Post by Dandy DiVito on Jan 27, 2019 23:57:43 GMT -5
The scene opens with Dandy DiVito and Americana wearing all black standing in DD’s living room. DD is shuffling through some envelopes with a confused look on his face.
Americana: What’s matter, Dandy?
DD: I keep gettin’ these li’l checks an’ I don’ know what they about.
Americana: Action Wrestling royalties?
DD: I don’ t’ink so. I dunno. Maybe it is.
DD rips open one of the envelopes and examines the check.
DD: Shit, man. This one’s a lot bigga than them others been.
Americana: How much?
DD: This one’s got a couple a’ zeros. I ain’t lookin’ a couple hundred dollar gift horse in tha mouth or nothin’, but I ain’t got a clue where this shits comin’ from.
Americana: Strange.
DD shrugs it off and tosses his mail on the table before grabbing as seat on his couch. Americana takes a seat on a chair near the couch.
Americana: Dandy?
DD: Yeah, Meri. What’s up?
Americana: Why we in all black?
DD’s head falls and a look of sadness washes over his face.
DD: You didn’ hear the news? Somethin’ terrible has happened, Meri.
Americana perks up with concern.
Americana: NO! What has happened?!
DD: He’s… he’s gone, Meri. He’s gone.
Americana: Who?!
DD: Who? WHO?! What the fuck do you mean WHO?!
Americana: I… I don’t… I just don’t know who you’re telling me died.
DD: Died? No, no, man. Nobody fuggin’ died, Meri. Nobody ‘cept my happiness.
Americana: What in fuck you talking about?
DD: SHIA, DIPSHIT! SHIA’S GONE! HE IS NO MO’! He ain’t gon’ be there no mo’ ta interview us or tell me where the good dealers are in e’ery city we in. Ma’ boy Shia ain’t ‘roun’ no mo’. Ain’t nobody ‘roun’ ta tell me ta jus’ do it or nothin’ else. Ain’t gonna get tha’ shit outta Jenna. Da’s fo’ sure.
Americana: Oh.
DD: Oh? Tha’s all you got to say ‘bout losin’ Shia?
Americana: I do not think I understand why Shia so important.
DD: You eva’ seen one a’ them Transformers movies?
Americana: Well, yeah.
DD: Shia was mothafuggin’ SAM! Without Shia, you ain’ gettin’ no Optimus Prime or Megatron or tha racis’ one neitha’. An’ you wouldn’ta had the genius that was Holes neitha’. An’ Disturbia! An’ Nymphomaniac!
Americana: Ok, I get it. He’s a movie star.
DD: Nah, man. Tha’ ain’t it. He ain’ jus’ a movie star. He’s… he’s… he’s ma’ frien’.
Americana and DD sit silent for a beat.
Americana: But I am your friend, Dandy.
DD: Yeah. I know, Meri.
Americana: An’ Kidsgrove still movie star, so Action Wrestling still ok, right? Last Action Hero, right?
DD: Ugggggggggggggggggggggh.
Americana: What?!
DD: Don’ gimme tha’ what shit. You fuggin’ know what! Kidsgrove ain’t no goddamn Shia. Sammy Boy ain’t done shit ‘cept get Diabeetus. Well, this weekend, tha’ fugga’s gonna put the die in diabeetus, and I’ma whoop that ass all nigh’ long worse than a fuggin’ sheet cake. You know it’s wild that tha’ mothafucka is in da movies, Meri.
Americana: Why? What makes it wild?
DD: Movies only really exist ta sell snacks an’ candy, shit ol’ Sammy Sam can’t even enjoy no mo’. It’s jus’ a strange coincidence is all.
Americana: I don’t know what to say here, Dandy. Kidsgrove have disability you make fun of.
DD: Sounds like you know exactly what to say here, Meri. This Wilford Brimley ass mothafucka’s comin’ at this match all wrong. He gonna talk talk talk talk talk and he gonna underestimate an’ all that. I hear he still pissy ‘bout straight up losin’ my title back when he had it back in September. I bet he can’t think of a single worse act of injustice in any September in his life.
Americana: But 9/11 was in Septe…
DD: Es’actly. An’ Sam I Am is talkin’ like it weren’t nothin’! You see wha’ I mean, Meri?! Kiddy Samsgrove ain’t no fuggin’ Shia. Not on Samuel’s bes’ day. Not on Shia’s wors’. I mean, shit, Kiddy even took ‘is nickname from the wors’ Arnold movie they is.
Americana: Sam Kidsgrove’s nickname is Batman and Robin?
DD: Ok… Second worst Arnold movie.
Americana: Sam Kidsgrove’s nickname is Junior?
DD: ...Arnold’s third worst movie?
Americana: Jingle All the Way?
DD: Fuck, man. Arnold has made some real shit movies! I meant tha’ shit you said earlier… Las’ Action Hero.
Americana: Hey! I liked Last Action Hero.
DD: Dude… why?!
Americana: My parents not let me watch much movies.
DD: The Menendez boys killed their parents for crimes like tha’.
Americana: Who?
DD: Fo’get it. Don’ matter none anyway. Look, I gotta get goin’. You welcome ta stay here all damn day if you wan’. I jus’ gotta go see a dude ‘bout a thang.
Americana: Ok, Dandy. I’ll just hang out here. I will later see you.
DD rises from his seat and heads out the door.
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The scene opens in a memorabilia shop. DD marches confidently through the door and approaches the unmanned counter.
DD: YO! ANYBODY HERE?!
DD hears someone stir in the back, and an old man appears from behind a curtain.
Clerk: Yes, son. How can I help you?
DD: I ordered somethin’ from y’all. I’m here ta collec’.
Clerk: Uh, sure. What’s your name, son?
DD: DiVito. Dandy DiVito.
Clerk: Uh, yes. I’ve got your ticket right here. Here we go. I’ll go grab it quick.
The clerk disappears into the back to grab the package and comes back quickly. The package is wrapped in butchers’ paper and looks to be about 2 feet by 3 feet.
Clerk: Uh, yep. Here it is.
DD takes the package from the clerk.
Clerk: Uh, it looks like you’re all paid up and good to go. Thank you for your business.
DD: Yeah. Thanks.
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The scene opens again a few days later as DD and Americana are arriving at the arena for Revolution II. As they get out of the car and grab their bags, DD also grabs the package from the back seat.
Americana: What is that anyway? You never tell me.
DD: It’s a gift.
Americana: For Americana?
DD: Nah. It’s for Shia. A li’l somethin’ to say thanks for the memories.
Americana: Dandy, I hate to tell you, but Shia is already done. He not here. He never be here again.
DD: HE’S WHAT?!
Americana puts his hand on DD’s shoulder.
Americana: I look it up. He done after last show. He not here tonight. He not here again. I’m sorry.
DD: MOTHERFUCKER!
Americana: What?
DD: He tol’ me he’d be here tonigh’. You can’t trus’ actors, Meri. Jus’ don’ fuggin’ do it! If an actor makes a promise, they don’ mean tha’ shit. Shia tol’ me he was gonna be at the PPV, an’ he fuggin’ ain’t. Wha’ kinda piece a’ shit jus’ lies to a frien’ like tha’?!
Americana: I… I’m sorry, Dandy.
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We jump to the backstage area and DD is standing by for an interview with Jenna.
Jenna: With me tonight is US Champion Dandy DiVito! Dandy, what’s on your mind when you think about tonight’s match?
DD: Jenna, why you ain’t Shia?
Jenna: Well, I’m a different person entirely.
DD: You an actor?
Jenna: No.
DD: Ok, cool. Whatchu wan’?
Jenna: You’ve got your match with Kidsgrove in just a little while now. What are you thinking?
DD: I’m thinkin’ I can handle any mothafucka tha’ rock candy can take out. Kidsgrove damn near died ‘cause his pancreas got fussy. Wha’s gonna happen to my boy Sam Sam when a real attack happen? When Dandy DiVito take his fuggin’ head off wit’ Da Answer or drive an elbow into his heart wit’ a Drunk Divea?! I ain’t no cake walk… which might be good for him what with the whole suga’ bein’ poison fo’ the mothafucka. I ain’t comin’ ta play nice, an’ I’m mo’ hones’ than any actor any damn day a’ tha’ week.
Jenna gestures to the package under DD’s arm.
Jenna: What do you have there?
DD: This ol’ thing? Well, I was gonna give Shia a goin’ away present, but turns out the mothafucka lied to me an’ ain’t here no mo’. He an’ me usedta talk, an’ Shia was a bit’a a life coach fo’ me. We was makin’ flowcharts for makin’ decisions, and I wan’ed ta give ‘im this chart I made for Revolution II. I guess I can’t now. Fuggin’ shame, too. It’s a good’un. Oh well. I guess, uh, you can have it Jenna. I don’ wan’ it. It’d jus’ make me think a’...
DD gets a bit choked up as he hands Jenna the package. Once it’s in Jenna’s possession, DD walks off.
DD: I’m sorry. I gotta go focus.
Jenna rips open the package and finds a beautifully framed flowchart.