeah, but when I acted on it, 40 years later I’m racist.
KIDSGROVE
Ah yeah, forgot. Part of me wants to just forget, y’know? Just to fuching ignore the fact they were ever a thing, ignore the fact they were a big part of my life and shit. Ignore the fact that Matt Damon is a no talent moron and Ben Affleck is a fucking douche who makes everything about him. Maybe I should do that. You know what? Fuck it, from now on - nothing will affect me about them, they’re done for me, dead. I will erase them from my memory and.
Kidsgrove pauses, listening to the music on the jukebox. He then angrily stands up and shouts at the bar.
KIDSGROVE
Who the fuck put on I don’t wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith? You insensitive fucking bastards! Was it you?
Kidsgrove points at a couple in the corner, deeply in love.
KIDSGROVE
You little fuckers I.
Neeson intervenes before Kidsgrove gets over to them
NEESON
Calm down, calm, this is not the way to do it, they are just in love, clearly. It’s their song.
KIDSGROVE
Yeah but it’s also the soundtrack for Armageddon, incidentally the last time that twat Affleck was relevant. Guess who got him the part, Yeah, me. I did!
NEESON
You realise you’re sounding crazy right. You do realise you’re also on TMZ right now?
Neeson shows Kidsgrove the front page of TMZ headlined:
KIDSGROVE RUNS RIOT ON THE STREET, ATTACKS UNKNOWN MEN WITH BASEBALL BAT. DO WE HAVE ANOTHER RACE PROBLEM IN NEW YORK?
KIDSGROVE
What the fuck? I’m attacking Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, not black people.
NEESON
They don’t say this in the article, they’re unknown.
KIDSGROVE
You can clearly see them in the picture! You know what? Fuck them, I’m going to call my lawyer, get this whole thing sorted out.
NEESON
That would be inadvisable. Look I’ve already told you the only way to resolve this is to go on a hunt. Is it just those two you have to get? Or is there like someone else, like a kingpin or someone who has made them do this? In my experience there’s usually a hidden man behind it.
KIDSGROVE
That mother fucker.
NEESON
Who?
KIDSGROVE
Dandy. That mother fucker, that’s who.
NEESON
Who?
KIDSGROVE
Dandy DiVito, the ingenious fucking bastard. Of course. Batfleck and Damon wouldn’t do this if there wasn’t some sick sonofabitch making them do it, they wouldn’t do this on their own. They’re way too self serving and dense, they wouldn’t know how to. It’s all him.
NEESON
Who is this guy?
KIDSGROVE
He’s some jumped up fucking ex musician punk who now seems to want to absolutely destroy my life all because I’m just better than him, that’s who. The little fucking son of a bitch.
NEESON
Is he black?
KIDSGROVE
No, just wants to be. He’s such a fucking idiot and man, I’m pissed now. Outsmarted by a fucking moron. I tell you Liam Neeson, until he did this it was just business. I wanted to just defend the title, represent the US title with dignity and honour beating all comers and he just so happened to be the guy next in line. Then the little shit had to make it personal. I can take a beating, I can take him coming down and interfering in my matches with people like Lisa Foster. I can take being sneak attacked, dissed, mocked, belittled, inadvertently making someone rich, you know all that shit. I can take that because that’s part of the job, that’s part of being a champion. The challenger has to do these things to get under your skin and try and take the advantage because you are the man, you have a big ol’ target on your back and you have the gold. Hell I did the same, I said some things, I did some things just to get that competitive advantage because that’s part of the job.
When you go and fucking break up a family though, when you get brothers fighting brothers, when you interfere with the sanctity and bond of friendship and love, well then you just go and make it personal. I don’t like personal, personal is messy, personal is annoying, personal fucks me the fuck off. When you make it personal, I get angry, when I get angry I don’t accept the responsibility for my actions - the little fuckstick really has done it now. Before it was just about the title, I was going to go there, put on a show, win the match - hell even do the fucking pushups that those fucking clowns the BeachKrew are making us do, act all nice and just go out and win you know? Now, well, fuck all that shit - that’s out of the window. What I’m gonna do is knock the fucking prick out. I’m going to hurt him, break every bone he has, rip out his throat, put him in the fucking hospital so bad that he can’t send his lawyer to me. I’m going to make sure that the fucking prick can’t work again and take out his still beating heart, crushing that in front of his face - just like he did to me. And when that happens, I’m going to do it all again. Fair play to him though, he knew just where to hit me, he already knew that I beat him twice, he already knew he couldn’t match me physically and that I would go harder, faster, longer with more heart and desire than he can ever think of. So he went and hit the low blow. There is something to admire there, I suppose - some sort of twisted genius to it that some people would enjoy. Ol’ Sam Kidsgrove being torn apart by a genius move, taking away his family, sounds like a good plot to a movie right?
Well, no. It’s a plot to a really bad Kevin Smith movie with Batfleck and Mark Watney running around being toolbags and generally annoying the shit out of people. I mean yeah it was cute and funny in like 2000, but now it’s 20 years on and what the fuck is it all about? But that is pretty much right for someone who’s a cheap Eminem knockoff who couldn’t even get traction on soundcloud until I posted it on YouTube for him.
NEESON
What is Soundcloud?
KIDSGROVE
Does it even matter? Point is I made Dandy DiVito. I got him the music career cheques, I got him the fame and the accolades that go with it. I got him the drive and commitment to actually step up to the next level, after all, before me he was swimming in the midcard, defending his title against just complete randoms who shouldn’t be anywhere near a title match. I took the match, the spotlight was immediately on us, I elevated him, he’s in the position he is now because I gave him a good rub, he’s in the position he is now, going into a PPV with the buzz around him because I am creating that buzz. Let’s not forget wherever I go there is money, wherever I go. Now this kid comes to me and messes with my family? Fuck man, how disrespectful can you be? I paid this kid the ultimate respect, I told the Guardians that I would handle this alone and out of respect for him I would back off from the shit we got down with BeachKrew, purely because I have my hands full with this guy. That is the respect I gave him, I gave him the respect of giving a fuck and taking him seriously. He still goes and pulls this though. I dunno, maybe he thinks I wasn’t paying him enough attention still? Well He has it now. He has the attention and scrutiny that fucking weebs put on casting for live action remakes of crappy 90s anime and just as much outrage. Well at least him, Casey Affleck’s brother and the guy from Downsizing has anyway, I don’t care if it’s 3v1 on Sunday, I don’t care if they refuse to count, or cheat, or try to attack me, I don’t care, because they’re not going to be able to refuse a win when the other guy is unconscious, with a broken body, spirit and mind. They’re not going to be able to refuse a win when the other guy is begging to stop the match. If they try any of that shit, well, they just get the same treatment. As far as I’m aware it’s no DQ anyway - the only rule is to do shitty pushups, so if they do show - which I would highly not recommend for their own personal safety - they’re fair game, they can’t hide behind being the ref, or threatening to DQ - that shit isn’t gonna wash with me. Quite frankly Liam Neeson. I’m ready to suit up and go to war. I think it’s time for a bit of insurgency attitude.
NEESON
I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like we’re pumped. I don’t suppose you know where the closest KFC is? I need to go on the hunt.
KIDSGROVE
Dude, seriously, just stop.
FADE OUT
END