Σlysiµm (Part Three): Its Ok
Apr 29, 2023 16:32:05 GMT -5
Max f'n Daemon and Gerard Angelo like this
Post by Dionysus on Apr 29, 2023 16:32:05 GMT -5
(Content Warning: Topics of self-deprecation and suicide present.) Tick... Tick... Tick... You would think that Dr. Elbrook would have replaced that noisy clock by now. Maybe that's how he does his therapy; have a constantly annoying sound ticking away so you have no choice but to lay it all out, all for the sweet, sweet release. It already doesn't help that I'm in this mindset where I feel like nothing I say or do matters anymore. And if the ticking isn't annoying, the pen scratching on top of that is really driving me over the edge. I feel my fingers aching through the brace...I forgot to take my pain medication. How careless. He made time in his schedule to see me. It was a kindness I had not expected from the man. But I suppose as his patient, any time that is extra would be a great benefit to him. I spent the first half hour going over the dream I had the night before; waking up as though I were standing, the non-descript yellow rooms that would change as I passed through each threshold, the hallway that led to the void, the feeling of falling forward...the fields I saw, along with what I could best describe was a gateway. Every last detail I relayed to Elbrook, and every last detail was penciled into his pad. "...And then I touched the gateway and felt myself fall toward the ground," I concluded. "I woke up soon after that, upright and in a cold sweat." "I see...and has this occurred when you took your pain medication?" Elbrook inquired further. "No," I replied. "Normally I take the pill and just sleep. This felt more...vivid. Like the dream wasn't really a dream." "That is understandable," Elbrook said, placing his pen and notepad on the table in front of us. "Dreams have a way of feeling real, especially ones where we experience a free fall." I nodded in agreement, rubbing my healed over fingers and looking down at my feet. "So doc...I mean, Jonas...what does the dream mean? I know it isn't your area of expertise, but-" "But I am also your doctor," I heard him say. I looked up to see him holding a hand up to stop me, a thin smile on his face. "Even though I am not a reader of dreams, I do know that dreams can often times tell us about our mental state. I will do the best I can to interpret what the dream means." He picked up the pad, looking it over as he pointed and dragged his finger across the page. "The shifting hallways seem like a sign of a lack of direction, a desire to move forward but with no particular goal in sight. That would also explain the void at the end of your travels; if you indeed have a goal, it is either obscured or unknown." I listened intently; his thoughts confirmed what I was thinking of as well. "It seems that the dream is telling you that moving forward will lead you to an otherwise hidden goal, something you have yet to think of." "But what about the fields? The...I dunno, the gateway?" It was the one image that sat solidly in my mind, the part that repeated over and over in my head. Elbrook rubbed his bare chin, his expression hard, as though he was deep in the tanks thinking about my question. "That...I am not so sure of. It could represent any number of things. Considering it was your destination, though, my best assessment would be the arrival of your goal, whatever that may be. Finally reaching a place that you, say, did not know the way to, and that rush of excitement you described being more of an a-ha moment for you, perhaps." I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to recall any detail I had failed to mention. As I scratched the back of my head...something came to me. "There was another thing...voices, barely audible, but there were some things I could pick out. 'He does not know the way.' Something about...Elysium?" "Elysium?" Elbrook questioned. "You mean like the Elysian Fields? The ancient greek afterlife?" I nodded, saying, "It was faint, but I remember hearing that part." "Forgive me if this is too much to ask at the moment, but as your doctor, I really need to know," he inquired, though while his voice was clinical, there was also a hint of concern that I picked up. "Have you...been thinking about death? Or perhaps ending your own life?" It was the first time anyone had ever asked me that question. "If I'm being honest..." I began, but caught my tongue as I continued to scour my thoughts. "...As far as I can remember, I don't recall having any thoughts of ending my own life. I can't say my life has been easy, but I wouldn't want to end things that way. But as I look around and see those around me finding their own happiness...I feel like I haven't moved an inch. My mother remarried, my friend has moved on to his own thing...and as I sit here, in this office, with that ticking clock," I stopped again to point directly behind me at the clock that always bothered me, "It makes me wonder why, in the time everyone else has found what makes them happy...that I have yet to achieve that. And when I think of that..." I could feel my eyes redden as tears began to well up. "...It makes me wonder what would change if I were to just leave it all behind me. I just think how my goals and dreams have been left unfulfilled, unaccomplished...and everyone around me benefits. Each victory is a reminder that the other shoe will drop eventually, and each failure a reminder of what kind of worthless human being I really am..." I took a breath, unintentionally letting out a sob. I rubbed at my eyes to ease the irritation, and while doing so, I heard a light thud. I moved my hand from my eyes, seeing a box of Kleenex in front of me. Elbrook let go of the box, his expression softening. Despite everything I may feel about these appointments, I knew that he had my best interests at heart. Every kindness shown was calculating, as therapy is nothing but calculating, but the feeling remained the same. I took out a tissue, blotting my eyes and then blowing my nose. Elbrook eased back into his chair, taking up the pen and pad again. "It seems we may have reached a breakthrough. You are a kind person, Dionysus, and you put everything you can into taking care of those around you. But in doing so, you have neglected your own health, physical and mental, as well as your own sense of worth. We talked about this before; while placing others before yourself is admirable, there is nothing wrong with moments to take care of yourself. You are valued, you are loved, and you are important." I watched as he tore off a slip of paper, saying, "I'm going to give you the number of a crisis hotline. Carry it with you, and whenever these thoughts return to you, do not be afraid to call." Finishing his note, he slid the piece of paper across the table. I took a deep breath to calm down, retrieving the slip of paper and gave it a quick read. I then slid the paper in my pocket. "I appreciate this, doc. Truly, I do. Besides, the only other person in my life I care about these days is my father...wherever he is. Once I find out where he is, maybe I can get my fresh start." "Yes...we've discussed him before as well," Elbrook remarked, standing up from his chair and walking to his desk. "We are nearly out of time for this session, but before you leave, I wanted to talk briefly about your father." He took a seat at his desk, pulling open one of his file drawers. "As you recall, several months ago I promised to do what I could to try and track down your father's whereabouts. I have a friend who helps locate missing people. We were able to look further into his disappearance." He held up a manila envelope, sealed with a line of tape wrapped around the flap. The front of the envelope read "Hector Berget." I slowly stood up from the couch, my hand reaching out slightly. "You...you were able to find him?" I questioned quietly. "My contact was able to get this information, and it did not come easy," Elbrook informed. "But whether he was found dead or alive...I cannot tell you." He slid the file closer to me. "Out of respect for your privacy, I told my contact to seal the information before sending it over. This information is for you and you alone. It is not within my right to pry into these findings." I walked over to the desk, letting my hands hover over the envelope. The answer I have been looking for all these years...and it was right in front of me. I went to grab it, and paused, a dark thought creeping into my mind. "And this person...you trust them?" Elbrook shrugged, replying, "As much as I can trust anyone, I suppose. He is, however, a professional; it would not be in his best interest to fabricate any information he finds. As I said, this information is for your eyes only...but before you take it, I want to give you fair warning, as your doctor and also as a friend. Whatever is in this file is the truth of what happened to your father. Where he is. How his life is going. If he is alive. If not, where he is buried. While I do not know the details in the folder, I do know that this information will forever change your perception of the man. I know that much of your professional career is owed to Hector inspiring you, and also in the hopes that he would find you before you found him...but let me give you a question to consider. In the time he has been away, you have had many successes and failings in your life. There are times where his presence would have been a great boon. And yet, he was not here. So the question is this. How well do you really know Hector Berget?" My hands started to tighten into fists. "He is my father. I love him, and I know he loves me." "And if he loved you so much, do you think he would have returned home at some point?" Any tension I felt slackened in an instant. The question cut through me like a hot knife through butter. It was a question I had not considered. My hands began to tremble, thinking of the possibility that he simply stopped contacting us...that he never really left for Tokyo as he told us he was. That he was just starting a new life, regardless of how we felt about it...how...I felt about it. "Whatever reverence you hold your father in," Elbrook continued, his voice unwavering, "that will change upon opening that file. If you think you are better off knowing for sure what happened to your father, then open the file and see for yourself. If you think you are better off not knowing, then take the file anyway, keep it somewhere safe until you are ready, and open it then...or never open it at all, with the knowledge that if he truly wanted to be here with you...he would." He simply gestured toward the door after he said that. I knew our time was up. And even if we had more time, at that moment I really didn't know what to say. I picked up the file and held it in my limp arm as I made for the door. The dour yellow-tinted hallway where Elbrook's office resided was a sharp contrast to his classic office decor of mahogany wood and green carpet. I went down the stairs and entered a bathroom near the entrance of the office building, setting the file aside and splashing some water on my face. I looked up, seeing my dripping reflection in the mirror...and I began to laugh. I couldn't control it. It started as a chuckle, then it grew louder. This went on for a minute before I started taking deep breaths to calm down again. For the first time in a long time... ...I felt okay. |