Post by Ace F’N Static on Jan 9, 2019 21:56:08 GMT -5
Off Camera
The Diary of Ace Dillinger
Febuary 1st, 2003
Age: 9
Ashbury Park, New Jersey
Dear Diary,
I’m really glad that Dad gave me this idea. With all the crap going on (Dad said not to use the S word anymore) I really need a place to go. And since I lack any real friends, unless you count Koko from the Silver Moon club dad goes to, I don’t think I have any. Who cares though, right? I’m going to be a rock protosha? That's what dad says. Protosha. And when I'm a rock protosha and a wressling legend, all before I’m old enough to drink, then everyone will wanna be my friend.
This morning there was a huge explosion in Texas. The space shuttle blasted up towards space, but then it blew up. People at school were real sad. But the explosion was cool!!! Fire and smoke and pieces of flaming junk all over the place. I want that at my rock concerts! I don’t get why everyone is sad though. There was a teacher on the shuttle and no one likes teachers. Nope. My mom always screams when she has to talk to Mr. Binchin the principle. “That jack ass knows shit about educating kids. Who did he blow to fucking keep his shit job.” That's my mom diary, don’t be mad. But thats how I know that no one likes teachers.
But that isn’t even the best part! They let us leave school early and my mom was mad so she told me to go with dad. And I had lots of fun. Koko showed me how to tie a cherry stem with my tongue. She says its a skill I will need. Whatever that means. And then she gave me twenty bucks. She keeps her money with her boobs. I think that's why guys stare at them, cause they know that's where the money is. But I took that money and the other money she has given me and an amp! I’m not sure what it does, but I know I’ll need it when I buy a guitar. The pawn shop had a really cheap one for forty dollars. When I get enough money for a guitar, which is like a gazillion dollars, I will be an instant rock legend. That's what dads says.Says its in my jeans. I looked though, I didn’t see anything in my jeans but me.
But, I also saw one of Koko’s boobs. I got really warm and then wondered what the pink pokey thing was. I have them too, but mine didn’t look like KoKo’s. I gotta ask dad about that.
The best rock protosha ever
Ace Dillinger
On Camera
Cell Phone Video of Ace Dillinger
The Gold Nugget Bar
Spread Eagle, WI
(I seriously was shocked when the tour bus rolled through this little shithole on US 2. A town called Spread Eagle?!?! There has to be some kick ass babes around here just waiting to show off how that name was selected. So of course, there is shit here. A little strip club. I figured, hell, this has to be the place to find them. Boy, was a fucking wrong. The women in here couldn’t get a real job cause of the amount of babies they spit out for welfare, so they came here to strip and get paid to be naked this time. Seriously though, I wouldn’t stuff change into their panties. Especially that one girl with the weird eye and lopsided tits. Ouch. Thats why your Rock God, the man that you want to dive between your thighs and tell you lies with the tip of his tongue, Ace Fuckin Dillinger, is setting up his cell phone. Time for a little on the road update with the sexiest reporter on earth, me.)
“ACTION WRESTLING! WHATS UP BITCHEZ! It’s your boy...thats b-o-y, not that other gay ass pelling, Ace Dillinger. And let me tell you something. We did not find gold at the Gold Nugget. We found piles and piles of shit. The women here couldn’t give a blow job away for free. This is worse than that train wreck in Albuquerque. At least those girls only had butter faces. This though, this is just plain ugly. There isn't enough coke to make this right.”
(Or weed. Or alcohol. Or any other mind altering, life changing substance. Just no.)
“That why I’m coming to you live from the back table of this dungeon of horrors to get you hyped. ASiD is no more, we disbanded. The boys thought they were better than me. But I WAS ASID! I was the entire reason they existed and now they can go and fuck themselves. Because I have made good on my promise to bring my style of awesome to the squared circle. When the smartest man on the planet Torture saw I was available for the ring, well he knew a sure thing when he saw it. And BAM! Like MJ dropping a basketball on your ass from up high your boy is now an Action Wrestling megastar. And on Monday, January fourteenth, the whole world will be witness to the Architect of Awesome and the best dam rocker ever to strum a guitar. And Apex Onyx, Bishop, and Dark Tiger will get first hand knowledge of what it’s like to step into the ring with greatness!”
“You want me to show you how a real woman does things round here honey?”
(My look of disgust must not have been obvious, or she was just oblivious to it)
“If it involves you and less clothes, then I would rather wrap my dick in bacon and face fuck a grizzly bear.”
(Wow. She was faster than I thought. She almost slapped me. But that bouncer, he don’t look to happy. I look back at my phone and wink to the camera)
“Don’t worry, this isn’t the last of me you guys will get to see. Ladies, keep those panties moist in Boston, I’ll be there to fix your ails soon.”
(A stop and go moment, as that bouncer is definitely heading this way and I really don’t need a repeat of Albuquerque this close to my next probation hearing. Boston is still a day away, so we mights as well get going now.)
OFF Camera
January 25th, 2018
Albuquerque, New Mexico
22 weeks before The Incident that breaks up ASiD
{A trashed hotel room at 2 in the morning. Ace Dillinger, lead man for the band ASiD is currently snorting what can only be a line of cocaine off the tits of a stripper just over the age of twenty with enough silicon in her tits to float a pontoon boat. His other band members and various “escorts” are scattered around the room. A man walks in that looks like he gets his dress style from old, cheesy gangster movies. Sal Vitoola, lawyer, promoter, and manager of ASiD, and more importantly of Ace, enters the room roughly. His card you see, it wasn’t working right, and of course he is attempting to appease hotel security and management...you get the picture. As Sal gets the door closed and looks round, you can see it start to pale. A laughing Ace stumbles to his feet and walks to his third cousin, twice removed.}
“SAL! You beastly motherfucker, grab some coke, grab some tits, let loose man. You hooked us up! That gig was great...”
“Ace…”
“...no man it was seriously fantastic. We know it was a gig to play music for wrestling, but people really came to see us....”
“Ace…”
“...and man the girls were wild. Look at all this ass that came with us…”
“ACE!”
{Ace stops talking, a semi blank look on his face}
“Yeah duder?”
{Sal leans in close to his cousins ear}
“I was just talking with management. Apparently, they have gotten a lot of complaints about the noise and they can hear shit breaking. Also, and this is real important Ace, that was a high school.”
“Fuck it, just give management some money and tell them itll be all good in the hood. They won’t….wait, what was that last part?”
“High school Ace. As in J-A-I-L-B-A-I-T.”
{Ace looks around, then seems to instantly sober up and his face drops}
“Fuck. I swear to god these fine ass bitches these days need to carry an ID tagged to their fucking heads!”
“Ace, calm the fuck down.”
“YOU CALM DOWN!”
{Ace stares at his cousin, who is slightly confused}
“I am calm..”
“Right. I knew that, I wanted to see if you knew. Good catch Sal. Okay, get a hold if Jimmy, tell him to start the bus. Most these bitches are passed out anyways and with a little bit of foot to ass, I can get the rest of the guys on the bus and out of here before anyone comes looking for their future hoe of America.”
{Sal just shakes his head}
“Ace, that might be too late. You might just have to consider that you’ll never play New Mexico again.”
{Ace shrugs}
“They got all this in old Mexico too. We’ll just have to play there. Come on guys,we gotta roll.”
{Ace starts waking guys up and getting them out the door. Sal, meanwhile shakes his head, that knowing shake of “It isn’t that easy”. He pulls out a lot of money from his pocket and starts to count it, trying to determine how much of his money and Ace’s personal stash this is going to take to make this disappear}
ON CAMERA
Hyatt Regency Boston Harbor Hotel
Present Day
Scheduled Interview with Shia LeBeouf
(Calm?! Fuck calm! I can not be calm people. Not when I am about to turn Action Wrestling on its ear and set the place on fucking fire! And now I’m kicking it at the Hyatt Regency, because thats how I roll bitches. Suppose to do some interview or some shit for AW. Well it’s one thirty and here I am. Where the fuck is this crew suppose to be? And who is this dark haired beauty walking my way? Ah shit, I didn’t bring a black marker for signing bras.)
“Excuse me, you are Ace Dillinger, correct?”
“Fuck yeah I am. And I can tell you, the pants, they isn't lying if ya get my drift baby!”
“Ummm, ok... I’m Shia LeBeouf and I will be doing the interview with you today. We have a crew outside ready to go if you will just follow me.”
(If I will just follow her. You see that ass? Of course I’m following.)
“Whatever you say honey hips.”
“Excuse me?”
(Warning Ace: PC alarms have been detected. Warning)
“Oh right, wherever you're going. I’m ready for this."
(I will admit, I don’t mind following a woman. A great ass is a terrible thing to waste. But why the hell are we in this parking lot? Seriously, I’m Ace fucking Dillinger, not some scrub! This is low-fucking-brow. I’ma have a word bout this.)
“Hello Action Wrestling, I’m Shia and I’m standing with the newest signee to Action Wrestling, Ace Dillinger. How’s it feel to be signed to AW?”
“How does it feel? Fucking great. Shit, Torture knew what he was doing. He sees what I have in store for this brand and he knew he needed the hottest thing going today. And your looking at him honey, Ace Fucking Dillinger. “
(I can see you looking Shia, that look of standing next to greatness. Get use to it baby)
“This week is your first match inside an AW ring and you face off against not one, but three other competitors in a fatal four way. Are you concerned that you won’t get a good showing?”
(Wow...okay, this bitch mustn’t know whats going on here)
“Are you fucking serious? Look Shia, I’m sure you are really good at holding dick shaped objects up to a mouth, but you obviously have zero idea about the Architect of Awesome. So let me spell it out for you. No wait.”
“Let me tell all of them out there. Especially those three sorry sons of bitches I get to deal with this coming Monday, right here in Boston. Let me start with Apex Onyx. What in the blue hell kind of a fucking name is that? Did your mom hate you? Dad not love you? Sister pinched your dick when you were a kid? Whatever the reason, this is obviously not only the worse choice for a name ever, but the least likely to be taken serious. Who are you really? Are you even a member of the website? I didn’t see your name on the roster, so I am assuming your the janitor or something.”
(Someone has to clean the shit out of the toilets. Enter Apex)
“And Dark Tiger. Seriously, does no one around here understand that their name means everything? And this...this is the best that a seven foot goob could come up with. Dark. Tiger. Why not big fucking goob? How about gigantocous assholious? Seriously, anything...I mean anything...would have been a better choice then this. Even if your name was fucking Chester, which it looks like it is when you look at your bio pic. Reaching out for the camera like a man trying to love on it. Your as attractive as my asshole after a night of Taco Bell.”
(Product placement: check!)
“Then you round out this pack of retards with Bishop. Now lets be honest, this man has been here so long, he should be top dawg and running the show. Instead he has spent his entire career at the bottom rung, clawing at anything they throw his way. Mans so hungry, he’d eat a dick if he thought it would get him a title shot. Maybe you should go shine a knob Bishop, little bit of patty cake with the uppers. Something, anything to get yourself relevant.Because you are far from it. Playing patsy to the low carders and new comers.”
(Which is me of course, but I don’t mean me)
“This isn’t what I signed up for! I’m not here to play peek a fucking boo with the shit stains of AW! I’m here to set this place on fire and show the world just exactly what they want and need. And that is a whole lot of Ace in their lives. And for some of the better looking ones, you to Shia, in their pants. Or skirt. Or bra. Or wherever they need some Ace, I’ll sauce them up.”
(Oh no, don’t talk!)
“Shooosh Shhhhhh. I’m not finished yet. But these three jabronis are. Come Monday, you three jack asses will be in the presence of awesomeness. And this is a fatal fourway, so there isn’t a dam thing anyone can do about what I am going to do. So expect some chairs stuffed in asses, tables upside ya head, anything and everything. And when the smoke clears and the final rift is played, everyone….and I mean EVERYONE….will look upon the Architect of Awesome and realize...that I am the fucking god they didn’t know they needed. Now Shia.”
“Yes?”
“How bout we go out for some pizza and a fuck?”
(LOL she scoffed. I didn’t know people still did that. And she stormed off. I tried to get her back)
“Hey where ya going? You don’t like pizza?”
(But I didn’t try to hard. But on Monday, ooooo on Monday bitchez. Your asses are about to get Aced!)
The Diary of Ace Dillinger
Febuary 1st, 2003
Age: 9
Ashbury Park, New Jersey
Dear Diary,
I’m really glad that Dad gave me this idea. With all the crap going on (Dad said not to use the S word anymore) I really need a place to go. And since I lack any real friends, unless you count Koko from the Silver Moon club dad goes to, I don’t think I have any. Who cares though, right? I’m going to be a rock protosha? That's what dad says. Protosha. And when I'm a rock protosha and a wressling legend, all before I’m old enough to drink, then everyone will wanna be my friend.
This morning there was a huge explosion in Texas. The space shuttle blasted up towards space, but then it blew up. People at school were real sad. But the explosion was cool!!! Fire and smoke and pieces of flaming junk all over the place. I want that at my rock concerts! I don’t get why everyone is sad though. There was a teacher on the shuttle and no one likes teachers. Nope. My mom always screams when she has to talk to Mr. Binchin the principle. “That jack ass knows shit about educating kids. Who did he blow to fucking keep his shit job.” That's my mom diary, don’t be mad. But thats how I know that no one likes teachers.
But that isn’t even the best part! They let us leave school early and my mom was mad so she told me to go with dad. And I had lots of fun. Koko showed me how to tie a cherry stem with my tongue. She says its a skill I will need. Whatever that means. And then she gave me twenty bucks. She keeps her money with her boobs. I think that's why guys stare at them, cause they know that's where the money is. But I took that money and the other money she has given me and an amp! I’m not sure what it does, but I know I’ll need it when I buy a guitar. The pawn shop had a really cheap one for forty dollars. When I get enough money for a guitar, which is like a gazillion dollars, I will be an instant rock legend. That's what dads says.Says its in my jeans. I looked though, I didn’t see anything in my jeans but me.
But, I also saw one of Koko’s boobs. I got really warm and then wondered what the pink pokey thing was. I have them too, but mine didn’t look like KoKo’s. I gotta ask dad about that.
The best rock protosha ever
Ace Dillinger
Cell Phone Video of Ace Dillinger
The Gold Nugget Bar
Spread Eagle, WI
(I seriously was shocked when the tour bus rolled through this little shithole on US 2. A town called Spread Eagle?!?! There has to be some kick ass babes around here just waiting to show off how that name was selected. So of course, there is shit here. A little strip club. I figured, hell, this has to be the place to find them. Boy, was a fucking wrong. The women in here couldn’t get a real job cause of the amount of babies they spit out for welfare, so they came here to strip and get paid to be naked this time. Seriously though, I wouldn’t stuff change into their panties. Especially that one girl with the weird eye and lopsided tits. Ouch. Thats why your Rock God, the man that you want to dive between your thighs and tell you lies with the tip of his tongue, Ace Fuckin Dillinger, is setting up his cell phone. Time for a little on the road update with the sexiest reporter on earth, me.)
“ACTION WRESTLING! WHATS UP BITCHEZ! It’s your boy...thats b-o-y, not that other gay ass pelling, Ace Dillinger. And let me tell you something. We did not find gold at the Gold Nugget. We found piles and piles of shit. The women here couldn’t give a blow job away for free. This is worse than that train wreck in Albuquerque. At least those girls only had butter faces. This though, this is just plain ugly. There isn't enough coke to make this right.”
(Or weed. Or alcohol. Or any other mind altering, life changing substance. Just no.)
“That why I’m coming to you live from the back table of this dungeon of horrors to get you hyped. ASiD is no more, we disbanded. The boys thought they were better than me. But I WAS ASID! I was the entire reason they existed and now they can go and fuck themselves. Because I have made good on my promise to bring my style of awesome to the squared circle. When the smartest man on the planet Torture saw I was available for the ring, well he knew a sure thing when he saw it. And BAM! Like MJ dropping a basketball on your ass from up high your boy is now an Action Wrestling megastar. And on Monday, January fourteenth, the whole world will be witness to the Architect of Awesome and the best dam rocker ever to strum a guitar. And Apex Onyx, Bishop, and Dark Tiger will get first hand knowledge of what it’s like to step into the ring with greatness!”
(I felt real fucking good. Too bad that snaggle toothed, drippy titty, no ass having woman had to walk up.)
(My look of disgust must not have been obvious, or she was just oblivious to it)
“If it involves you and less clothes, then I would rather wrap my dick in bacon and face fuck a grizzly bear.”
(Wow. She was faster than I thought. She almost slapped me. But that bouncer, he don’t look to happy. I look back at my phone and wink to the camera)
“Don’t worry, this isn’t the last of me you guys will get to see. Ladies, keep those panties moist in Boston, I’ll be there to fix your ails soon.”
(A stop and go moment, as that bouncer is definitely heading this way and I really don’t need a repeat of Albuquerque this close to my next probation hearing. Boston is still a day away, so we mights as well get going now.)
January 25th, 2018
Albuquerque, New Mexico
22 weeks before The Incident that breaks up ASiD
{A trashed hotel room at 2 in the morning. Ace Dillinger, lead man for the band ASiD is currently snorting what can only be a line of cocaine off the tits of a stripper just over the age of twenty with enough silicon in her tits to float a pontoon boat. His other band members and various “escorts” are scattered around the room. A man walks in that looks like he gets his dress style from old, cheesy gangster movies. Sal Vitoola, lawyer, promoter, and manager of ASiD, and more importantly of Ace, enters the room roughly. His card you see, it wasn’t working right, and of course he is attempting to appease hotel security and management...you get the picture. As Sal gets the door closed and looks round, you can see it start to pale. A laughing Ace stumbles to his feet and walks to his third cousin, twice removed.}
“SAL! You beastly motherfucker, grab some coke, grab some tits, let loose man. You hooked us up! That gig was great...”
“Ace…”
“...no man it was seriously fantastic. We know it was a gig to play music for wrestling, but people really came to see us....”
“Ace…”
“...and man the girls were wild. Look at all this ass that came with us…”
“ACE!”
{Ace stops talking, a semi blank look on his face}
“Yeah duder?”
{Sal leans in close to his cousins ear}
“I was just talking with management. Apparently, they have gotten a lot of complaints about the noise and they can hear shit breaking. Also, and this is real important Ace, that was a high school.”
“Fuck it, just give management some money and tell them itll be all good in the hood. They won’t….wait, what was that last part?”
“High school Ace. As in J-A-I-L-B-A-I-T.”
{Ace looks around, then seems to instantly sober up and his face drops}
“Fuck. I swear to god these fine ass bitches these days need to carry an ID tagged to their fucking heads!”
“Ace, calm the fuck down.”
“YOU CALM DOWN!”
{Ace stares at his cousin, who is slightly confused}
“I am calm..”
“Right. I knew that, I wanted to see if you knew. Good catch Sal. Okay, get a hold if Jimmy, tell him to start the bus. Most these bitches are passed out anyways and with a little bit of foot to ass, I can get the rest of the guys on the bus and out of here before anyone comes looking for their future hoe of America.”
{Sal just shakes his head}
“Ace, that might be too late. You might just have to consider that you’ll never play New Mexico again.”
{Ace shrugs}
“They got all this in old Mexico too. We’ll just have to play there. Come on guys,we gotta roll.”
{Ace starts waking guys up and getting them out the door. Sal, meanwhile shakes his head, that knowing shake of “It isn’t that easy”. He pulls out a lot of money from his pocket and starts to count it, trying to determine how much of his money and Ace’s personal stash this is going to take to make this disappear}
ON CAMERA
Hyatt Regency Boston Harbor Hotel
Present Day
Scheduled Interview with Shia LeBeouf
(Calm?! Fuck calm! I can not be calm people. Not when I am about to turn Action Wrestling on its ear and set the place on fucking fire! And now I’m kicking it at the Hyatt Regency, because thats how I roll bitches. Suppose to do some interview or some shit for AW. Well it’s one thirty and here I am. Where the fuck is this crew suppose to be? And who is this dark haired beauty walking my way? Ah shit, I didn’t bring a black marker for signing bras.)
“Excuse me, you are Ace Dillinger, correct?”
“Fuck yeah I am. And I can tell you, the pants, they isn't lying if ya get my drift baby!”
“Ummm, ok... I’m Shia LeBeouf and I will be doing the interview with you today. We have a crew outside ready to go if you will just follow me.”
(If I will just follow her. You see that ass? Of course I’m following.)
“Whatever you say honey hips.”
“Excuse me?”
(Warning Ace: PC alarms have been detected. Warning)
“Oh right, wherever you're going. I’m ready for this."
(I will admit, I don’t mind following a woman. A great ass is a terrible thing to waste. But why the hell are we in this parking lot? Seriously, I’m Ace fucking Dillinger, not some scrub! This is low-fucking-brow. I’ma have a word bout this.)
“Hello Action Wrestling, I’m Shia and I’m standing with the newest signee to Action Wrestling, Ace Dillinger. How’s it feel to be signed to AW?”
“How does it feel? Fucking great. Shit, Torture knew what he was doing. He sees what I have in store for this brand and he knew he needed the hottest thing going today. And your looking at him honey, Ace Fucking Dillinger. “
(I can see you looking Shia, that look of standing next to greatness. Get use to it baby)
“This week is your first match inside an AW ring and you face off against not one, but three other competitors in a fatal four way. Are you concerned that you won’t get a good showing?”
(Wow...okay, this bitch mustn’t know whats going on here)
“Are you fucking serious? Look Shia, I’m sure you are really good at holding dick shaped objects up to a mouth, but you obviously have zero idea about the Architect of Awesome. So let me spell it out for you. No wait.”
(Record scratch bitches. New tune flowing)
(Someone has to clean the shit out of the toilets. Enter Apex)
“And Dark Tiger. Seriously, does no one around here understand that their name means everything? And this...this is the best that a seven foot goob could come up with. Dark. Tiger. Why not big fucking goob? How about gigantocous assholious? Seriously, anything...I mean anything...would have been a better choice then this. Even if your name was fucking Chester, which it looks like it is when you look at your bio pic. Reaching out for the camera like a man trying to love on it. Your as attractive as my asshole after a night of Taco Bell.”
(Product placement: check!)
“Then you round out this pack of retards with Bishop. Now lets be honest, this man has been here so long, he should be top dawg and running the show. Instead he has spent his entire career at the bottom rung, clawing at anything they throw his way. Mans so hungry, he’d eat a dick if he thought it would get him a title shot. Maybe you should go shine a knob Bishop, little bit of patty cake with the uppers. Something, anything to get yourself relevant.Because you are far from it. Playing patsy to the low carders and new comers.”
(Which is me of course, but I don’t mean me)
“This isn’t what I signed up for! I’m not here to play peek a fucking boo with the shit stains of AW! I’m here to set this place on fire and show the world just exactly what they want and need. And that is a whole lot of Ace in their lives. And for some of the better looking ones, you to Shia, in their pants. Or skirt. Or bra. Or wherever they need some Ace, I’ll sauce them up.”
(Oh no, don’t talk!)
“Shooosh Shhhhhh. I’m not finished yet. But these three jabronis are. Come Monday, you three jack asses will be in the presence of awesomeness. And this is a fatal fourway, so there isn’t a dam thing anyone can do about what I am going to do. So expect some chairs stuffed in asses, tables upside ya head, anything and everything. And when the smoke clears and the final rift is played, everyone….and I mean EVERYONE….will look upon the Architect of Awesome and realize...that I am the fucking god they didn’t know they needed. Now Shia.”
“Yes?”
“How bout we go out for some pizza and a fuck?”
(LOL she scoffed. I didn’t know people still did that. And she stormed off. I tried to get her back)
“Hey where ya going? You don’t like pizza?”
(But I didn’t try to hard. But on Monday, ooooo on Monday bitchez. Your asses are about to get Aced!)