Post by The Sitcom on Nov 5, 2023 11:36:43 GMT -5
AFTER THESE MESSAGES WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK...
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(A spinning Karlie Nash plate appears above 1-800-PL8-NASH.)
Narrator: Introducing a brand-new line of Karlie Nash Commemorative Plates.
(The first plate shows Karlie being confused by her Map Quest directions.)
Narrator: These limited-edition plates feature Karlie as the inconsistent blockhead we’ve never loved to endure.
(The second plate shows Karlie getting shown to her mid-level seats at a WNBA game.)
Narrator: Hundreds of Karlie Nash fans can oddly celebrate her averageness.
(The third plate shows Karlie not tipping her pizza delivery driver.)
Narrator: Your friends will question your mental competence as you choose to display them over your dining room table.
(The fourth plate shows Karlie dressing up as herself for Halloween.)
Narrator: These poorly crafted plates were Made by kids who wished they lived in America.
(The final plate shows Karlie impatiently waiting for her table for one reservation at Cracker Barrel.)
Narrator: Call NOW! Or tomorrow, or later this year, because honestly, we never expect supplies to run out.
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Voice-Over: Have you ever found yourself in this situation?
(A fat man is interviewing a lady.)
Fat Man: What makes you a good fit for this job?
Woman: Um...At least I can fit through the front door.
(The fat man looks disappointed.)
Voice-Over: Or in this situation?
(A friend is telling his buddy some sad news.)
Friend: My beloved cat just died.
Buddy: Um...Um...guess the cat has my tongue.
(The friend cries into his hands.)
Voice-Over: Well, here’s the solution to all those awkward moments...Karlie’s Convenient Conversation Quotes Bible! When you’re too dumb to think for yourself, the K.C.C.Q. Bible does it for you!
(The job interview...redone.)
Fat Man: What makes you a good fit for this job?
Woman: Jesus 3:16, Part IV says, “On the 5th day, God said, thou shall eat.”
Fat Man: Amen! You’re Hired!
(The sad news...redone.)
Friend: My beloved cat just died.
Buddy: God 11:34, Section 4-B says, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.”
Friend: Just like Cats do! Thanks for saying that!
Voice-Over: So next time you need to pull something out of your ass, reach for the K.C.C.Q. Bible!
Voice-Over's wife: Who is this Jamila chick in your DMs?
Voice: Um...(pulls out his K.C.C.Q. Bible)...Holy Spirit 101, Chapter 69 says, “Cousins aren’t coveted, their convenient.”
Voice-Over's wife: What the shit are you talking about?!!!
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(A girl is making her X-mas list with her mom.)
Girl: Mommy, can I get a new doll for Christmas?
Mother: Sorry dear, but money is tight these days.
Girl: Isn’t there a doll we can afford?
(Santa and his reindeer burst through the wall!)
Santa: Now there is; It’s the Talking Karlie Nash Doll!
(Santa hands the little girl a doll shaped like flat board painted in a variety of shades of white.)
Girl: Wow! She’s so plain!
(The girl makes the doll talk.)
Doll: Women should be grateful their allowed to vote.
Santa: Ho-Ho-Ho!
Doll: Emotions confuse girls most of the time.
Mother: Wait, I don’t think I feel comfortable letting my daughter play with-
Santa: Ho-Ho-Ho!
Doll: I’d have a husband if I tried harder.
Girl: She is so uninspiring!
Mother: Okay, this ends now. And who is going to pay for damage to my wall?
Santa: Ho-Ho-OH NO! RUN!
(Santa and a dozen reindeer scatter from the home as the mom and the daughter engage in a tug-of war over the Karlie doll.)
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(Two women talking in an office.)
Woman #1: I’m so sick of life being so easy.
Woman #2: Yeah, I feel really sorry for you.
(Out from the closet comes an actress dressed like Karlie Nash.)
“Karlie”: Then I got the self-regression system for you!
Woman #2: You mean self-improvement?
“Karlie”: No, self-regression, by following my simple worsing program you’ll find yourself alone and unsuccessful in not time.
Woman #2: Why would anybody want that?
(Karlie pushes Woman #2 out of the way as she leads Woman #1 out of the office set.)
“Karlie”: I will teach you how to dress the devil away.
(Karlie leads Woman #1 into a Dress Barn.)
Woman #1: Wow, look at all the long sleeves, modest hems, and lack of colors.
Woman #2: Wait, are those employees Amish? Is this literary a barn with dresses?
(Karlie again pushes Woman #2 aside as she leads Woman #1 away.)
“Karlie”: And who needs a social life when there are off-putting hobbies.
(The Karlie actress leads Woman #1 on a stage full of people doing hobbies.)
Woman #1: Wow, wood working, calming, step-aerobics!
Woman #2: Some of these aren’t even hobbies, visiting the dentist? doing your taxes?
“Karlie”: And who needs real friends, when you have church friends!
(Karlie leads Woman #1 into a church.)
Church Friend #1: You’ll always be our champion, Karlie.
Church Friend #2: Azurine Vebbins isn’t an embarrassing rival at all, Karlie.
Church Friend #3: You’ll always be our champion, Karlie.
Church Friend #1: I already said that one, you moron.
Church Friend #2: Give her a break, she just had her frontal lobotomy this morning.
Woman #2: Wait, these aren’t normal Christians! THEY’RE FUNDAMENTLISTS!!
Woman #1: AHHH!!! RUN!!!
(The church friends and “Karlie” grab the women as two big men come out with needles in their hands as the scene fades to black.)
Minnesota Fundamentalist Church. "The only fun you’ll find here is in our name.”
--------------------------
BACK TO THE SHOW...
(The late-night show monologue starts with The Sitcom walking from behind the gold curtains.)
“This week I’m facing Karlie Nash; or as God refers to her, ‘Whoops.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie is actually the perfect Christian leader, she’s a delusional hypocrite with a massive ego.”
(The audience laughs.)
“I’m not saying Karlie does the religion thing just for the money, but her collection plate comes with a convenience fee.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie is at least a role model for kids. She proves a woman can have 4 jobs, 3 personalities, and zero interest.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Seriously, I’m impressed with Karlie, she has 4 jobs and somehow sucks at all of them.”
(The audience laughs.)
“People like to call her a bitter old bitch, and I think that’s a bit unfair...she isn’t that old.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie Nash is what you get when you order Tatiana from the Wish app.”
(The audience laughs.)
“But Karlie does have a soft spot, it’s called her skull.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie should be proud of getting her ass kicked a lot, it’s the only time she entertains the fans.”
(The audience laughs as Sitcom exits the stage.)
--------------------------
(A spinning Karlie Nash plate appears above 1-800-PL8-NASH.)
Narrator: Introducing a brand-new line of Karlie Nash Commemorative Plates.
(The first plate shows Karlie being confused by her Map Quest directions.)
Narrator: These limited-edition plates feature Karlie as the inconsistent blockhead we’ve never loved to endure.
(The second plate shows Karlie getting shown to her mid-level seats at a WNBA game.)
Narrator: Hundreds of Karlie Nash fans can oddly celebrate her averageness.
(The third plate shows Karlie not tipping her pizza delivery driver.)
Narrator: Your friends will question your mental competence as you choose to display them over your dining room table.
(The fourth plate shows Karlie dressing up as herself for Halloween.)
Narrator: These poorly crafted plates were Made by kids who wished they lived in America.
(The final plate shows Karlie impatiently waiting for her table for one reservation at Cracker Barrel.)
Narrator: Call NOW! Or tomorrow, or later this year, because honestly, we never expect supplies to run out.
--------------------------
Voice-Over: Have you ever found yourself in this situation?
(A fat man is interviewing a lady.)
Fat Man: What makes you a good fit for this job?
Woman: Um...At least I can fit through the front door.
(The fat man looks disappointed.)
Voice-Over: Or in this situation?
(A friend is telling his buddy some sad news.)
Friend: My beloved cat just died.
Buddy: Um...Um...guess the cat has my tongue.
(The friend cries into his hands.)
Voice-Over: Well, here’s the solution to all those awkward moments...Karlie’s Convenient Conversation Quotes Bible! When you’re too dumb to think for yourself, the K.C.C.Q. Bible does it for you!
(The job interview...redone.)
Fat Man: What makes you a good fit for this job?
Woman: Jesus 3:16, Part IV says, “On the 5th day, God said, thou shall eat.”
Fat Man: Amen! You’re Hired!
(The sad news...redone.)
Friend: My beloved cat just died.
Buddy: God 11:34, Section 4-B says, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.”
Friend: Just like Cats do! Thanks for saying that!
Voice-Over: So next time you need to pull something out of your ass, reach for the K.C.C.Q. Bible!
Voice-Over's wife: Who is this Jamila chick in your DMs?
Voice: Um...(pulls out his K.C.C.Q. Bible)...Holy Spirit 101, Chapter 69 says, “Cousins aren’t coveted, their convenient.”
Voice-Over's wife: What the shit are you talking about?!!!
--------------------------
(A girl is making her X-mas list with her mom.)
Girl: Mommy, can I get a new doll for Christmas?
Mother: Sorry dear, but money is tight these days.
Girl: Isn’t there a doll we can afford?
(Santa and his reindeer burst through the wall!)
Santa: Now there is; It’s the Talking Karlie Nash Doll!
(Santa hands the little girl a doll shaped like flat board painted in a variety of shades of white.)
Girl: Wow! She’s so plain!
(The girl makes the doll talk.)
Doll: Women should be grateful their allowed to vote.
Santa: Ho-Ho-Ho!
Doll: Emotions confuse girls most of the time.
Mother: Wait, I don’t think I feel comfortable letting my daughter play with-
Santa: Ho-Ho-Ho!
Doll: I’d have a husband if I tried harder.
Girl: She is so uninspiring!
Mother: Okay, this ends now. And who is going to pay for damage to my wall?
Santa: Ho-Ho-OH NO! RUN!
(Santa and a dozen reindeer scatter from the home as the mom and the daughter engage in a tug-of war over the Karlie doll.)
--------------------------
(Two women talking in an office.)
Woman #1: I’m so sick of life being so easy.
Woman #2: Yeah, I feel really sorry for you.
(Out from the closet comes an actress dressed like Karlie Nash.)
“Karlie”: Then I got the self-regression system for you!
Woman #2: You mean self-improvement?
“Karlie”: No, self-regression, by following my simple worsing program you’ll find yourself alone and unsuccessful in not time.
Woman #2: Why would anybody want that?
(Karlie pushes Woman #2 out of the way as she leads Woman #1 out of the office set.)
“Karlie”: I will teach you how to dress the devil away.
(Karlie leads Woman #1 into a Dress Barn.)
Woman #1: Wow, look at all the long sleeves, modest hems, and lack of colors.
Woman #2: Wait, are those employees Amish? Is this literary a barn with dresses?
(Karlie again pushes Woman #2 aside as she leads Woman #1 away.)
“Karlie”: And who needs a social life when there are off-putting hobbies.
(The Karlie actress leads Woman #1 on a stage full of people doing hobbies.)
Woman #1: Wow, wood working, calming, step-aerobics!
Woman #2: Some of these aren’t even hobbies, visiting the dentist? doing your taxes?
“Karlie”: And who needs real friends, when you have church friends!
(Karlie leads Woman #1 into a church.)
Church Friend #1: You’ll always be our champion, Karlie.
Church Friend #2: Azurine Vebbins isn’t an embarrassing rival at all, Karlie.
Church Friend #3: You’ll always be our champion, Karlie.
Church Friend #1: I already said that one, you moron.
Church Friend #2: Give her a break, she just had her frontal lobotomy this morning.
Woman #2: Wait, these aren’t normal Christians! THEY’RE FUNDAMENTLISTS!!
Woman #1: AHHH!!! RUN!!!
(The church friends and “Karlie” grab the women as two big men come out with needles in their hands as the scene fades to black.)
Minnesota Fundamentalist Church. "The only fun you’ll find here is in our name.”
--------------------------
BACK TO THE SHOW...
(The late-night show monologue starts with The Sitcom walking from behind the gold curtains.)
“This week I’m facing Karlie Nash; or as God refers to her, ‘Whoops.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie is actually the perfect Christian leader, she’s a delusional hypocrite with a massive ego.”
(The audience laughs.)
“I’m not saying Karlie does the religion thing just for the money, but her collection plate comes with a convenience fee.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie is at least a role model for kids. She proves a woman can have 4 jobs, 3 personalities, and zero interest.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Seriously, I’m impressed with Karlie, she has 4 jobs and somehow sucks at all of them.”
(The audience laughs.)
“People like to call her a bitter old bitch, and I think that’s a bit unfair...she isn’t that old.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie Nash is what you get when you order Tatiana from the Wish app.”
(The audience laughs.)
“But Karlie does have a soft spot, it’s called her skull.”
(The audience laughs.)
“Karlie should be proud of getting her ass kicked a lot, it’s the only time she entertains the fans.”
(The audience laughs as Sitcom exits the stage.)
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Johnny keeps calling that little shit’s phone. So, he won the Cruiserweight Championship, why the fuck should he care about that? What about me? I am the Next Main Event. The U.S. Champ in the only federation that matters. Why does he give a single fucking shit about the little bitch Airborne?
But more importantly, why was this bothering me so much?
My shits are more intimidating than Airborne. He is nothing but a blimp on the radar. I’m the reason veterans still lace ‘um up, the example all the fresh faces follow.
So why wasn’t Johnny focused on me, And My Greatness. Have I become boring? Or worse, complacent? I thought I was the only prize worth promoting. Did this rich asshole think he was back in control? That I was once again his monster, waiting for him to snap his fingers, ready and willing to do whatever shit task he thought would better his career.
Well Fuck That. AND FUCK HIM!
(The Sitcom stands up, grabs Johnny’s throat with his massive hand, lifts him high into the air and slams him through the coffee table!!!)
“I’m Nobody’s Monster!”
(Sitcom grabs his U.S. title, spits on Johnny Beckman and walks out of the room, just as Natural ICE comes walking in. ICE bends down to speak with his brother.)
“Whatever you said to him, must have been really bad.”
“I...didn’t...say...anything.”
“Sometimes it’s what we don’t say that matters.”
“Are...you...taking...my...wallet?”
“No, just your credit card. But that’s good news, you have feeling below your waist.”
“Please...call...911.”
“Sorry, I don’t know the number.”
“You’re...not...funny.”
(ICE just looks his brother in the eyes and smiles.)
“I think I still have a few jokes left in me.”
(ICE yells so Sitcom can hear him.)
“What’s That Johnny?! You think Karlie will beat Sitcom this Monday!?!”
(ICE laughs and darts away, as Johnny can only muster a whimper.)
“Please...God...No.”
(Sitcom’s stomps grow louder and louder as the promo fades to an end.)