Post by Ace F’N Static on Jan 26, 2019 19:31:24 GMT -5
Off Camera
The Diary of Ace Dillinger
July 3rd, 2003
Age: 9
Ashbury Park, New Jersey
Dear Diary,
I still can’t believe the amount of fireworks I was able to get this year! Koko has been a really cool friend, even though dad isn’t talking to Koko much these days. It’s all moms fault. I heard mom and dad yelling the other night. I don’t understand why mom is so mad at Koko for her hand jobs, she is just helping dad out. Dad told me he needs his hands to be just right for playing guitar. I think I might ask Koko for a hand job myself. Then I could really crank away at the axe. Dad says I can call my guitar an axe, but I can’t cut wood with it. Well duh dad.
A new girl moved in next door and she is in the same grade as me. I am really excited to meet her. Dad says her mom is a milf, which means something about how cool she is I guess. She also works at the club with Koko, who says she is a fine and tight cutie. They call her Cricket. Anyway my new friend. Her name is Anne Demarko and she says she use to live in Hollywood till they moved here. We played on the sidewalk earlier today with my chalk and I showed Anne my guitar and fireworks and then she kissed me on the cheek! It was truly awesome. Dad said I should ask Anne for a handy, then he laughed. I wonder if a handy is like a hand job? If so, maybe she can help me relax my hands for playing guitar. That would be cool.
The best
Ace Dillinger
On Camera
Cell Phone Video of Ace Dillinger
Madison Square Garden
New York, New York
“What up bitchez! Ace here with your PSA of the day from MSG: Witches are real and they are metal. And I can say that with the utmost of confidence since at Revolution II I get to get hands on with our resident witch Claire Hawkins. And by hands on, I mean she is going to get touched more than an alter boy in church. And since most of hashtag bitchcrew were all once alter boys, I am going to have to step up the touch count here. Wouldn’t want Claire to think I didn’t like her.”
[Lets face it, out of all the women here, she is the most relatable one. And the most metal one. And the one most likely to sit on my face and pretend that I'm a harley, complete with vibrations]
“Have you seen this metal lovin, sweet assed woman! I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for playing with chainsaws. If she is half as good in the bedroom, and half as bad, as she is in the ring. Wow.”
“But, as sweet as she is and as much as I’d like to show here what the Ace Train looks like, I need to take this metal-itch from Salem down. Fact is, I lost to Lisa Foster. I took my eye off the ball by not taking my eyes off her ass. Fair enough, my bad. Though she did slip her number into my jeans.”
[And you know she didn’t use my pocket]
“But now we are at the stage of stages. MADISON FUCKING SQUARE GARDEN! The place where everyone wants to be under the lights. And you can believe ol Ace is going to step up and get the job done. No filthy opening acts here, just straight up metal encores. Ace is the place with the helpful hard on people. And Clair is getting the two by four treatment, gonna lay her down and nail her in place.”
[Hopefully after that match as well. Ill stuff my hotel key into your top Claire.]
“Your boy has to get his groove on and prep for the match. And by prep, I mean I’m gonna rub one out so as to not have anymore poke her in the tights moments. At least for this match. Later!”
[Time to shut it down and have myself a moment of zen.]
On Camera
March 17th, 2018
Reno, Nevada
15 weeks before The Incident that breaks up ASiD
{It’s 1 am in the place called Little Vegas and we are at the Reno Police Department. Getting his wonderful profile done is Ace Dillinger. He looks like he went through a ringer. His left eye is black and his shirt is half ripped. And god knows Ace is three sheets to the wind. After he gets his photo taken, Ace is led to the infamous drunk tank and placed on a bench. Ten minutes later, Sal Vitoola enters the room. Ace is led out of the drunk tank and the cuffs taken off as he is unceremoniously shoved out of the back to the front, where Sal walks him outside.}
“Are you fucking kidding me Ace?!”
“Whub are yooo takinbout”
{Sal face palms and stands there a full minute shaking his head before he lets out a deep sigh and looks his cousin in the face}
“One: you tried to get a hooker to come hang with you and the band and she turned out to be an undercover cop. That I can ignore. But two: she stayed and you did a line of coke off her tits before her fellow officers realized she had shut off her wire! And to top it off, they arrested you and tried to pin you with kidnapping and a shit ton of other charges! I CAN HANDLE ONLY SO MUCH ACE!”
“Sheb was a cope?”
“Yes Ace, she was a cop. And a really high one no thanks to you and those three other idiots. Your lucky that my dad still has favors in this town. I got you guys out of any charges if you swear never to return to Reno.”
“Butajhdnuahtnoqaehangorih?”
“I have zero fucking idea what you just said. Look Ace, just get in the car and sleep it off in the back”
{Ace smiles, a thoroughly stupid smile, with drool, and pokes Sal in the cheeks}
“Your assome Sally wally”
“Yes, I am awesome.”
{Ace crawls into a Cadillac Coupe DeVille and slides into the back. Sal walks back around the back of the police department and meets with a man in the shadows}
“Sal, so good to do business with you.”
{Sal hands over a small manilla envelope with cash to the man}
“Yeah, you too Chief. As for the other three morons, let them stew in their juices overnight and release them in the morning. I’ll deal with Ace and they can catch up with the bus tomorrow.”
“I can do that. But tell me something, why are they staying and Ace is going?”
“Because those three are twits and mean shit in the long run to me. Ace matters cause Ace equals money. I’m just a step away from aborting this child known as ASiD and working Ace into a really good gig.”
“So you’re causing strife by leaving them here.”
“You got it. Who says Reno’s police force isn’t bright.”
“If your gonna get wise about it…”
“You will do nothing or else my father will relocate some of the family business back to Reno and you will be up to your eyeballs in dead wannabe mobsters and zero evidence. See you later Chief.”
{Sal walks away, coming back around to the Cadillac that currently houses a passed out Ace and a backseat floor full of puke. Sal climbs in and drives off, but not before slamming on the brakes, punching the steering wheel a few times, and then rolling all the windows down.}
On Camera
Cell Phone Video of Ace Dillinger
Madison Square Garden
New York, New York
[One and done isn’t always the best way to handle things. And thats why Im back with the cellphone. A little something special just for Claire. Got the camera set up and I’m all ready in sexy as fuck mode. No shoes, no shirt, don’t always mean no service for Ace FKN Dillinger. I’m the Late Night Riot, the Architect of Awesome. I am the reason AW sells out shows.]
“Hey there you sexy ass witch. How’s it going Claire? Huh, not so good you say? Lacking some Ace in your diet? Don’t you fret your little metal head, I’m about to give you a full sized injection of fucking awesome! You’re gonna have awesome all over your face, dripping off your lips and slipping into your naughty pillows. And we know you are gonna love the awesome Claire.”
[Who wouldn’t want my awesome dripping on them?! Even Karlie Nash wants my awesome dripping off of her.]
“Claire, Claire Claire Claire! What the fuck is your deal with this Guardians bullshit? Seriously, I didn’t even now that group still existed. And let’s be honest, it doesn’t. No Claire, you are holding onto a seriously dead group of useless fucks anyways. You need to cleanse yourself of the stupidity and roll with a side much more to your standard. Like me perhaps. Now I know, we have this little meet and greet going on at Revolution and we both know that I am going to have to publicly spank you. But that doesn't have to get in the way of the total awesome we could be. Think about it. The Architect of Awesome. The Metal Witch. Two bad ass rockers with one mission: Totally Fucking Anarchy!”
[And a whole lot of naked time. A whole lot! I gotz that somber look on my face. This is serious fucking Ace mode bitchez]
“Because what else do you have Claire? Bonnie Blewtomuchcock? I heard she was off giving handies for title shots in some low grade, half assed fed. The HeShe Verez? She has more “important”..
[Air Quotes]
“...things to do then get the Guardians in order. Because she thinks she is the Guardians.And the list of the other slackers, pfft, no one cares. Guardians hasn’t been relevant since the Brotherhood. Face the facts Claire, this whole Guardians thing you are rolling on, is putting you in a nobody cares position. I’m new, so I’m not surprised I am opening the show. But you, how fucking long you been here Claire? Long enough to know you should have been higher up the card, maybe a little US title hunt? But no. You keep spewing the Guardians shit all over the place and nobody wants to hear it. No, they want awesome spewed all over the place.”
[Enter the Architect of Awesome.]
“And that’s why you are in this match with me. They need something that screams main event for the opening of the pay per view. And Ace Dillinger is the Fucking Main Event. I am the future of this company, the man that they will come to and ask to shoulder this place on my back. I would have been in the main event, but Torture needs his time in the spotlight. Or else I’d be kicking the beachbitchez back to whatever sandy hole they came from. Instead, well instead I get to spend some quality time with you Claire. And though this is going to not turn in your favor, I do hope you will consider my offer. Two metal heads, one mission total anarchy. I’m sure if its back up you want, Ace will have your back.”
[And your front and sides too. Yummy]
“At Revolution, you are going to have to go down Claire. The witch of metal is going to get Two Scoops of Icecreamed. I am definitely going to have my hands full with you.”
[Unsure of the reference, check my bio people. Learn to read. #FourthWallBusted]
“Dead Air is on it’s way for you Claire. When the smoke clears and the crowd is chanting my name, you will know you just got ACED!”
[Stop camera, hit the presses! That shit is another gold record. Time to kick back and wait for the metal witch to respond, after wiping the drool from her lips and putting something on her button to sooth it after she hammer clicks it to my images. #AceIsPorn]
The Diary of Ace Dillinger
July 3rd, 2003
Age: 9
Ashbury Park, New Jersey
Dear Diary,
I still can’t believe the amount of fireworks I was able to get this year! Koko has been a really cool friend, even though dad isn’t talking to Koko much these days. It’s all moms fault. I heard mom and dad yelling the other night. I don’t understand why mom is so mad at Koko for her hand jobs, she is just helping dad out. Dad told me he needs his hands to be just right for playing guitar. I think I might ask Koko for a hand job myself. Then I could really crank away at the axe. Dad says I can call my guitar an axe, but I can’t cut wood with it. Well duh dad.
A new girl moved in next door and she is in the same grade as me. I am really excited to meet her. Dad says her mom is a milf, which means something about how cool she is I guess. She also works at the club with Koko, who says she is a fine and tight cutie. They call her Cricket. Anyway my new friend. Her name is Anne Demarko and she says she use to live in Hollywood till they moved here. We played on the sidewalk earlier today with my chalk and I showed Anne my guitar and fireworks and then she kissed me on the cheek! It was truly awesome. Dad said I should ask Anne for a handy, then he laughed. I wonder if a handy is like a hand job? If so, maybe she can help me relax my hands for playing guitar. That would be cool.
The best
Ace Dillinger
On Camera
Cell Phone Video of Ace Dillinger
Madison Square Garden
New York, New York
“What up bitchez! Ace here with your PSA of the day from MSG: Witches are real and they are metal. And I can say that with the utmost of confidence since at Revolution II I get to get hands on with our resident witch Claire Hawkins. And by hands on, I mean she is going to get touched more than an alter boy in church. And since most of hashtag bitchcrew were all once alter boys, I am going to have to step up the touch count here. Wouldn’t want Claire to think I didn’t like her.”
[Lets face it, out of all the women here, she is the most relatable one. And the most metal one. And the one most likely to sit on my face and pretend that I'm a harley, complete with vibrations]
“Have you seen this metal lovin, sweet assed woman! I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for playing with chainsaws. If she is half as good in the bedroom, and half as bad, as she is in the ring. Wow.”
“But, as sweet as she is and as much as I’d like to show here what the Ace Train looks like, I need to take this metal-itch from Salem down. Fact is, I lost to Lisa Foster. I took my eye off the ball by not taking my eyes off her ass. Fair enough, my bad. Though she did slip her number into my jeans.”
[And you know she didn’t use my pocket]
“But now we are at the stage of stages. MADISON FUCKING SQUARE GARDEN! The place where everyone wants to be under the lights. And you can believe ol Ace is going to step up and get the job done. No filthy opening acts here, just straight up metal encores. Ace is the place with the helpful hard on people. And Clair is getting the two by four treatment, gonna lay her down and nail her in place.”
[Hopefully after that match as well. Ill stuff my hotel key into your top Claire.]
“Your boy has to get his groove on and prep for the match. And by prep, I mean I’m gonna rub one out so as to not have anymore poke her in the tights moments. At least for this match. Later!”
[Time to shut it down and have myself a moment of zen.]
On Camera
March 17th, 2018
Reno, Nevada
15 weeks before The Incident that breaks up ASiD
{It’s 1 am in the place called Little Vegas and we are at the Reno Police Department. Getting his wonderful profile done is Ace Dillinger. He looks like he went through a ringer. His left eye is black and his shirt is half ripped. And god knows Ace is three sheets to the wind. After he gets his photo taken, Ace is led to the infamous drunk tank and placed on a bench. Ten minutes later, Sal Vitoola enters the room. Ace is led out of the drunk tank and the cuffs taken off as he is unceremoniously shoved out of the back to the front, where Sal walks him outside.}
“Are you fucking kidding me Ace?!”
“Whub are yooo takinbout”
{Sal face palms and stands there a full minute shaking his head before he lets out a deep sigh and looks his cousin in the face}
“One: you tried to get a hooker to come hang with you and the band and she turned out to be an undercover cop. That I can ignore. But two: she stayed and you did a line of coke off her tits before her fellow officers realized she had shut off her wire! And to top it off, they arrested you and tried to pin you with kidnapping and a shit ton of other charges! I CAN HANDLE ONLY SO MUCH ACE!”
“Sheb was a cope?”
“Yes Ace, she was a cop. And a really high one no thanks to you and those three other idiots. Your lucky that my dad still has favors in this town. I got you guys out of any charges if you swear never to return to Reno.”
“Butajhdnuahtnoqaehangorih?”
“I have zero fucking idea what you just said. Look Ace, just get in the car and sleep it off in the back”
{Ace smiles, a thoroughly stupid smile, with drool, and pokes Sal in the cheeks}
“Your assome Sally wally”
“Yes, I am awesome.”
{Ace crawls into a Cadillac Coupe DeVille and slides into the back. Sal walks back around the back of the police department and meets with a man in the shadows}
“Sal, so good to do business with you.”
{Sal hands over a small manilla envelope with cash to the man}
“Yeah, you too Chief. As for the other three morons, let them stew in their juices overnight and release them in the morning. I’ll deal with Ace and they can catch up with the bus tomorrow.”
“I can do that. But tell me something, why are they staying and Ace is going?”
“Because those three are twits and mean shit in the long run to me. Ace matters cause Ace equals money. I’m just a step away from aborting this child known as ASiD and working Ace into a really good gig.”
“So you’re causing strife by leaving them here.”
“You got it. Who says Reno’s police force isn’t bright.”
“If your gonna get wise about it…”
“You will do nothing or else my father will relocate some of the family business back to Reno and you will be up to your eyeballs in dead wannabe mobsters and zero evidence. See you later Chief.”
{Sal walks away, coming back around to the Cadillac that currently houses a passed out Ace and a backseat floor full of puke. Sal climbs in and drives off, but not before slamming on the brakes, punching the steering wheel a few times, and then rolling all the windows down.}
On Camera
Cell Phone Video of Ace Dillinger
Madison Square Garden
New York, New York
[One and done isn’t always the best way to handle things. And thats why Im back with the cellphone. A little something special just for Claire. Got the camera set up and I’m all ready in sexy as fuck mode. No shoes, no shirt, don’t always mean no service for Ace FKN Dillinger. I’m the Late Night Riot, the Architect of Awesome. I am the reason AW sells out shows.]
“Hey there you sexy ass witch. How’s it going Claire? Huh, not so good you say? Lacking some Ace in your diet? Don’t you fret your little metal head, I’m about to give you a full sized injection of fucking awesome! You’re gonna have awesome all over your face, dripping off your lips and slipping into your naughty pillows. And we know you are gonna love the awesome Claire.”
[Who wouldn’t want my awesome dripping on them?! Even Karlie Nash wants my awesome dripping off of her.]
“Claire, Claire Claire Claire! What the fuck is your deal with this Guardians bullshit? Seriously, I didn’t even now that group still existed. And let’s be honest, it doesn’t. No Claire, you are holding onto a seriously dead group of useless fucks anyways. You need to cleanse yourself of the stupidity and roll with a side much more to your standard. Like me perhaps. Now I know, we have this little meet and greet going on at Revolution and we both know that I am going to have to publicly spank you. But that doesn't have to get in the way of the total awesome we could be. Think about it. The Architect of Awesome. The Metal Witch. Two bad ass rockers with one mission: Totally Fucking Anarchy!”
[And a whole lot of naked time. A whole lot! I gotz that somber look on my face. This is serious fucking Ace mode bitchez]
“Because what else do you have Claire? Bonnie Blewtomuchcock? I heard she was off giving handies for title shots in some low grade, half assed fed. The HeShe Verez? She has more “important”..
[Air Quotes]
“...things to do then get the Guardians in order. Because she thinks she is the Guardians.And the list of the other slackers, pfft, no one cares. Guardians hasn’t been relevant since the Brotherhood. Face the facts Claire, this whole Guardians thing you are rolling on, is putting you in a nobody cares position. I’m new, so I’m not surprised I am opening the show. But you, how fucking long you been here Claire? Long enough to know you should have been higher up the card, maybe a little US title hunt? But no. You keep spewing the Guardians shit all over the place and nobody wants to hear it. No, they want awesome spewed all over the place.”
[Enter the Architect of Awesome.]
“And that’s why you are in this match with me. They need something that screams main event for the opening of the pay per view. And Ace Dillinger is the Fucking Main Event. I am the future of this company, the man that they will come to and ask to shoulder this place on my back. I would have been in the main event, but Torture needs his time in the spotlight. Or else I’d be kicking the beachbitchez back to whatever sandy hole they came from. Instead, well instead I get to spend some quality time with you Claire. And though this is going to not turn in your favor, I do hope you will consider my offer. Two metal heads, one mission total anarchy. I’m sure if its back up you want, Ace will have your back.”
[And your front and sides too. Yummy]
“At Revolution, you are going to have to go down Claire. The witch of metal is going to get Two Scoops of Icecreamed. I am definitely going to have my hands full with you.”
[Unsure of the reference, check my bio people. Learn to read. #FourthWallBusted]
“Dead Air is on it’s way for you Claire. When the smoke clears and the crowd is chanting my name, you will know you just got ACED!”
[Stop camera, hit the presses! That shit is another gold record. Time to kick back and wait for the metal witch to respond, after wiping the drool from her lips and putting something on her button to sooth it after she hammer clicks it to my images. #AceIsPorn]