TFK's Spoiler Alert Gold Rush Premiere
Jan 24, 2023 19:12:34 GMT -5
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Karlie Nash and Gerard Angelo like this
Post by T.F.K. on Jan 24, 2023 19:12:34 GMT -5
Lights!
Camera!
ACTION!
Live Crowd: “GOLD RUSH! GOLD RUSH! GOLD RUSH! GOLD RUSH!”
The godlike camera runs through the live studio audience while “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 plays leading to TFK walking onto the stage wearing his sharpest dark blue Armani suit with a red tie, an early throwback to his early US title campaign as an beacon of American Made and Freedom Bred. TFK pulls his hair back into a ponytail and smiles at the crowd on his way to his desk made of mahogany.
Craig Lewis: “Ladies and gentleman, you’ve been without a true voice of the people for far too long and you have been following this industry without a true trajectory… But I, Craig Lewis, TFK’s personal Theatrical Movie Voice Guy, am PLEASED to announce the return of YOUR DIRECTOR OF ACTION WRESTLING!”
The applause light turns on and the audience clap along and cheer for TFK, who basks in their admiration.
TFK: “Thank you, thank you everyone and thank you Craig for that brilliant introduction, you seem more focused than normal… You finally kick the coke habit?”
Craig laughs and gives TFK a thumbs up.
TFK: “Speaking of coke habits, man did you all see that Zombie McMorris has returned to Action Wrestling way before he normally does… Blame global warming or a rise in cannon fodder talent for him to run through, but we normally see ZMac return around Summer time, amirite?”
Craig Lewis: "Rumor mill states ZMac knocked up a little released AW Commentator after getting her hooked on some pretty HorrorCore drugs… Maybe he’s back for a guaranteed paycheck to take care of his new mutant baby?”
TFK: “Now, Craig, I wouldn’t put it past ZMac and his love for dumpster diving… If you know what I mean, but I believe ZMac has a hole that needs to be filled obviously. He’s premature on his approach, much like the idea of that Ziaire Green kid being ready for the likes of CruiserClash. At least we can count on ZMac to show up as much as we can count on him to butcher the English language.”
Craig Lewis: “One way or another he’s gonna-”
Soundboard: “CUM CUM CUM CUM!!”
TFK: “Come on now, Craig, this is a family show…”
Craig Lewis: “Yeah and you’re a natural blonde.”
TFK covers his head before moving on to a segment.
TFK: “When I was walking out to the stage tonight, I couldn’t help but hear you all chanting Gold Rush, is that right?”
Live Crowd: “GOLD RUSH! GOLD RUSH! GOLD RUSH! GOLD RUSH!”
TFK: “Okay, okay, I’m just as excited as you are! Believe me, it’s not every day that I get to witness my good friend, Sammy Kidsgrove go for that World Championship. He can deny it all he wants, but he is The Hollywood Elite for life and I will gladly live bicuriously through him.”
Craig Lewis: “I think you mean, vicariously, Thad…”
TFK: “Hey, I said what I said. My brother from another lover has a huge opportunity on his hands and he’s ten times the leading man than that Geraldo Angelo guy.”
Craig Lewis: “He also has your achilles heel to get by, in Spencer Adams.
TFK grumbles and then forces a smile.
TFK: “What’s the King of the Slabs being up to nowadays?”
Craig Lewis: “Yeah, he doesn’t call himself that anymore…”
TFK: “Hmph, next you’re going to tell me that we all forgot about Nephew Robbie too.”
Craig Lewis: “It’s all about his daughter, Thad, he has a new outlet in life now that he’s a father.”
TFK: “For Ron Jeremy’s sake, Nephew Robbie is rolling in his daggone grave, Craig… I just can’t even.”
TFK sits back in his chair.
Craig Lewis: “Sammy boy has Jill Park to compete with too, if that helps you find your focus on that subject at hand.”
Live Crowd: “Ooooooooooo!”
TFK: “I can second that! Do you think we could get her on the Casting Couch, Craig?”
Craig Lewis: “Maybe we can sell it on one of her AW World Champion obligations, my people will get with her people and obviously Torture…”
TFK: “Good call… And Man, she is a feisty little vixen that makes Sammy’s Zooey Dashunel look like the butt of a loaf of bread.”
Criag Lewis: “Loaf of bread, Thad?”
TFK: “Unwanted, Craig. Nobody wants the butt part of bread.”
Craig Lewis: “Heh, you’re not wrong… Do you still think CruiserClash is filled with nobody never-was-es?”
Live crowd: “Booooooo!”
TFK: “Now, now, now, I have grown and I have learned to like CruiserClash for what it is and I could blame it on the likes of newcomer Remy Nouveau and his journey to overthrow Canada’s Greatest Export, Bryan Blaze. I find myself cheering for Remy, Craig.”
Craig Lewis: “He seems to have the gift of gab and we will see soon enough if he also has the gift of jab.”
TFK: “Take it from an Action Wrestling Hall of Famer, Remy, you can defeat Bryan Blaze if you dig down deep enough.”
Craig Lewis: “Speaking of digging down deep… What’s your thoughts on Action Wrestling’s abuzz Women’s Championship and the likes of Tatiana Jolie taking on Lissie Hope who’s the current champion?”
The godlike camera zooms in on TFK drooling.
Live crowd: “Oooooooo!”
Craig Lewis: “Thad!”
TFK shakes it off and the camera zooms back to the normal shot.
TFK: “Sorry, I was just imagining those two beautiful girls taking part in a very special Casting Couch session…”
Craig Lewis: “Focus, man, you gotta focus.”
TFK: “I said I was sorry… Anyways, Action Wrestling Women’s Championship, you say? Tatiana Jolie and Lissie Hope could truly find a reason to fight forever and I doubt anyone would want to stop them. The question is, will Lissie Hope utilize her Champion’s advantage here to walk away with her gold intact?”
Craig Lewis: “Well, I’m not saying she’s a gold digger… But Lissie certainly allows her lady bits to drag her to the gold one way or another… So I’d say she’d do anything to retain in this one.”
TFK: “You make a valid point for once, Craig and I’m pretty sure Jergens’s stock will go up too.”
The live crowd laughs.
Craig Lewis: “Speaking of Jergens… What about your ex being on the line between Henry Lancaster and Alice Gemini?”
TFK grumbles.
TFK: “That fickle bitch… And I’m not talking about some Alice Gemini scandal here. I’m talking about my United States Championship and neither Henry nor Alice will ever treat her the way I treated her.”
Craig Lewis: “That’s facts, man, but at least you know you were her first.”
The live crowd laughs and TFK nods softly.
TFK: “And I always will be…”
A horn sounds across the arena and TFK straightens up.
TFK: “Alright, alright, I’ll stop sulking… Craig, sir, I believe it is time to do our Spoiler Alert Predictions!”
Craig Lewis: “Yes indeed!”
TFK: “Bring out the board, stage monkeys!”
A couple of acne covered interns walk out with a projector and a screen on a tripod, they both stand staring at TFK.
TFK: “Thank you, you can leave now!”
The two scurry off and TFK rolls his eyes.
TFK: “You can’t get good free help nowadays, can you?”
Craig Lewis: “What do I know? You used to pay me in Coke… A Cola.”
TFK: “That’s neither here nor there, let’s get down to business. First up is:
World Championship -Anything Goes
Sam Kidsgrove vs. Spencer Adams vs. Gerard Angelo vs. Jill Park(c)
Winner: Sammy Kidsgrove
Reason: Do I have to give a reason why I’m backing Sammy Kidsgrove? I’ve said it before, once The Hollywood Elite, always The Hollywood Elite. Also, FUCK SPENCER ADAMS AND HIS TFK KRYPTONITE HAVING ASS. Gerard, take notes of what a true Hollywood Elitist is like and Jill, call me, I’d love to get you on my Casting Couch.
Cruiserweight Championship
Remy Nouveau vs. Bryan Blaze(c)
Winner: Remy Nouveau
Reason: Remy is golden and it is about time the likes of Bryan Blaze notices it… Besides, this is the perfect underdog story, especially after watching Harper attack Remy on Clash this week. Amirite? Bet on yourself Remy and you will achieve that Cruiserweight Championship.
United States Championship
Tournament Finals
Henry Lancaster vs. Alice Gemini
Winner: Alice Gemini
Reason: Who is the hungriest here is the question and I'm sure Alice could beat out Kabayashi for the most weiners eaten in one sitting. I mean, Alice is a bonafide badass between those ropes and it makes me wonder what she’s like on my Casting Couch.
Womens Championship
Tatiana Jolee vs. Lissie Hope(c)
Winner: Lissie Hope
Reason: As Craig said before, we’re not saying she’s a gold digger, but she’ll literally do anything for gold… And I mean anything.
Hardcore Championship
Shopping Cart Match
Robby Bigg Dick vs. Downfall(c)
Winner: Downfall
Reason: Sorry Bigg Dick, but if I was shooting this, you’d go over by name alone, but Downfall has come a long way since I last stood in a ring with him and made fun of his name.
Win Or Your Career Is Done
Andre Holmes vs. Serenity Holmes
Winner: Serenity Holmes
Reason: This has all the trappings of a terrible Hallmark movie if it was shot by Jerry Springer. As terrible as their relationship is, you’d think they lived in the same trailer park as that bed stain Dandy Divito… With that said, Serenity will win with the help of her cuck boyfriend and she will show her daddy, Andre, that she’s the most relentless… In bed. Sorry I was reading a fortune cookie when I wrote that.
Chairs Match
Holden Ross vs. Alister McKissick
Winner: Alister McKissick
Reason: Holden My Beer Ross is going to find out that he is in way over his head against Alister. Something tells me that Alister is going to come out swinging and he’s not going to care who’s standing in his way.
Tag Team Championships
Odin Balfore & Corey Black vs. Carter Shaw & "The Light" Wesley(c)
Winners: Shaw and Wesley
Reason: Oldin Balfore is going to come out big dick swinging, thinking that he’s more entitled than Serenity Holmes and he’s going to go down faster than Katta Pult on a dropped twenty dollar bill. Corey Black is going to find himself still trying to figure out how he let Downfall beat his ass at XIII and yet returned so quickly to side with Oldin Balfore… He must still be concussed.
SCW Hardcore Championship
Billy Ray Cash vs. Hot Shot Wayne Austin(c)
Winner: Hot Shot Wayne Austin
Reason: Hot Shot is the champ for a reason and his beer taste like it was delivered from the nipples of angels.
Lucha Libre Street Fight
Two Gents vs. La Familia Dorada
Winners: La Familia Dorada
Reason: I’m strictly choosing the winners based off fuckability. I mean, there’s a reason why Lazaro and Vandalia are luchadores without masks, amirite? The Gents are too nice and they’re obviously old news.
Hotaka vs. (Mysterious Figure)
Winner: The fans?
Reason: It is a mystery and it makes Craig question his sexuality… So, it’s a win/win.
Television Championship
Ellie Austin vs. Addy A(c)
Winner: Addy A
Reason: Champion’s advantage and Addy has a future slot that needs filled as a guest on my Casting Couch.
#1 Contender to the United States Championship
James Freedom vs. Jonny Cedrone vs. Jessie Lee vs. Brandon Leno
Winner: James Freedom
Reason: Hey, I know what it takes to lead a successful campaign and approve of James Freedom and his message. USA, little brother. USA!
Craig Lewis: “I gotta say, Thad, you really put some thought into these predictions.”
TFK: “The best part, Craig… They’re not simply predictions, they are SPOILER ALERTS. I’m like a freakin’ fortune teller here and it was drug induced. Read the room, is what they say and you can figure out the writing on the wall.”
Craig Lewis: “Not everyone has that eye, Thad…”
TFK: “And that’s the problem… The Direction of Action Wrestling is needed and I will give the AW Universe the picture they are in desperate need of! Stay tuned for a very special Casting Couch coming soon to a screen near you!
Craig Lewis: “Thanks for joining us on our very first Action Wrestling Spoiler Alert with your host TFK and I am… Um hmm… (Theatrical Voice) CRAIG LEWIS!
TFK: “HIT THE MUSIC, STAGE MONKEYS!”
Moves Like Jagger from Maroon 5 starts to play and TFK starts to dance his way to the live studio audience who joins in awkwardly. As we fade out to black.