T h e n, N o w, F o r e v e r I
Jan 25, 2019 15:41:45 GMT -5
Alexander Pasternak, Shadowlove, and 3 more like this
Post by Jared Holmes on Jan 25, 2019 15:41:45 GMT -5
[Black Sceen]
A YouTube Exclusive.’
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AYouTube #BeachTube Exclusive.
A YouTube Exclusive.’
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A
[JARED HOLMES sits reclined on a tasteful white chaise longue besides the breath taking outdoor pool of Chateau de 6ix 6od. He wears dark Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses with gold frames, a stainless steel Rolex on his left wrist, and a California Cowboy aloha shirt held closed by a single button. He looks disinterested in being filmed, his eyes mostly glued on his phone screen. An unseen INTERVIEWER asks him questions off camera.]
INTERVIEWER: You’ve been locked to that screen for about thirty minutes now.
JARED HOLMES: Well I’m trying to get this fucking Magikarp to level 80, but you get diminishing returns at the higher levels.
INTERVIEWER: Pokemon GO?
JARED HOLMES: Nah, Magikarp Jump.
INTERVIEWER: What’s Magikarp Jump?
JARED HOLMES: Like, you fish up a Magikarp and feed it fruit and train it and shit so it jumps high, then you compete it against other Magikarps to see if you can be the jumping master.
INTERVIEWER: That’s it?
JARED HOLMES: Yeah, that’s it.
[Second VOICE, also from off camera, chimes in.]
VOICE: That sounds fucking boring.
[JARED HOLMES looks up from the phone, his lips curled into a sneer of pure anger.]
JARED HOLMES: Boring? Boring?! You know what’s fucking boring?! That I have to take – I don’t know – an hour out of my fucking day to do this stupid interview?! Do you have any idea what kind of other things I could be spending my time on?! I’m a busy guy! I have, like, a million things to do this weekend and could be doing all of them instead. You’re fucking lucky I feel an obligation to help my boys out when they need me, or trust me, you wouldn’t be setting a fucking toe on my property. I have nothing to prove at this point in my career! It has been established time and time again that I am the undisputed best! I’m just glad I finally have a chance to shove Spencer’s head in a toilet once again and can maybe slap Torture’s remaining gray hairs off his head. But if this were anyone else? I’d be outside enjoying myself!
[Long pause]
INTERVIEWER: I mean… technically, you already are outside.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Black Screen. “Aquaberry Dolphin” by RiFF-RaFF plays.]
T h e n ….
N o w …
F o r e v e r ….
A #Beach#TRU Holly Wood Story
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[The video cuts to JIM THUGGIN, an older Slavic gentleman with a crop of wild gray hair and a wide, vaguely sinister grin. He smokes a cigar. When he speaks, his voice is oddly monotonous.]
JIM THUGGIN: Earth Child Jared and Earth Child Wade were always my favorites. I met Earth Child Jared first – I was hired by his parents as a handler. Earth Child Jared had been a child of ill behavior and reckless decision making. I tutored and mentored him as he finished private school and entered into college. My associates in the legal profession ensured the beautiful Earth Child would see no consequences for his actions, not that he would ever face any because he has done nothing wrong.
Earth Child Wade came shortly after. We were hiking in the Everglades swamp in Florida when Wade was discovered in the midst of an assault attempt. Earth Child Jared intervened. One would look at my two Earth Children and wonder how one such as Jared and one such as Wade could be friends. It is destiny. This is why they are still friends, and Least Favorite Earth Child is no longer with us.
INTERVIEWER: You mean Andre Aquarius?
JIM THUGGIN: The sound of his name fills my heart with the oppressive feeling of sadness and disappointment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[The video cuts to WADE MOOR, his dreads pulled back in a #manbun as he reclines on one of the beanbag chairs in the #VolkSWAGon.]
WADE MOOR: So, I want you to level with us: Andre was basically this dude in Beta Alpha Psi – that was the frat Jared was in – who sort of puppy dogged around, right? Like, he introduced me and Jared to Hunter, but when it came to us getting on that #BeachKrew shit, Andre just didn’t fucking get down.
INTERVIEWER: Hunter?
WADE MOOR: Hunter Updegraff III aka King Koopa Bloopa aka Party Train. He was this guy who basically got expelled from Tulane right when we started, but him and Jared just really clicked so he kept hanging out. He was our hook on Molly and Xans and shit.
INTERVIEWER: And where is he now?
[WADE MOOR looks down sadly.]
WADE MOOR: I dunno man, he was arrested by the Coast Guard trying to bring in a score in our submarine, and then he just kinda disappeared. We dunno if he’s alive or dead or not.
[JARED HOLMES speaks from off-camera.]
JARED HOLMES: If he’d have just waited for the Government Shutdown, we wouldn’t have given a shit about the Coast Guard.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JIM THUGGIN: As Earth Child Jared and Wade made names for themselves in the WCF, Earth Child Andre was reticent. He was a problem for the plan – indecisive and lazy. It is a shame, for I saw potential in him – perhaps if he were to be in this match instead of a repeated failure like Spencer Adams, #FightSmart would stand a chance. Alas, #FightSmart are too dedicated to being an Ersatz of #BeachKrew, therefore Earth Child Andre must naturally be unable to compete. I am sure in several months, Spencer Adams will realize he is a consistent failure only able to remain atop Action Wrestling through lack of depth, suggesting more about the state of the company than his own ability, and he will permanently resign and place Andre Aquarius in an active role. But by then, Andre will have gone cold and be unable to get momentum, so the entire thing will be a – what do you people say? – wash.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: And can someone tell me when the fuck Spencer Adams became black?!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Footage of WCF WAR plays.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: Did he do the fucking Get Out procedure on Andre?! Is that how this shit happened?
[WADE MOOR speaks from off-camera.]
WADE MOOR: Andre Holmes did the same thing.
JARED HOLMES: No, he didn’t. Andre was always a hulking Mandingo, they just kept printing the promotional material wrong. Oh, and remember that OblivSEAon hypnotized Spencer Adams and they ate a person together. That’s canon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Footage plays of WCF Hellimination. Jared Holmes, Wade Moor, and Kyle Kemp stand side-by-side, arms raised.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Someone who is NOT JOHNNY RABID sits in a dark room. His face is obscured by shadows, though his long, two-toned hair is vaguely visible. He wears a solid black three piece suit. A nametag is pinned to the lapel that reads “I am not Johnny Rabid.” He speaks with a British accent.]
NOT JOHNNY RABID: Kyle is a two hundred pound millstone with the unfortunate capacity of speech. He is and always has been a follower. It was easy enough to pick him up as his career had just began to rise – almost as easy as knocking Andre out with a single kick. He was lost and alone, but he had potential – even if his first “splash” in the industry was losing in miserable fashion to Spencer Adams. And then to Teo del Sol. In fact, the more I consider it, the more it makes sense why Kyle glomped onto us the way he did.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Footage of WAR where Kyle Kemp and Johnny Rabid raise the WCF Tag Team Championships.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: He’s a fucking bitch, dude. Before he met, Kyle Kemp was getting slapped around like a huge pussy on an almost weekly basis. If he didn’t have the hook-ups, I probably wouldn’t have thrown him a life ring. But what can I say, I’m a philanthropist.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WADE MOOR: He’s a fucking remora. He attaches onto a big shark – just like he did with us, and just as he’s doing with Spencer – and he’ll ride that person as far as he can. The thing is, for as much as Kyle fancies himself being the top dog, he’s a second stringer.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: How many times have I son’ed Kemp? I whooped his ass at the end of Trilogy Cup, I know that. Like, this guy actually thought he was going to win when I’d more or less rigged his entire side of the bracket just because I knew he’d be the easiest guy to murk in the whole thing. I fought legitimate contender after contender – he had Dune taken out for him by Rabid, won some other thing by distraction, and then got owned by me. I beat fucking Atreyu. I am Kemp’s father, and he should address me as such.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JIM THUGGIN: Earth Child Kyle was one of the first recruits outside of my original wave of Earth Children. He was more successful than Earth Child Dustin, but he was not as successful as Earth Child John. He rode the wake of Earth Child John’s successes, but alas, it was Earth Child Kyle who was pinned by Gemini Battle. It fills my heart with sadness to think what could have been.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WADE MOOR: I just kinda feel bad for him at this point. Like, he’s clearly trying to make something for himself, but he’s just locked in that spot of being second fiddle. That’s always been Kyle’s problem – like, he can’t get the balls to really go on his own and go for the gold. I think Jared owning him in the finals of Trilogy Cup might’ve fucked him up, ya know? Like, you get to that big moment just to choke hard; that sucks, man.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: Do I feel bad for Kyle? This dude wants to drop us to go make the snakes kiss with Spencer Adams and pretend to be a good guy and I’m supposed to feel bad for him? No, fuck Kyle. I’m not down with this whole forgiveness shit when you go behind our back – that’s amateur bullshit. At least with us, Kyle had some opportunities. We wouldn’t have this whole “Oh, I’m the leader so you gotta wait your turn” shit – notice how Ryan Lockhart is champ and Wade isn’t trying to murder him. But after Spencer son’ed Kemp in front of everyone, they just turned around and won the Tag Belts together.
He’s got zero fucking balls and zero self worth. He’s gonna keep eating whatever scraps Spencer throws at him and wagging his tail like a stupid fucking puppy. No, fuck Kemp – I don’t feel bad for him at all. He’s a big boy, he can open his own eyes and realize he’s being used; he doesn’t need me to tell him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Footage from WCF Hellimination. Jared makes a tag to Wade, and he enters the ring to face off with Spencer Adams. Kemp and Jared bro fist as Wade levels Spencer with a suplex.]
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WADE MOOR: Spencer Adams has always been a thorn in the side of #BeachKrew, but I can’t emphasize this enough: a thorn. Not a knife, not a shot to the gut. He’s a minor annoyance at best. He has won battles, but he’s never won the war.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: So, I still owe Spencer a good kick in the teeth for eliminating me from WAR and sneaking by us with that tool Venable for the Tag Titles in WCF. Those are, to my knowledge, the only times Spencer has gotten one up on us.
INTERVIEWER: He retained against Wade in AW.
JARED HOLMES: Yeah. But we’re not talking about fuckin’ AW, we’re talking about back in the day. Anyway. Spencer had this lame-ass group called People’s Choice or something. It was Spencer, Venable, and Teo del Sol. We more or less shoved their heads in toilets on a daily basis – and what made it so much sweeter is how POPULAR they were.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JIM THUGGIN: The People’s Choice was a group of mediocre wrestlers compiled for the explicit purpose of providing a counter-point to my Earth Children. I am curious as to why they believed a group of suboptimal talents such as Adams and Venable could muster a significant challenge when my Earth Children had proven themselves capable of defeating distinguished wrestling stables such as Pantheon. Perhaps their formation and encouragement was a cruel joke or act of hazing played upon them by their peers.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
INTERVIEWER: So why do you think people think about People’s Choice when they think about “top #BeachKrew opponents”?
JARED HOLMES: So here’s something that cannot be stressed enough: people resented the shit out of #BeachKrew’s domination. See, WCF had been pretty organized in its hierarchy by this point, right? You had Dune and Flash up on top, Dark Riders Gang nipping at the heels, all this kind of stuff. There had been this big stable war, and everything seemed to confirm that Dark Riders Gang had come out on top – and I cannot stress enough how seriously these guys all took themselves. So suddenly out comes this group of young guys really steeped in what’s trendy and what’s more cutting edge, and even worse, these young guys start embarrassing them.
#BeachKrew was never given the respect it deserved because these lame-ass nerd Gen-X’ers knew that meant admitting they’d been owned by everything they abhorred and held themselves above. It would’ve meant looking in the mirror and realizing just how badly their shit stunk. So what did they do? They tried to lump us in with Mid-Carders.
INTERVIEWER: You think that was intentional?
JARED HOLMES: How long did we dominate? There was a point that we held almost every belt in the federation, and the only person we could get standing up to us was Gemini fucking Battle. The second we went after Pantheon, they completely crumbled. Bates and his stupid DRG folded and that bitch went into politics after we owned them. So out come these three idiots with delusions of grandeur who want to finally flex, and everyone props them up as both some loveable underdog heroes and this big check against us. Maybe if People’s Choice keep #BeachKrew busy, we can go on pretending we’re secure and talented or whatever. Problem is, it didn’t work – at all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WADE MOOR: The funny thing is that for all the times Spencer tried to get in our way, he never was able to slow us down or stop us from taking control of the company. Hell, it took Corey Black and Dune to take Jared out, but even after that, we still rode in and out of ONE with gold. I think we even got more that night than we had going in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: What dragged #BeachKrew out was not Spencer Adams – it was us getting kinda bored and scattered. And then, of course, Mexico.
INTERVIEWER: Mexico?
JARED HOLMES: Yeah, that’s when I unleashed some cosmic alien powers, kidnapped like ten thousand people, and ended up enticing Spencer Adams into running a wrestling company.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Footage of Wade Moor making his debut at UCI]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WADE MOOR: Can we talk about what a fucking abortion UCI was?
[JARED HOLMES speaks from off-camera.]
JARED HOLMES: Can we talk about how Spencer was still white?!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NOT JOHNNY RABID: I was not involved in UCI – I have far better things to do with my time. I do recall that Wade and Dustin spent some time there, and I think their results were minimal. Jared had laid low this entire time, but I know his little girlfriend was wrestling.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WADE MOOR: The supreme irony of UCI is that it was a shitty company booked down the drain while holding itself up as a real contender for WCF’s dominance – and this was while the owner was doing some moonlight competition over there for the enemy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: Gee, I wonder who that sounds like.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NOT JOHNNY RABID: They didn’t stay long in UCI; Joey Flash came knocking. Ask yourself, would you rather be the big fish in a puddle or be a shark in the ocean? Wade knew what side his bread was buttered on – a nice little reunion and some guaranteed title shots.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: What’s even funnier is that when we returned, neither Andre nor Spencer showed their faces. Like, both of these dipshits kept trying to sniff around WCF greatness, trying to make up for being a day late and buck short, but they never fucked with it when I came back. They’re fucking bitch-made.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
INTERVIEWER: Do you miss WCF?
WADE MOOR: I mean, how am I not gonna miss beating up juggalos with my boys? Those were some of the best days of my life.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[JARED HOLMES is looking at his phone again.]
INTERVIEWER: The camera is still rolling.
JARED HOLMES: Yeah, but this lil’ guy is almost level 85. He gonna do a whole lotta jumpin’.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NOT JOHNNY RABID: I understand that the last iteration of #BeachKrew ended with Jared and I casually insulting one another before openly going to war, but there’s a fundamental truth I begrudgingly admit about our little group: we’ve stuck together. It’s no secret that Jared and I only tolerate one another. We go back and forth between enjoying one another’s company to openly wishing death upon the other. But our teamwork, when everyone is on their game, is unstoppable. There are no weak links in the core of #BeachKrew.
INTERVIEWER: So what are your thoughts on the current iteration?
NOT JOHNNY RABID: Lockhart and Wade have their egos in check, Jared is keeping oddly quiet, and Pasternak cleans up the mess. I don’t think anyone’s getting superkicked any time soon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
INTERVIEWER: Your old friend spoke highly of you.
JARED HOLMES: Beaver? That’s nice of him.
INTERVIEWER: No, with the hair.
JARED HOLMES: Oh. Yeah. Um, #FreeRabid and tell him to go fuck himself.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WADE MOOR: For real, I am ninety-nine percent convinced that Torture refused to sign Johnny Rabid to keep us from completely taking over.
INTERVIEWER: That sounds conspiratorial.
WADE MOOR: Is it, though? Torture can’t keep his fucking feelings to himself – his fingerprints for that shit are all over this company and its lame-ass booking. I mean, how many fucking times do I have to murk Roy Speede before it clicks in my head: “Homie wants me to lose to Speede, and he’s just gonna keep hitting ‘retry’ until it happens.” Man, do you know what that’s like? How many times is he going to make Ryan fight Spencer Adams, hoping Lockhart gets exhausted and just gives up?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[FELIX STAPLETON JR and REECE SHAW sit side-by-side at the beer-splattered bar table. A nicotine patch is clearly displayed on FELIX’s bicep.]
FELIX STAPLETON JR: So let’s go on record first to state that Torture fired us to have enough money to sign that Holmes guy. As a fucking manager.
INTERVIEWER: You two had lost a lot of momentum, to be fair.
REECE SHAW: Momentum? Do you know what it’s like to carry a division on your shoulders? For months, we had to fight the Guardians over and over again. And the Big Dogs or the Talent Enhancers or whatever rubbish they could find us. Of course we lost interest – Torture just wanted to banter on fuckin’ Twitter, then preen about like he’s ownin’ us.
FELIX STAPLETON JR: He did kinda own us, to be fair. Not like in the colloquial sense but in the legal contractual sense.
REECE SHAW: You know what I meant!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JARED HOLMES: It’s so perfect to finally be stepping in the ring with Torture because he keeps trying to make me wrestle, and my contract explicitly said manager. So now I just get to take my aggression out on his face
[WADE MOOR speaks from off-camera.]
WADE MOOR: Are you even in gym shape?
JARED HOLMES: Do you think I’d risk getting fat and flat? I never left gym shape, my dude.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Action Wrestling footage: the formation of #BeachKrew. Dramatic music plays.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
VOICE-OVER JIM THUGGIN: Earth Child Ryan and Earth Child Alex have been wonderful additions to the #BeachKrew. For all of the accolades of past renditions, it is today that we see a new and more powerful era than ever imagined. Perhaps the Galactic Prophecy is dead. Perhaps not. Perhaps it’s irrelevant – instead, my beautiful, wonderful Earth Children will preach their gospel. Heretics will fall…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Picture of Wade Moor]
VOICE-OVER JIM THUGGIN: Broseidon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Picture of Jared Holmes]
VOICE OVER JIM THUGGIN: The King in Yellow.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Picture of Alexander Pasternak]
VOICE-OVER JIM THUGGIN: The Sea Urchin Prince.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Picture of Ryan Lockhart with the AW Championship]
VOICE-OVER JIM THUGGIN: And the Hart of the Sea.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[Black and white footage of the War Games cage fills the screen. Translucent images of past #BeachKrew accomplisments flash in succession over it.]
VOICE-OVER JIM THUGGIN: The future is here. The end is nigh. Watch. The. Skies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[The footage dramatically cuts. After a moment, it comes back to JARED HOLMES playing Magikarp Jump.]
INTERVIEWER: You never mentioned Lincoln Kuechly.
[JARED HOLMES pauses his game and looks up, his face twisted in puzzlement.]
JARED HOLMES: Who?