Post by Zombie McMorris on Jan 11, 2019 18:34:08 GMT -5
Chapter I: A Bull of His Own’
El Paso, Tx. Pro Bull Riding Association.
Ah-WAh-AH-AHaa
DUNDAH
Ah-Wah-aH-AAhh
DUNDAH
Guitar solo? Yah, sure; Guitar solo. Area rock fills the -well - the area. The bull riding area. Its smokey and loud and drunk with the three toothed collective. The chaw cheeked locals screamin out their vocals, getting finger banged in the isle and givin birth in that mellow yellow mile. The top of a cowboy hat pokes into frame. Zombie McMorris steps up and tightens the saddle on a bull; a big ol’ angry bull; King Dingus. ZMAC steps down and confronts Blaze.
“You ready for this boy?” Says ZMAC, spittin the brown wad from his cheek. “You ready to go out there and break this hogs spirit; tear into it and how it that your the bawse, Tony Danza and not that bitch ass Angela?”
“Yah!” Says Blaze confidently.
“I said, you ready to be the bawse?”
“Yah!” yells Blaze, with more enthusiasm.
“Whos the bawse, now; Bossman?”
“I’m the boss now, Bossman! YAAHH!” Blaze double slaps his face and hops up on the bull.
“Alright, folks, are you ready? Up next is the best damn cowboy this side of Tijuana… Beau.. Blaze!”
The gate flies open and the bull starts going crazy, bucking and throwing and kicking. Blaze tries to hold on, lasting roughly 5.2 seconds. Blaze falls off the bull as the bull continues to go crazy. Blaze gets up but the bull is bearing down on him. He runs as ZMAC hops over the fence to try and distract the bull but get gored in the process, right up the ass. Big O’ bull horn up the ass.. ZMAC flies in the air like a ragdoll. ZMAC gets to a knee with intestines hanging out his ass, lookin like he got a full load in his pants -> cuz he does. ZMAC locks in a front face lock and hops ontop of the bull. He pulls out his intestines, wraps it around the nulls next and starts choking him out. The bull grinds to a halt and crashes to the ground. Blaze runs up to check on him.
“ZMAC, ZMAC are you ok?”
“Mr. Stark.. I don’t feel so good. “
“Z, you saved my life.”
“Heh.. Gheeyy.”
Blackness
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Chapter II: Dat Good Juice
The Reemus McCayle Institute. Haddonfield, CT.
ZMAC lays up in bed within his hospital room. ZMACS on enough morphine to kill four bull elephants, however, he’s awake and sipping on a carton of apple juice. He looks down and cuts into his salisbury steak.
“Hmhmm, apple juice, white toast and salisbury steak. Its like a 4 star hilton.”
Blaze walks in the room with his cowboy hat in hand.
“Thanks again, Z. You really saved me from that bull. Sorry about your rectum”
“Aye, its fine. Cant wreck peoples wrektum if’n I cant take it myself; I’m not a stache.”
“You are a deeply layered man, Z.”
“I’ll tell you though, I didnt do it cuz I like you. I’d still spit on you but you grownin on me like a wart on my ballsack. However, like that wart on my ballsack, we in this together and we got a tag team championship to win. You think I’m going to fall to Kemp and Spencer? Hell, Spence is my boi and a straight up savage but you know what, so am I. I’m laid up, not laid out. I did what I did to preserve our chances at becoming champions. I been without gold for a bit too long and I aint about to watch my stock fall after I went to changed two divisions. Now this time, we get to change a third. FightSmart done fight -> fucked up. I have had their number since Link was in diapers cryin about being the best wrestler in the world or some ghey shit. I mean, its a matter of supply and demand. They demand that ghey shit and we hit em’ with that ghey shit. Its a matter of them being high and mighty on their fancy britches for far too long. We gotta go in there and make them eat that cake.”
“Z, you- ah, ok? You got too much morphine or sumthin?”
“Nah son, Morphines fine. Its that White Steven Special. Pure, unfiltered apple juice and that powder you know - “
“Cocaine?”
“Nah son, you don’t pair cocaine with this. This is high end shit. Real classy like. This is Motts, pure, Grade A. You pair it with that dip N lick powder. You know, came with the candy stick that you could ground up and snort off Rubys Mons Pubis. Cant get that up here. This is a dry county. If’n I want sum, I’ll have to go to the child cancer ward. Say, Blaze, could you be my speed racer and go get ya boi his fix?”
“This is dumb, you’re high out cha gord- which.. I dont even want to know how much that even is. “
“Theres enough steroids and morphine in me right now to take out a herd of elephants; a herd of elephants named FightSmart. Dumb, ignant elephants who walk around like their giant poops don’t giant stink with the stunk of saddness. Who are they but the ivory and who are we but the hunters. I’ll tell you who are we - we are the cocaine cowboys. We Tag team champions. We run this place. We do the thing cuz we got the guts. Blaze, could you be a dear and hand me my guts?”
“ Yah- hard pass.”
“That's fine, a man should handle his own guts. I respect that. Unlike how I respect FightSmart- which I don’t. “
ZMAC pulls his ass guts out from behind him, plops it on his lap and starts to stoke it like the head and back of a cat.
“That's why you’re the boss, angela. But anyway, fightsmart gonna come up against the coked up madman and the Cowboy from hell. We got this. When we meet them in the ring on Monday and those belts are on the line, we gonna snort them up. We gonna snatch them up and break them up. FightSmart, its an oxymoron because I aint never known anyone in Fightsmart to even be a world champion. But Spence, go ask Spence, who is it who crowned me a world champion. I’ve been a legend when these three were wetting their feet on the Yeets and the Yezy syrup. I was poopity scoopity before scoppin the poopity was kool. I was the shit talkin king of the undercard in the granddaddy Seth Lerch Mac daddy fed back when Spence and Kemp were cuttin promos in gyms and cryin in the fat folds of they mamas tittays. You were killin it in the rodeo scene. I’m not afraid two guys who can only be tag team champions because they cant be bigger singles champions even if they ran their own one man softball league. See, that's a double joke because only women play softball. I’m calling them women, Blaze.”
“Yah, yah I got that.”
“Good. Now go beat up a small child for the sake of character development on my sugary behalf.”
“ Yah, I’m not gonna do that. You just rest up in time for the match.”
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Chapter II: I still Have Merch to Sell
*ZMAC and Blaze are in a gymn standing inside of a ring. Both are sweaty as there is exercise equipment scattered throughout the ring. Blaze is hitting one of those have torso bags and ZMAC looks like ONG BOK, the Thai Warrior ( great movie, watch it after this you read this promo. Fuck fight smarts promos. They trash. ) ZMACS hitting that wooden pole with the sticks on it, complete with Bruce Lees signature on it. They both stop, turn, walk towards the ropes on the camera side. *
Blaze: Are you hosed brains fgts ready?
ZMAC: You’ve heard it, I’ve heard it, from noon to night -> P90X, DDPY, Zoombah, Roomah, HOola-hoop - hooplah -> Its all the same and its all bullshit. You wana get ripped and fast, you want to learn how to FIGHT SMART, like suppah doopah smart, put down that protein shake, stomp out that kale and tell fish oil pills to go fuck its self cuz the CowBoys from Hell are here to tell you the secrets of gettin in shape AND how to fight smart.
Blaze: That's right, Z, the first part of success to is to give up because aint no one got anywhere by trying. Realize that YOU out there aint shit - at least not yet. The house, the car, the kids - Pft, we all know Karens gonna take them anyway. You think you got it all but we’re here to tell you that you aint got it yet because we’re gonna give it to. This goes out to Fight Smart, we’re going to give them a lesson in truly, bare knuckled beatdown and we gone show them on Monday night when we take those tag team titles.
ZMAC: However, You, yes you, out there, can act now and for the low price of 69.69 can get our workout for free.
Blaze: Did I hear you right ol’ Z?
ZMAC: That's right you did. For the low low price of sending us $69.69, we’ll send you this 25 minute long boxset work out deal absolutely free.
Blaze: Did you say 25 minutes, why 25 minutes?
ZMAC: Because if you work longer than a half hour without pay, you’s a suckah and the Cowboys from Hell aint no suckahs.
Blaze : We got pushups, sit ups, I’ll even show you how to do a chinup with out a dick in yo mouth.
ZMAC: Whoa, Blaze, I didnt know it was possible to do a chinup without a dick in your mouth; that's why I aint never done one.
Blaze: That's why they call it the Spencer Adams Hot Tuesday Special. He and Kemp, dick working specialist. But with our program, you out there will just be regular old red blooded American Specialists. You’ll be able to defend yourself and your family from the following:
Ninja attack, bomb threat, gay nightclub shooting, cult like activity, being a homo, homo conversion therapy, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, dealing with the In-laws and much more!
And if you act now, we’ll throw in the bonus match of us defeating Fight Smart for absolutely free.
* fine print: payable for the price of S&H *
ZMAC: We’re coming after you FightSmart and the 8 Seconds to Hell is coming with us. We’re going to take your titles and revitalize the tag team division; something you couldnt do. It wasnt because you were dominant, just that you were uninspiring in the ring and on the mic. You generated no interest. You generated no income, but us Cowboys, we bringin that hype and there aint nothing you can do to stop it.
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