Twilight of the Gods (Not THAT Twilight)
Feb 25, 2018 1:44:44 GMT -5
Gravedigger and Bonnie Blue like this
Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2018 1:44:44 GMT -5
OOC Note: Just a quick note about color coding for this roleplay to make things easier to follow for the reader
This is Alex Richards
Corporal Adam Hobbs
Deputy Steve Calvin
Morris The Cameraman
Hope you all enjoy, best of luck Dion!
Just after the arrest
Alex waits calmly in the interrogation room. Just outside looking in on Alex from the next room sit the two cops from earlier. The senior cop barks at his younger partner taking the lead.
What do you think our strategy should be?
Get him to ask for Paul Rudd's autograph the next time he chokes him?
Younger cop chuckles
Real fucking professional! I'm thinking good cop, silent cop. So just keep your trap shut unless I say otherwise, okay?
Damn, I kinda wanted to talk with him.
Should have thought of that before acting like a smartass. Now you wait here and watch the prisoner.
The older cop exits the room and I decide to have some fun. You can't get arrested as many times as I have without knowing that the reason the cops always leave you in the interrogation room for awhile is because they want to watch you. So I figure let's give em a show, shall we? Now I know I'm strange, everyone knows I'm strange but I make strange work for me. I decide to flip over the long table I was sitting at. Then I remove my clothes and lay down in front of the table piling the clothes on top. Then I wait..
The veteran cop returns to the room and freaks out.
Why didn't you call me?
You told me to watch. I was watching.
You were watching him strip down and create a bunker? Are you stupid? Draw your weapon and cover me damnit.
Door flies open
Richards face on the floor hands above your head!!!!
I poke my head out
Any of you ever build a fort in an interrogation room?
The policemen look at each other in disbelief as Alex casually steps out. Several minutes later order is restored with Alex now seated at the reset table and the two officers not really knowing what to say.
You know how dangerous that was?
I regret nothing. I'm now a member of an elite group to have build themselves a fort in the police station? Can you say that? I don't think so.
Actually I did once. It was awesome!
See.. this guy gets it.
Go get us some coffee! Would you like some coffee Alex?
I could stand to wake up a little sure.
I'm Corporal Adam Hobbs, my partner getting the coffee is Deputy Steve Calvin.
I'm awful with names anyways but I'm great with Calvin and Hobbs jokes.
The cop seems speechless then finally musters a weak laugh.
Yeah.. they didn't work out very well for me the last time I tried them anyways so let's just skip it.
Wait.. you did what with a tiger?
If you don't know I'm not going to incriminate myself. Ain't my first time in jail you know.
I do know actually. You have a extremely lengthy list of arrests.
We don't really have time to talk about them but I want to mention the time I knocked out that bull and beat up those rodeo clowns. That was a good time.
At this point the deputy returns with the coffee. Alex takes a sip and quickly sips it out.
Are you trying to poison me? That coffee only had coffee in it!
The deputy responds defensively.
You said you wanted to wake up.
Yeah and that's what you gave me? Real coffee has at least a pint of whiskey and a bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce! Now that'll wake you up! C'mon.. you guys are cops.. you should know coffee!
Alright fine. Let's get down to business.
You want me to confess to beating up Evil Paul Rudd, right? Well... I did. I mean everyone saw me do it.
Why?
The senior officer mumbles at his partner to shut up.
Why?
First off... the minute I saw him I remembered I used to have metahuman powers so that means clearly he had something to do with my memory loss.
Memory loss?
Don't worry I'm not going to use that defense my memory came back and that's why I beat up Paul Rudd. I mean I don't go around beating up innocent people. I'm a Guardian.. I protect people.
So why did you assault Paul Rudd?
First off, he forced Nicky Tesla to perform surgery on my girlfriend that could have killed her.
Wait.. Nicola Tesla?
You know him? Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
From history text books.
Alright you don't know him. Well he isn't important right now anyways. Rudd also tried to take over the world that ring a bell? I mean he tried to kill me. But that doesn't really bother me. I mean I'm a Guardian. I've cheated death before. You do you think I wasn't worried when you guys pulled your guns on me. Being dead.. that ain't no thing. Shit, I cheated death, Bonnie Blue the leader of the Guardians cheated death. If you ain't cheating death you ain't a Guardian.
They wanted to charge me. They really did. But they knew I was going to be judged not guilty by reason of insanity. In spite of the fact everything I said and did are absolutely sane and reasonable. It's the rest of the world that's lost it's mind and gone insane. I'll bet you're wondering if this is the case why haven't I tried to set things right in the past several weeks. Good question. But the last time I tried that THEY almost had me locked up for years. You see, I didn't lose my family, the Guardians, my girlfriend, my powers by accident. Someone or something caused that to happen. So until I get to the bottom of things it's probably a good idea for me to lay low and act normal. Which in my case is act as crazy as possible. Easy right? But this week could be different. I have an idea that is both crazy and could work. The best of both worlds.
Action Wrestling send me a cameraman this week. Apparently they weren't too impressed that I got drunk, accidently broke the camera, and send them nothing but a drunken 45 second promo last week. It's better this way though. Now don't tell him but I actually like having a cameraman with me. Kind of reminds of me of the good old days when my brother used to man the camera during my adventures. This cameraman approaches and he looks nothing like my brother Zach, he's young, has blonde hair and a faux hawk. I don't approve of hawks, I'm more a falcon guy anyways so I get into position and..
AWWWW!
I slip on my green mask with the googly eyes on top with the green, red, black coloring with bone fragments sticking out of it and grab him by the throat. He jumps nearly a foot in the air. I laugh like a madman, like the madman some people believe I am in fact.
What the fudge! I could have dropped my camera! They make us pay for those!
They didn't make me pay for it.
That's because you're talent. Why exactly did you think you should jump out at me wearing a zombie Kermit The Frog mask?
Alex scoffs.
You know nothing. That isn't zombie Kermit the Frog. That's me before my first drink of the day! But most importantly. Were you scared?
Yes! Why did you do that? I never did anything to you. I never met you before.
Awesome! Don't worry Morris that wasn't personal. I just had to test it.. make sure it was scary enough to terrify Hajeet backstage!
Why would you do that?
He has a hilarious scream! Besides it's kind of our thing. I scare him. He threatens to make me meet his knees. A good time is had by all!
Okay that's weird.
Thanks for noticing.
My name isn't Morris! It's not even close to Morris! Why are you calling me Morris?
My brother Zach was my old cameraman. You are now my new cameraman. I was thinking of calling you Zach Junior but that would be too painful. Then I noticed the blonde hair and thought.. Zach Morris from saved by the bell! So that's why I'm calling you Morris.
I have to find a better job.
You're kidding, right? I mean what other job would allow you to set foot on a pirate ship?
Without waiting for a response.. Alex boards the massive Jolly Roger flagged ship docked in the harbor. Alex looks around, admiring the ship, even testing the plank briefly before frowning.
I knew I forgot something.
Alex wanders into the barracks, his black doctor's bag in hand and returns dressed in full classic pirate garb.
I don't understand this at all.
What? You were expecting me to dress like Captain Jack Sparrow? No way, gotta go with the classic old school Blackbeard pirate outfit. Keep it classy.
That's not it! Why are you dressed as a pirate? Why are we on a pirate ship? Did you steal this ship?
Well I am a pirate...
So.. we're committing a felony!
You sound just like my brother. Relax.. I'm only kidding. I've had enough legal troubles lately. This boat belongs to a fellow Pastafarian.
Pastawhat?
You're such a heathen. I'm sick of my opponent this week Dion Necurat cheating week in and week out. Every single week he has an unfair advantage. Every week he goes into battle literally possessed by a Greek God. You know how unfair of an advantage that is?
Morris is really shocked into silence. He has a deer in the headlights look.
Well I said no more! I think it's time I evened the odds! If Dion gets to have the god Dionysus fight his battles for him why then I'll just have to give him a taste of his own medicine! I'll get my own God to fight with me! I'll get the greatest god in the history of Gods! My God... the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
First off.. I don't believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Secondly even if I did.. why would he help you?
I'm glad you asked Morris. Not only I am a high priest of Pastafarianism. I have even married several people in full pirate ceremonies and given the celebratory pasta and rum dinners in his honor. The flying spaghetti monster is going to help me because we share a kinship. You don't remember this, nobody remembers this, but my metahuman power was the ability to make myself invisible. Well the flying spaghetti monster is an invisible noodly entity who created the world! That means that my powers could have been a gift from the God himself! If the flying spaghetti monster was going to help anyone.. especially against a cheating God trying to glorify himself by fighting against mortals.. than it's gonna be me! Now all I need is a fitting tribute to a god of his status
Alex gestures dramatically towards the massive tarped object in the middle of the boat. He removes the tarp with a flourish revealing a massive statue of the monster himself.
Alex looks confused and disappointed that his tribute didn't work. Then he slaps his forehead.
Of course he didn't come... I'm not wearing my religious headgear!
Yeah that has to be it. It's not because he isn't real!
To the galley!
Alex runs off into the direction of the kitchen and just as quickly sprints back now wearing a metal colander on his head. Suddenly his sprint slows. His stride and demeanor instantly take on a more regal, more refined, more godlike stance. He stops looks at the statue in what appears to be approval before being interrupted.
Umm Alex.. are you alright? Stop messing around..
This is how you address the one true God? Kneel before his noodlyness or perish you insolent swine!
Flying Spaghetti Monster inside the body of Alex Richards lets out a huge belly laugh.
I had you going didn't I? C'mon.. I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster you really think I'm all about that life? Have yourself a bowl of pasta, smoke some ganja, and watch me do my thing.
I always knew this day was going to come. That's why I had to answer the call when my priest Alex Richards called me to aid him in battle against Dionysus. I've been waiting for this for a long, long time. As everyone knows I created the universe one day while really really drunk. But I have a confession to make I didn't create the Greek Gods while I was drunk.. I did it while I was smoking meth. Which is why it's now illegal and frowned upon by most people. Because if it would inspire something as vile as Dionysus it's clearly something no one should mess with. I knew one day I was going to have to clean up my mess and smite him like a good god should. But let's be real... I'm a lazy Flying Spaghetti Monster. Fortunately people wised up and rightfully stopped worshipping Dionysus. His religion died off. Then some fool named Dion Necurat just had to bring him back. I couldn't have worshipped me like a normal people would. Shit he could have even worshipped the Christian God that would even be an improvement. No, he had to go and not only worship but bring back that Greek blight on humanity Dionysus to life. Now this.. this I can not stand for. You may have brought him back Dion, but I, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will be the one to end Dionysus's tyranny forever! Quite frankly Dionysus.. I'm pissed off. I was perfectly happy in Pastafarian heaven sword fighting with Long John Silver while comparing fish recipes until I had to come to Earth.
F.S.R seems to be getting more and more pissed off.
Now why did I have to do that you might ask. Because Dionysus decided to possess a human and wreck havoc on Earth! Well not on my watch! This Monday on Clash I can't wait to wrap my noodly appendages around Dionysus's throat and just choke and choke and choke the God right out of him. I will beat Dionysus until he flees the body he has possessed and goes back to whatever half assed version of Greek God Hell he escaped from! Do you know why he chose you, Dion? Do you? He chose you because he saw himself in you. That's not a compliment! You're both washed up, forgotten and desperate to be relevant again. But neither of you should be. Because nether of you truly have anything to offer to anyone!
Dion I'll let you in on the poorest kept secret of them all. Alex Richards doesn't need my help to defeat you. The mere fact you felt you needed Dionysus to fight your battles for you says everything about you. Alex Richards was not only world champion of the UCI, but he was the first dominant champion of the UCI. A still respected champion of the UCI. World champion of the year for the first year of the UCI in fact. Dion was also a champion. But his title reign is merely an answer to a trivia question. He was really WCF world champion? Really, I forgot all about that. Because your title reign was a fluke. It was a fluke and everyone knows it. So you made a deal with a God that was similar to you making a deal with the devil. You got help during your matches which you solely needed to try and stay relevant and Dionysus got the chance to get back in the spotlight. But neither of you really know what you got yourselves into now do you? You failed in your bid to be UCI champion, a bid no one felt you even deserved, you failed to retain the WCF world title. You know why? Gaze upon the statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and you will know why.
You see that? The Flying Spaghetti Monster has huge meatballs! Alex Richards has huge meatballs. You, Dion.. have absolutely no balls at all! When Alex Richards loses a match he comes back stronger the next week. He learns from his losses. He uses them to improve. But you don't do that do you Dion? No, instead of taking your losses like a man and using them to motivate you.. you got a God to possess you and used his Godlike strength instead to cheat. That's right.. allowing Dionysus to cohabit your body is basically admitting you aren't man enough to do things on your own! The fact that you basically quit on yourself, that you gave up trying to get any better and simply took the easy way out says all we need to know about you Necurat. When things get tough you rely on someone else to fight your battle for you. Back in the day it was the Brotherhood, the group you joined. But they couldn't save you from your average at best self could they. So you decided you needed a God instead. Well you picked the wrong God! Dion truly thinks that Dionysus is going to inspire him to greatness.. just like he did the ancient Greeks.
Another monster laugh!
Good one. But when you look at the ancient Greeks a little and you look at Dionysus himself you see exactly why he so richly deserves the punishment I'm about to give him. Pastafarianism stands for piracy, rum, spaghetti eating, colander wearing and most importantly the rejection of all dogma! The people who worshipped Dionysus.. what were they up to exactly? Your people Dionysus is it not true that they wiped themselves using stones? What's up with that? Do you think when Alex gets the Zim-Quila shits he goes looking for a sharp rock? No wonder the ancient Greeks worshipped you.. they clearly weren't that smart! People claim they were the creators of modern medicine?
That's like saying the first guy to take a giant dump created Taco Bell! Your so called Greek doctors used to figure out what was wrong with their patients by drinking their pee. No, seriously look it up it's true! Wiping with rocks, drinking pee.. the Flying Spaghetti monster does not approve of a culture that sounds like the weirdest, shadiest porno movie ever! I don't judge the ancient Greeks too harshly, for that at least, they were a product of their time. But you.. you Dion Necurat.. you have the advantage of living in modern, more enlightened times. Yet you still choose to worship an outdated, backwards poor excuse for a God! Maybe that's because of your many shortcomings as a man. You needed a god who wouldn't overshadow you. In that fact congratulations you totally succeeded! You have had a god aid you in both of your battles in action wrestling and you are only one and one. That means Roy Speede is better then the Greek God Dionysus.
Yeah, that sounds about right. It also means that your great god is only better then half of those so called puny little humans. What kind of crappy Greek God are you anyways? Getting beaten up by humans.. you make a mockery out of godhood Dionysus! All because your ego couldn't take that there wasn't any stupid enough to worship you anymore! Well don't worry Dion is stupid enough to believe in you. Seriously how pathetic can Necurat be to honestly believe that becoming Dionysus is actually an improvement? You had better hope that Odin Balfore never shows up Dionysus. He eats crappy Gods like you for breakfast. The Flying Spaghetti monster is only going to kick your ass, get you drunk, and take them incriminating video of you dancing horribly. Metaphorically of course. I'm going to show you what a real party god is all about and sending you running away from earth like the scared little God you are. I mean seriously? Do you think the God of Wine has a chance against The Flying Spaghetti monster? Alex Richards pounds Zim-Quila... I prefer classic old black rum. But you... you drink wine like some teenage age girl! Congratulations Dionysus... you're the God of White Girl Wasted! I was going to say I only wanted to take your pride and not your life. But I don't think I can even do that. Clearly the patron saint of woooo girls has no real pride in his work as a god if that's what he's inspiring. And as for Dion if he had any pride he would do things on his own into of hooking up with the “great” Dionysus. You're a joke among Gods Dionysus and you have become a joke among wrestlers Dion Necurat. You know what Dionysus's biggest celebration used to be?
Once a year to honor their God the followers of Dionysus would have a festival where they paraded around town carrying giant fake penises over their head, singing songs and telling jokes about dicks. Their tribute to you was getting drunk off their asses and playing with fake penises? Your celebration is as useless as you Dionysus! Dion for some reason choose to bring you back? He chose to worship you? Once upon a time you were the God of Wine. Now all you are is the godfather of dildos. Well I invite you to bring all of your fake penises to the ring this week! Bring your dildos, your strap ons, your vibrators.. bring all the cocks you want. You can even bring a rooster! Because of all those fake penises stand about as much chance of saving Dion as his lackluster wrestling skill does! The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one true creator God! Alex Richards is the one true United States Champion! And with or without the help of a laughable deity you will always come up short against Alex or me Dion! Dionysus is the perfect God for you Dion.. overshadowed and overmatched in every way. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only God worth having. Unlike other God I don't ask people to fight or kill in my name. I'm a freaking God.. if I want to I can fight my own battles. Dionysus.. you ain't nothing but an impasta! And like a delicious plate of lasagna I'll cut you up and devour you.
You're going to eat him?
No! Not literally! It's a metaphor. I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster.. I'm talking about eating pasta.Forget it! I'm going to destroy Dionysus.. that's the basic message! I was trying to deliver it with some flare! You're no fun at all!
Suddenly the real Alex returns.
First off.. I want to say what an honor it is to have the Flying Spaghetti Monster inside me this week. Sure I would be able to beat Dionysus on my own. Shit I could not only kick his ass in a wrestling match but in a drinking contest as well and I don't think either would be close! But it isn't just about kicking his ass it's about sending Dion a message about messing with the Gods. It's about showing him what a REAL god can do! But I have a boon to request of you. My metahuman power used to be
I'm the monster.. I know everything.
Whew.. that's a relief. This will save time. Well my power of going invisible is sort of like your power of going invisible.
The monster chuckles.
Sorry Alex.. I don't become invisible.. I simply am invisible.
Alex sighs
Worth a shot. It's alright though. You may not be able to help me get my powers back but you can help me make sure for Dionysus that this is his twilight of the Gods. By the time this is over he'll wish it was sparkly vampires or guys pretending to be girls because that would actually be less painful for him!
This is Alex Richards
Corporal Adam Hobbs
Deputy Steve Calvin
Morris The Cameraman
Hope you all enjoy, best of luck Dion!
Just after the arrest
Alex waits calmly in the interrogation room. Just outside looking in on Alex from the next room sit the two cops from earlier. The senior cop barks at his younger partner taking the lead.
What do you think our strategy should be?
Get him to ask for Paul Rudd's autograph the next time he chokes him?
Younger cop chuckles
Real fucking professional! I'm thinking good cop, silent cop. So just keep your trap shut unless I say otherwise, okay?
Damn, I kinda wanted to talk with him.
Should have thought of that before acting like a smartass. Now you wait here and watch the prisoner.
The older cop exits the room and I decide to have some fun. You can't get arrested as many times as I have without knowing that the reason the cops always leave you in the interrogation room for awhile is because they want to watch you. So I figure let's give em a show, shall we? Now I know I'm strange, everyone knows I'm strange but I make strange work for me. I decide to flip over the long table I was sitting at. Then I remove my clothes and lay down in front of the table piling the clothes on top. Then I wait..
The veteran cop returns to the room and freaks out.
Why didn't you call me?
You told me to watch. I was watching.
You were watching him strip down and create a bunker? Are you stupid? Draw your weapon and cover me damnit.
Door flies open
Richards face on the floor hands above your head!!!!
I poke my head out
Any of you ever build a fort in an interrogation room?
The policemen look at each other in disbelief as Alex casually steps out. Several minutes later order is restored with Alex now seated at the reset table and the two officers not really knowing what to say.
You know how dangerous that was?
I regret nothing. I'm now a member of an elite group to have build themselves a fort in the police station? Can you say that? I don't think so.
Actually I did once. It was awesome!
See.. this guy gets it.
Go get us some coffee! Would you like some coffee Alex?
I could stand to wake up a little sure.
I'm Corporal Adam Hobbs, my partner getting the coffee is Deputy Steve Calvin.
I'm awful with names anyways but I'm great with Calvin and Hobbs jokes.
The cop seems speechless then finally musters a weak laugh.
Yeah.. they didn't work out very well for me the last time I tried them anyways so let's just skip it.
Wait.. you did what with a tiger?
If you don't know I'm not going to incriminate myself. Ain't my first time in jail you know.
I do know actually. You have a extremely lengthy list of arrests.
We don't really have time to talk about them but I want to mention the time I knocked out that bull and beat up those rodeo clowns. That was a good time.
At this point the deputy returns with the coffee. Alex takes a sip and quickly sips it out.
Are you trying to poison me? That coffee only had coffee in it!
The deputy responds defensively.
You said you wanted to wake up.
Yeah and that's what you gave me? Real coffee has at least a pint of whiskey and a bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce! Now that'll wake you up! C'mon.. you guys are cops.. you should know coffee!
Alright fine. Let's get down to business.
You want me to confess to beating up Evil Paul Rudd, right? Well... I did. I mean everyone saw me do it.
Why?
The senior officer mumbles at his partner to shut up.
Why?
First off... the minute I saw him I remembered I used to have metahuman powers so that means clearly he had something to do with my memory loss.
Memory loss?
Don't worry I'm not going to use that defense my memory came back and that's why I beat up Paul Rudd. I mean I don't go around beating up innocent people. I'm a Guardian.. I protect people.
So why did you assault Paul Rudd?
First off, he forced Nicky Tesla to perform surgery on my girlfriend that could have killed her.
Wait.. Nicola Tesla?
You know him? Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
From history text books.
Alright you don't know him. Well he isn't important right now anyways. Rudd also tried to take over the world that ring a bell? I mean he tried to kill me. But that doesn't really bother me. I mean I'm a Guardian. I've cheated death before. You do you think I wasn't worried when you guys pulled your guns on me. Being dead.. that ain't no thing. Shit, I cheated death, Bonnie Blue the leader of the Guardians cheated death. If you ain't cheating death you ain't a Guardian.
They wanted to charge me. They really did. But they knew I was going to be judged not guilty by reason of insanity. In spite of the fact everything I said and did are absolutely sane and reasonable. It's the rest of the world that's lost it's mind and gone insane. I'll bet you're wondering if this is the case why haven't I tried to set things right in the past several weeks. Good question. But the last time I tried that THEY almost had me locked up for years. You see, I didn't lose my family, the Guardians, my girlfriend, my powers by accident. Someone or something caused that to happen. So until I get to the bottom of things it's probably a good idea for me to lay low and act normal. Which in my case is act as crazy as possible. Easy right? But this week could be different. I have an idea that is both crazy and could work. The best of both worlds.
Action Wrestling send me a cameraman this week. Apparently they weren't too impressed that I got drunk, accidently broke the camera, and send them nothing but a drunken 45 second promo last week. It's better this way though. Now don't tell him but I actually like having a cameraman with me. Kind of reminds of me of the good old days when my brother used to man the camera during my adventures. This cameraman approaches and he looks nothing like my brother Zach, he's young, has blonde hair and a faux hawk. I don't approve of hawks, I'm more a falcon guy anyways so I get into position and..
AWWWW!
I slip on my green mask with the googly eyes on top with the green, red, black coloring with bone fragments sticking out of it and grab him by the throat. He jumps nearly a foot in the air. I laugh like a madman, like the madman some people believe I am in fact.
What the fudge! I could have dropped my camera! They make us pay for those!
They didn't make me pay for it.
That's because you're talent. Why exactly did you think you should jump out at me wearing a zombie Kermit The Frog mask?
Alex scoffs.
You know nothing. That isn't zombie Kermit the Frog. That's me before my first drink of the day! But most importantly. Were you scared?
Yes! Why did you do that? I never did anything to you. I never met you before.
Awesome! Don't worry Morris that wasn't personal. I just had to test it.. make sure it was scary enough to terrify Hajeet backstage!
Why would you do that?
He has a hilarious scream! Besides it's kind of our thing. I scare him. He threatens to make me meet his knees. A good time is had by all!
Okay that's weird.
Thanks for noticing.
My name isn't Morris! It's not even close to Morris! Why are you calling me Morris?
My brother Zach was my old cameraman. You are now my new cameraman. I was thinking of calling you Zach Junior but that would be too painful. Then I noticed the blonde hair and thought.. Zach Morris from saved by the bell! So that's why I'm calling you Morris.
I have to find a better job.
You're kidding, right? I mean what other job would allow you to set foot on a pirate ship?
Without waiting for a response.. Alex boards the massive Jolly Roger flagged ship docked in the harbor. Alex looks around, admiring the ship, even testing the plank briefly before frowning.
I knew I forgot something.
Alex wanders into the barracks, his black doctor's bag in hand and returns dressed in full classic pirate garb.
I don't understand this at all.
What? You were expecting me to dress like Captain Jack Sparrow? No way, gotta go with the classic old school Blackbeard pirate outfit. Keep it classy.
That's not it! Why are you dressed as a pirate? Why are we on a pirate ship? Did you steal this ship?
Well I am a pirate...
So.. we're committing a felony!
You sound just like my brother. Relax.. I'm only kidding. I've had enough legal troubles lately. This boat belongs to a fellow Pastafarian.
Pastawhat?
You're such a heathen. I'm sick of my opponent this week Dion Necurat cheating week in and week out. Every single week he has an unfair advantage. Every week he goes into battle literally possessed by a Greek God. You know how unfair of an advantage that is?
Morris is really shocked into silence. He has a deer in the headlights look.
Well I said no more! I think it's time I evened the odds! If Dion gets to have the god Dionysus fight his battles for him why then I'll just have to give him a taste of his own medicine! I'll get my own God to fight with me! I'll get the greatest god in the history of Gods! My God... the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
First off.. I don't believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Secondly even if I did.. why would he help you?
I'm glad you asked Morris. Not only I am a high priest of Pastafarianism. I have even married several people in full pirate ceremonies and given the celebratory pasta and rum dinners in his honor. The flying spaghetti monster is going to help me because we share a kinship. You don't remember this, nobody remembers this, but my metahuman power was the ability to make myself invisible. Well the flying spaghetti monster is an invisible noodly entity who created the world! That means that my powers could have been a gift from the God himself! If the flying spaghetti monster was going to help anyone.. especially against a cheating God trying to glorify himself by fighting against mortals.. than it's gonna be me! Now all I need is a fitting tribute to a god of his status
Alex gestures dramatically towards the massive tarped object in the middle of the boat. He removes the tarp with a flourish revealing a massive statue of the monster himself.
Alex looks confused and disappointed that his tribute didn't work. Then he slaps his forehead.
Of course he didn't come... I'm not wearing my religious headgear!
Yeah that has to be it. It's not because he isn't real!
To the galley!
Alex runs off into the direction of the kitchen and just as quickly sprints back now wearing a metal colander on his head. Suddenly his sprint slows. His stride and demeanor instantly take on a more regal, more refined, more godlike stance. He stops looks at the statue in what appears to be approval before being interrupted.
Umm Alex.. are you alright? Stop messing around..
This is how you address the one true God? Kneel before his noodlyness or perish you insolent swine!
Flying Spaghetti Monster inside the body of Alex Richards lets out a huge belly laugh.
I had you going didn't I? C'mon.. I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster you really think I'm all about that life? Have yourself a bowl of pasta, smoke some ganja, and watch me do my thing.
I always knew this day was going to come. That's why I had to answer the call when my priest Alex Richards called me to aid him in battle against Dionysus. I've been waiting for this for a long, long time. As everyone knows I created the universe one day while really really drunk. But I have a confession to make I didn't create the Greek Gods while I was drunk.. I did it while I was smoking meth. Which is why it's now illegal and frowned upon by most people. Because if it would inspire something as vile as Dionysus it's clearly something no one should mess with. I knew one day I was going to have to clean up my mess and smite him like a good god should. But let's be real... I'm a lazy Flying Spaghetti Monster. Fortunately people wised up and rightfully stopped worshipping Dionysus. His religion died off. Then some fool named Dion Necurat just had to bring him back. I couldn't have worshipped me like a normal people would. Shit he could have even worshipped the Christian God that would even be an improvement. No, he had to go and not only worship but bring back that Greek blight on humanity Dionysus to life. Now this.. this I can not stand for. You may have brought him back Dion, but I, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will be the one to end Dionysus's tyranny forever! Quite frankly Dionysus.. I'm pissed off. I was perfectly happy in Pastafarian heaven sword fighting with Long John Silver while comparing fish recipes until I had to come to Earth.
F.S.R seems to be getting more and more pissed off.
Now why did I have to do that you might ask. Because Dionysus decided to possess a human and wreck havoc on Earth! Well not on my watch! This Monday on Clash I can't wait to wrap my noodly appendages around Dionysus's throat and just choke and choke and choke the God right out of him. I will beat Dionysus until he flees the body he has possessed and goes back to whatever half assed version of Greek God Hell he escaped from! Do you know why he chose you, Dion? Do you? He chose you because he saw himself in you. That's not a compliment! You're both washed up, forgotten and desperate to be relevant again. But neither of you should be. Because nether of you truly have anything to offer to anyone!
Dion I'll let you in on the poorest kept secret of them all. Alex Richards doesn't need my help to defeat you. The mere fact you felt you needed Dionysus to fight your battles for you says everything about you. Alex Richards was not only world champion of the UCI, but he was the first dominant champion of the UCI. A still respected champion of the UCI. World champion of the year for the first year of the UCI in fact. Dion was also a champion. But his title reign is merely an answer to a trivia question. He was really WCF world champion? Really, I forgot all about that. Because your title reign was a fluke. It was a fluke and everyone knows it. So you made a deal with a God that was similar to you making a deal with the devil. You got help during your matches which you solely needed to try and stay relevant and Dionysus got the chance to get back in the spotlight. But neither of you really know what you got yourselves into now do you? You failed in your bid to be UCI champion, a bid no one felt you even deserved, you failed to retain the WCF world title. You know why? Gaze upon the statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and you will know why.
You see that? The Flying Spaghetti Monster has huge meatballs! Alex Richards has huge meatballs. You, Dion.. have absolutely no balls at all! When Alex Richards loses a match he comes back stronger the next week. He learns from his losses. He uses them to improve. But you don't do that do you Dion? No, instead of taking your losses like a man and using them to motivate you.. you got a God to possess you and used his Godlike strength instead to cheat. That's right.. allowing Dionysus to cohabit your body is basically admitting you aren't man enough to do things on your own! The fact that you basically quit on yourself, that you gave up trying to get any better and simply took the easy way out says all we need to know about you Necurat. When things get tough you rely on someone else to fight your battle for you. Back in the day it was the Brotherhood, the group you joined. But they couldn't save you from your average at best self could they. So you decided you needed a God instead. Well you picked the wrong God! Dion truly thinks that Dionysus is going to inspire him to greatness.. just like he did the ancient Greeks.
Another monster laugh!
Good one. But when you look at the ancient Greeks a little and you look at Dionysus himself you see exactly why he so richly deserves the punishment I'm about to give him. Pastafarianism stands for piracy, rum, spaghetti eating, colander wearing and most importantly the rejection of all dogma! The people who worshipped Dionysus.. what were they up to exactly? Your people Dionysus is it not true that they wiped themselves using stones? What's up with that? Do you think when Alex gets the Zim-Quila shits he goes looking for a sharp rock? No wonder the ancient Greeks worshipped you.. they clearly weren't that smart! People claim they were the creators of modern medicine?
That's like saying the first guy to take a giant dump created Taco Bell! Your so called Greek doctors used to figure out what was wrong with their patients by drinking their pee. No, seriously look it up it's true! Wiping with rocks, drinking pee.. the Flying Spaghetti monster does not approve of a culture that sounds like the weirdest, shadiest porno movie ever! I don't judge the ancient Greeks too harshly, for that at least, they were a product of their time. But you.. you Dion Necurat.. you have the advantage of living in modern, more enlightened times. Yet you still choose to worship an outdated, backwards poor excuse for a God! Maybe that's because of your many shortcomings as a man. You needed a god who wouldn't overshadow you. In that fact congratulations you totally succeeded! You have had a god aid you in both of your battles in action wrestling and you are only one and one. That means Roy Speede is better then the Greek God Dionysus.
Yeah, that sounds about right. It also means that your great god is only better then half of those so called puny little humans. What kind of crappy Greek God are you anyways? Getting beaten up by humans.. you make a mockery out of godhood Dionysus! All because your ego couldn't take that there wasn't any stupid enough to worship you anymore! Well don't worry Dion is stupid enough to believe in you. Seriously how pathetic can Necurat be to honestly believe that becoming Dionysus is actually an improvement? You had better hope that Odin Balfore never shows up Dionysus. He eats crappy Gods like you for breakfast. The Flying Spaghetti monster is only going to kick your ass, get you drunk, and take them incriminating video of you dancing horribly. Metaphorically of course. I'm going to show you what a real party god is all about and sending you running away from earth like the scared little God you are. I mean seriously? Do you think the God of Wine has a chance against The Flying Spaghetti monster? Alex Richards pounds Zim-Quila... I prefer classic old black rum. But you... you drink wine like some teenage age girl! Congratulations Dionysus... you're the God of White Girl Wasted! I was going to say I only wanted to take your pride and not your life. But I don't think I can even do that. Clearly the patron saint of woooo girls has no real pride in his work as a god if that's what he's inspiring. And as for Dion if he had any pride he would do things on his own into of hooking up with the “great” Dionysus. You're a joke among Gods Dionysus and you have become a joke among wrestlers Dion Necurat. You know what Dionysus's biggest celebration used to be?
Once a year to honor their God the followers of Dionysus would have a festival where they paraded around town carrying giant fake penises over their head, singing songs and telling jokes about dicks. Their tribute to you was getting drunk off their asses and playing with fake penises? Your celebration is as useless as you Dionysus! Dion for some reason choose to bring you back? He chose to worship you? Once upon a time you were the God of Wine. Now all you are is the godfather of dildos. Well I invite you to bring all of your fake penises to the ring this week! Bring your dildos, your strap ons, your vibrators.. bring all the cocks you want. You can even bring a rooster! Because of all those fake penises stand about as much chance of saving Dion as his lackluster wrestling skill does! The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one true creator God! Alex Richards is the one true United States Champion! And with or without the help of a laughable deity you will always come up short against Alex or me Dion! Dionysus is the perfect God for you Dion.. overshadowed and overmatched in every way. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only God worth having. Unlike other God I don't ask people to fight or kill in my name. I'm a freaking God.. if I want to I can fight my own battles. Dionysus.. you ain't nothing but an impasta! And like a delicious plate of lasagna I'll cut you up and devour you.
You're going to eat him?
No! Not literally! It's a metaphor. I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster.. I'm talking about eating pasta.Forget it! I'm going to destroy Dionysus.. that's the basic message! I was trying to deliver it with some flare! You're no fun at all!
Suddenly the real Alex returns.
First off.. I want to say what an honor it is to have the Flying Spaghetti Monster inside me this week. Sure I would be able to beat Dionysus on my own. Shit I could not only kick his ass in a wrestling match but in a drinking contest as well and I don't think either would be close! But it isn't just about kicking his ass it's about sending Dion a message about messing with the Gods. It's about showing him what a REAL god can do! But I have a boon to request of you. My metahuman power used to be
I'm the monster.. I know everything.
Whew.. that's a relief. This will save time. Well my power of going invisible is sort of like your power of going invisible.
The monster chuckles.
Sorry Alex.. I don't become invisible.. I simply am invisible.
Alex sighs
Worth a shot. It's alright though. You may not be able to help me get my powers back but you can help me make sure for Dionysus that this is his twilight of the Gods. By the time this is over he'll wish it was sparkly vampires or guys pretending to be girls because that would actually be less painful for him!