Post by The Sitcom on Dec 17, 2023 13:25:12 GMT -5
Beckman Studios presents...
A Giant Money Production...
A Winning Carol
Narrator: Meet Sitcom, a man obsessed with Winning.
(Fade into Sitcom's office.)
Annie: Do you ever not think about winning?
Sitcom: Three times a night I think about you.
Annie: Last night it was more like 2 and ½ times.
Sitcom: What are you saying?
Annie: I’m saying maybe you could focus a little less on winning and a little more on...us?
Sitcom: Okay, we can start having sex in the morning too.
Annie: No, I’m saying, me and you, dinners, vacations.
Sitcom: I’m taking you to New York this weekend.
Annie: Yes, for a match, for you to only focus on winning.
Sitcom: That reminds me, maybe I should consider a different finisher for Odin, the guy has a gained a few lbs in his many, many, many-
Annie: Sitcom.
Sitcom. Hold on...many, many, many-
Annie: Sitcom!
Sitcom: Many years in the business.
Annie: Focus!
Sitcom: You’re right, I’ll just toss Odin aside and chokeslam Doc.
Annie: Maybe you think about what really matters.
Sitcom: Don’t worry, I’ll never forget my baby!
(Sitcom looks over at the U.S. title proudly hanging on display.)
Sitcom: Hey! What is this doing here?
(Sitcom removes a picture of him and Annie from in front of the title and places it on a lower self.)
Annie: I hope you learn the true meaning of Christmas- Er, I mean, Winning before tonight is over.
(Annie walks out...leaving an ominous eerie of mystery in the air.)
Narrator: Later that night Sitcom is relaxing when...
(Suddenly two ghosts appear! It takes Sitcom a moment to gather himself before speaking.)
Sitcom: Gravedigger? Torture? The owners of Action Wrestling?
“Gravedigger”: I’m actually known as the Main Owner.
“Toture”: More like the R-word Owner!
“Gravedigger”: According to the lawsuit you can’t say that; don’t make me call my lawyer!
“Torture”: Whatever...Retired Owner!
“Gravedigger”: That’s it, I’m calling Allen.
“Torture”: (being sarcastic) ...Oh No, Not Allen.
“Gravedigger”: I’m dialing...
“Torture”: I’m sorry, please don’t call Allen, he scares me.
“Gravedigger”: Thank God. I don’t want to talk to Allen anyhow, he charges like $200 an hour.
“Torture”: Hey, have you tried that new pool side bar in Hell?
“Gravedigger”: I did, but the molten lava started melting my flesh before my shirley temple was ready.
Sitcom: Um, guys?
“Torture”: Oh yeah, tonight you’ll be visited by three spirits to teach you the true meaning of Christmas.
“Gravedigger”: Winning.
“Torture”: Oh yeah, I mean Winning. Hey, remember that night in Kansas City?
“Gravedigger”: With the hookers?
“Torture”: And the cows?
"Gravedigger": And what that hotel manager said...
“Gravedigger and Torture”: “These fat heifers need to go. Same with the cows.”
Sitcom: I'm going to bed.
(Sitcom heads off.)
“Torture”: Did you tell him the first spirit comes at the strike at 1?
“Gravedigger”: No, but remember Buffalo?
“Torture”: And what the hotel manager said?
“Gravedigger and Torture”: “These fat hookers need to go, because one just stabbed me!”
(The ghosts laugh and laugh...)
Narrator: Sitcom slept restlessly, mostly because of the two ghosts in his living room swamping stories about prostitutes, when the clock struck ONE.
(...Sitcom looks up to see the spirit of...Johnny Beckman.)
Johnny: I’m the Ghost of Winning Past. Past? Oh, I get it, because I’m old.
Sitcom: This is so potentially attitude changing.
Johnny: You know, thanks to money and modern healthcare, I’m technically younger than your average college student.
Sitcom: Just show me that damn past already.
(Fade to find a little Doc in the ghetto.)
Lil’ Doc: One day, I be Winner.
Daddy: Sorry foo, I sold your sense of hope for a better son.
New Son: Fuck ya shit, Lil’ Doc.
Lil’ Doc: Me needz therapy.
(Everyone but Lil’ Doc starts laughing.)
New Son: Should I pop-pop his ass now?
Daddy: Nah, it’s funnier to let time crush his spirit.
Johnny: Moving on to Odin’s past...
(Fade into a Viking village.)
Bestla: Va seen Vili and Ve? I hav Farikal.
Lil’ Odin: Vay in Valhalla.
Borr: Ya have Gungnir?
Sitcom: Gungnir? Isn’t that the current TV Champ?
Lil’ Odin: Na, vit be Joro’s nah.
Bestla: Na vit Frigg’s?
Lil’ Odin: Na. Vat over.
Johnny: And to think I thought Doc’s Ebonics was confusing.
Sitcom: But that Farikal does look delicious.
(Fade into an E.R. with Sitcom and his parents.)
Father: I told you Winners ALWAYS Get Up!
Young Sitcom: My Leg is Broken.
Father: I’m so sick of your excuses...”my leg is broken”, “I can’t remember yesterday”, “All I taste is blood.”
Mother: Please dear, show him some compassion.
Father: A real son of mine would die with dignity!
Young Sitcom: Die? But only I have a broken leg!
Father: You say that like you’re worth the good hospital.
Doctor: Ha, he’s right, this place is the worst.
(Sitcom goes into surgery, when a hot blonde cheerleader enters.)
Cheerleader: OMG! Is he okay!? I’m secretly in love with him.
Father: Go Away Forever.
Cheerleader: Okay. Bye.
Sitcom: Wait!? WHAT!!!! Did this really happen?!!!
(Sitcom tries to strangle his father, but that past vision fades away into darkness.)
Johnny: Wait, maybe I’m also playing the Ghost of Winning Present. I can see that. I visit my gym nearly once a week.
Narrator: However, it was a NEW spirit to show what Winning means in the present.
Johnny: Fine. Who needs this? It’s time for my nap anyhow.
(Natural ICE appears from the darkness leading Sitcom into a present scenario.)
ICE: Wow, this being a spirit shit an even better high than free-basing kerosine.
Sitcom: Whose present are we going to witness first? Doc’s? Odin’s?
ICE: Presents are the time of year we’re Winning.
Sitcom: How high did you get on Spirit fumes?
ICE: Christmas!
Sitcom: Okay, guess I’ll be leading these visions, let’s start with Doc.
(Fade into Doc’s therapist office.)
“Doc”: I hate Winning.
Therapist: And?
“Doc”: I hate Daddy.
Therapist: And?
“Doc”: I hate...how no matter how much I surround myself with riches, fame and success, I’ll forever be a coward searching for love in a world where hate is the only currency.
Therapist: And?
“Doc”: Can I get a better therapist?
Therapist: Not on Action Wrestling’s current healthcare plan. Now what else can I help you with?
ICE: Do you have any Kerosine?
“Doc”: We’re not supposed to be able to hear you.
Sitcom: Oh, sorry about that, time to move onto Odin’s present.
(ICE and Sitcom fade out.)
Therapist: Should we plan on our same time next week?
“Doc”: Oh definitely, I’m going to have a lot to whine about after my loss to Sitcom.
(Fade to Odin’s studio apartment.)
“Odin”: Hello sweatpants with suspenders, my old friends.
“C.D.”: But my family is coming over later.
"Odin": You know I gave up on Belts long ago.
"C.D.": Please don’t starting reminiscing-
"Odin": Well, I’ve been wrestling for many, many, many-
"C.D.": Odin.
"Odin": Hold on...many, many, many-
"C.D.": Odin!
"Odin": What was I talking about?
Sitcom: More like OLD-din.
ICE: Didn’t you use that joke in a previous promo?
Sitcom: Um...I wonder what’s in his medicine cabinet.
ICE: (singing)...Your pills might go a missing as I go a pissing, I’m Natty the Stealing Man!
(Fade to Annie and Sitcom’s mom sitting at a table.)
Annie: Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
Mother: How is my Tommy?
Annie: Not good. I’m afraid his anger is getting out of control. He only cares about Winning.
Mother: Well, isn’t that good?
Annie: But it no longer ends when the show does.
Mother: Anger just runs in the family.
Annie: Well, he’s starting to scare me.
Mother: Have you tried denial? It worked wonders for me.
(Annie looks sad.)
Sitcom: This isn’t going to be easy to make fun of.
ICE: I got an idea!
(ICE pulls Sitcom’s pants down.)
ICE: Ta Da!
Sitcom: I’m going to Kill You!
ICE: Unfortunately for you, we’re just visions-!!!
(Sitcom begins to choke the spirit out of ICE.)
ICE: Damnit...I forgot...we’re on the same...spiritual level.
(Sitcom chokes ICE into nothing.)
Mother: What now?
Annie: I think we just wait for the narrator.
Narrator: ...OH Shit, that's me, here’s the future of Winning...Airborne.
Airborne: Trust me, my future, at best, is like 6 more months of this before I let my addictions start to win again.
Johnny: Well, if you’re looking for a Future Spirit, I’m willing to dust off the old wrestling tights.
Sitcom: No thanks.
Johnny: But you know I’m rich because of the dollar signs on the side of my shorts.
Airborne: Let’s just see Doc’s future.
(Fade into a Holiday Inn lobby.)
Ol’ Doc: I’m the winningest winner to ever WIN!
Kid: Wow.
Ol’ Doc: Harvard even granted me the first ever PHD in wrestling, making me an actual Doctor.
Kid: Does that mean they named these hotels after you?
Ol’ Doc: Um, sure.
Father: Stop telling my kid lies and put our bags in the car.
Ol’ Doc: I’ll have you know my name-tag says more than just Bell Boy!
Father: Yes, it also says Trainee.
Kid: I still believe you Doc.
Ol’ Doc: Thanks kid.
Kid: Just kidding bitch; also, your fly is down.
Father: Now hurry up, UFC: Old Folks Home Edition is on SUPER T.V. tonight.
Airborne: Speaking of senior citizens...Odin’s future...
(Fade to a wrestling promoter in a locker room.)
Promoter: I’m going to need you to put over another youngster tonight.
Odin: ...
Promoter: I know you’re mad.
Odin: ...
Promoter: Fine, be that way.
Odin: ...
(The camera zooms out to show the promoter is talking to Odin’s....casket.)
Promoter: Maybe it would be best if you met the youngster...Sitcom Jr.
(A bigger, younger version of Sitcom walks in.)
Airborne: Damn Sitcom, this must be an amazing moment for you- Or not, since you’re busy defacing Odin’s casket.
Sitcom: I wrote Old Fart on it.
Airborne: Still, I bet Sitcom Jr. is feeling something special in the air tonight.
Sitcom Jr: Look, it says Old Fart on his casket...that’s funny.
Airborne: Never mind.
Promoter: Sorry Odin is being so rude tonight; he’s been such a diva since he died...in 2017.
Sitcom: Get it? Because he hasn’t been good since then.
Promoter: Alright, match time!
Sitcom Jr.: I've heard of a casket match before, but this is ridiculous...
Airborne: Sitcom, are you crying?
Sitcom: Such a bad joke...(sniffling)...he truly is my boy.
(Fade into Sitcom being interviewed by a female host on late night show.)
Host: You’ve been a hall of famer, the Sexiest Man of the Year, and the inventor of SUPER TV, what’s next?
Future Sitcom: Maybe a date...with you.
Sitcom: Guess Annie and I didn’t make it.
Airborne: No surprise there.
Sitcom: What does that mean?
Airborne: You two break-up every other promo.
Sitcom: That’s not true...and just to prove you wrong, I’m getting back with Annie.
Airborne: You’re already with-
Sitcom: Shhh, future me is talking.
Future Sitcom: Solving the Middle East crisis was easy after convincing both sides their religions are wrong anyhow.
Host: And when you cured cancer?
Future Sitcom: It was simple once I discovered that alien DNA while saving the moon.
Host: You truly are the Best Person Ever.
Future Sitcom: I would disagree, but it’s hard to argue when you’re the reason for Jesus’ second coming.
Host: Speaking of the Son of God...
(The show’s band plays Amazing Grace as Jesus walks out, bowing in the direction of Future Sitcom.)
Airborne: Fuck this, time to go.
Sitcom: Oh come, for some reason I'm really enjoying this.
(And with a sudden snap it’s over.)
Narrator: And just like it was Christmas morning, or a morning, sorry ICE snuck into the sound booth.
ICE: We’ve been huffing spirit fumes and laughing at things Ol’ Doc says.
Ol’ Doc: I’m so very lonely and sad.
ICE: See. Hilarious!
(Sitcom wakes up with Annie.)
Annie: So, do you have a new view of Winning At Life?
Sitcom: Yep.
Annie: So you’re no longer obsessed with winning at Holiday Bash?
Sitcom: If anything I'm more obsessed with winning than ever, and that reminds me, I sold your plane ticket so My U.S. title could have a window seat...But don’t worry, I got you a bus ticket for NYC...and it left 16 hours ago...Safe Travels.
Narrator: And just like that Annie grew a whole new appreciation for the Meaning of Winning.
Annie: No I didn’t.
ICE: No, she learned she still Loves Me.
Annie: Also wrong.
Airborne: I’ve learned I need to stop agreeing to work with you people.
Annite: Getting warmer.
Johnny: Okay, I think I’m officially ready to be the Future spirit, I’ve had my nap and changed the dollar sign on my shorts to a bitcoin symbol.
Everyone: …
THE END
A Giant Money Production...
A Winning Carol
Narrator: Meet Sitcom, a man obsessed with Winning.
(Fade into Sitcom's office.)
Annie: Do you ever not think about winning?
Sitcom: Three times a night I think about you.
Annie: Last night it was more like 2 and ½ times.
Sitcom: What are you saying?
Annie: I’m saying maybe you could focus a little less on winning and a little more on...us?
Sitcom: Okay, we can start having sex in the morning too.
Annie: No, I’m saying, me and you, dinners, vacations.
Sitcom: I’m taking you to New York this weekend.
Annie: Yes, for a match, for you to only focus on winning.
Sitcom: That reminds me, maybe I should consider a different finisher for Odin, the guy has a gained a few lbs in his many, many, many-
Annie: Sitcom.
Sitcom. Hold on...many, many, many-
Annie: Sitcom!
Sitcom: Many years in the business.
Annie: Focus!
Sitcom: You’re right, I’ll just toss Odin aside and chokeslam Doc.
Annie: Maybe you think about what really matters.
Sitcom: Don’t worry, I’ll never forget my baby!
(Sitcom looks over at the U.S. title proudly hanging on display.)
Sitcom: Hey! What is this doing here?
(Sitcom removes a picture of him and Annie from in front of the title and places it on a lower self.)
Annie: I hope you learn the true meaning of Christmas- Er, I mean, Winning before tonight is over.
(Annie walks out...leaving an ominous eerie of mystery in the air.)
Narrator: Later that night Sitcom is relaxing when...
(Suddenly two ghosts appear! It takes Sitcom a moment to gather himself before speaking.)
Sitcom: Gravedigger? Torture? The owners of Action Wrestling?
“Gravedigger”: I’m actually known as the Main Owner.
“Toture”: More like the R-word Owner!
“Gravedigger”: According to the lawsuit you can’t say that; don’t make me call my lawyer!
“Torture”: Whatever...Retired Owner!
“Gravedigger”: That’s it, I’m calling Allen.
“Torture”: (being sarcastic) ...Oh No, Not Allen.
“Gravedigger”: I’m dialing...
“Torture”: I’m sorry, please don’t call Allen, he scares me.
“Gravedigger”: Thank God. I don’t want to talk to Allen anyhow, he charges like $200 an hour.
“Torture”: Hey, have you tried that new pool side bar in Hell?
“Gravedigger”: I did, but the molten lava started melting my flesh before my shirley temple was ready.
Sitcom: Um, guys?
“Torture”: Oh yeah, tonight you’ll be visited by three spirits to teach you the true meaning of Christmas.
“Gravedigger”: Winning.
“Torture”: Oh yeah, I mean Winning. Hey, remember that night in Kansas City?
“Gravedigger”: With the hookers?
“Torture”: And the cows?
"Gravedigger": And what that hotel manager said...
“Gravedigger and Torture”: “These fat heifers need to go. Same with the cows.”
Sitcom: I'm going to bed.
(Sitcom heads off.)
“Torture”: Did you tell him the first spirit comes at the strike at 1?
“Gravedigger”: No, but remember Buffalo?
“Torture”: And what the hotel manager said?
“Gravedigger and Torture”: “These fat hookers need to go, because one just stabbed me!”
(The ghosts laugh and laugh...)
Narrator: Sitcom slept restlessly, mostly because of the two ghosts in his living room swamping stories about prostitutes, when the clock struck ONE.
(...Sitcom looks up to see the spirit of...Johnny Beckman.)
Johnny: I’m the Ghost of Winning Past. Past? Oh, I get it, because I’m old.
Sitcom: This is so potentially attitude changing.
Johnny: You know, thanks to money and modern healthcare, I’m technically younger than your average college student.
Sitcom: Just show me that damn past already.
(Fade to find a little Doc in the ghetto.)
Lil’ Doc: One day, I be Winner.
Daddy: Sorry foo, I sold your sense of hope for a better son.
New Son: Fuck ya shit, Lil’ Doc.
Lil’ Doc: Me needz therapy.
(Everyone but Lil’ Doc starts laughing.)
New Son: Should I pop-pop his ass now?
Daddy: Nah, it’s funnier to let time crush his spirit.
Johnny: Moving on to Odin’s past...
(Fade into a Viking village.)
Bestla: Va seen Vili and Ve? I hav Farikal.
Lil’ Odin: Vay in Valhalla.
Borr: Ya have Gungnir?
Sitcom: Gungnir? Isn’t that the current TV Champ?
Lil’ Odin: Na, vit be Joro’s nah.
Bestla: Na vit Frigg’s?
Lil’ Odin: Na. Vat over.
Johnny: And to think I thought Doc’s Ebonics was confusing.
Sitcom: But that Farikal does look delicious.
(Fade into an E.R. with Sitcom and his parents.)
Father: I told you Winners ALWAYS Get Up!
Young Sitcom: My Leg is Broken.
Father: I’m so sick of your excuses...”my leg is broken”, “I can’t remember yesterday”, “All I taste is blood.”
Mother: Please dear, show him some compassion.
Father: A real son of mine would die with dignity!
Young Sitcom: Die? But only I have a broken leg!
Father: You say that like you’re worth the good hospital.
Doctor: Ha, he’s right, this place is the worst.
(Sitcom goes into surgery, when a hot blonde cheerleader enters.)
Cheerleader: OMG! Is he okay!? I’m secretly in love with him.
Father: Go Away Forever.
Cheerleader: Okay. Bye.
Sitcom: Wait!? WHAT!!!! Did this really happen?!!!
(Sitcom tries to strangle his father, but that past vision fades away into darkness.)
Johnny: Wait, maybe I’m also playing the Ghost of Winning Present. I can see that. I visit my gym nearly once a week.
Narrator: However, it was a NEW spirit to show what Winning means in the present.
Johnny: Fine. Who needs this? It’s time for my nap anyhow.
(Natural ICE appears from the darkness leading Sitcom into a present scenario.)
ICE: Wow, this being a spirit shit an even better high than free-basing kerosine.
Sitcom: Whose present are we going to witness first? Doc’s? Odin’s?
ICE: Presents are the time of year we’re Winning.
Sitcom: How high did you get on Spirit fumes?
ICE: Christmas!
Sitcom: Okay, guess I’ll be leading these visions, let’s start with Doc.
(Fade into Doc’s therapist office.)
“Doc”: I hate Winning.
Therapist: And?
“Doc”: I hate Daddy.
Therapist: And?
“Doc”: I hate...how no matter how much I surround myself with riches, fame and success, I’ll forever be a coward searching for love in a world where hate is the only currency.
Therapist: And?
“Doc”: Can I get a better therapist?
Therapist: Not on Action Wrestling’s current healthcare plan. Now what else can I help you with?
ICE: Do you have any Kerosine?
“Doc”: We’re not supposed to be able to hear you.
Sitcom: Oh, sorry about that, time to move onto Odin’s present.
(ICE and Sitcom fade out.)
Therapist: Should we plan on our same time next week?
“Doc”: Oh definitely, I’m going to have a lot to whine about after my loss to Sitcom.
(Fade to Odin’s studio apartment.)
“Odin”: Hello sweatpants with suspenders, my old friends.
“C.D.”: But my family is coming over later.
"Odin": You know I gave up on Belts long ago.
"C.D.": Please don’t starting reminiscing-
"Odin": Well, I’ve been wrestling for many, many, many-
"C.D.": Odin.
"Odin": Hold on...many, many, many-
"C.D.": Odin!
"Odin": What was I talking about?
Sitcom: More like OLD-din.
ICE: Didn’t you use that joke in a previous promo?
Sitcom: Um...I wonder what’s in his medicine cabinet.
ICE: (singing)...Your pills might go a missing as I go a pissing, I’m Natty the Stealing Man!
(Fade to Annie and Sitcom’s mom sitting at a table.)
Annie: Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
Mother: How is my Tommy?
Annie: Not good. I’m afraid his anger is getting out of control. He only cares about Winning.
Mother: Well, isn’t that good?
Annie: But it no longer ends when the show does.
Mother: Anger just runs in the family.
Annie: Well, he’s starting to scare me.
Mother: Have you tried denial? It worked wonders for me.
(Annie looks sad.)
Sitcom: This isn’t going to be easy to make fun of.
ICE: I got an idea!
(ICE pulls Sitcom’s pants down.)
ICE: Ta Da!
Sitcom: I’m going to Kill You!
ICE: Unfortunately for you, we’re just visions-!!!
(Sitcom begins to choke the spirit out of ICE.)
ICE: Damnit...I forgot...we’re on the same...spiritual level.
(Sitcom chokes ICE into nothing.)
Mother: What now?
Annie: I think we just wait for the narrator.
Narrator: ...OH Shit, that's me, here’s the future of Winning...Airborne.
Airborne: Trust me, my future, at best, is like 6 more months of this before I let my addictions start to win again.
Johnny: Well, if you’re looking for a Future Spirit, I’m willing to dust off the old wrestling tights.
Sitcom: No thanks.
Johnny: But you know I’m rich because of the dollar signs on the side of my shorts.
Airborne: Let’s just see Doc’s future.
(Fade into a Holiday Inn lobby.)
Ol’ Doc: I’m the winningest winner to ever WIN!
Kid: Wow.
Ol’ Doc: Harvard even granted me the first ever PHD in wrestling, making me an actual Doctor.
Kid: Does that mean they named these hotels after you?
Ol’ Doc: Um, sure.
Father: Stop telling my kid lies and put our bags in the car.
Ol’ Doc: I’ll have you know my name-tag says more than just Bell Boy!
Father: Yes, it also says Trainee.
Kid: I still believe you Doc.
Ol’ Doc: Thanks kid.
Kid: Just kidding bitch; also, your fly is down.
Father: Now hurry up, UFC: Old Folks Home Edition is on SUPER T.V. tonight.
Airborne: Speaking of senior citizens...Odin’s future...
(Fade to a wrestling promoter in a locker room.)
Promoter: I’m going to need you to put over another youngster tonight.
Odin: ...
Promoter: I know you’re mad.
Odin: ...
Promoter: Fine, be that way.
Odin: ...
(The camera zooms out to show the promoter is talking to Odin’s....casket.)
Promoter: Maybe it would be best if you met the youngster...Sitcom Jr.
(A bigger, younger version of Sitcom walks in.)
Airborne: Damn Sitcom, this must be an amazing moment for you- Or not, since you’re busy defacing Odin’s casket.
Sitcom: I wrote Old Fart on it.
Airborne: Still, I bet Sitcom Jr. is feeling something special in the air tonight.
Sitcom Jr: Look, it says Old Fart on his casket...that’s funny.
Airborne: Never mind.
Promoter: Sorry Odin is being so rude tonight; he’s been such a diva since he died...in 2017.
Sitcom: Get it? Because he hasn’t been good since then.
Promoter: Alright, match time!
Sitcom Jr.: I've heard of a casket match before, but this is ridiculous...
Airborne: Sitcom, are you crying?
Sitcom: Such a bad joke...(sniffling)...he truly is my boy.
(Fade into Sitcom being interviewed by a female host on late night show.)
Host: You’ve been a hall of famer, the Sexiest Man of the Year, and the inventor of SUPER TV, what’s next?
Future Sitcom: Maybe a date...with you.
Sitcom: Guess Annie and I didn’t make it.
Airborne: No surprise there.
Sitcom: What does that mean?
Airborne: You two break-up every other promo.
Sitcom: That’s not true...and just to prove you wrong, I’m getting back with Annie.
Airborne: You’re already with-
Sitcom: Shhh, future me is talking.
Future Sitcom: Solving the Middle East crisis was easy after convincing both sides their religions are wrong anyhow.
Host: And when you cured cancer?
Future Sitcom: It was simple once I discovered that alien DNA while saving the moon.
Host: You truly are the Best Person Ever.
Future Sitcom: I would disagree, but it’s hard to argue when you’re the reason for Jesus’ second coming.
Host: Speaking of the Son of God...
(The show’s band plays Amazing Grace as Jesus walks out, bowing in the direction of Future Sitcom.)
Airborne: Fuck this, time to go.
Sitcom: Oh come, for some reason I'm really enjoying this.
(And with a sudden snap it’s over.)
Narrator: And just like it was Christmas morning, or a morning, sorry ICE snuck into the sound booth.
ICE: We’ve been huffing spirit fumes and laughing at things Ol’ Doc says.
Ol’ Doc: I’m so very lonely and sad.
ICE: See. Hilarious!
(Sitcom wakes up with Annie.)
Annie: So, do you have a new view of Winning At Life?
Sitcom: Yep.
Annie: So you’re no longer obsessed with winning at Holiday Bash?
Sitcom: If anything I'm more obsessed with winning than ever, and that reminds me, I sold your plane ticket so My U.S. title could have a window seat...But don’t worry, I got you a bus ticket for NYC...and it left 16 hours ago...Safe Travels.
Narrator: And just like that Annie grew a whole new appreciation for the Meaning of Winning.
Annie: No I didn’t.
ICE: No, she learned she still Loves Me.
Annie: Also wrong.
Airborne: I’ve learned I need to stop agreeing to work with you people.
Annite: Getting warmer.
Johnny: Okay, I think I’m officially ready to be the Future spirit, I’ve had my nap and changed the dollar sign on my shorts to a bitcoin symbol.
Everyone: …
THE END
---------------
Over my time here in Action Wrestling I’ve been without a title for two very short weeks. Two fucking weeks.
I had a historic T.V. Title reign. A fighting champion through and through. Every week I’d strap on my boots, use a cleaver approach to an unoriginal conflict, and deliver a championship performance worthy of the title I was born to wear.
Then I had my TV title taken from me. Not because my shoulders were pinned against the mat for the three count we all hear echoing in our nightmares. But because a mindless wimp saw me as the unbeatable gate keeper who’d eventually destroy the possibility of new talent every earning their chance.
Yet I still had my United States title. A belt, that before I gave it a proper home, was playing hot potato from a spineless coward to a second class ghost to a flash in a pan.
During my time as the red, white, and blue savior I’ve given so many gifts to the world of wrestling; from my entertainment, to my story, to my many, many victories. All driven by my selfless passion for what is best for my title, and this business, and of course, the people. For I don’t repeat the words You’re Welcome as an act of arrogance, but as an act of acknowledgement to the millions of thankful fans who whisper a prayer for my existence every time I make them smile, cheer, dream.
I’ve been given respect by ownership, World champions, rivals. They use phrases like, “earned this”, “future of”, and “honored to”. And in return I’ve never given them not an ounce of respect back. Not a handshake, not a nod, not even a hint of respect. For True Kings never bow.
And let’s talk about being delusional. Holy Shit, it’s a fucking walk in the park to “tell it how it is”. Telling a person, the grass is green, and the sky is blue may come across as “edgy” but at the end of the day it’s boring.
Meanwhile molding a cheap shot into a heroic effort or disguising a sinister manager into a smart advantage is a true art form. It takes superior talent to use a forked tongue against your opponent’s best attribute and still end with your hand raised.
Speaking of opponents...
What’s up Doc? Or should I call you my former tag partner? Or did you forget about our “team”? I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, since you forgot about it the week of our “team’s” match. You left me high and dry without a tag to be found. But that’s just a player playing, right?
Only I didn’t forget that unexcused absence. You probably thought the reason I walked out onto that stage, distracting you just enough to cost you the TV title, had something to do with your partnership with Jessie. No, bro, it was a deliberate attack on you. A Franz Ferdinand like assassination meant to start a war. However, you chose the cowardly way out; a paper-thin battle against your has-been mentor that probably promised you a “get over” match if you gave his dying career one last hurrah in exchange by joining his poorly named stable.
Let’s be honest…Doc Holiday is lost in Action Wrestling; always has been and always will be. His former life is too entertaining for his current situation. We’re being forced fed his sequel; an average life paired with bedazzled fakeness and paint by number therapy sessions. He’s gangster without the hype, rich without the class, and confident without the skill. All and all, “Doctor” Holiday is more than a few credits short of anything but a G.E.D. in Wrestling.
Then we have the “God” of wrestling, Odin Balfore. A name that used the shine a little brighter, mean a little more; before the sins of time started to show more rust than glory. I mean after some of his recent losses, to wrestlers he’d consider far below his “level”, even he has to start understanding why other Gods chose to work for only 7 days before retiring.
His ego will forever be strong enough to trick his mind into one more match, yet his spirit and body have longed forgotten what it takes to truly matter in this business. Victories over legends will be celebrated in his dreams, while hours of annoyance about his next match will haunt his every word.
Odin is more past than present, a comfortable time capsule, fun to relive but too simple to get excited about now. He is forever ash, a forgotten memory of a fire long extinguished. Don’t believe me? Watch him fill out his Mad Lib promo, treat me and Doc like second class talent and top it off next week with his “the ignore the loss” specialty. The only question left for his career is when does respect become pity and pity become embarrassment.
Yet...
(Sitcom smiles like an asshole.)
I welcome petty revenge, makes me savage. I welcome silly gangsters, makes me confident. I welcome fallen Gods, makes me worthy. I welcome disrespect, makes me powerful.
And most importantly, I welcome two challengers…makes a Champion.