Post by The Sitcom on Mar 22, 2023 1:28:33 GMT -5
(You open your podcast account. You search Action Wrestling. You click on the filter link. You click on new. And what pops up is a true gift. You press the play button as your soul says thank you to your finger.)
“Welcome to Rich Man’s Radio. Starring me, Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman, and the next big thing in wrestling, in more ways than one, The Sitcom. Say something to the people, big man.”
“Hello.”
“He’s a man of few words, but trust me, his action’s will speak volumes at Clash. However, with that in mind I have invited a third party for this podcast. He has been my loyal butler since before I was born. He is Jeeves.
“Good day, listeners.”
“...Another man of few words. While I might be currently regretting adding Jeeves to this podcast, nonetheless I trust my skills on the mic to carry this show. Speaking of shows, let’s talk about Clash. Let’s talk about a few very important topics heading into Action Wrestling’s next big thing, The Sitcom and his match versus Christopher Prince.”
(Dead air.)
“Feel free to speak up at any point guys.”
(More dead air.)
“Well, why don’t I kick this off with a question to The Sitcom, tell me about your darkness.”
“The Suicide Hotline knows me by the sounds of my voice.”
“That’s dark. But is that it?”
“I once euthanized a kitten to keep it from feeling the pain of this world.”
“Getting dark, but I think it gets darker.”
“The last true feeling I felt was when a homeless man stabbed me.”
“That must have truly hurt.”
“You were stabbed, and I'm sure it hurt, yet that is not very dark.”
“I was sad because I thought he was going to give me a hug. I’ve always wondered what one of those is like.”
“Beat Prince at Clash and maybe you’ll find out.”
“You saying you’ll hug me?”
“No but I’d order Jeeves to hug you. Now, Prince says he knows darkness for his parents are both dead. How do you respond to that?”
“Did his parents love him before they died?”
“Very much so.”
“When did they die?”
“Sometime in his childhood.”
“So, they loved him when he was a baby at least?”
“I suppose.”
“Then, that is more than my parents have ever loved me.”
“Explain.”
“My father was once ordered by a judge to stop dropping me off at the local fire station. And my mother once helped the school bully write jokes about me.”
“At least they we’re a part of your life.”
“My father once named a bullet after me. And my mom got put on an FBI for buying enough rat poison to kill an elephant.”
“Hmm, maybe Prince’s parents just dying isn’t such a big deal.”
“This conversation reminds me how my parents both died when I was young. It was 1939, my mother’s spy skills had got my father’s sniper skills a single shot from Hitler’s brain when-”
“Unfortunately, I am going to have to stop you there for we’re scheduled to have a commercial break now.”
(Johnny shuffles a few papers around.)
“Beckman Media presents: “ill” the Jill raps in the shower. Featuring such hits as “Clean and Mean”, “Bling, Bling, Shower Rings”, and “Drop the Soap, it feels dope.”
(Johnny taps the microphone as signal the show is back from the advertisement.)
“Let’s move onto another big topic concerning The Sitcom vs Prince.”
“Butlers?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Mr. Prince has a great butler; I am a great butler.”
“You are MY great butler. Has The Sitcom been asking you to do things for him?”
“Actually no, if anything he’s been asking me what I can do for him.”
“First off, The Sitcom, Jeeves does not receive help, he only gives it. Second, this next topic isn’t about a battle of butlers, but a battle of wrestling skills. From what I’ve seen Prince is about two weeks into a workout program that needs 6 months to just start to show positive results in the ring. Meanwhile, The Sitcom tell me about the last three fights you were in.”
“A week ago, a drunk biker stumbling out of a bar challenged me to a death fight.”
“And the result of that?”
“He ended up in a dumpster begging for his fellow gang members to stop running away and rescue him.”
“What about your next fight?”
“A street gang told me to stop walking through their territory.”
“And the result of that?”
“Last I heard, most of them are expected to come out of their comas.”
“What about what happened yesterday?”
“You mean the incident with the swat team? I’ve been fined.”
“Fined for what?”
“Bending an officer’s firearm, denting an officer’s helmet while they’re wearing it, and shoving a nightstick up a place my lawyer says I should not mention.”
“All this talk of law and order reminds me of the time when I was filling in as a butler for Mr. OJ Simpson, it was June 12th, 1994. He asked me to hide this second bloody glove-”
“Unfortunately, I am going to have to stop you there for we’re scheduled to have a commercial break now.”
(Johnny shuffles his papers to find the next advertisement.)
“Beckman Media presents: Odin Bug Spray. Odin is an underworld Hitman. He has killed Demons. He has killed Angels. He has killed Gods. And that is why Odin Bug Spray needs to be your next purchase. Warning: Odin Bug Spray should not be used near humans and may cause floor decay. Warning: Odin Bug Spray is not Legally allowed for purchase in the most countries. Warning: Odin Bug Spray does not kill Cockroaches; nothing kills those fuckers.”
(Johnny taps the microphone as signal the show is back from the advertisement.)
“Let’s wrap up with the topic of Passion.”
“That makes me think about when my ancestor convinced King Henry VIII to maybe try a new wife in 1536. He thought it might make him look a fool in future history books but-”
“Stop boring everyone Jeeves. I am trying to talk about Prince vs The Sitcom. Now, The Sitcom, talk to us about your one true passion, Television.”
“I left it to Beaver, I found Happy Days with the Fonz, I dreamed of Jeanie, I loved Lucy.”
“Go on.”
“I was troubled when DJ didn’t eat and over-exercised; I worried when Jessie was “so excited!”
“Keep going.”
“I cried when Colonel Blake’s plane went down; I had trouble moving on when Cheers shut off the bar lights for the last time.”
“Tell us real the truth about your TV passion; and trust me, I won't mock you when you're done this time.”
“TV has taught me when to laugh, when to worry, when to pity, when to feel sad, when to be mad, and most importantly when to insert a plot twist.”
“What plot twist?”
“I plan to kill Christopher Prince.”
“Yes, you plan to defeat him.”
“No, I plan to kill him. Fuck it. He is in my way. I need to kill him.”
“Johnny, this reminds me of the time I told your father there are better ways to become CEO of Apple without killing-”
“Whoa, let’s stop now.”
“Like you told me Johnny, I can legally kill Christopher Prince and then make a TV show about it.”
“I think this is a good time to remind everyone we are not officially presented by Beckman Media. But we are actually presented by Action Wrestling-
(Just like that, someone with more authority than this show ends this podcast.)