Post by Sam Kidsgrove on Feb 3, 2019 17:01:42 GMT -5
What the hell?
By What Ever
Writen by Who Cares?
FADE IN
Oscar’s rehearsal - Dolby Theatre - LA.
SAM KIDSGROVE, your global champion, MATT DAMON, All around general Boston Strong and BEN AFFLECK, former Batrman, are on hosting duties at the Oscars this year. They are taking a break in the green room.
AFFLECK
So how exactly are we hosting this again? Thought we said no, like many times.
KIDSGROVE
You quit as Batfleck, Matt hasn’t starred in a decent movie in 2018
AFFLECK
Try since 2010
DAMON
Hey! At least I was in a Marvel movie!
AFFLECK
Look, fake Loki doesn’t count, like I’ve said a million times! I mean I was a better Loki than you!
KIDSGROVE
What? You haven’t played Loki, like ever.
AFFLECK
Er, Dogma?
Kidsgrove and Damon laugh hysterically, this is a massive source of amusement to them.
KIDSGROVE
That was Matt, dumbass.
AFFLECK
Are you sure?
KIDSGROVE
Yeah, did your rehab screw you up? You were Bartleby. Matt was Loki.
DAMON
Ya, I’ve played Loki like twice now bruh. You could say I’m definitive - way better than Hiddleston. You’ll always be my Batman though bro.
AFFLECK
Shut up
KIDSGROVE
Anyway, point is none of us had a film good enough to be in contendership this year, so I agreed to host for all of us. Why? Because now I’m Mr International and the US champion, I’m practically the World champion. So it’s a big deal for them and AW. So the uppers at AW asked me to do it as a favour.
AFFLECK
Sweetener?
KIDSGROVE
Extra pay, they also want me to be like one of the faces of the company or some shit, yadda yadda. You know the score.
AFFLECK
Yeah, make sure you get image rights. I mean whenever a Batman figure is sold.
DAMON
Which never happens, no one likes Batfleck.
AFFLECK
And Downsizing was good was it?
DAMON
Hey man, it made a very important point in this day of consumption
AFFLECK
Yeah, the point to not go watch you. It was a good point to be made, sure but man - too on the nose.
KIDSGROVE
Really guys? You go round in circles on this, like every single time.
AFFLECK
Who poked your cage anyway? What, now you have an actual real title you are qualified to talk? How did you get that by the way?
DAMON
Think he begged for a shot and got the guy on an off day or something. Who knows?
KIDSGROVE
Hey! Dandy is a tough competitor, he knows his way around a ring and is a very dangerous man. I mean he almost had me, like this close. But as you know, you have to have desire, heart, guts and determination to be a champion in life - I had more of that on the day than he did. That’s all it was.
DAMON
You crushed him, basically, that’s what you’re sayin.
KIDSGROVE
Well, no. I have far too much respect for.
AFFLECK
Stop with the bullshit, let’s face it, the guy thought he was big leagues and he found out he isn’t now he finally came up against someone who knows his way around a ring.
DAMON (To Kidsgrove)
Bet he compares it to Batman
AFFLECK
It’s like when two Face thought he was a big league lawyer and tried to take on the Joker, then got his ass taken out. It just wasn’t meant to be.
Kidsgrove hands Damon $10
DAMON
That wasn’t even your batman! That was Bale!
AFFLECK
Was it? I don’t remember. What I do remember is Downsizing was billed as a fucking comedy and it was about as funny as a Dandy diss track.
DAMON
They are laughably bad though, so whatever - I’m a comedy genius.
KIDSGROVE
Fine, OK so Dandy thought he was a big shot, he won the US title, he defended it a couple of times and made the big leagues, I did exactly what I said I’d do and take my title back. You have to give him credit for at least giving it a go, I mean yeah I told him to bring 115% because that’s the only way to beat me and he brought 110%. He still did better than anyone gave him credit for and he’s genuinely impressed me. Granted he’s got a way to go before he will beat me but if he comes back for round two then I’m more than happy to take him out again. Granted, the AW hierarchy are too busy booking us in for random 6 man tag matches, adding in weirdos and degenerates to face rather than trying to give him another opportunity. Such is the way they are.
I mean in what possible universe does Rose and Ace DIllinger come up against the Guardians? In what world does the Ultimate Destroyer come into this? It’s all mad. Ace Dillinger is some porn star musician crazy emo kid or something, which is apt I suppose, he can team with Dandy and they can create shit music together while they both get fucked. To be honest I might just ask Claire if she’s OK with the Ultimate Destroyer to just run through everyone as much as possible while we talk about our feelings and shit.
DAMON
Yeah, what’s happening with you two?
KIDSGROVE
Who knows? It’s all very tense, we’ve not spoken for a while. She’s a little annoyed by the US title shenanigans I think, beating her has pissed her off a little and she was already annoyed as fuck beforehand. Now she’s just blanking me completely. Before I could be in a room with her and she’s gabbing off to me and telling me I’m a prick and all sorts, which is fine. But now? Nothing. That’s a little more concerning I think. I wouldn’t mind if L was in the match too, but the Ultimate Destroyer? That’s a whole ball of random crap happening. I just don’t understand the match at all. I mean honestly.
DAMON
Maybe they’re trying to put a bunch of people who don’t like each other in a pressure cooker situation and fight each other, giving them ratings and making you guys hate each other that little bit more?
KIDSGROVE
That’s more perceptive of you than usual, you’re normally an idiot.
DAMON
I’ve a very free thinking and thought provoking erudite gentleman thank you!
AFFLECK
Keep telling yourself that, Downsizing was still shit.
DAMON
Shit off, crap Daredevil.
KIDSGROVE
So right, Ace Dillinger. Claire kicked his ass at Revolution. While I was getting ready to beat that idiot Dandy to get my title back, she was busy kicking the ever living shit out of Ace. It wasn’t even funny just how much of a beatdown she gave him. It was brutal. So much so that I don’t even know why he’d show up to this. If he does then he really lives the S&M lifestyle that he got from boning all that time in those pornos. Claire won’t let up on him, she’ll take him out and if not then I will. Hell, we can pull the big old fucking string on the back of the Ultimate Destroyer’s back and let him go after them himself, the mad crazy shitbag. Ace is one of those people who really can do something if he puts his mind to it. However he’s way too busy thinking about other shit like porno, music or being emo, so where is he really? It’s not like me or Claire, where we’re laser focussed on winning. Focussed on making the Guardians the number 1 faction in this business again and making sure that the world knows who we are. The Guardians hold 3 titles right now, out of 7. That’s almost half the titles available in this federation owned by us. Yet we’re still not “main event”? We’re still having to fight in random matches against a bunch of losers and nobodies? We’re still having to face people like Rose and fucking Ace Dillinger. It’s a travesty man. I mean we’re on the cusp of something great here, we’re ready to take to the next level, to go and take that world title, to take out FightSmart and BeachKrew and here I am, stuck fighting with a madman in my corner against Larry, Curly and fucking Mo. I don’t get it, what do we even have to do? Sure Dandy is a hot young up and comer who has a great career ahead of him, he’s a future world champion maybe. After I retire at least. As long as I am around he’s going to be at best the number 2 guy in the organisation, because he’s simply not as good as I am. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s true. Not until the guy gets some balls, gets some heart and learns that he needs to throw everything to this business in order to succeed. Just because he’ll be out worked, out hustled and out fought by people like me. That’s the main thing. Hopefully one day he’ll learn from it, in fact I sincerely hope he does. I hope one day he figures it out, one day he gets the determination, the eye of the tiger and the heart and drive to beat me. On that day I’ll look upon him with fondness, knowing that I drove him to be better, that I drove him to pull everything out and leave it all in the ring and finally win. On that day I’ll be actually proud of him, like a mentor, like Pacino in Any Given Sunday when he looked at Jamie Foxx, you know that kind of thing. I’m not going to make it easy for him though, I’ll keep going, I’ll fight, I’ll make him work for it and never give up, never give in and make sure he knows he’s in a fight. It starts this Monday, I’ll give them a fight, the Guardians will give them a fight and if the Ultimate Destroyer wants to join in, we’ll stand by him, or take him down if he starts getting lairy, either way is fine.
DAMON
Speaking of fine. How’d your date with Zooey go? Did you manage to speak to her for more than like 5 seconds before you went googly eyes this time?
KIDSGROVE
I didn’t go googly eyes!
AFFLECK
You really did. It was all “yu yu yu yes, I’ll go out with you please thank you” when she asked. You were like a teenager.
DAMON
Or Batman when he finds out Superman has the same name as his mom.
AFFLECK
I hate you, so much.
FADE OUT
END