Post by Dandy DiVito on Jan 6, 2019 23:49:52 GMT -5
The scene opens in a library. Dandy DiVito and Americana are walking the stacks aimlessly without really looking at any book in particular. As they wander, they continually trade off with juvenile and playful physical assaults on one another. Americana cocks back his hand and throws it out at DD’s groin. DD takes the blow to his junk and lets out a loud, breathy groan as he drops to his knees. He musters to laugh as he holds his balls and groans out to Americana.
DD: A sack tap, bruh? Shit, man. I ain’t seen none a’ tha’ since middle school.
Americana: You know, Dandy…
Americana gestures to a book about Japanese military strategies in World War II that rests on a shelf immediately above DD’s head.
Americana: The Japanese very good at sneak attack.
Americana winks as DD laughs and groans in pain.
DD: I’ma getchu back, Meri. I’ma getchu back, you fugger.
Americana extends his hand to help DD back to his feet. As DD rises, he smirks at Americana.
DD: I’m gonna come fas’ as lightnin’, man.
Americana bursts out laughing. DD is confused.
DD: Wha’? ... oh. Well, da champ ain’t no two pump chump!
The guys share a laugh.
Americana: So why did you bring us to a library?
DD: Come on, man. You know. We gotta study tha opposition.
Americana: But how we do that here?
DD: Let’s find tha’ children’s book section, and I’ll show you.
Americana reacts skeptically.
Americana: Children’s books? Uh, ok…?
The two men wander the library for a stretch looking for the section of kids books. They round one of the stacks, and DD spots a display of children’s picture books on a shelf in the distance.
Americana: What are you looking for?
DD: There’s this one book ‘bout these things that come to life when there ain’t no people lookin’. One of ‘em’s a space man. One’s a cowboy. One’s a dinosaur. You know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout?
Americana: That’s a movie.
DD: Nah, man. It’s a book.
Americana: No, Dandy. That’s Toy Story. It’s Disney.
DD: Toy Story?
Americana: Yeah. Toy Story. Woody. Buzz Lightyear. Rex. Bo Peep. Toys come to life when their human isn’t looking. It’s Toy Story.
DD: Nah. Never heard of it. The one I’m thinkin’ a is called Asshole Story. A space man’s asshole comes to life all on it’s own, an’ the cowboy’s asshole is jealous. There’s a neighbor kid named Sid who tortures assholes for fun. I can’t believe you never heard a Asshole Story.
Americana: You want me to believe they make a story for children called Asshole Story?
DD: Hey, man. You can believe me or not, I know that fuggin’ book is the real deal. It’s got pop ups an’ e’erything. They got one pull-tab bit in there were it looks like a rocket is goin’ in the space man’s asshole. It’s a bit much for the youngin’s if ya ask me, but I dind’t write tha damn thing and who am I ta judge, ya know?
Americana: Dandy, cut shit.
DD: What?
Americana: Just stop messing with me. Why we at library?
DD: Didn’t believe it at all?
Americana: Hell no. I’m an immigrant, not a moron. You brought me all the way to library to tell me this stupid story? You committed to joke, Dandy.
DD laughs and slaps Americana in the groin with the back of his hand. Americana drops like a sack of shit and makes similar breathy groan noises to those made by DD after the earlier sack tap.
DD: Fas’ as lightnin’!
Americana writhes on the ground while DD gloats over the top of him.
DD: Come on, Meri. Get up. I’ll explain e’rythin’.
DD extends his hand to help Americana up. Americana slowly rises to his feet.
Americana: How the hell does this place get you any closer to beating Karlie and Ultimate Destroyer?
DD: Well, it gives us a place to talk strategy that we know damn well that neither Karlie or Destroya will every consider steppin’ foot in. Karlie is allergic to books, and I’m not sure Destroya knows what a library is let ‘lone where to fin’ it.
Americana: Is there some sort of big secret about this week?
DD: I mean, nah. I’ma whoop both they asses without all tha’ much worry or nothin’.
Americana: So… why the library?
DD: Honestly, I just got you here to see if I could.
DD laughs.
Americana: You drug me all the way here to see if I’d come?
DD: Man, what the fug else was we gon’ do in Tampa anyway? Tampa is Florida’s asshole an’ it hovers right ova’ tha’ toilet bowl that is tha’ gulf.
Americana: All this effort… all this time we just wasted… Just to fuck with me?
DD: I mean, kinda.
DD laughs and slaps Americana on the back cordially as a smile spreads across Americana’s face.
Americana: Champion of the United States and champion of pranking Americana!
DD: Let’s get tha fuck outta this place, a’ight?
Americana: You sure you don’t want to look at anything while we’re here?
DD: Nah, man. I can read jus’ fine, but I ain’t ‘bout that life, bruh. I ain’t no reader.
The library scene fades, and we open again at the arena. DD is getting ready for his match in his locker room, and Americana is sitting on a folding chair in the corner reading Hop On Pop. DD laughs and remarks.
DD: Still can’t believe you stole tha’ shit.
Americana: I figure if Karlie would go out of her way to read things like this, I might get some understanding of her by reading it.
DD: Ain’t that the one that says you should fuck your dad?
Americana: I… uh… No.
DD: How you mean? It says “Hop/Pop/We like to hop./We like to hop/on top of Pop.” Don’t it? I mean, how am I supp’sed ta read that if it ain’t “fuck your dad”? Them daddy issues explains some shit ‘bout why Karlie swings how she does, too. Flashes a’ rage and rejection a’ tha’ peen all explained by a fugged up daddy history. I’m jus’ sayin’ I think Karlie mighta’ hopped on Pop, it ya’ know what I mean.
Americana stares at DD silently, astonished by his ignorant confidence.
DD: All I know for sure is that I ain’t no referee, so I ain’t gotta worry about her come time for the match. She can’t beat nobody that ain’t no zebra, so I ain’t sweatin’ her at all.
Americana: She was almost the World Champion a few weeks ago. She had the match won.
DD: She got the belt, Meri?
Americana: Well, no.
DD: Then she ain’t shit. I got no time for these do-nothin’ losers like Karlie fuggin’ Nash.
Americana: She’s not your only opponent though. What about Ultimate Destroyer?
DD: I beat that joke before, and I’ll beat ‘em again. I ain’t worried ‘bout that utter dipshit at all. I’m more worried about steppin’ in one’a his shits on the entrance ramp than I am ‘bout losin’ to ‘im in tha’ ring. I mean, shit, he couldn’t beat Corey Bull, and I wrecked that big bitch so bad he tucked his balls up between his legs an’ went home for good. Ultimate Destroyer is gonna get his shit pushed in, Meri. Straight up eyes-turned-brown kinda action.
The pair is silent for a stretch.
DD: I can’t wait to tell these two dipshits what surprise I have in store for ‘em, Meri. They ain’t gon’ see it comin’.
The scene fades.
DD: A sack tap, bruh? Shit, man. I ain’t seen none a’ tha’ since middle school.
Americana: You know, Dandy…
Americana gestures to a book about Japanese military strategies in World War II that rests on a shelf immediately above DD’s head.
Americana: The Japanese very good at sneak attack.
Americana winks as DD laughs and groans in pain.
DD: I’ma getchu back, Meri. I’ma getchu back, you fugger.
Americana extends his hand to help DD back to his feet. As DD rises, he smirks at Americana.
DD: I’m gonna come fas’ as lightnin’, man.
Americana bursts out laughing. DD is confused.
DD: Wha’? ... oh. Well, da champ ain’t no two pump chump!
The guys share a laugh.
Americana: So why did you bring us to a library?
DD: Come on, man. You know. We gotta study tha opposition.
Americana: But how we do that here?
DD: Let’s find tha’ children’s book section, and I’ll show you.
Americana reacts skeptically.
Americana: Children’s books? Uh, ok…?
The two men wander the library for a stretch looking for the section of kids books. They round one of the stacks, and DD spots a display of children’s picture books on a shelf in the distance.
Americana: What are you looking for?
DD: There’s this one book ‘bout these things that come to life when there ain’t no people lookin’. One of ‘em’s a space man. One’s a cowboy. One’s a dinosaur. You know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout?
Americana: That’s a movie.
DD: Nah, man. It’s a book.
Americana: No, Dandy. That’s Toy Story. It’s Disney.
DD: Toy Story?
Americana: Yeah. Toy Story. Woody. Buzz Lightyear. Rex. Bo Peep. Toys come to life when their human isn’t looking. It’s Toy Story.
DD: Nah. Never heard of it. The one I’m thinkin’ a is called Asshole Story. A space man’s asshole comes to life all on it’s own, an’ the cowboy’s asshole is jealous. There’s a neighbor kid named Sid who tortures assholes for fun. I can’t believe you never heard a Asshole Story.
Americana: You want me to believe they make a story for children called Asshole Story?
DD: Hey, man. You can believe me or not, I know that fuggin’ book is the real deal. It’s got pop ups an’ e’erything. They got one pull-tab bit in there were it looks like a rocket is goin’ in the space man’s asshole. It’s a bit much for the youngin’s if ya ask me, but I dind’t write tha damn thing and who am I ta judge, ya know?
Americana: Dandy, cut shit.
DD: What?
Americana: Just stop messing with me. Why we at library?
DD: Didn’t believe it at all?
Americana: Hell no. I’m an immigrant, not a moron. You brought me all the way to library to tell me this stupid story? You committed to joke, Dandy.
DD laughs and slaps Americana in the groin with the back of his hand. Americana drops like a sack of shit and makes similar breathy groan noises to those made by DD after the earlier sack tap.
DD: Fas’ as lightnin’!
Americana writhes on the ground while DD gloats over the top of him.
DD: Come on, Meri. Get up. I’ll explain e’rythin’.
DD extends his hand to help Americana up. Americana slowly rises to his feet.
Americana: How the hell does this place get you any closer to beating Karlie and Ultimate Destroyer?
DD: Well, it gives us a place to talk strategy that we know damn well that neither Karlie or Destroya will every consider steppin’ foot in. Karlie is allergic to books, and I’m not sure Destroya knows what a library is let ‘lone where to fin’ it.
Americana: Is there some sort of big secret about this week?
DD: I mean, nah. I’ma whoop both they asses without all tha’ much worry or nothin’.
Americana: So… why the library?
DD: Honestly, I just got you here to see if I could.
DD laughs.
Americana: You drug me all the way here to see if I’d come?
DD: Man, what the fug else was we gon’ do in Tampa anyway? Tampa is Florida’s asshole an’ it hovers right ova’ tha’ toilet bowl that is tha’ gulf.
Americana: All this effort… all this time we just wasted… Just to fuck with me?
DD: I mean, kinda.
DD laughs and slaps Americana on the back cordially as a smile spreads across Americana’s face.
Americana: Champion of the United States and champion of pranking Americana!
DD: Let’s get tha fuck outta this place, a’ight?
Americana: You sure you don’t want to look at anything while we’re here?
DD: Nah, man. I can read jus’ fine, but I ain’t ‘bout that life, bruh. I ain’t no reader.
The library scene fades, and we open again at the arena. DD is getting ready for his match in his locker room, and Americana is sitting on a folding chair in the corner reading Hop On Pop. DD laughs and remarks.
DD: Still can’t believe you stole tha’ shit.
Americana: I figure if Karlie would go out of her way to read things like this, I might get some understanding of her by reading it.
DD: Ain’t that the one that says you should fuck your dad?
Americana: I… uh… No.
DD: How you mean? It says “Hop/Pop/We like to hop./We like to hop/on top of Pop.” Don’t it? I mean, how am I supp’sed ta read that if it ain’t “fuck your dad”? Them daddy issues explains some shit ‘bout why Karlie swings how she does, too. Flashes a’ rage and rejection a’ tha’ peen all explained by a fugged up daddy history. I’m jus’ sayin’ I think Karlie mighta’ hopped on Pop, it ya’ know what I mean.
Americana stares at DD silently, astonished by his ignorant confidence.
DD: All I know for sure is that I ain’t no referee, so I ain’t gotta worry about her come time for the match. She can’t beat nobody that ain’t no zebra, so I ain’t sweatin’ her at all.
Americana: She was almost the World Champion a few weeks ago. She had the match won.
DD: She got the belt, Meri?
Americana: Well, no.
DD: Then she ain’t shit. I got no time for these do-nothin’ losers like Karlie fuggin’ Nash.
Americana: She’s not your only opponent though. What about Ultimate Destroyer?
DD: I beat that joke before, and I’ll beat ‘em again. I ain’t worried ‘bout that utter dipshit at all. I’m more worried about steppin’ in one’a his shits on the entrance ramp than I am ‘bout losin’ to ‘im in tha’ ring. I mean, shit, he couldn’t beat Corey Bull, and I wrecked that big bitch so bad he tucked his balls up between his legs an’ went home for good. Ultimate Destroyer is gonna get his shit pushed in, Meri. Straight up eyes-turned-brown kinda action.
The pair is silent for a stretch.
DD: I can’t wait to tell these two dipshits what surprise I have in store for ‘em, Meri. They ain’t gon’ see it comin’.
The scene fades.