Post by The Sitcom on Mar 26, 2023 1:01:55 GMT -5
"The following is a Paid Advertisement. It does not represent the views of Paramount Plus or Action Wrestling.”
(The show opens by panning over a studio audience made up of senior citizens with nothing better to do with their day. They are all clapping with the enthusiasm the stage manager instructed them to use moments before the show started. The show’s stage is made up to look like a comfortable and bright living room setup. There is a large counter-top set up in the middle of the stage. Behind that island counter-top stands the show’s host, Betty, along with Johnny ‘Money Bags’ Beckman. They are both dressed to impress, with matching class-act smiles.)
“Welcome back to the Home Shopping Network. Of course, we are very excited about selling some excellent merchandise from the wonderful Action Wrestling in our next segment. However, please remember we still have a few remaining products from our last segment, Going #2 on the Go. Including, the Rump Dump Pup Tent and the Porta Potty Personalization Kit."
(The studio audience applauds.)
“Let’s please welcome from Action Wrestling-”
“Excuse me Betty, but Legally, I am from Rich Man’s Media.”
“Okay, well either way, my guest tonight is Johnny ‘Money Bags’ Beckman.”
“You’re Welcome for having me.”
“Interesting way of saying that. I see you’ve also brought a friend...and...my gosh...he is very...large.”
(As Betty struggles to maintain her composure the 7-foot, 400-pounder known as The Sitcom slowly walks onto the stage. His stone-cold expression does nothing to help her be less shaken by his enormous presence.)
“Well, he certainly looks like a good fighter.”
“He better be, considering the money I’ve invested in him.”
“He owns me.”
“Like a slave?”
“No, I don’t own him...technically. But if he can’t win, I am selling his contract.”
“What a wonderfully colorful conversation that we need to move on from immediately. Let's talk about the first product up for sale, the “ill” Jill Pill.”
“This pill guarantees to make you more confident. You could say this pill wishes you no ill will.”
“It is 99% sugar.”
“And the true power comes from the other %1; according to the Tijuana doctors who created it.”
“Viva cheap medicine...our next product is The Let Freedom Ring ring, a ring for your finger that is also voice activated assistant.”
“This piece of jewelry comes in one design; red, white and blue. And it notifies you every time our personal freedoms are attacked.”
“It’s a device that tells you every time Donald Trump tweets.”
“This product will make America great again.”
“It’s made in China.”
“Patriotism of any kind is good, right? Onto our next item up for sale...The Hope to Sober Up Day to Day Calendar.”
“It is not only inspirational, but realistic. Look at what it says...Day #1 being Sober, the sunrise is amazing. (rips away a page) Day #2 being Sober, the sunrise is okay. (rips away a page) Day #3 being Sober, fuck the sunrise. (rips away a page) Day #4 being Sober, I'm getting a drink. (rips away a page) Day #5 being NOT Sober, When the hell did it becoming morning?”
(The Sitcom rips away the next page and reads it.)
“And finally, Day #1,467 being NOT Sober? When did I become a multi-champion in whatever Action Wrestling is?”
“Not exactly how most day-to-day calendars work but moving we have...Odin’s Nordic Bank, a piggy bank for your freezer.”
“Talk about cold hard cash.”
“However, it is a very old model, it only accepts, wheat pennies, Greek drachma, and the barter system.”
“Sounds like a great gift for the man who has everything...the next product we have is the Corey Black Coffin.”
“It is guaranteed to be Death Proof!”
“Because you’re already dead when you use it.”
“You can’t die twice! However, it does only come in one color.”
“Let me guess, Black.”
“Actually it comes in Vomit Green, because that was the cheapest paint the manufacture offered.”
“A little color is nice for a funeral...coming up next, we have The Downfall Life Alert System.”
“It's a device for when our beloved seniors have fallen and can’t get up; they can carry it around and if they fall, it helps them alert 911.”
“Yes, it’s not like we have portable devices that easily do that, plus a million other things.”
“I see you simply hit this big red button and it says,"
(Betty hits the button.)
“Down...Fall...Down...Fall.”
“And just like that 911 is on the way.”
“Not exactly, you must purchase a very expensive contract with the government to get that service.”
“However, if you notice it does come with a volume button, and if you just turn that up.”
“DOWN...FALL...DOWN...FALL!”
“And if you get it loud enough, I am sure it will annoy your neighbors enough to call the police for a noise complainant.”
“All is well that ends well, I suppose...let’s move onto the FPV’s The People’s Grounds.”
“Wait, isn’t that Frank Venable’s already successful, and surely trademarked, coffee shop company?”
“No, this is FPV’s The People’s Grounds. A highly enriched soil fertilizer made from the ashes of dead people.”
“That’s dark.”
“Maybe at first, but soon you’ll have a new bright green lawn!”
“Alright, based on the current shade of red on my producer's face I think we need to immediately move onto our next product...The Ziaire Bedazzling Kit.”
“After you super glue all these rough diamonds and hidden gems onto any outfit, people will be forced to pay attention to you.”
“Yes, you no longer will be ignored, but you’ll be laugh at, bullied to high hell, and get your ass kicked.”
“Any attention is good attention...I see our next item for sale is an accessory to the Ziaire Bedazzling Kit...The Maylis Un-bedazzling Kit.”
“Yes, eventually all the bedazzled attention might become annoying, and you want to make yourself more bland, and make sure the focus is on others.”
“Like if you want the actually wrestler to be the star, not some rich man manager.”
“Exactly. Wait, you better not dare be talking about us.”
(The exchanged glance between Johnny and The Sitcom suddenly fills the studio with intense awkwardness. Betty quickly speaks up to keep the show happy, light, and on track.)
“I see our last product for the show is, Torture’s Not Cool Motivation Posters.”
(Johnny continues his stare down of The Sitcom. The 7-foot, 400-pound super-heavyweight heads off stage which causes Johnny to snap back into his fake Hollywood persona.)
“Yes, Betty, we have such motivational quotes from Torture as, ‘Who needs Loving Legal Guardians when you have subpar Child Protective Services’.”
“I see this poster says, ‘So what if your brother is a mental case who hasn’t spoken since 2003, Ice Cream still exists!’.”
“This is my favorite however, ‘When you run half a business, you can half ass all your work’.”
“Wow, those posters sure are...kind of motivational. Well, Mr. Beckman, I believe it is time for your segment to end.”
“If you 'like' this, but didn't see the superstar product you love the most, I’ll be back soon for part 2 of AW on Home Shopping Network.”
“Yes, perhaps, depending on what our legal team says. Coming up next, we will be presenting a whole new line of products to help you move on from past traumas. I know I will personally be very interested in these items after this experiencing this last segment.”
“You’re Welcome, Betty.”
“I didn’t say thank you.”
(And just like that, the on-stage lights go dark as Betty storms off towards her dressing room. Johnny continues to bask in the camera's attention, until the shot switches to another camera panning over a very confused audience of old people before the show ends.)