Post by Ms. Monster on Oct 18, 2018 16:04:13 GMT -5
May we go mad together, my sisters.
May our labor agony in bringing forth this revolution
be the death of all pain.
May we comprehend that we cannot be stopped.
May I learn how to survive until my part is finished.
May I realize that I
am a
monster. I am
a
monster.
I am a monster.
And I am proud.
- Robin Morgan
May our labor agony in bringing forth this revolution
be the death of all pain.
May we comprehend that we cannot be stopped.
May I learn how to survive until my part is finished.
May I realize that I
am a
monster. I am
a
monster.
I am a monster.
And I am proud.
- Robin Morgan
We open in a Seattle radio station. It’s the early morning hours, so the morning zoo is in full swing. An interchangeable slate of commercials in the background as the hosts - Kevin and “Party” - get settled in for an upcoming interview with Action Wrestling’s Manager Supreme JP Blackstone. As Blackstone enters the studio, the hosts welcome him and invite him to sit in front of the open microphone. Blackstone puts on the headphones that are draped over the mic, and they group engages in meaningless small talk. As the song approaches its end, Kevin, explains what’s about to happen.
Kevin: Not sure if you’ve done radio before, JP, so here’s the quick run down: don’t touch the mic, just speak how you normally do, and make sure you keep any hard curse words out of your mouth… We don’t need any trouble from the FCC, you know?
JPB: Of course, of course. It’s not my first rodeo, man. No F-bombs from me today.
Party: Oh! Don’t talk about rabbit dicks neither.
JPB: You’re really cramping my style there. (He winks and smiles.) But I’ll make it work. I only have a bit to say about Harewood at the start anyway, and then I’m moving on from that irrelevant sack of crap for the rest of my life.
Kevin: Alright. Commercials are about over. We’ll play the bump music and do a bit to introduce you. Any last minute questions?
JPB: Nope! I’m ready when you fellas are.
Kevin: Cool. Cool. Well here we go then!
The commercials fade out and the bumper music hits. A deep, booming announcer voice says “The K-k-k-kevin and Party Show!
Kevin: Welcome back to The Kevin and Party Show. We’re here for your morning drive time every morning on KCEP Magic 93.4. The current time is 7:42, and Party and I are here with a guest!
Party: I’m excited about this interview, man.
Kevin: Me too! Me too!
Party: I’ve been a big fan of this dude’s work for years and years. Maybe even since I was a kid.
Kevin: Yeah. He’s a legend for sure, Party. You wanna do the honors and tell our listeners who this wrestling legend is?
Party: My pleasure! Folks, joining us today on The Kevin and Party Show, is Action Wrestling’s big bad manager, JP Blackstone! His client, Ms. Monster, is wrestling this weekend right here in Seattle for the organization’s Pay Per View event, Carnage. Mr. Blackstone, how are you doin’ this morning!
JPB: I was feelin’ tired, Mr. Party, but after that introduction, I just feel old! You’ve been watching my work since you were a child?!
Party: Pretty sure I have! Some of your old indie clients were my favorites. Morgan Youngblood, Jimmy Thatcher, Canyon Kid… All legends. Thunder and Lightning are my favorite tag team of all time.
JPB: Looks like you’re quite the fanboy, Party! Blackstone laughs..
Party: Ha! I don’t know if I’d go quite that far, but I have been a great admirer of your work for many years.
JPB: To be honest, it’s nice to hear, but that kind of reaction isn’t why I do anything I do.
Kevin: That gives us a great jumping off point. JP Blackstone, why do you do what you do?
JPB: Because I want to. Nothing more. Nothing less. I want to do what I do. I find the talents I want to get behind and I antagonize fans and opponents like I do because I want to. It ain’t about some grand plan for entertainment. Let me be clear: I do not see myself as an entertainer. I see myself as an advocate and agent. I am there to ensure my people win and succeed by any means necessary. If I have to blind someone to make sure my people, right now that’s Ms. Monster, if I have to blind a man to make sure she wins, I’ll buy that Stevie Wonder wannabe some sunglasses when I’m done. I’m at least kind enough to do that for him.
Kevin: Don’t you think that’s a bit hardcore, JP?
JPB: I am hardcore.
Kevin: But isn’t it all a work? If you blind someone, they’re not actually blind.
Blackstone is clearly upset at the question, and Party tries to defuse the situation.
Party: Woah, man. Kev, hol’ up, man.
JPB: Is that the kind of interview this is? Wrestling is fake, right? NO! My wrestlers are real fighters, goddamnit. Ms. Monster will rip your damn head off and not think twice about it. If you want me to prove it, I’ll go get her, bring her to this studio, and we’ll see if this show can make it as “The Party Show” from here on, Kevin.
Kevin: No offense intended, JP.
JPB: Call me Mr. Blackstone, you jackass.
Kevin: Sure thing, Mr. Blackstone. I didn’t mean to get you riled up. I’m sorry.
Party: Kev, you can’t be approaching an old school guy like Blackstone in that way. Not cool, man.
JPB: I don’t need your help here, Party. This is the same damn fight wrestling folks have been having with outsiders for years. I’m used to it, but it still pisses me right off.
Party: Look, man. I’m changing the subject. So Ms. Monster made her debut last week on Clash and defeated Frankie Harewood. How would you summarize that bout with a boxing legend who was also debuting in an Action Wrestling ring?
JPB: You want a summary? How about this: DOWN GOES HAREWOOD! DOWN GOES HAREWOOD! Our boxing G.O.A.T. is a wrestling goat. Ain’t it a shame that that fancy footwork and punching speed don’t work once someone can take your legs from underneath you? Look, Harewood, you’re a Stranger Things fighter. Do you get it? Your wrestling career is happening in the goddamn upside down! 50-0 in boxing. Moving toward 0-50 in wrestling.
Kevin: She faces him yet again this weekend, doesn’t she?
JPB: If you did your research before this interview, you wouldn’t need to ask.
Party: We just want you to have the opportunity to talk about this weekend’s match up.
JPB: Opportunity to talk, huh? Well, good. This weekend, Ms. Monster enters the ring for a battle royal with Chris Eno, Kendra Watterson, Odd, Frankie Harewood, Hajeet, Petrov, and Ultimate Destroyer. If you distilled the all of talent of that group down, the combined concentrated essence couldn’t even fill a shot glass. The only one one that list that seems to have any potential is Kendra Watterson, but her Law and Order actor sounding father and weird as hell brother are more of an albatross around her neck than a help. She’s got a mountain of energy and potential, but that family is going to take her future and shi…. Whoops. Caught myself! That family is going to ruin that girl’s future. It’ll be a shame, too. She needs to toss ‘em to the side and bring in some real management.
Party: Manager supreme, perhaps?
JPB: If it came to it, I would certainly take that phone call.
Party: Looking at add clients?
JPB: No, no. If I was actively looking to add her or anyone else on to my client profile, I’d be in negotiations with my targets, not here yapping at a microphone about wanting to make arrangements with folks.
Kevin: So how does your client feel about this match being shown on CBS Sports Network instead of the actual Pay Per View feed? How do you feel about it?
JPB: It’s paying dues. Ms. Monster has whooped one whole ass thus far in Action Wrestling. She has to do a bit more for the powers that be to give her a PPV match. She doesn’t really care about where she’s beating people up as long as she gets to beat them silly. On the other hand, in my so humble opinion, this is a mistaken move on the part of Torture and Gravedigger.
Party: A mistake? How so?
JPB: They took a sure fire star and put her on the free show. To be blunt, that’s dumber than a monkey fuckin’ a football.
Kevin dives for the button that allows the broadcast to dump a curse word. To the listeners, the interview drops out for a second and pops back in.
Kevin: Woah! Dude. You can’t say that on the air!
JPB: Well... um… dumber than a monkey copulating with a football…. Better?
Kevin: Let’s just avoid any kind of sexually explicit stuff entirely.
JPB: Whatever. A monkey having a delicate tea party with a football. I don’t care. You get the damn point regardless.
Party: So what are your long term plans for Ms. Monster?
JPB: Simple: Beat people up, win titles.
Kevin: But how?
JPB: Punches, kicks and wrestling moves, most likely. If you want any discussion of strategy beyond that, you’ll have to go to hell. You can watch and see like everyone else.
Kevin’s voice begins to ooze with sarcasm.
Kevin: This is a great interview.
JPB: Are you disappointed I’m not giving you the strategic run down that my client and I have put together to succeed in Action Wrestling? Ha! Of course. You are just one of these smart internet marks who thinks they know everything and deserves to know everything. Let me be clear, Kevin, I don’t owe you anything! Ms. Monster doesn’t owe you anything! Action Wrestling doesn’t owe you anything! I am here out of the kindness of my sweet little heart and helping you drive ratings to this podunk, hillbilly ass radio show, and you have been nothing but unpleasant to me the entire time. I’m. Doing. You. A. Favor. Idiot. I am your guest, and you are a terrible host.
Party: Let’s calm down, guys. I’m sorry, Mr. Blackstone. Can I ask you another question?
JPB: Fuck no.
Kevin dives for the dump button again.
Kevin: BLACKSTONE! YOU CANNOT DO THAT!
JPB: I JUST FUCKIN’ DID, MOTHERFUCKER!
Kevin dives for the button again but the system hasn’t been able to reload enough time to dump this round of curse words and they make the air.
Kevin: We apologize to our audience for this unprofessional…
JPB: FUCK YOU!
Kevin:...behavior from JP Blackstone of Action Wrestling. We’re going to take an impromptu…
JPB: FUCK YOU!
Kevin:...commercial break, kick this jerk out of our studio, and be back shortly…
JPB: FUCK! YOU!
Kevin:...as long as the FCC doesn’t shut us down by the end of the break.
Kevin punches a button on the sound board and a commercial starts playing in the background. The host rises from his chair, livid about Blackstone’s behavior. Party just looks disappointed.
Kevin: What the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you trying to get us fired?
JPB: Let me be clear: I couldn’t give even a single shit less about your job! You aren’t any good at it anyway, so why not give these people something to listen to that isn’t just audio-delivered Ambien?
Party: God, dude. I’ve looked up to you for years.
JPB: You know what they say… Never meet your heroes, dumbass.
Blackstone tosses his headphones off and rises from his chair. He turns to leave, and as he looks to the door, he sees a number of security guards approaching the studio.
JPB: Your rent-a-cops are here, boys. Looks like I’m done, huh? Ha!
The security guards open the studio door and one of them grabs Blackstone’s arm.
JPB: Motherfucker! Let me go! Don’t put your fuckin’ hands on me! I’m leaving of my own will. I don’t need your greasy paws all over me on my way out.
The guard drops Blackstone’s arm, and the manager brushes himself off as he grabs the door to leave.
JPB: Look, boys. Y’all need to figure your shit out and learn what it means to be a host to a guest. Good luck, assholes.
Blackstone swiftly exits the room.
-----------------------------------
Back in the familiar setting of the boiler room, Blackstone is setting up his own recording equipment again for this week’s post on the Ms. Monster Youtube Channel.
JPB: You ready.
Monster grunts in approval.
JPB: Here we go. Five… Four… Three… Two...
Blackstone reaches forward and hits the record button to start the recording on the promo. Blackstone silently counts off One… before confidently taking hold of his lapels and kicking off his promo.
JPB: Welcome again to Ms. Monster’s channel on Youtube! As always, I am JP Blackstone, Manager Supreme. Beside me here is Ms. Monster. I know you know and love her already! Unless you’re Frankie anyway!
Ms. Monster has SEVEN OPPONENTS this weekend. Count ‘em! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7! That’ll mean she can take down like a quarter of the roster in one fell swoop this week at Carnage! Never has a Pay Per View name fit so damn well.
I promise you carnage this weekend folks. Broken men and women being tossed one by one from the ring. Broken dreams strewn about the arena. Broken careers being thrown on a heap out behind the arena. There is no hope that will escape the dark shadow cast long by Ms. Monster. No hope! I promise these opponents of my Monster that when they’re down and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel… it’s a goddamn train! There are no angels. No pearly gates. Just demons and cages! Ms. Monster here has a couple of gifts for you all this weekend. Show ‘em, Monster. Gift one!
Ms. Monster lifts her balled right fist.
JPB: Gift two!
Ms. Monster lifts her balled left fist.
JPB: Now be careful, folks. These are some dangerous gifts. They’re addictive after all! Worse than Lay’s Potato Chips!
Monster snarls.
MM: Bet you can’t eat just one.
JPB: Ha! You’re damn right! This weekend, Ms. Monster is throwing you an all-you-can-eat buffet party of fists. Good luck to you all. You’re sure as hell going to need it!
Blackstone and Monster pose for a few seconds, staring menacingly into the camera. Blackstone reaches up and hits the stop button.