Gorilla Glue: for when you cant LINK it together LOL
Nov 1, 2018 19:26:27 GMT -5
Bonnie Blue, Wade Moor, and 1 more like this
Post by Zombie McMorris on Nov 1, 2018 19:26:27 GMT -5
Chapter I: Out of Z History
[ the fed gets to choose ZMACs path in the story ]
I meet face to face with Xerxes, surrounded by his bodyguards. He stands tall and looks down on me with his glory. Fun fact I’m 6’6 and tower over everyone. Have you ever seen a persian? Small, fat, hairy, hobbit of a people. Xerxes was at best 6’2 and I’m like: Yo, we doin this? Cuz I mean I got time but do I really wana spend the time.
“I hear you bring me the heads of two Spartans, is this true? I hear those Spartans are hard to kill.”
“ I mean, not if you know how to use the pointy end of the stabby thing. Then they bleed like everyone else.”
“Not me, I am a God king.”
“Yah, you and every other king before you. If we’re talkin bout immortals, I’m you’re guy. I can lead that army.”
“Immortal?” He asks? “ We will put that name to the test.”
I shrug. “ Sure.”
Xerxes summons a guard who stands ready with a sword. I cant help but laugh and do a bump of coke.
“Yah, ok.” I continue. “The fat one will do. Here.” I throw up my arms. “Run me through.”
The guard runs a sword threw my gut as blood pours out my mouth. I smiles at him as I gri[ the sword, looking down at his fingers.
“You gonna eat that?”
“Huh?”
I snatch up his hand and bite his fingers off. He recoils in terrible pain with blood squirting everywhere. I pull the sword out my stomach and run it through his spine; killing him.
Zerxes smiles. “Yes. yes, you’ll do.”
__________________________
Chapter II: The score
I want it to be known, for the record, I am 3 and 1 against Lincoln. He’s had a title defense, which I made him drop, a singles match which I made the ref call the match because Link cant defend against me and FIGHT SMART just got molly whopped by me and Karlie Nash. Now this week its a tables match? I mean, sure. Weird flex, tort, but ok. Give the coked up mad man no rules and see what happens. See, I already won the feud of feuds and the TV title and the bragging rights of making Link give it up for my sole satisfaction. Like what did I do right in this life to deserve beating Links ass yet again because I just don’t know. I mean, I’m a pretty rotten person and when ZMAC judges character, you can take that to the bank. Maybe this is to prove that I don’t need wrestler of the year despite the fact that I am the wrestler of the year- no gimmicks needed, no American Idol votes cast, no torches lit and no Simon Cowells to tell me that I’m the worst thing he’s ever heard in his life.
Everyone in the OTY running, I’ve been smashing on for the past 7 years. Do you know why I’m not Wrestler of the year, because I’m the wrestler of the past 7 years. I guess you could call me the… 7.. Gawd
*wink*
I guess you could say that ZMAC verse Link is a compelling story - I mean, you could if Link pulled his weight and did his side of the work. Then again, his side is on his back, getting pinned or TKO’d. So yah, good job -> I suppose.
And ya boi Link got the nerve to be like: “ Gah, Z, I don’t deserve to be in the ring with you.”
* looks at a +10 undefeated TV Championship streak*
*sips hot tea *
Links been wandering around in the midcard, with no championship aspirations for nearly 15 weeks.
LOL
My guy, what is you doing? You aint pushing competition. It aint like you pushing a narrative. Looks more like you’re pushing carts at a Safeway.
* Safeway, the official grocery store of Action wrestling. *
But yah, ok, I’m scum.
LOL
True but I’m scum with a smoking hot girlfriend, penthouse suite and a double california bed. That's not even a weird flex, its just a true flex.
Another true flex is that I don’t ever have to work hard in this industry.
I’ll repeat.
Zombie McMorris does not ever have to work hard in this industry.
And you might be askin yourself how that's even possible.
I’ll tell you: You gotta know yourself and know your audience.
You, you know neither know yourself or your audience. While I know that YOUR fans will all be suckin dick for steroids and protein powder. I mean, are they bad fans, nah but you’re a bad fuckin wrestler.
But its a conspiracy, right? Its all somebody elses fault you havent succeeded and not your own merit. That's what true, altizmo losers say and you’re proving the world right.
Last week I dicked your entire group down with a despacito gag and my girl Ruby takin her cunt to hammer town.
You lost to a woman whose not even in the match vibing herself in the shower while I told her how I wanted to fuck her sister and wondered if she liked it in the ass.
LOL
But there's a conspiracy to keep LINK down. Ain’t nothing keepin you down when you cant STAN up.
FGT
________________________
Chapter III: Gorilla Glue, for when you cant LINK it together LOL
* fade into ZMAC walking around a cheaply made set, a clear ad and TV spot. The makeshift walls are thin, the countertop is shoddy at best and there's ZMAC with his matted, gree-Z hair slicked back and tied. The green highlights glint under the hot lights as ZMAC smiles a disingenuous smile as he holds up a small bottle of Gorilla glue. *
ZMAC: Is your life a shoddy mess?
* the counter collapses like a house of cards, revealing that it in fact is a house of cards. *
ZMAC: Are the walls of your santity crumbling down around you?
* the walls fall down, revealing the stand hands standing in a semi circle, smoking dope and betting on two chimps pitted to the death in a knife fight. *
ZMAC: Get Gorllia brand, Gorllia glue -
* Z snaps his fingers, star wiping the scene and transitioning it back to its original shoddy self *
ZMAC: And fix that shit. Now stronger than ever, Gorilla glue now contains 5 times more Gorilla semen than the leading name brand competitor. Elmer? That nilla is a bull and he is straight up lying to you if you think for a second he can stand up to my boi, Gorilla Glue.
* the camera follows ZMAC as he walks stage left and comes across a sad looking man, wilted and beaten by time. *
ZMAC: Look here, we found an autizmo FGT. This is my friend, Lincoln keuchly.
* legal note: not actually Action wrestling superstar Lincoln Keuchly *
ZMAC: Now Link, your life is an absolute fucking mess, aint that right? You’re an absolute piece of flaming anthropomorphic dog shit, aint that right. HOw has Gorilla brand, Gorilla glue helped you? I bet you it fucking hasnt because this is glue, not a miracle cure for the shitty life you lead for which this commercial is like some sort of anecdotal aesop's fable for. You ever lose to a glue commercial? LOL cuz you about to lose to a glue commercial. You’re better off sniffing this glue than stepping into the ring with me again. At least this shit will get you high where as I’ll just sink you beneath them waves.
* Legal note: the makers of gorilla brand glue and Action Wrestling do not condone drug use or the misuse of its products. *
ZMAC: See, right now they -> the powers that be -> the very same man that keeps you down is telling the masses not to sniff glue or fight zombie mcmorris. So why do you do it, Link; why do you fight zombie mcmorris? Is it because you’re a dumb ass; is it because you have no regard for your own well being? I mean, its gotta be one of the two because you picked a hell of a day to stop sniffing glue if you think you’re going to turn around your losing record against me in a tables match. You saw what I did back there -> didnt chu -> didnt chu? I know you fuckin did. I know you saw that table crumble as if your body went through it and spoilers: your body will be going through it. But like, nah, the worlds against you right? Right? Riight. Her doe, sell me this glue.
* Z hands the bottle to Lincoln and takes a step back. *
ZMAC: everybody, Link is a man that cant even get his own shit to stick together but with the power of Gorilla Glue, he can. I’mma give him a chance right now though. Link, in front of the whole world -> in front of the millions of my fans and the millions of dollahs I get from shilling cars, slimjims, and glue-> tell the world how you better than me. No conspiracy. I’m giving you your shot right now. Stand and deliver, son. Use your charisma and those washboard abs. Sell me this glue.
* ZMAC waits a moment and snatches the bottle away and turns towards the camera again. *
ZMAC: Times the fuck up! You cant sell me this glue because unlike Gorilla brand glue -
* now only $5.99 at participating stores *
ZMAC: You don’t know how to make bonds and lasting impressions. You don’t know how to connect with people. You’re too busy trying to be better than everyone that you don’t know how to be anyone. But cha boi, ol’ Z hes an everyman. You damn right I got problems and Gorilla brand glue helps fix all of them. It works on brick, wood, stone, plastic, glass, the kids, the wife and the cat. Speaking of the cat.. Is your cat making too much damn noise? I know lincoln Keuchly is, because he too is a pussy. As great as Gorilla Glue is, it gets better. Try it on your failing marriage, wrestling career or that son you’re always disappointed in. Or your daughter whose dating that negro from that liberal arts college you’re paying 40k a year for.
See, Link. All you gotto do is admit that you have a problem and Gorilla glue can fix that problem. Whats that Link, you’re a flex tape guy? Flex tape this dick all over your wrektum.
Now that's a lot of damage. Big damage.
Monday I’m going to cause a lot of damage when I put you through a damn table. I thought I capped this feud off. I’ would think that a three all lead means that I’m the better guy but fuck it-> it aint about better -> its about beating you down. I get it, too, folks think I’m not out there challenging the ladder of the competition but news flash, Link, I aint got none. Honey Badger is an apex predator, the moose out front should have told you. If you listened to those WCF and UCI guys, they would have told you and LOL trust me when I say that they fucking told you but since you think its against you -> you got no clue what you actually got yourself into.
Deep shit.
In too deep.
And no amount of glue, tape or clapping can fix what I’m about to do to you in this tables match. The ‘very pretty’ Lincoln Keuchly won’t be so god damn pretty anymore when I jam a three foot splinter through your skull. I know that you may not have wanted this. I know that you may not have asked for this but this is what you’re getting and like everything in life -> sometimes you just gotta grin, eat shit and die.
And trust ya boi -> Monday night -> You’ll be doing all damn three.
* ZMAC winks at the camera *
Gorilla Glue, for when your lifes fucked up. Gorilla Glue. Glue that shit back together.
________________________
Chapter IV: To Tell the Truth.
* focus in on a hooded figure, bound to a wooden chair. Remove hood. Its ZMAC with a busted lip and a black eye. *
ZMAC: Rube, what the hell? I’m all for hoods and ball gags and black eyes but the lips?
* Ruby comes into the scene and kisses ZMAC passionately. *
Ruby: I just had to know, Southpaw.
* pan over to reveal that ZMACs hooked up to a polygraph machine. *
ZMAC: I told you, Ruby, I’m stirile. I cant have kids. * Z thinks about it for a moment. * More kids * think about how dissapointing they are. * Less kids.
Ruby: I just want to know if you love her more than me?
ZMAC: Seriously? Your sister?
Ruby: Yas, Z. And we’re going to get a baseline. Whats your name?
ZMAC: Zombie McMorris
*ding*
Ruby: Interesting. Now tell me your human name.
* ZMAC glares. *
ZMAC: I’m only doing this because I love you.
Ruby: I know. Now tell me your human name.
ZMAC: Daniel.
* ding. *
Ruby: Do you love me?
ZMAC: yes.
* ding *
Ruby: Do you love my sister?
ZMAC: Yes.
* ding*
Ruby: Am I a B-cup?
ZMAC: yes.
* ding *
Ruby: Is my sister?
ZMAC: Dunno, havent seen them.
* Bonnie Blue confirmation needed but, ding*
ZMAC: Whats this have to do with anything, Ruby? Why do you care that I’m hot for your sister?
Ruby: Why are you hot for my sister?
ZMAC: Because when I see her, I see you. You are a clone, you are one in the same with your own amazing differences. We ride and die for each other. We went to hell and back for each other. She looks like you but she doesnt have your heart, your soul, your eyes. I’m hot for physical attraction but Bon does her own thing with her own oafish friends. She does it because they give her attention - the same attention that I give you. She doesnt have that so she finds it ealsewhere. Shes constantly trying to fill a hole in hear heart where as you are un-apologetically yourself. Just as I am Ol Z. You ask why I love your sister, look in the mirror. You want to know why I love you, just look in my eyes. You don’t need a polygraph.
* rubys eyes tear up. *
ZMAC: Did I pass?
Ruby: yes * she sobs. *
ZMAC: Good because I don’t need this shabby treatment.
* buzz *
__________________
Chapter V: Link, you 3rd Grade Nilla
Its funny, Link. Sad funny and like, Amy Schumer kinda funny. I mean, You come up tah ya boi and ya don’t like me. OK, OK, you’re allowed to have wrong opinions but like last week, you didnt fight very smart. If anything, you were the one to sink your team as I was the one to lead my team to a victory. A stolen pin, sure, but a victory. You on the other hand wanted to speak that sick shit and yet, you just got sick and vomited it up all over yourself like chaw on the tilt-a-whirl.
Taquilla.
I mean, you bitched, you moaned, you came up short and I can understand that when you’re talkin about Karlie Nash and Niki Vaugn and Red White and Bruised. I get that. I really, on a spiritual level, I understand that. However what I don’t understand is that when it came to ya boi Ol’ Z you called me a pussy and walked away.
“Gah, ZMAC, you’re a pussy.”
LOL
But I aint no pussy. I aint backin out of no fights. I aint dropin title belts, I aint leavin my teammates high and dry. I’m right there with that shit. Right here in your shit as we come up on Clash in this tables match.
I mean, you might be the scumbag but I’m the fucking king of Horrorkore and puttin me in a tables match against you is a pretty one sided affair. The only bad thing about this is that its on Clash. So we get this huge match type, me burying you through a table and putting it on TV for free. That means you don’t even get a little extra chedda cheese on your gubermintz check for what I’m about to do to you.
Maan, I’mma axe wound you right through the fuckin supple soft wood and right on the ridge hardwood of my thick and two piece. Link, I’m not sayin that this feud between us is going to end anytime soon and quite frankly, I hope it don’t cuz I like picking up the free wins. It just means that my sponsors call even more and that's more money for me.
And less money for you.
Fight Smart? Heres a tip. Just don’t fight at all because the more you struggle on Monday Night, the more I’m going to hurt you. I’d tell you more about your own pitiful destruction at my hands but right now I’m out of three week against you. I’ve one man armied your entire stable.
The entire. Fucking. Stable.
For you to come back this week and trying anything against me-> as if you got tricks up that saggin wizard sleeve you call a cunt ( cuz I’ve been busting it out ) would be well - it’d be a weird flex but ok. I dig it, you gotta try at some point in this. You cant keep playing the:
‘I dislike ZMAC so much I’m not going to dignify it with effort’
Or play it off like I’m not the uncrown wrestler of the year for dominating 2 divisions, having the longest title reign in those divisions, having the longest undefeated streak and taking out FIGHT SMART.
That's fine. I’m OK with that. I understand that on a spiritual level. You need to base your assumptions in a failed aspect of reality and that failed reality is that you’re better than me.
Monday night, you get to exercise that futility because it aint a conspiracy against you. The conspiracy is that you don’t get the fuckin joke.
But you will.
Trust me.
Conquer. The. Hate