Post by The Sitcom on Jun 8, 2023 23:30:56 GMT -5
(The Sitcom is outside the “arena” for tonight’s Action Wrestling House Show, when he encounters a construction worker.)
Sitcom: What is with all the caution tape and temporary fencing?
Worker: This arena is being demolished tomorrow.
Sitcom: But I thought it’s hosting an Action Wrestling House Show tonight?
Worker: Yeah, it is.
Sitcom: Is it safe?
Worker: Probably, but if a wall starts shaking...I’d start running.
(Sitcom heads towards the wrestler’s entrance to the arena, where two Action Wrestling employees are standing.)
Dolores: Look Steve, an actual AW Champion is here tonight.
Steve: Wow, I wonder what you did to piss off Torture.
Sitcom: What?
Dolores: Usually, the only actual AW superstar forced to appear at these house shows is Lissie Hope.
Steve: Yeah, Torture always books her in some ridiculous match, like Lissie vs. An Elephant, or Lissie vs. 50 Kindergarteners, or Lissie vs. Torture’s imaginary friend.
Sitcom: Johnny has me here to show Torture how devoted I am to this federation.
Dolores: Good Luck with that!
(Steve and Dolores share a good laugh at Sitcom’s expense as they usher him into the arena. Sitcom passes a few odd merchandise booths.)
Merchandiser #1: Get your Ellie Austin “No longer just killing my career!” posters!
Merchandiser #2: On Sale, Jonny Cedrone bumper stickers, “Recall PresidentFreedom Cedrone”!
Merchandiser #3: New Jimmy “Bad Tyme” Jackson shirts, the back reads, “I have my Mama’s butt!”
(Finally, the Sitcom enters his locker room, where Johnny is waiting for him.)
Johnny: How great is this? Not only are we gaining favor with Torture by being here tonight, but your main-eventing this show.
Sitcom: Against who?
Johnny: That’s the best part, we get to decide your opponent!
Sitcom: This smells like bullshit.
Johnny: That’s just because the rodeo was here last night.
Sitcom: Shouldn’t I be focusing on facing Raja this week?
Johnny: Trust me, this will be a great night.
Sitcom: Trust you?
Johnny: Just like Airborne said you should.
Sitcom: And why wouldn’t I listen to Airborne, a person I barely know.
Johnny: Exactly...wait, are you being sarcastic?
Sitcom: I am not actually sure, am I?
Johnny: Don’t worry about that, now rest here. I’ll be back soon.
(Johnny Beckman exits the locker room, just as Steve walks in with the complementary food tray.)
Steve: Food is here.
Sitcom: This is just a tray of Taco Bell sauce pockets.
Steve: And if you're thirsty, I think the shower head is dripping.
Sitcom: What is going on here? The building is falling down, you’re working multiple jobs, and this is the “free food”?
Steve: Torture is a cheapskate. He cuts every corner he can at these house shows to maximize profits. Did you check the card?
Sitcom: Yeah, all the regular AW superstars are here.
Steve: Look closer.
(Sitcom reads the house show card.)
Sitcom: Thrill Park? Upfall? Corey Brown?
Steve: And trust me, the cheapness gets worse.
Sitcom: How?
Steve: You’ll see.
(Steve slams the door behind him, which causes a piece of ceiling to fall.)
LATER...
(Johnny throws Sitcom’s book, History of the Tripua Kingdom, into the trash.)
Johnny: No time for reading Nerd!
Sitcom: Just thought that book might be important.
Johnny: It’s time for the kid’s Make-a-Wish thing.
Sitcom: Why is that important?
(Johnny glares at Sitcom.)
Sitcom: Oh yeah, because of the sadness.
(Out of nowhere pops out former CrusierClash wrestler...KAREN!)
Karen: HOW DARE YOU FUCKING GIVE MY SPOT TO A FUCKING KID!?!
Johnny: Airborne is like 40 something.
Karen: GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE?!?!!
Johnny: Please, calm down and step into my office.
(Johnny opens a door, and Karen walks in.)
Karen: THIS IS A CLOSET!!
(Johnny slams the door and Sitcom casually puts a giant shelf in front of it.)
Johnny: Now don’t worry, you won’t be the only wrestler meeting with the sick kid.
Sitcom: Who is the other wrestler?
(They walk into the green room to find...Hot Shot Wayne Austin yelling at a child in a wheelchair!)
Hot Shot: What?
Child: I don’t know.
Hot Shot: What!
Child: Please Stop!
Hot Shot: WHAT!!!!
(The child starts bawling.)
Mother: Oh, thank God, another Wrestler is here.
Johnny: Yes, the one and only, AW TV Champion...The Sitcom!
Mother: Oh yes, you’re that funny new guy.
Sitcom: I sure am. So, kid, what’s killing you?
Mother: That’s it, maybe it’s not too late to get that trip to Disneyland.
(The mother wheels her child from the room.)
LATER...
(Sitcom is waiting for his pre-match massage, when Dolores walks in.)
Dolores: Alright big man, strip down so I can oil you up.
Sitcom: What?
Dolores: Torture is so cheap; Steve and I are the only two AW employees here tonight.
Sitcom: What if I get hurt during my match?
Dolores: Don’t worry, we got nearly half a package of band-aides left. Now off with the robe!
Sitcom: I don’t know about this.
Dolores: Okay, I can get Steve to rub you down, but trust me I have superior grip strength.
Sitcom: Oh boy.
Dolores: Don’t get too excited, I don’t do Happy Endings.
Sitcom: You know what, I think I don't need a massage.
Dolores: Fine with me, I have a chair to wrap with barbwire for Sax Daemon.
(Sitcom breathes a side of relief as Dolores, and her oil, leaves.)
LATER...
(Sitcom walks by two construction workers, who are examining a giant hole in a hallway wall.)
Worker #1: A crazy lady did this?
Worker #2: She was trapped in that closet.
Worker #1: This is a load barring wall.
Worker #2: Guess we’ll need even less dynamite tomorrow.
(The sitcom looks a bit concerned about what he just overhead when Johnny finds him.)
Johnny: It’s time we start to think about our current rivals.
Sitcom: Finally, now I have this list of Raja’s most common moves.
Johnny: Not him.
Sitcom: Well then you must want to talk about Jimmy “Bad Time” Jackson.
Johnny: Even worse than him, I’m talking about Jimmy’s mama.
Sitcom: And the low blow heard around the world?
Johnny: What does it say about a society that cheers for a woman like that!!
Sitcom: That we’re all so fucking depressed, we highly value a hilarious nut shot?
Johnny: Well, I refuse to see me be the butt of any jokes.
Sitcom: Then I’d recommend staying off the message boards for a while.
(Johnny storms ahead, while Sitcom stays back...to check the message boards on his phone.)
LATER...
(Sitcom is sitting down for an online interview with...Steve, of course.)
Steve: The world of AOL wants to know...um...have you seen my note cards?
Sitcom: Did you say AOL?
Steve: Torture is too cheap to upgrade the House show media equipment.
Sitcom: Does anyone still even use AOL?
Steve: All 14 users in this chatroom do...see?
Sitcom: Yep, and all 14 of them have the number 69 in their username.
Steve: Now, answer us this...is it really...Big?
Sitcom: What?
Steve: It?
Sitcom: WHAT?
Steve: This is beginning to sound like my interview with Wayne Austin.
Sitcom: What is going on?
Steve: Oops, these questions are meant for my next guest.
Sitcom: Who is?
(Robby Bigg Dick sits down at the table.)
RBD: black lives matters blue lives sorta matters and yellow eyes really matters!
Sitcom: Yellow eyes?
RBD: grandmas has what John does!
Sitcom: A unhealthy psychological hold on me?
Steve: I think he means Jaundice.
RBD: Liver lives matters
Steve: This interview has made the chat room come alive!
Sitcom: There is one comment...from CamilaIsGold69...who says a/s/l.
RBD: Type back 14/f/Home Alone, that always gets a good response.
(Sitcom quietly exits the table as an instant messenger window pops up.)
LATER...
(Sitcom is back in his locker room, talking on the phone.)
Johnny: No time for meaningless phone calls.
(Johnny yanks the phone from the TV Champ and hangs up.)
Sitcom: I was actually on hold to talk to Hajeet.
Johnny: The best way to prepare for Raja is by picking the perfect main event tonight.
Sitcom: But wouldn’t his cousin know-
Johnny: FOCUS SITCOM!! Now I brought in some help to brainstorm potential opponents.
(PJ waddles into the room with the skinny Dee right behind him.)
Sitcom: Considering these two, I don’t know if the ideas will be too dumb or too racist.
Johnny: That reminds me, Torture has already sent us over a gift.
(In walks a stern looking man in a suit.)
Lawyer: I represent Action Wrestling, I’m here to ensure this promo stays politically correct.
DEE: My first thought about Raja is...Aladdin.
Sitcom: Aladdin is from Egypt, Raja is Indian.
PJ: So, he’s from Cleveland?
DEE: They prefer to be called Native Americans.
PJ: Raja owns a casino?
Lawyer: I see why I’m needed here now.
Johnny: What if we focus on Sitcom being American?
Sitcom: We do still have all that Recall President Freedom merchandise.
PJ: Sitcom could be Mr. 9/11.
DEE: Come again?
PJ: Shit Dee, you’re supposed to never forget.
Lawyer: Sitcom could be the Statute of Liability!
Everybody: …...................
Lawyer: Like Statue of Liberty.
Johnny: Are you close friends with Torture?
Lawyer: Why?
Johnny: I just want to know before I share my thoughts about your idea.
Sitcom: Enough of this...I know exactly who I want to face tonight.
(Sitcom storms out, leaving the floor oddly wobbly.)
PJ: God I hope he doesn’t pick me.
DEE: Why would he?
PJ: Because I used his electric toothbrush to clean my boots.
Johnny: I’m the only one around here with an electric toothbrush!
(Before Johnny can murder PJ, KAREN BUSTS IN!)
Karen: STAY AWAY FROM ME!
(Karen throws Dee into a garbage bin!)
Karen: DON’T MAKE ME CALL 911!!
(Karen punts PJ in the gut!!)
Lawyer: Legally, I should say-
(The Lawyer runs away.)
Karen: JOHNNY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!
Johnny: Just a sec, I have the perfect new tag partner for you...her name is Mama Jackson.
(Just then “Juice” by Lizzo hits the arena’s PA system.)
Karen: That’s my entrance music.
Johnny: Well then, I think this is your chance to show the world how great Karen the Wrestler is!
Karen: YES! IT IS!!!
(Karen darts away, and towards the ring.)
Johnny: Maybe my therapist is right, my greatness as a man does upset women.
(Johnny steps over PJ and Dee on his way out.)
AFTER THE MAIN EVENT...
(Johnny, Dee, and...Steve...are standing next to the arena’s loading dock.)
Johnny: What Sitcom just did to Karen was...
DEE: Insane? Sadistic?
Johnny: Encouraging.
DEE: So many choke-slams...through so many tables.
Johnny: Where did all those tables come from?
Steve: Torture rented out half the arena to Donny’s discount table storage.
(Just then Dolores rolls by with Karen on a stretcher.)
Dolores: Steve, I’m going to need help strapping her to the top of my Subaru.
Johnny: Just a moment...how are you feeling Karen?
Karen: No...more...wrestling...please.
Johnny: Anything else?
Karen: I should start...being nicer.
(Steve helps Dolores roll Karen away.)
Johnny: Oh, and Karen, one last thing...You’re Welcome.
(Johnny waves goodbye to his CrusierClash failure as Sitcom comes walking up.)
Sitcom: I’m confused.
Johnny: Did you get concussed performing all those chokeslams?
DEE: Should we call Dolores back?
Sitcom: No, I’m confused about how this night makes Torture like us more?
Johnny: What do you mean?
Sitcom: We made him look like a dumbass cheapskate businessman.
Johnny: Well...maybe...we...sort of.............Shit.
(PJ comes running up, with hot dogs tied around his waist and a towel in his hands.)
PJ: I got the prefect Raja spoof...a Suicide Bomber! Now who can wrap this towel around my head?
(Suddenly the AW Lawyer tackles PJ into the camera, and onto the demolition box.)
Sitcom: Is this a bad time to say Kingdom of Tripura is in Northeast India and became a state in 1972?
Sitcom: What is with all the caution tape and temporary fencing?
Worker: This arena is being demolished tomorrow.
Sitcom: But I thought it’s hosting an Action Wrestling House Show tonight?
Worker: Yeah, it is.
Sitcom: Is it safe?
Worker: Probably, but if a wall starts shaking...I’d start running.
(Sitcom heads towards the wrestler’s entrance to the arena, where two Action Wrestling employees are standing.)
Dolores: Look Steve, an actual AW Champion is here tonight.
Steve: Wow, I wonder what you did to piss off Torture.
Sitcom: What?
Dolores: Usually, the only actual AW superstar forced to appear at these house shows is Lissie Hope.
Steve: Yeah, Torture always books her in some ridiculous match, like Lissie vs. An Elephant, or Lissie vs. 50 Kindergarteners, or Lissie vs. Torture’s imaginary friend.
Sitcom: Johnny has me here to show Torture how devoted I am to this federation.
Dolores: Good Luck with that!
(Steve and Dolores share a good laugh at Sitcom’s expense as they usher him into the arena. Sitcom passes a few odd merchandise booths.)
Merchandiser #1: Get your Ellie Austin “No longer just killing my career!” posters!
Merchandiser #2: On Sale, Jonny Cedrone bumper stickers, “Recall President
Merchandiser #3: New Jimmy “Bad Tyme” Jackson shirts, the back reads, “I have my Mama’s butt!”
(Finally, the Sitcom enters his locker room, where Johnny is waiting for him.)
Johnny: How great is this? Not only are we gaining favor with Torture by being here tonight, but your main-eventing this show.
Sitcom: Against who?
Johnny: That’s the best part, we get to decide your opponent!
Sitcom: This smells like bullshit.
Johnny: That’s just because the rodeo was here last night.
Sitcom: Shouldn’t I be focusing on facing Raja this week?
Johnny: Trust me, this will be a great night.
Sitcom: Trust you?
Johnny: Just like Airborne said you should.
Sitcom: And why wouldn’t I listen to Airborne, a person I barely know.
Johnny: Exactly...wait, are you being sarcastic?
Sitcom: I am not actually sure, am I?
Johnny: Don’t worry about that, now rest here. I’ll be back soon.
(Johnny Beckman exits the locker room, just as Steve walks in with the complementary food tray.)
Steve: Food is here.
Sitcom: This is just a tray of Taco Bell sauce pockets.
Steve: And if you're thirsty, I think the shower head is dripping.
Sitcom: What is going on here? The building is falling down, you’re working multiple jobs, and this is the “free food”?
Steve: Torture is a cheapskate. He cuts every corner he can at these house shows to maximize profits. Did you check the card?
Sitcom: Yeah, all the regular AW superstars are here.
Steve: Look closer.
(Sitcom reads the house show card.)
Sitcom: Thrill Park? Upfall? Corey Brown?
Steve: And trust me, the cheapness gets worse.
Sitcom: How?
Steve: You’ll see.
(Steve slams the door behind him, which causes a piece of ceiling to fall.)
LATER...
(Johnny throws Sitcom’s book, History of the Tripua Kingdom, into the trash.)
Johnny: No time for reading Nerd!
Sitcom: Just thought that book might be important.
Johnny: It’s time for the kid’s Make-a-Wish thing.
Sitcom: Why is that important?
(Johnny glares at Sitcom.)
Sitcom: Oh yeah, because of the sadness.
(Out of nowhere pops out former CrusierClash wrestler...KAREN!)
Karen: HOW DARE YOU FUCKING GIVE MY SPOT TO A FUCKING KID!?!
Johnny: Airborne is like 40 something.
Karen: GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE?!?!!
Johnny: Please, calm down and step into my office.
(Johnny opens a door, and Karen walks in.)
Karen: THIS IS A CLOSET!!
(Johnny slams the door and Sitcom casually puts a giant shelf in front of it.)
Johnny: Now don’t worry, you won’t be the only wrestler meeting with the sick kid.
Sitcom: Who is the other wrestler?
(They walk into the green room to find...Hot Shot Wayne Austin yelling at a child in a wheelchair!)
Hot Shot: What?
Child: I don’t know.
Hot Shot: What!
Child: Please Stop!
Hot Shot: WHAT!!!!
(The child starts bawling.)
Mother: Oh, thank God, another Wrestler is here.
Johnny: Yes, the one and only, AW TV Champion...The Sitcom!
Mother: Oh yes, you’re that funny new guy.
Sitcom: I sure am. So, kid, what’s killing you?
Mother: That’s it, maybe it’s not too late to get that trip to Disneyland.
(The mother wheels her child from the room.)
LATER...
(Sitcom is waiting for his pre-match massage, when Dolores walks in.)
Dolores: Alright big man, strip down so I can oil you up.
Sitcom: What?
Dolores: Torture is so cheap; Steve and I are the only two AW employees here tonight.
Sitcom: What if I get hurt during my match?
Dolores: Don’t worry, we got nearly half a package of band-aides left. Now off with the robe!
Sitcom: I don’t know about this.
Dolores: Okay, I can get Steve to rub you down, but trust me I have superior grip strength.
Sitcom: Oh boy.
Dolores: Don’t get too excited, I don’t do Happy Endings.
Sitcom: You know what, I think I don't need a massage.
Dolores: Fine with me, I have a chair to wrap with barbwire for Sax Daemon.
(Sitcom breathes a side of relief as Dolores, and her oil, leaves.)
LATER...
(Sitcom walks by two construction workers, who are examining a giant hole in a hallway wall.)
Worker #1: A crazy lady did this?
Worker #2: She was trapped in that closet.
Worker #1: This is a load barring wall.
Worker #2: Guess we’ll need even less dynamite tomorrow.
(The sitcom looks a bit concerned about what he just overhead when Johnny finds him.)
Johnny: It’s time we start to think about our current rivals.
Sitcom: Finally, now I have this list of Raja’s most common moves.
Johnny: Not him.
Sitcom: Well then you must want to talk about Jimmy “Bad Time” Jackson.
Johnny: Even worse than him, I’m talking about Jimmy’s mama.
Sitcom: And the low blow heard around the world?
Johnny: What does it say about a society that cheers for a woman like that!!
Sitcom: That we’re all so fucking depressed, we highly value a hilarious nut shot?
Johnny: Well, I refuse to see me be the butt of any jokes.
Sitcom: Then I’d recommend staying off the message boards for a while.
(Johnny storms ahead, while Sitcom stays back...to check the message boards on his phone.)
LATER...
(Sitcom is sitting down for an online interview with...Steve, of course.)
Steve: The world of AOL wants to know...um...have you seen my note cards?
Sitcom: Did you say AOL?
Steve: Torture is too cheap to upgrade the House show media equipment.
Sitcom: Does anyone still even use AOL?
Steve: All 14 users in this chatroom do...see?
Sitcom: Yep, and all 14 of them have the number 69 in their username.
Steve: Now, answer us this...is it really...Big?
Sitcom: What?
Steve: It?
Sitcom: WHAT?
Steve: This is beginning to sound like my interview with Wayne Austin.
Sitcom: What is going on?
Steve: Oops, these questions are meant for my next guest.
Sitcom: Who is?
(Robby Bigg Dick sits down at the table.)
RBD: black lives matters blue lives sorta matters and yellow eyes really matters!
Sitcom: Yellow eyes?
RBD: grandmas has what John does!
Sitcom: A unhealthy psychological hold on me?
Steve: I think he means Jaundice.
RBD: Liver lives matters
Steve: This interview has made the chat room come alive!
Sitcom: There is one comment...from CamilaIsGold69...who says a/s/l.
RBD: Type back 14/f/Home Alone, that always gets a good response.
(Sitcom quietly exits the table as an instant messenger window pops up.)
LATER...
(Sitcom is back in his locker room, talking on the phone.)
Johnny: No time for meaningless phone calls.
(Johnny yanks the phone from the TV Champ and hangs up.)
Sitcom: I was actually on hold to talk to Hajeet.
Johnny: The best way to prepare for Raja is by picking the perfect main event tonight.
Sitcom: But wouldn’t his cousin know-
Johnny: FOCUS SITCOM!! Now I brought in some help to brainstorm potential opponents.
(PJ waddles into the room with the skinny Dee right behind him.)
Sitcom: Considering these two, I don’t know if the ideas will be too dumb or too racist.
Johnny: That reminds me, Torture has already sent us over a gift.
(In walks a stern looking man in a suit.)
Lawyer: I represent Action Wrestling, I’m here to ensure this promo stays politically correct.
DEE: My first thought about Raja is...Aladdin.
Sitcom: Aladdin is from Egypt, Raja is Indian.
PJ: So, he’s from Cleveland?
DEE: They prefer to be called Native Americans.
PJ: Raja owns a casino?
Lawyer: I see why I’m needed here now.
Johnny: What if we focus on Sitcom being American?
Sitcom: We do still have all that Recall President Freedom merchandise.
PJ: Sitcom could be Mr. 9/11.
DEE: Come again?
PJ: Shit Dee, you’re supposed to never forget.
Lawyer: Sitcom could be the Statute of Liability!
Everybody: …...................
Lawyer: Like Statue of Liberty.
Johnny: Are you close friends with Torture?
Lawyer: Why?
Johnny: I just want to know before I share my thoughts about your idea.
Sitcom: Enough of this...I know exactly who I want to face tonight.
(Sitcom storms out, leaving the floor oddly wobbly.)
PJ: God I hope he doesn’t pick me.
DEE: Why would he?
PJ: Because I used his electric toothbrush to clean my boots.
Johnny: I’m the only one around here with an electric toothbrush!
(Before Johnny can murder PJ, KAREN BUSTS IN!)
Karen: STAY AWAY FROM ME!
(Karen throws Dee into a garbage bin!)
Karen: DON’T MAKE ME CALL 911!!
(Karen punts PJ in the gut!!)
Lawyer: Legally, I should say-
(The Lawyer runs away.)
Karen: JOHNNY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!
Johnny: Just a sec, I have the perfect new tag partner for you...her name is Mama Jackson.
(Just then “Juice” by Lizzo hits the arena’s PA system.)
Karen: That’s my entrance music.
Johnny: Well then, I think this is your chance to show the world how great Karen the Wrestler is!
Karen: YES! IT IS!!!
(Karen darts away, and towards the ring.)
Johnny: Maybe my therapist is right, my greatness as a man does upset women.
(Johnny steps over PJ and Dee on his way out.)
AFTER THE MAIN EVENT...
(Johnny, Dee, and...Steve...are standing next to the arena’s loading dock.)
Johnny: What Sitcom just did to Karen was...
DEE: Insane? Sadistic?
Johnny: Encouraging.
DEE: So many choke-slams...through so many tables.
Johnny: Where did all those tables come from?
Steve: Torture rented out half the arena to Donny’s discount table storage.
(Just then Dolores rolls by with Karen on a stretcher.)
Dolores: Steve, I’m going to need help strapping her to the top of my Subaru.
Johnny: Just a moment...how are you feeling Karen?
Karen: No...more...wrestling...please.
Johnny: Anything else?
Karen: I should start...being nicer.
(Steve helps Dolores roll Karen away.)
Johnny: Oh, and Karen, one last thing...You’re Welcome.
(Johnny waves goodbye to his CrusierClash failure as Sitcom comes walking up.)
Sitcom: I’m confused.
Johnny: Did you get concussed performing all those chokeslams?
DEE: Should we call Dolores back?
Sitcom: No, I’m confused about how this night makes Torture like us more?
Johnny: What do you mean?
Sitcom: We made him look like a dumbass cheapskate businessman.
Johnny: Well...maybe...we...sort of.............Shit.
(PJ comes running up, with hot dogs tied around his waist and a towel in his hands.)
PJ: I got the prefect Raja spoof...a Suicide Bomber! Now who can wrap this towel around my head?
(Suddenly the AW Lawyer tackles PJ into the camera, and onto the demolition box.)
Sitcom: Is this a bad time to say Kingdom of Tripura is in Northeast India and became a state in 1972?