Post by Dandy DiVito on Jan 13, 2019 21:32:34 GMT -5
Alexa, play Despacito.
Here, I am sittin’ at tha top a tha mountain. All aroun’ me, I see mothafuggas scramblin’ to climb dis bitch and push me off a my perch. They pullin’ out all da stops, ya know? Mothafuckin’ Sherpas carryin’ they shit. Fuggin’ settin’ up base camps. Shittin’ on tha mountain side. Luggin’ oxygen tanks all up on it for when that air up top gets thin. All ‘cause these high asperation havin’ mothafuggas think they gon’ be the ones ta topple The. Fucking. King. Ain’t a one a these shit stain sportin’ bag a’ assholes got tha talent, tha ability, or tha time to growth either a’ them things to catch me off ma’ shit. Only one man EVER found the magic fuckin’ strategy that could take down Dandy fuggin’ DiVito. One. An’ he gone now, ‘cause I ran ‘im off.
Now, I be sittin’ on my throne ‘top this mountain, got sightlines for days. I’m starin’ out as far as any man can see, and like I’m mothafuckin’ Simba... everything the light touches is ma’ kingdom. I want y’all ta know dis: it’s mighty fuggin’ bright here in DD’s kingdom.
Despite that though, there’s somethin’ sad goin’ on in ma’ land… ain’t none a these fucks gettin’ close ‘nough to make a run at the top, an’ it’s gettin’ real lonely up here. This is so sad. All these fighta’s on the Action roster, an’ ain’t no challenga’s wit’ even tha grandest hope a takin’ my title, of becomin’ the cham-peen. They climb up, I kick ‘em back down, they die in a stampede, or they get got by som’ Whoopie-Goldberg-voice-havin’-ass hyena. An’ here I remain. I keep my lonely place on top a’ da mountain: The only Action Wreslin’ cham-peen that matters.
Here, I am sittin’ at tha top a tha mountain. All aroun’ me, I see mothafuggas scramblin’ to climb dis bitch and push me off a my perch. They pullin’ out all da stops, ya know? Mothafuckin’ Sherpas carryin’ they shit. Fuggin’ settin’ up base camps. Shittin’ on tha mountain side. Luggin’ oxygen tanks all up on it for when that air up top gets thin. All ‘cause these high asperation havin’ mothafuggas think they gon’ be the ones ta topple The. Fucking. King. Ain’t a one a these shit stain sportin’ bag a’ assholes got tha talent, tha ability, or tha time to growth either a’ them things to catch me off ma’ shit. Only one man EVER found the magic fuckin’ strategy that could take down Dandy fuggin’ DiVito. One. An’ he gone now, ‘cause I ran ‘im off.
Now, I be sittin’ on my throne ‘top this mountain, got sightlines for days. I’m starin’ out as far as any man can see, and like I’m mothafuckin’ Simba... everything the light touches is ma’ kingdom. I want y’all ta know dis: it’s mighty fuggin’ bright here in DD’s kingdom.
Despite that though, there’s somethin’ sad goin’ on in ma’ land… ain’t none a these fucks gettin’ close ‘nough to make a run at the top, an’ it’s gettin’ real lonely up here. This is so sad. All these fighta’s on the Action roster, an’ ain’t no challenga’s wit’ even tha grandest hope a takin’ my title, of becomin’ the cham-peen. They climb up, I kick ‘em back down, they die in a stampede, or they get got by som’ Whoopie-Goldberg-voice-havin’-ass hyena. An’ here I remain. I keep my lonely place on top a’ da mountain: The only Action Wreslin’ cham-peen that matters.
DD: Nobody’s comin’ ta save you! Ain’t nobody give a shit ‘bout you or your fam’ly. No one’s gonna show up an’ tell ya’ kids daddy died in tha war. No one gonna give ‘em no flags folded all nice. No one gonna bat a mo’fuggin’ eye at puttin’ one mo’ flag draped coffin in tha’ groun’.
Anonymous Voice: Jesus, dude. Chill your shit.
DD: Hell nah. You bring that weak shit my way, you gonna get clapped, bitch.
Anonymous Voice: Man, fuck this. I’m not gonna put up with this bullshit.
Computer: Player has disconnected.
DD is seated in front of a large television screen playing a FPS online with a handful of strangers from around the world.
DD: Fuggin’ li’l bitch. Can’t handle the heat of the DandyMan!
DD continues playing, and it’s clear he’s talented with his video game. He’s racking up a monster kill streak, and Americana is watching from the couch.
Americana: You very good at this, DD.
DD: Yea’, Meri. I was on house arrest fo’ a while, an’ tha goddamn Playstation was all I could fuggin’ do tha’ whole time. I got real fuggin’ good real fuggin’ fas’.
Americana: Impressive.
Computer: Player has joined.
A pop up on the screen displays the name MetalWitch666, and DD rolls his eyes.
DD: Fuggin’ Claire fan.
American looks at him with confusion.
Americana: What?
DD: This fuggin’ asshole tha’ jus’ joined tha game. The screen name is all abou’ Claire Hawkins.
Americana: You think they have any idea who they play against now?
DD: Ha! Prolly not. Should I fuck wit’ ‘em?
Americana: Can you do any worse to them than being Claire fan already does?
DD: Ohhhhhh! Dayum! Meri’s spittin’ some rude fuckin’ fire!
Americana smiles wide, proud of his catty burn. DD turns his attention back to the Claire fan.
DD: Hey! MetalWitch! Hey! Is it really you?
A booming male voice comes over the headset.
MetalWitch666: Uh, no. Of course not.
DD: Why you got that name then? You know identity thef’ is a crime, yeah?
MetalWitch666: I’m a fan, man. What the fuck is your problem?
DD: Hey, Claire, ain’t no need ta lie ta me Claire.
MetalWitch666: I’m not Claire, dude. Who the fuck are you?
DD: I’m Dandy DiVito.
MetalWitch666: Bullshit.
DD: Yeah, man? Bullshit, huh? I ain’t ‘im, huh?
MetalWitch666: Nah. No fucking way, man. You’re just some fucking troll making big claims and writing checks your ass can’t cash.
DD: Man, I’ma make Claire cash every fuckin’ check I got come Monday, you dumb li’l bitch.
MetalWitch666: Dude, do you think I’m stupid? What the fuck?
DD: All I know ‘bout you is that you got bad taste in fighta’s. You know I already beat yo’ bitch, righ’? I whooped her ass when I won ma title months ago. I been cham-peen mo’ than 80 days righ’ now, m’fucka. Claire was the first fuckin’ stone I paved into ma path. You don’ wanna believe this is Dandy, fine, but I’ma make ya girl pay fo’ tha’ transgression, you got me?
MetalWitch666: Uh, yeah, sure, man. No fuckin’ way DD would use the word transgression. That inbred shitgibbon can’t say anything with more than 3 syllables.
DD: Well you dumb fuckin’ asshole, transgression only got three syllables, so I guess I’m king shit of syllable mount’in.
MetalWitch666’s voice starts to waiver a bit.
MetalWitch666: Look, man. There’s no fucking way you’re him though… right?
DD: I fuckin’ tol’ you already. It’s me! It’s me! It’s fuckin’ D-D!
MetalWitch666: For real?
DD: …
MetalWitch666: FOR REAL?!
DD: Do you know how fuckin’ bad I’ma whoop Claire’s ass ‘cause a’ this? It’s all gonna be your fault, too. I’ma ball up a tight ass fist an’ pop tha’ li’l lady righ’ in tha jaw. ”Claire, ya need better fans tha’ don’t get your ass whipped. BAM!”
MetalWitch666: No, man! No! Please! She’s incredible, Dandy! Please don’t make her go away again!
DD: Nah, ya see, motherfucker, I have this habbit of beatin’ the piss righ’ outta folks until they give up, cash in them chips and quit. Hannibal Hamilton did it. Claire did it before. Bull jus’ did it after bein’ aroun’ this profession for like a millenium. Wha’s the common link there, man?
MetalWitch666: Uh, it’s you, Dandy. You’re the link.
DD: Yeah! I’m the fuckin’ link! I retire motherfuckers! Ok, ok, so Claire’s retirement didn’t take, but I got the opportunity to fix that right fuggin’ quick, don’ I?
MetalWitch666: God, please don’t. She’s… I’ve been… Goddamn it, I just want to see her back in Action Wrestling!
DD: I gotta retire somebody, motherfucka. It’s kinda become my thing.
MetalWitch666: I mean, there’s always Anton Chase…
DD: You sayin’ I should break Anton right after the man returns all reinvented an’ shit? I dunno. Seems pretty cruel to me…
MetalWitch666: How is that any more cruel than taking Claire out again?!
DD: I dunno, man. It just feels different.
MetalWitch666: Goddamn it. You’re just fucking with me again.
DD laughs to himself as his online gaming partner grows frustrated himself.
MetalWitch666: I don’t know why I’m getting so fucking worked up anyway; there’s no way you’re DiVito. This is fucking stupid.
DD: I hope you watchin’ this week, man. I’ma name drop yo’ ass, so you know I ain’t no fuggin’ liar. You betta’ be watchin’, Claire.
DD hits a solid sniper-rifle headshot on MetalWitch666.
MetalWitch666: What the fuck, man?! We’re on the same team!
DD laughs to himself.
DD: Yup. Respawn so I can do it again, Claire.
MetalWitch666: This is bullshit! Fuck you!
Computer: Player has disconnected.
DD and Americana collapse into a fit of laughter.
DD: What pussy! Can’t take a little friendly fire!
Americana: I play now?
DD: Nah, man. Let’s get tha hell outta here.
Americana: Oh, come on, Dandy! What’s just one more game?
DD: You can stay if ya wan’, but I’ma go.
DD rises from his seated position and gathers up his things to leave. Americana hops off the couch to snag the controller from DD.
Americana: I’m going to stick around here.
DD: Ok, man. I’ll see you later.
The scene fades as DD leaves the house.
So Tort, Digger, and Camilla keep heaping these triple threats on my plate an’ hopin’ I’ma slip up against one’a these damn fools an’ embarrass myself. Las’ week, I called they bluff, and not only won tha mothafucka but made tha’ shit a surprise title defense.
This week, I got two more opponents. I guess nex’ week, I’ma have two mo’. The week aft’a tha’ I’ll have another two. Then anotha’ and anotha’ and anotha’ until I finally beat da shit outta every damn member a’ this AW roster. So I guess this is step two in tha’ plan, so Anton Chase an’ Claire Hawkins can expec’ their homecomin’s to be a bit less than friendly.
Anton thinks this match is gonna somehow earn his ass a title shot, but he ain’t been round too long again, so I’ll fill ‘im in on why that ain’t gon’ happen: mothafucka, I don’t give titleshots ta nobodies. Just cause you lookin’ all different, rockin’ tha’ hair cut and pretendin’ to not be the same mothafucka tha’ got walked on so much ya mighta well’a been called “The Doormat” in yo’ first run here don’ mean you suddenly in tha hunt for my cham-peenship or tha’ you gonna have any hope at all a’ puttin’ my shouldas ta the mat to win tha mothafucka.
Claire, man, I almos’ feel bad beatin’ her ass again. For her sake, I hope I pin her ass here. I mean, shit, how many times can I beat one ass without them factoring into the decision? I beat her ass at Carnage, but I pinned Money. Claire and TFK both took tha L wit’out havin’ ta eat ta pin. If tha’ happens ta Claire again, I guess she just snake bit. So bein’ the considerate fucka I am, I’m aimin’ ta pin Claire, so she ain’t gotta think about what mighta been an’ she ain’t gotta blame nobody else for her failures again.
See y’all at Clash. Can’t wait to open han’ smack some bitches in tha mouth. Gonna be a good ol’ time.
This week, I got two more opponents. I guess nex’ week, I’ma have two mo’. The week aft’a tha’ I’ll have another two. Then anotha’ and anotha’ and anotha’ until I finally beat da shit outta every damn member a’ this AW roster. So I guess this is step two in tha’ plan, so Anton Chase an’ Claire Hawkins can expec’ their homecomin’s to be a bit less than friendly.
Anton thinks this match is gonna somehow earn his ass a title shot, but he ain’t been round too long again, so I’ll fill ‘im in on why that ain’t gon’ happen: mothafucka, I don’t give titleshots ta nobodies. Just cause you lookin’ all different, rockin’ tha’ hair cut and pretendin’ to not be the same mothafucka tha’ got walked on so much ya mighta well’a been called “The Doormat” in yo’ first run here don’ mean you suddenly in tha hunt for my cham-peenship or tha’ you gonna have any hope at all a’ puttin’ my shouldas ta the mat to win tha mothafucka.
Claire, man, I almos’ feel bad beatin’ her ass again. For her sake, I hope I pin her ass here. I mean, shit, how many times can I beat one ass without them factoring into the decision? I beat her ass at Carnage, but I pinned Money. Claire and TFK both took tha L wit’out havin’ ta eat ta pin. If tha’ happens ta Claire again, I guess she just snake bit. So bein’ the considerate fucka I am, I’m aimin’ ta pin Claire, so she ain’t gotta think about what mighta been an’ she ain’t gotta blame nobody else for her failures again.
See y’all at Clash. Can’t wait to open han’ smack some bitches in tha mouth. Gonna be a good ol’ time.