Post by Sam Kidsgrove on Jan 13, 2019 17:42:13 GMT -5
And the Academy Award goes to…
By O.S.Carr
Written by Britts Arbest.
FADE IN
INT - AMERICAN DINER - MORNING
SAM KIDSGROVE and MATT DAMON are sitting, eating breakfast at a diner. Sam has pancakes, Matt has waffles.
DAMON
So I think I should show her my penis.
Kidsgrove drops his fork and stares at Damon for a beat, before getting angry
KIDSGROVE
Mother fucker! She’s done it again!
Damon starts laughing hysterically, before stealing Kidsgrove’s pancakes. Ben Affleck joins them
AFFLECK
What’s so funny?
DAMON
I just got him good, you know how I was telling you about that time loop shit that ol’ Sammy here got himself stuck in last week?
AFFLECK
Yeah?
DAMON
I got him so good! He was just about to go fight L Verez! This is funnier than when we watched Lego Batman and it was better than yours!
KIDSGROVE
You’re a stupid fuck, you know that?
DAMON
Yeah but I’m OK with it. I even made sure I wore the same shirt.
Damon starts another round of laughter as Kidsgrove looks at Affleck, pleadingly. Affleck just shrugs and shakes his head before sitting down next to Damon, slapping him on the back of the head on the way past.
AFFLECK
So what have we got ourselves here anyway?
Affleck takes the pancakes that Damon stole from Kidsgrove and starts to eat.
AFFLECK
Hmm, Blueberry.
DAMON
Hey! My pancakes!
KIDSGROVE
How are ya Ben?
AFFLECK
I’m good, much better, thanks man.
KIDSGROVE
That’s good, glad to hear that man, really. Rehab is a bitch.
AFFLECK
Yeah, did you know we’re selling the house as well?
KIDSGROVE
I heard man, bummer.
AFFLECK
Yeah, it is what it is though. I heard you are a Guardian again?
KIDSGROVE
Yeah, got recruited by L last week. Or should I say re-activated? Just in time as well really.
AFFLECK
Why?
DAMON
He’s fighting Wade Moor.
AFFLECK
Moor? Like Broseidon Moor, or whatever he's called now? Big Nilla or something?
DAMON
That’s the one, he’s brought back BeachKrew you know?
AFFLECK
What? I get into rehab for like 2 months and I come out and it's 2017 again?
DAMON
Something like that.
AFFLECK
Which clown decided that one?
KIDSGROVE
No idea, it might have been his idea to be fair. The guy is a complete and utter prick. He’s like number 2 on the Guardian hit list you know? Higher than Spencer Adams even.
AFFLECK
Good job on that last week by the way.
KIDSGROVE
Thanks, it wasn’t that hard in truth. Spencer Adams is a no talent hack these days, along with the rest of his FightSmart cronies. I’m expecting more of the same from our friend Wade Moor.
AFFLECK
Why is he on the Guardians’ list anyway?
KIDSGROVE
Aside from being a traitorous bastard, his long history with Bonnie and the fact he brought back the absolute worst faction in wrestling history?
AFFLECK
Well, yeah.
KIDSGROVE
He’s also a fucking prick. A bully and frankly another person who’s reputation far exceeds his ability. Quite frankly he annoys me, his faction annoys me and I honestly feel like this week is groundhog day yet again.
DAMON
I already did that joke, sorry
KIDSGROVE
No, it isn’t that. I’m just fed up of being thrown in matches against has been members of factions who quite honestly are the most overrated trash in the whole industry. Last week it was Spencer Adams, this week it’s fucking Wade Moor. And you know what makes matters worse?
DAMON
Oh no, Ben, don’t ask. Just walk away and leave it.
AFFLECK
What makes it worse?
Damon puts his head in his hands, pretending to cry.
DAMON
Here we go.
Kidsgrove slides his phone over the table to Affleck
KIDSGROVE
Take a look for yourself.
Affleck takes a look at the phone, it’s a card for the upcoming Clash.
KIDSGROVE
Notice anything?
Affleck is quiet for a moment
DAMON (muttering to himself)
Don’t say no, please don’t say no.
AFFLECK
No.
DAMON
Dammit!
Kidsgrove stands, he’s angry
KIDSGROVE
Wade Moor in action!
DAMON
Here we go
KIDSGROVE
Wade Moor in fucking action? They didn’t even have the fucking courtesy to say something like Wade Moor takes on his toughest challenge yet as he takes on Mr International Sam Kidsgrove, or Wade Moor takes on Sam Kidsgrove in one of the biggest matches on the roster. No, it’s Wade fucking Moor in fucking action. I’m not even named on the blurb!
AFFLECK
But your name is on the card, clearly.
KIDSGROVE
But not the blurb! Look! Andre gets a shot at the Championship! FightSmart has to defend the Tag Team Championships, Kuechly and Pastanak go one on one, Wade Moor in action, ALL OF THIS is just a few weeks before their EPIC HELL IN A CELL MATCH UP at Revolution II: WARGAMES!!
While Kidsgrove continues his rant, Affleck leans in to whisper to Damon
AFFLECK (to Damon)
I’m impressed that he didn’t even read the screen again, he really just reeled that off?
DAMON
Yeah, it’s not like he’s been obsessing about this at all, most of the week. It’s been like he’s been learning lines.
AFFLECK
OK, well this is slightly worrying. He’s still going.
DAMON
You’re telling me? You got lucky that you were in rehab to be honest and missed the worst of it. This is tame, nothing is broke yet.
The sound of smashing can be heard off screen as Kidsgrove has thrown a plate through a window.
DAMON
How can I get there again?
AFFLECK
What? Rehab? Drink a lot, pay a couple hundred grand.
Damon ponders this for a while
DAMON
Might be worth it.
AFFLECK
How we gonna calm him down?
DAMON
Dunno, you try - it’s your turn.
AFFLECK
Why should I try? I’m not cut out for this
DAMON
I don’t know, just do something, you’re fucking Batman for Christ’s sake. And Daredevil!
AFFLECK
You said you’d never mention that again! I apologised for Daredevil so many times.
DAMON
Well sue me, just get in there and be a man.
Affleck nervously looks at Kidsgrove who’s still ranting, currently shouting at a waitress.
DAMON
Just do something! What would Batman do?
AFFLECK
Erm, Hey big guy! The sun’s gettin’ real low.
DAMON
That’s not Batman!
AFFLECK
Hey! I’m trying to do at least something here! Would you shut up!
Kidsgrove has calmed down, clearly ranted himself into some order.
KIDSGROVEWhat are you two whispering about?
AFFLECK
Nothing
DAMON
Nada, we’re good.
KIDSGROVE
Good, sorry about that. I’m OK now, just so fucking frustrating you know?
DAMON
I getcha bro. I’m the same when they pass me over for an Oscar
AFFLECK
Me too, I surely deserve one by now!
DAMON
For what?
AFFLECK
Well
DAMON
Don’t say Batman
AFFLECK
I’m Batman
DAMON
Christ. I give up. Besides, I got bad news.
KIDSGROVE
About what?
DAMON
The Oscars. We’re not gonna get one this year. Even though I deserve one for Downsizing.
KIDSGROVE
Which was shit
DAMON
It was an important message!
KIDSGROVE
Yeah, how to do a film that’s not shit, do the opposite to that!
DAMON
Hey!
AFFLECK
Hold up, why aren’t we winning one?
DAMON
We’ve been invited to host.
KIDSGROVE AND AFFLECK
What?
DAMON
Yeah, Kevin Hart has refused because he said something bad years ago on Twitter and with people being complete fucking morons in 2019 he’s decided he’s not gonna do it because people will want to complain or some shit.
AFFLECK
What? That makes no sense.
KIDSGROVE
Yeah if anyone even looked at my Twitter history, well, it’d be a nightmare.
DAMON
Yeah it makes no sense, but after the MeToo bullshit that I got put through for daring to say something that made sense, I took the liberty to regularly clean all our social media history. So we’re kinda clean. I think that’s why they want us really, none of us has any sort of bad history on social media.
AFFLECK
I’ve just got out of rehab!
KIDSGROVE
I’ve been in there, twice. I’m pretty sure I had a criminal court case I had to defend and I’ve been in the news for bad shit most of my career. How am I even a candidate?
DAMON
You didn’t do it on Twitter. So it’s irrelevant. I mean you could kill a guy nowadays, but if it doesn’t go viral with a hashtag about you then you don’t have to worry about it.
AFFLECK
So when I did all that stuff that we can’t talk about because of the injunction?
DAMON
Never got on Twitter. Means didn’t happen. Academy does not give a fuck about it.
KIDSGROVE
So we host and we don’t get an Oscar?
DAMON
Nope, you don’t get to win one if you’re hosting, seen as self serving and all that shit.
KIDSGROVE
What a crock. What can we do about it?
DAMON
Turn it down?
AFFLECK
Not good enough, turn it down and that’ll be a story - again that will mean we won’t win one.
KIDSGROVE
Then what the fuck can we do?
AFFLECK
I have an idea. You might not like it.
TRANSITION TO
INT - Deserted warehouse - night.
KEVIN HART, the guy with the mouth who should host the Oscars is tied up on a chair, a single light over his head - unable to see because of the blindfold. Kidsgrove, Affleck and Damon are standing there looking down at him.
AFFLECK
Take off the gag and blindfold.
Kidsgrove takes them off and Kevin Hart looks around, getting his bearings - looking rather worried. He recognises the 3 immediately.
HART
What the fuck? What are you three clowns doing? You know what I’m gonna slap you! All of your asses, I swear to God. Just wait till the Rock hears about this, you’re gonna be in so much trouble. I tell you motherfuckers.
AFFLECK
Oh shut up Kevin, we’re not gonna hurt you, we just want to talk.
HART
You wanna talk? You pick up the phone! You don’t take a man from his own house, bundle him in a van and knock him out. Man, do you even know what talking is? This is talking, you use your mouth. You don’t kidnap someone, Batfleck. You’re a moron you know this?
DAMON
Batfleck, classic.
HART
Oh and you, fuck you, downsizing was shit.
DAMON
Below the belt, man! So harsh! It delivered an important message!
HART
Yeah, how to do a shit movie. And Kidsgrove, man. You’re in the wrestling biz, you know how tough those guys are. I know the Rock, we’re tight, he’s gonna come over here when he finds out and he’s gonna take you the fuck out, you know this right? He’s gonna come to your little indie fed and wipe you out, all of your asses, just because you don’t mess with his little brother, bitch. Man if I wasn’t in these ropes I’d be so taking you the fuck down myself right now. Motherfuckers.
DAMON
See, he’s angry, I knew he’d be angry
HART
No Shit! You kidnapped me!
AFFLECK
As we’ve said all we wanna do is talk.
HART
You have my cell! Who came up with this fucking idea? Kidsgrove? He’s an idiot, it sounds like something he’d do. Goddamn it. Tell you what, you guys let me go and I’ll make sure Wade Moor takes it easy on him.
KIDSGROVE
What?
HART
My Bro, the Rock - you know him? He’s like a big shot in the wrestling you know? He’s the biggest in the business, if you let me go now, I’ll make sure that Wade Moor only kills you, rather than shit on your body and turn you into a rug.
KIDSGROVE
What are you talkin’...
HART
It’s real simple, The Rock will call Wade Moor and ask him to take it easy on you, am I talking to a moron here? I swear you are - especially if you came up with this idea.
KIDSGROVE
I don’t need the Rock’s help with Wade Moor you crazy tiny man. No more than I need help in putting a fucking puppy down who has terminal cancer. He’s already a marked man, he’s already a dead man. We Guardians are not fucking around with him here - he’s going to be taken out. You see we have a history our little group and him, he’s right up there on the shit list and he’s just a guy who we’ve been waiting to get our hands on for a long time. And you know what? We’re going to enjoy it when I dismantle every single little part of him, I’m going to break him down piece by piece, little by little in excruciating detail. It’s going to be as painful as one of your little shitty movies with Dwayne. It’s going to be Jumanji. That’s what I’m going to do with him, he’ll wish that he was that Jonas brother at the end of it because it’ll feel like he’ll have gone through 30 years of loneliness and pain. Or one of your stand ups.
I mean honestly, we’ve been waiting for this, like Spencer Adams this man is going to know how it feels when fury and vengeance come down on him. Mr International does not fuck around, I’m ready to take it to him and make sure that this false god monster or whatever he’s billing himself as this week is taken down. We are sending a message to BeachKrew, just like I sent a message to Fightclub last week. We are not to be overlooked, we’re coming for them and to hell with anyone that gets in our way. So if you shut up for a minute then we’ll talk to you about what we wanted you for.
HART
Wow. Low blows man, low, fuck you. You aint got shit. Last time I saw you you were injecting insulin into yourself and cryin’ like a bitch because you can’t process sugar and God knows what film you were in last. You know that I know the Rock right I’ll..
Damon puts the gag back on.
DAMON
Man, he’s annoying
AFFLECK
Yeah, he is. Look Kevin, all we want you to do is host the fucking Oscars, that’s it. That’s all we’re asking of you.
HART responds, muffled by the gag. Damon takes it off.
HART
Why? And why could you not just have asked me this on the phone?
AFFLECK
We want you to host it because we don’t want to.
Hart visibly calms down on this news, seemingly feeling sorry for the trio, understanding what they're going through.
HART
They offered it to you then huh? Should have known. You know I had DiCaprio, Jackman and Efron all do a similar thing the other day, should have known it was to do with this, fuck. Man, I’d love to you know but my Twitter.
AFFLECK
Yeah we know, you said something bad about 10 years ago and people nowadays are fucking stupid. I know. We’re sorry about the kidnap thing, we really are. I mean in hindsight, I think just asking you to come out with us and talking about it would have probably been a better play.
HART
Nah, nah, it’s cool man. I mean I remember the other year, when we had the whitest Oscars ceremony in history, me, Chris Rock and the Rock went and did the same damn thing to Billy Crystal who was threatening to pull out.
While Damon is untying Hart, Kidsgrove starts to talk to the air, as if he’s hearing things.
KIDSGROVE
Dammit that scared the shit out of me. How are you doing this? Yeah I have Kevin Hart in a basement, yeah we kidnapped him. No, we weren’t going to do anything to him, we just wanted to talk. Release him? Sure, that’s what was happening anyway. Nah, that’s the old me - he was never in danger, just a little light intimidation that’s all. Yes I am aware I need to focus on Wade Moor, I’ve just been telling Kevin all about it. Yes he’s one of the top of the list and I know that we need to take him seriously, Jeez L, you’re going to have to trust me on this. Wade Moor is as good as gone, I’m ready for anything he can throw at me, that includes his Broseidon punch, which is a stupid name I agree, and the Unleash the Kraken. What’s a Leviathan? OK, that was rhetorical, don’t need the wiki entry read out to me right now. Listen I got this under control. Wade isn’t going to win, he’s going to feel our wrath and I’m going to make sure he suffers. Is that OK with you? Nice, thank you. I’ve gotta go now, catch you later.
HART
Man, you got some family shit goin’ on? That your wife?
KIDSGROVE
No, my boss. It’s complicated.
HART
Complicated, shit, that shit sounds like it's downright rocket science.
DAMON
Have you got some new earbuds? cause I can’t see them
KIDSGROVE
Nah, L can talk to me directly to my mind now, like she’s some sort of Patrick Stewart motherfucker. Alien tech is better than At&t that’s for sure.
AFFLECK
I’m impressed. So Kev, you doing the Oscars?
HART
Oh hell no, my Twitter game is way too messed up for that, you need to get someone else involved. Just turn down the Academy and accept the fall out, you bitches aint done anything Oscar worthy this year anyway.
AFFLECK
You motherfucker, I’m Batman.
FADE OUT
END