Spoiler Alert Clash and CruiserClash 2.6.23
Feb 3, 2023 10:37:53 GMT -5
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Karlie Nash and The Ascension like this
Post by T.F.K. on Feb 3, 2023 10:37:53 GMT -5
Lights!
Camera!
ACTION!
Live Crowd: “AC-TION WREST-LING! AC-TION WREST-LING! AC-TION WREST-LING!!!”
The godlike camera runs through the live studio audience while “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 plays leading to TFK walking onto the stage wearing his sharpest dark blue Armani suit with a red tie, an early throwback to his early US title campaign as an beacon of American Made and Freedom Bred. TFK pulls his hair back into a ponytail and smiles at the crowd on his way to his desk made of mahogany.
Craig Lewis: “Ladies and gentleman, you’ve been without a true voice of the people for far too long and you have been following this industry without a true trajectory… But I, Craig Lewis, TFK’s personal Theatrical Movie Voice Guy, am PLEASED to bring you YOUR DIRECTOR OF ACTION WRESTLING!”
The applause light turns on and the audience clap along and cheer for TFK, who basks in their admiration.
TFK: “Thank you, thank you everyone and thank you Craig for that brilliant introduction as always and yes we are AC-TION WREST-LING, BAY BAY!! And this is TFK’s SPOILER ALERT! We are so pleased to have you with us tonight as we run down the results of our ‘predictions’, deliver upon you a new SPOILER for next week’s Clash and CruiserClash, and we bring out a new guest for my Casting Couch!”
Craig Lewis: “Besides the controversy around the Lucha Libre Street Fight being moved to next week, I’d say 8 out of 11 isn’t too bad, Thad.”
TFK: “Exactly, Craigers and after what I thought was going to be a DIME piece in Raquel, who turned out to be a rusty peso, those dirty Dorada’s deserve being bumped.”
Craig Lewis: “That bad, Thad? Not an Eva Angeline type?”
TFK: “Ha, more like a Gordita Crunch after an all night drunken binder on the cheapest tequila a sloppy hand job can get you.”
Craig Lewis: “Wow, very descriptive…”
TFK lowers his head a bit and slowly nods.
Craig: Lewis: “Did you at least…”
Soundboard: CUM CUM CUM, CUM!!!!
TFK: “NO!”
Thad shutters at the thought.
TFK: “I didn’t even let that Chupa-Squatch come anywhere near my Fandango!”
Craig Lewis: “I’m sorry to hear that, Thad… Speaking of ogre women, did you happen to get Karlie Nash to agree to come on the show?”
TFK: “Ha, maybe if I was the Cryptkeeper's mother, she’d come on the show, but now, she’s giving me the cold shoulder like the rest of the women in Action Wrestling…”
Craig Lewis: “You know, maybe it is your approach that rubs them the wrong way?”
TFK: “Hey, I’m just looking to get rubbed right, Craiger, it’s not my fault they don’t see the positives of appearing on my Casting Couch.”
Craig Lewis: “Yes, I can see how your obnoxious machismo is enough to bring any woman to her knees begging to be a guest on this show. Good thing for you, you have me as your partner in crime, because I got you a guest better than all the rest.”
TFK’s eyes double in size.
TFK: “Did you get… Did you get Jill Parks?”
Craig shakes his head no.
TFK: “Did you get Lissie Hope?”
Craig shakes his head no with a smile.
TFK: “Addy A?”
Craig shakes his head no again and Thad is getting annoyed.
TFK: “Scissoring AZZurine Vebbins?
Craig shakes his head no and this triggers Thad to start spewing names out left and right.
TFK: “SERENITY? KARLIE? ALEXA MARLEY? MALPAIS? PUNKY? GEMINI? ELLIE? JOLEE? NIOBE? JESSIE LEE? VOORHEES? WHO MAN, WHO???!”
Craig is laughing his ass off now.
Craig Lewis: “Sure you didn’t miss a couple of names, Thad?”
TFK: “Jesus, man! Noble Savage? Ms Monster? Whatever chicks that follow Karlie Nash around?”
The lights cut out and “Raven” by Kittie begins to play as red smoke fills the sound stage.
TFK: “THE FUCK, CRAIG?! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS?! NOT ON MY CASTING COUCH IN A MILLION YEARS! NOT EVEN WITH YOUR DICK!”
The red smoke takes over the entire sound stage engulfing Craig and Thad.
Craig Lewis: “I can’t see a thing, Thad!”
TFK: “IN THE NAME OF RON JEREMY, THE POWER OF BABY OIL AND VASELINE COMPELS YOU!!!”
Craig Lewis: “I messed up, I’m sorry Thad!”
TFK: “Oh god, that was my leg! BE GONE DEMON SUCCUBUS!”
The sound stage goes silent and the smoke starts to be sucked away by fans and the lights slowly come back on.
Craig Lewis: “Thad, are you okay? Thad?!”
TFK sits behind his desk with a dazed look on his face, his suit is torn a bit and he has face paint smeared all over his face.
Craig: “Thad?!”
TFK slowly snaps out of it and he pulls out his phone and looks at himself on its screen.
TFK: “I don’t know what the hell just ran me over, but DAMN!”
Thad stands up and exits stage left.
Craig Lewis: “I’m sorry folks, but we are going to take a short break.
The feed goes to a commercial break.
Pauly Shore: “Hi, Im Pauly Shore and you may remember me from such cinematic classics as, Son In-Law, In The Army Now, Encinco Man or my personal favorite Bio-Dome. I am here to ask you if you suffer from chronic back pain? If you do, what are you doing to combat it?"
Pauly Shore walking next to a tranquil filled backdrop of a calm lake with lush green woods surrounding it.
Pauly Shore: "I have spent most of my career carrying my peers on my back, so back pain comes naturally to me. Now, I spent many nights at the Viper Room chasing percocet with rum runners and lemon drops, but I found that after getting hit by a harsh reality check at the Viper Room one night… I wasn’t living my best life and I was covering the back pain, not actually fixing it.”
A couple blonde Instagram models roll by Pauly on roller skates with their phones out recording themselves in front of the beautiful background.
Pauly Shore: “So if you’re like me… Well no one is like the weasel (makes weasel sounds), but if you’re living a copy and paste life with chronic back pain, then I implore you to take NonEgoFel. It’s fast acting and it is non invasive, buuuuuddy.”
Pauly stops walking along the lake to take a selfie with two teenage boys who high five and run off.
Pauly Shore: “See, this generation does know who I am. As any drug, it is best to ask your doctor if NonEgoFel is right for you, but if it’s right for Crawl from Son In-Law, then it’s gotta be right for you. Right?”
Voiceover Guy: “Side effects of NonEgoFel are uncommon, and include headache, nausea, vomiting, mild death, dizziness, vaginal ejaculations, dysentery, cardiac arrhythmia, mild heart explosions, varicose veins, darkened stool, darkened soul, lycanthropy, trucanthropy, more vomiting, arteriosclerosis, hemorrhoids, diabeetus, virginity, mild discomfort, vampirism, gender impermanence, spontaneous dental hydroplosion, sugar high, even more vomiting, total scrotal implosion, brown, your mom, and mild rash.”
Pauly gives the camera and a thumbs up with a big stupid smile.
We return to the studio to TFK and Craig jabbering in front of the a live studio audience.
Craig Lewis: “Now that you’re all cleaned up, Thad, figure it is time to move onto your Spoiler Alert Predictions for this week’s show?”
TFK: “Before we get into that, I’d like the AW Universe to see the results of my previous prediction from Gold Rush. Throw those results up on the screen, Stage Monkeys!”
Gold Rush results
World Championship
Anything Goes
Sam Kidsgrove vs. Spencer Adams vs. Gerard Angelo vs. Jill Park(c)
I’m sorry, Sammy, but we all saw that you were ROBBED! Congrats to Jill Parks though as she builds on her reign.
Cruiserweight Championship
Remy Nouveau vs. Bryan Blaze(c)
Congrats to Remy for proving this Action Wrestling Hall of Famer right, keep on fighting kid.
United States Championship
Tournament Finals
Henry Lancaster vs. Alice Gemini
Did I call it? Or did I call it? Great freakin’ job, Alice Gemini! Now you holding onto my baby, you gotta come on my Casting Couch. Call me
Womens Championship
Tatiana Jolee vs. Lissie Hope(c)
Looks like the Gold Digger continues her reign as the Women’s Champion and you can’t paint any of us surprised after that performance out there. The gold looks good on you, Lissie.
Hardcore Championship
Shopping Cart Match
Robby Bigg Dick vs. Downfall(c)
Downfall, terrible name, but my dude, you are vicious in that ring and you showed up and showed the fuck out. Great job, Downy.
Win Or Your Career Is Done
Andre Holmes vs. Serenity Holmes
Serenity Holmes puts her father down and not a single soul is surprised by the fact, but what is next for the 22nd Century Girl? Hope to see her aim higher after that slobber knocker she performed out there.
Chairs Match
Holden Ross vs. Alister McKissick
Holden my Beer ate defeat and McKissIT comes out on top. NAMES, but I digress. Victory was well earned, keep on McKissing it, kid.
Tag Team Championships
Odin Balfore & Corey Black vs. Carter Shaw & "The Light" Wesley(c)
Oldin did exactly what I assumed he would, but the fact he didn’t release the Valkyries of Rage on Mr. Black, I was shocked. Maybe you can teach old scrotum having dogs new tricks. Good victory Shaw and Wesley.
SCW Hardcore Championship
Billy Ray Cash vs. Hot Shot Wayne Austin(c)
Hot damn, Billy Ray showed a mean streak that I had no idea he had and to see Hot Shot fall like that. Man, oh man… I’m speechless and I am never speechless. LIke EEEEEVER…
Lucha Libre Street Fight
Two Gents vs. La Familia Dorada
Good riddens, I’ll never forget the hungry look in Raquel’s eyes the other night, but those Lucha Jerks deserve their match to be bumped to next week.
Hotaka vs.Baba Yaga
Oh God, I feel for Hotaka… I REALLY DO… Thanks a lot, Craig!
Television Championship
Ellie Austin vs. Addy A(c)
Addy A retaining this week, but she has her hands full next week, time will tell.
#1 Contender to the United States Championship
James Freedom vs. Jonny Cedrone vs. Jessie Lee vs. Brandon Leno
My horse lost to a guy named after a talk show host? Seriously? It’s okay, James Freedom, shake it off and continue your mission, because you are destined to hold my girl, I know you are. As for Leno, relish in that victory and be ready for a Man Eater in Alice Gemini.
Craig Lewis: “Not a bad turn out for your first prediction, Thad. Think you have a better chance with this next batch of matches?”
TFK: “Come on, Craiger, I am a damned professional. Of course I do.”
Craig Lewis: “Do you all believe, Thad has it in him for a clean sweep this week?”
Live Audience: “WOOOOOOOOO”
TFK: “See, they believe, now, Stage Monkeys bring it out!”
The geeky interns roll out a large dry erase board with all of the matches listed on it with names circled with Thad’s choices.
Clash from Cleveland
Main Event
Gerard Angelo vs. Sam Kidsgrove
Winner: Sammy Kidsgrove
Reason: I’m not giving up on my boy, no matter who is standing against him. Kidsgrove’s contract may be coming up, but he is FOREVER, much like The Hollywood Elite!
Television Championship
Jake Paul vs. Addy A(c)
Winner: Addy A
Reason: Jake Paul is a celeb ass clown and I have dealt with celeb ass clowns before. Addy A is going to take care of business on Clash.
Keiji Ueno vs. Tyler Walker
Winner: Tyler Walker
Reason: Bio-Walker, need I say more? AHWOOOOOOO!
Hardcore Championship
Holden Ross vs. Downfall(c)
Winner: Downfall
Reason: Holden my beer Ross is a joke and as much as I make fun of the name Downfall, Downy is going to drop Holden Ross hard in this one. Show us your ultraviolence, Downy, you are the champ for a reason.
James Freedom & Jonny Cedrone vs. Jessie Lee & Henry Lancaster
Winner: Freedom and Cedrone
Reason: I see something special in Freedom and his pairing with Cedrone is an interesting one that may, in an odd couple way, work out. Both men weren’t pinned in the US title number 1 contender match, unlike Jessie Lee. I see this duo having Lee and Lancster’s number this week.
Ellie Austin vs. Niobe Martin
Winner: Ellie Austin
Reason: Niobe is a feisty looking minx, but Ellie is bringing star quality. I see Jergens’s stock going up in this one and the fans will be treated to a happy ending in this one.
#1 Contender for CBS Championship
Alister McKissick vs. Chase Jackson
Winner: Alister McKissick
Reason: I can see McKissIT defeating Chase Jackson, soundly. The sky is the limit, kid.
CruiserClash
Main Event
#1 Contender Cruiserweight Championship
Zombie McMorris vs. Serenity Holmes vs. Jaice Wilds
Winner: Serenity Holmes
Reason: She dropped her father… HER FATHER. You’re telling me she doesn’t have something to prove in this one to find herself standing across from the Cruiserweight champion again? This is a MUST win for the 22nd Century Girl and she and all of AW knows it.
Lucha Libre Street Fight
Two Gents vs. La Familia Dorada
Winner: La Familia Dorada
Reason: They’re underhanded and they’re sneaky AF… I’m not going to say they’re going to lie, cheat, and steal this victory, but I do believe they are absolutely DONE with The Gents and they want MORE than The Gents can offer.
#1 Contender to the Womens Championship
Azurine Vebbins vs. (Mystery Opponent!)
Winner: ZARA
Reason: My sources say, Zara is back and she is going to straight body bag scissoring AZZurine this week. One to keep an eye on for sure and keep those hands well… Moisturized.
Mountain Dew Baja Blast Match
Dorian Bateman vs. Maylis Malpais
Winner: Dorian Bateman
Reason: The Wet Dreamweaver is going to Baja Blast Malpais right out of the company in this match, which is sad, because she is so nice to look at.
J.C. Keeton vs. Leon Blackwell
Winner: Leon Blackwell
Reason: Leon is young and Leon is hungry… When is the last time we’ve seen Keeton actually putting in the effort? Keeton, the AW Universe is still waiting for you TO SHOW UP.
Punky vs. Rey Riddler
Winner: Punky
Reason: I wouldn’t want to be caught in a stuck elevator with this chick, but I see she is rougher and tougher than little Rey Riddler. Punky wins the hard way against, Riddler.
Doc Holiday vs. Alex Marley
Winner: Doc Holiday
Reason: Doc has IT, while Alex is still lingering the smoke to find it. ZMac GOT’EM and now I see Alex trying to look tougher in this one, but Doc is fresh and he’s going to show his arrogance can be backed in that ring.
TFK: “The Action Wrestling Universe has a hell of a Monday night for wrasslin and I know I’m really looking forward to it. How about you all?”
Live Audience: “WOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!!!!”
Craig Lewis: “As the kids say, LET’S GO!!! Ladies and Gentleman, thank you as always for joining us on Action Wrestling's Spoiler Alert. That was your host TFK,the haunting Baba Yaga that Thad will never EEEEEVER forget, and I am your humble forever sidekick… Um hmm… (Theatrical Voice) CRAIG LEWIS!
TFK: “You guys will love this… HIT THE MUSIC, STAGE MONKEYS!”
Moves Like Jagger from Maroon 5 starts to play and TFK starts to dance his way to the live studio audience who joins in awkwardly. As we fade out to black.