Post by Sam Kidsgrove on Jan 27, 2019 13:15:03 GMT -5
Everyone’s a critic.
By Reg Dwight
Written by Bernie Taupin
FADE IN
INT - OSCARS PRE PARTY - LOS ANGELES
SAM KIDSGROVE, currently Mr International and the next United States champion is at the Oscars pre party in Los Angeles, naturally at these pre parties, he has to do a youtube vlog from his mobile in mid flow from the VIP room.
KIDSGROVE
What’s up Youtube! Your International Member of the Guardians, Mr International Sam Kidsgrove here, giving you exclusive behind the scenes access to the hottest ticket in town, right here on Youtube Premier! Other than the little party that’s going down in New York this weekend anyway. I’m here in the VIP room as you can see.
Kidsgrove shows the room off to everyone watching. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are busy laughing while sharing a set of airpods, Angelina Jolie is shitfaced, shouting abuse at Brad Pitt and Zooey Deschanel is being the perfect woman that she is.
KIDSGROVE
There’s Zooey. Man, I wish I had the balls to go talk to her sometimes you know? I mean I can talk to anyone, do anything I can stand in front of millions of people on Youtube and talk but can I talk to Zooey? No. Zooey if you ever watch this video, then you might know exactly why I keep avoiding you after this. Did I just declare my love for Zooey Deschanel on Youtube? Shit. Never mind, TMZ ignore that one, thanks!
MATT DAMON, basically a Boston Frat boy, beckons Kidsgrove over.
DAMON
Oh man, you gotta check this shit out, we found it on Soundcloud.
Kidsgrove picks up the airpod bud and starts to listen to the music Matt Damon is playing.
KIDSGROVE
What the fuck is this?
DAMON
I know right, reminds you of your band in the 90s yeah?
KIDSGROVE
What? Spousal Trouser Pocket? You remember Spousal Trouser Pocket?
DAMON
Everyone remembers that man, it was a car crash. It was like some sort of weird indie fusion shit, experimental as fuck and, most importantly for me, hilarious.
KIDSGROVE
We got a video played on VH1 once.
DAMON
VH1! Yes! I remember that as well! Like at 3am, when they had the sign language guys out. You made it sound like such a big deal!
KIDSGROVE
Hey, I got a few sales out of that!
DAMON
Mostly from your mom! Man you were awful. Did you get that Youtube? He was in a band, look it up!
Kidsgrove checks the comments on Youtube premier.
KIDSGROVE
Yup, they found it. How the fuck do you guys do this so fast? And so savage? Christ.
Matt Damon looks at the comments also
DAMON
Ouch. That guy really hates you. Oh and what have you said about Deschanel?
KIDSGROVE
What?
DAMON
She’s trending on twitter, well more specifically you and Deschanel are trending at the same time - apparently you’re being shipped?
KIDSGROVE
Don’t worry about it.
DAMON
Oh and who’s Dandy Devito?
KIDSGROVE
Guy I’m facing at the next PPV, he has my title. Why?
DAMON
I just found a tracklisting of his on Soundcloud.
KIDSGROVE
What? You’re kidding me?
DAMON
Nope
KIDSGROVE
I didn’t know he did music.
DAMON
According to your comments, he didn’t.
KIDSGROVE
We gotta listen, right?
DAMON
Aha.
KIDSGROVE
Right, so Youtube Premier, we got a treat for you today. My Boy Matt Damon here has linked you to a Soundcloud track listing of one Dandy Devito. If you don’t know who he is, that’s the shit head that has yours truly’s United States title, the one that I only lost because I got ill, the one that I defended when I was 20 minutes away from going into a coma and the one that, quite frankly should be around my waist and not in some dingy sex basement somewhere.
DAMON
Dingy sex basement?
KIDSGROVE
I dunno. It felt right. Anyway, what’s this track?
DAMON
Anal pussy licking.
KIDSGROVE
Seriously?
DAMON
I dunno, I guess he was edgy?
Damon and Kidsgrove both start listening to the song, their revulsion of the song slowly dawns on the faces of the two men as they progress into the track.
KIDSGROVE
Oh my God, what the hell is this?
DAMON
This is the worst music I’ve ever heard.
KIDSGROVE
I feel sick
DAMON
Youtube thinks so too.
Kidsgrove reads out a selection of the comments.
KIDSGROVE
Its like if Milli Vanilli had a child with Vanilla Ice and the child was raised by Eminem. But not the 2001 eminem but the 2018 eminem.
I want the wall now so i can move to Mexico and not be able to get back into america. i can't live here while this music exists.
Burn it, burn it now!
This was a worse, more ill thought out idea than brexit.
This would have been better if it was Danny DeVito. At least he’d bring some style to it.
DAMON
Ouch
KIDSGROVE
Well they’re not wrong. My god, I feel like my ears just got raped by Bill Crosby.
DAMON
If this is what he thinks is music, no wonder he wants to fight people all the time, Christ almighty. Even Batfleck was better than this when he decided to do that soul album.
KIDSGROVE
He did a soul album?
DAMON
Oh yeah, didn’t you know? It was amazing.
KIDSGROVE
This is the most educational YouTube stream to date, you’re learning a lot guys! Don’t ever say we don’t give you anything here on KidsgroveTV. Speaking of which, we’re out of time, don’t forget to like, subscribe and all that stuff. Just to remind you all that everything I said today is purely in jest, I’m sure we’re going to have some keyboard warriors out there somewhere coming in and being all “Oh but you said mean things Mr Kidsgrove.” Relax, I’m good friends with Dandy and he knows that. Either way, peace, and see you in the ring!
Kidsgrove puts his phone away and looks at Damon.
DAMON
Nice little disclaimer, I don’t think it’s gonna work.
KIDSGROVE
Hope so, we got a little carried away there. Suppose we just need to wait it out for the backlash.
DAMON
The music was shit though
KIDSGROVE
Oh god yeah. This is the only time in my life where I think I got the wrong disability and wished I got deafness instead of diabetes.
DAMON
Who is this DeVito kid anyway? Other than the US champion?
KIDSGROVE
Honestly? He’s a nobody, paper champion. I mean he goes and wins the belt by pinning Mike Massaro, who quite honestly disappeared before he even started in a match where anyone could have won, it was a lottery, he then goes and defends the title twice in 3 months, both against Corey fucking Bull. If I had that luxury where I’m only defending my title every couple of months against Corey Bull then I’d be the longest reigning champion in the whole company, even if I was 20 minutes away from being in a coma. He’s been parading around with my belt since October and, quite honestly it’s a little galling. I mean yeah, my reign was 34 days. Did I get pinned to lose it? Nope. I fought the whole match against 2 men, 20 minutes away from being in a diabetic coma and almost won the fucking thing. I only lost because I was thrown out of the ring after softening up that big lumbering moron Corey Bull enough for TFK to keep him down for 3 seconds. Where was my one on one defence? Where was my free ride? Where was my title shot after 3 fucking matches in a lottery? Basically the guy hasn’t earned a single minute of being champion right now, he’s not earned it, he doesn’t deserve it and fuck, he isn’t having it. I never even had the chance to get my rematch from the hospital by the way, did you know this? I wanted my title back but the idiots at AW management who seem to love Dandy so much tried to protect him and threw him in a shitty match against Corey instead. They insisted that I earned my place and earned my rematch. So I showed everyone who the real champion was in the United Kingdom. London. Wembley stadium with 90,000 of my fellow citizens cheering me on when I made my triumphant return, beating TFK and Beau Blaze in an all time classic with a moment no one will ever forget. It was majestic, it was brilliant, no one saw it coming and I showed to everyone that even with a disability, Sam Kidsgrove gets back up, comes back at you and never gives up. Then to be told I had to face a Guardian and an up and coming star to even get my shot. Again, I got knocked down, Sam Kidsgrove always gets back up.
Can the same be said about our Dandy DeVito fella? Not really, no. He started a music career - enough to get an album on the go. Sure it was drab, derivative nonsense music that makes you want to tear your eyes out and become Daredevil - not Batfleck Daredevil though, I might add - no one is that bad. But at least it was a career that he started then, when he realised he was out of his depth, he just gave up. Just like that. Just like he was throwing away a piece of trash, without a care in the world. That’s the sort of champion he is, he doesn’t care a jot about anything, I doubt he’s even got the intelligence to care. He’ll take the loss on Sunday and then move on to the next thing, like reality TV or MMA or hell, he’d join BeachKrew or FightSmart and hang about with the other bunch of shitbags who don’t care about anything and would throw away their friends, lovers or just about anything when they get bored of it, just like Wade when he got bored of Bonnie and fucked her off. I come from a generation where you needed to care about things, I come from a generation where you don’t give up, where you fight back, where the things that matter you don’t just drop and move on to the next thing. This is why I am still an A-list Hollywood Star, this is why I’m hosting the Oscars, this is why I’m Mr International, this is why Destination:London happened, why Jensgrove Studios is filming it’s 3rd major motion picture right now, this is why I am going to be the next US champion. It’s my title, I care too much to let some 3rd rate rap star who only won it because Action Wrestling management want to give him an easy ride walk around bringing a disgrace to the lineage of that belt. This belt means something to many people, let’s make America great again shall we?
DAMON
You just had to go there, didn’t you?
KIDSGROVE
Well, if fucking Donald Trump can use that and turn America into a hate filled shit pool then I’m going to use it to bring some pride back to America. This match is Champion vs Champion, USA v International and
Kidsgrove’s phone rings.
KIDSGROVE
It’s Fox News. Anna Kooiman
DAMON
Figured they’d be first.
Kidsgrove answers and puts on his game face.
KIDSGROVE
Hi there Anna, how are you?
ANNA
Sam, you’re live on Fox News, can you tell us about your slanderous and scandellous comments you made about Dandy DeVito tonight. You’re trending on YouTube and it seems your mask of whiter than white, leader and saviour of the liberal agenda and snowflake generation is slipping. What do you say about that? What do you say about the millions of young impressionable people that you have let down tonight in your heinous rant about other people, your sickening disregard to people who just want to follow their dreams and your downright disgusting behaviour. How can you look at yourself and be a self proclaimed role model to these people when they know you are sneering at their dreams?
KIDSGROVE
I’m doing well, thanks. Do you have a point?
ANNA
Do you know that my daughter wants to be a musician, she means the world to me and many Americans feel the same about their children, how would you feel if your child was watching someone who they look up to mock someone for just doing what they love? How would you feel as a liberal snowflake when that child just gives up their dream because they didn’t like how a hero acted. What do you say to that good sir?
KIDSGROVE
Well Anna, as you know if you watched my video.
ANNA
I watched your video, same as millions of other god fearing Americans, don’t you dare suggest otherwise.
KIDSGROVE
Well then, as you’ll know - I did mention at the end of the video that everything I said tonight was in jest and myself and Dandy were actually good friends. Maybe the copy you saw cut that off somehow.
ANNA
Well, you still said it, it’s disgusting, what do you say for yourself?
KIDSGROVE
Anna, I’m glad you called, I really am, all I can say is that Dandy and I, we’re good friends. We spend the time backstage together chilling out, playing video games, swapping mixtapes, you name it. What you do need to remember though is this is competition. This is a Champion vs Champion match, US v the rest of the world, it’s a big event and this match has the potential to be the biggest match of the night. Sam Kidsgrove, Mr International, the International Champion and the rightful owner of the United States title v Dandy DeVito, the current United States champion. The truth is this is the biggest test of my life, Dandy is a fine athlete, a great friend and a worthy champion. We’re well matched and the guy impresses me, he’s been good for this division and took over as the face of the division when TFK and myself got shelved. He’s super talented, he knows what his strengths are, he knows what my weaknesses are and he knows that he’s prepared and ready for this fight. I imagine for him this is the biggest test he’s had since he came to Action Wrestling and he’s excited for the opportunities that this match will bring about, I mean let’s face it, for him a win against Sam Kidsgrove, Mr International, the Last Action Hero is a big coup. It’s validation for him to show he’s a real champion and he deserves to be here in the spot he’s at. Unfortunately for him, I’m Sam Kidsgrove, I don’t give up and I won’t lose without a fight, to beat me you need to bring everything you got. Nothing less than 110% will be good enough, because I give 115% each and every week in everything I do. I harbour no ill will towards anyone, it’s not like I’m a red cap wearing idiot and Dandy DeVito is a Mexican now because I said some mean things in the spirit of competition.
Kidsgrove grimaces as he says this, Damon puts his palm to his face as Kidsgrove abruptly disconnects the call
DAMON
This is going to be a long night, I’ll get your agent.
Zooey Deschanel enters the scene, she flirts with Kidsgrove
DESCHANEL
Hi Sam, I hear you've been saying some really nice things about me, you wanna do something later?
Hi Sam, I hear you've been saying some really nice things about me, you wanna do something later?
Kidsgrove is frozen, he cannot talk, speak, move and is like a rabbit, trapped in headlights, he's stumbling over his words, fear taking over. Damon is looking alternately to Kidsgrove and Zooey Deschanel with a big grin on his face. He picks up his phone and points the camera at Kidsgrove and Zooey
DAMON
Oh this is so good. Just wait till I tell Batfleck about this one. Hello there YouTube premier! It's Matt Damon here and, well, would you take a look at our poor Kidsgrove right now. This is going to be terrific!
Oh this is so good. Just wait till I tell Batfleck about this one. Hello there YouTube premier! It's Matt Damon here and, well, would you take a look at our poor Kidsgrove right now. This is going to be terrific!
FADE OUT
END