From The Action Wrestling Network A.K.A. Background info
Jun 3, 2018 17:05:02 GMT -5
T.F.K. and Bonnie Blue like this
Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2018 17:05:02 GMT -5
As part of their promotion for the upcoming biggest pay per view in AW history, Evolution, the Action Wrestling Network has been showcasing some matches in order to hype the ppv. Due to the fact Action Wrestling owns footage of UCI shows as well as I believe New Blood Wrestling shows they have a lot of footage to choose from. As a result of Pauly Shore making his wrestling debut, as well as the Hell in Cell match and the ladder UCI title match they recently broadcast a special called "Most Extreme Matches". This Hollywood Death Match between Alex Richards and "Evil" Paul Rudd as well as the proceeding angle was part of it.
Courtesy UCI Summermania 7-31-17
The Hype
The scene fades in to what appears to be a studio. Three are three chairs. The two of the ends are empty. The middle one houses UCI announcer, decorated trainer, and retired wrestler Sebastian Reid who is wearing a well tailor suit, his trademark sunglasses, and a confident expression on his face.
Sebastian Reid: When Spencer Adams scheduled a special face to face interview between Alex Richards and his arch rival, the man who allegedly killed him and his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch several months ago, Paul Rudd, they knew they needed a strong force to take control. I mean, they needed a legitimate bad ass to keep law and order during this interview. In short there was only one man for the job.
The scene cuts to quick interviews from Alex Richards and Paul Rudd.
Alex Richards: If I walk into that room and I see Gravedigger I'm pooping that son of a bitch right in the jaw. After what he's been saying all year about me.. and about the Guardians...
Evil Paul Rudd: I'm hoping they send Jimmy Garcia. I really think I can make him scream. That would be a lot of fun.
Sebastian Reid: You know what? Fuck you both! I'm getting paid a lot of money to host this anyways!
There was a song here but due to it being from another promotion the music rights were lost so some stock rock type music plays
Hit that theme music as we see highlights of confrontations between Richards and Rudd. We see Alex koing Paul at the cafe and stealing Rebecca away. we see Paul Rudd revealing his true nature during the roast, we see Paul putting together a cult and kidnapping Rebecca, only to have Alex save the day. We see Paul Rudd shoot Rebecca in the head, then dump Alex in the toxic dunk tank, we see Alex appear out of nowhere to attack Rudd at the conclusion of his match with David Sanchez, followed by Paul attempting to hang Alex, we see him kdinap Rebecca again then try to force her to choose him over Alex. We see Rebecca kick him in the balls and ran to Alex. We see last week Paul Rudd use Petrov and a baseball bat to lay a beating on Richards. Lots of history.
Alex Richards and “Evil” Paul Rudd enter the set. Both screaming at each other from across the room. Sebastian Reid stands in and gets in between them attempting to defuse the situation at least a little. The two go nose to nose jawing. Until Paul Rudd backs off, and picks up a chair. He fires it at Richards. The King of Mass Confusion knocks it aside with one meaty forearm and snarls back at Rudd.
Alex Richards: I can't wait to get you in the ring at Beachmania!
Paul smiles, picking up the chair and sitting down.
Evil Paul Rudd: But that's the thing Alex. You aren't getting me in the ring. That match you saw two weeks ago. That was merely a B Movie Hollywood Death Match. For the real thing you travel to Hollywood, to my turf. You step onto my steps.. under my rules.
Alex Richards: Save it. Fuck it. I don't give a shit. I would fight you on Mars. Literally on Mars. Because I don't care what you throw in front of me I will end this.
Evil Paul Rudd: Who's going to end who Alex? I vowed for months I was going to destroy you. I was going to have my revenge. And finally.. I got the perfect time, the perfect opportunity. And I fucking snuffed you out.. you and your fucking girlfriend!
As if on cue, a video feed from elsewhere into the building appears. Where the gothic looking Rebecca Thatch appears in all her glory.
Rebecca Thatch: Yeah about that. I am so confident that Alex is going to destroy you that I'm going to be there, live and in person. See.. since I got my eyesight back, I've been a bit of a voyeur. I like to watch. And I'm going to enjoy watching this.
Sebastian Reid: I hate to butt in. But I'm not sure if being there is going to be a benefit to Alex.
Evil Paul Rudd: See! There is someone smart in the building! It's going to be a benefit.. to me! I'm going to get two for the price of one! I'm going to finally get to end Alex Richards.. then I can cease his girlfriend's breathing as well!
Alex Richards: Not going to happen. You had your chance. Before I didn't really think you were capable of murder. I didn't really think you were that evil. Now I know better. Last week, you almost destroyed me, you almost destroyed my family. The Guardians haven't been the same since. You exposed the Guardians to evil. You corrupted them. I don't blame my tag team partner Bonnie Blue for the path she chose. I blame you!
Evil Paul Rudd: I still don't fucking know how you survived last time.. but I know you won't survive my Hollywood Death Match this time! You or your girlfriend.
Alex Richards: You keep mentioning Becky. Keep her name out of your mouth. You don't deserve to even speak about her.
Evil Paul Rudd: Why not? This whole thing is her fucking fault. If she wouldn't have picked you over me. The handsome movie star! I never would have gone evil. And you know what they say.. once you go evil.. you never go back.
Alex Richards: Bullshit. You were always evil. Before I came along you used Becky. You used her disability to help your own career. That might not be take over the world evil but it's still pretty damn evil. The Guardians are a group dedicated to fighting against evil. I will always fight against evil. In their honor.. I will fight against you.
Evil Paul Rudd: And you'll fucking lose! The Society, Donald Trump, Jihadists... the world is fucking filled with evil! Because the people with the money buy the most toys, buy the best mercanaries. Evil fucking wins! That good always winning in the end shit... that's nothing but a fairy tale. You may look like the troll under the bridge Alex, but you haven't the heart of evil! You aren't nearly as devious as I am!
Sebastian Reid: Speaking of which, many people were surprised to see Petrov come to your aid last week. Do you have any other surprises in store for this week's match?
Evil Paul Rudd: Of course I do! Do you really think I would have challenged Alex Richards if I didn't have a plan for his destruction?
Alex Richards: You had a plan for my destruction last time. It didn't work out. But it cost me. It cost the Guardians. It cost Rebecca. Well no fucking more. Not this fucking time. You think you have everything covered don't you? You think you have everything all plotted out. You're not the first man who thought that. Who counted out Alex Richards. You ain't gonna see me drinking Zim-Quila and cracking jokes this week. No, this is about damage control. I make sure you can never hurt me or someone I care about ever again.
Evil Paul Rudd: Please? Who did I really hurt? The Guardians are better then ever now that they joined forced with the Beach Krew. They should thank me for getting rid of the dead weight, you. As for Rebecca, the world wasn't gonna miss one blind chick anyways.
Alex Richards: You son of..
Alex launches out of his chair towards Paul who leaps out of the path of the charging super heavyweight. A shit eating grin on his face.
Evil Paul Rudd: After this match there will be mourners... the owners of Chinese Buffets all over the United States will despair.. having lost their best customer.
Alex Richards: Yeah? Well who's going to mourn you? Who's going to miss you? Becky is willing to put herself in danger in order to support me during the match. Do you see anyone wanting to do that for you, Paul? Who loves you?
Evil Paul Rudd: I have a wife.. you fucking moron.
Alex Richards: Yeah you do. But it's a sham marriage and everyone knows it. It's for appearances.. just like everything you do.
Evil Paul Rudd: Fuck off Richards.
Alex Richards: You didn't like that did you? You didn't know I knew that did you? Last week I had a plan. But you trumped me. I didn't see Petrov coming. I didn't expect that. But you tipped your hand Paul. You showed me what you had planned. You showed me what you were willing to do to get the advantage. I've seen what a UCI without Alex Richards looks like. I won't allow it to happen again.
Evil Paul Rudd: You aren't going to have a choice. I'm tearing my way through wrestlers from Chicago simply because it's your home town. I sent the mayor David Sanchez back with his tail between his tails, I broke the arm and ended the career of that loser Rose last week. Maybe next week I'll tear a few pieces out of Cheyenne. Then I can add a few new nicknames, “The Scourge of Chicago” and the Man Who Ended Alex Richards Life... again!
The scene fades out..
Seemingly..
But then it doesn't.. instead it fades to Sebastian Reid.
Sebastian Reid: I know.. I didn't get to talk nearly as much as I wanted to. Those guys just didn't let me get in a word edgewise. Can't really blame them with the obvious hatred between them. It was all I could do to stop them from starting their death match a few days early. But when it ended I knew there was something more to the story. So I dispatched a cameraman to follow Alex. And we shot this footage from the Drunken Dragon.
The scene fades in to a dimly lit, obviously closed bar where Alex Richards is talking quietly with his brother Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: I need you to do something for me Shaun.
SZR: What? You're not calling me Zach like you usually do.
Alex Richards: No Shaun this is deadly serious. I need you to do me a favor.
SZR: Sure anything.
Alex Richards: I need you to follow me to Hollywood. I need you to watch the match.
SZR: I would have done that anyways.
Alex Richards: That's not the important part. If I get in trouble, and I mean serious trouble, I need you to grab Rebecca and get her out of there before the match is over.
SZR: But you're not going to get in serious trouble.
Alex Richards: Promise me Shaun.
SZR: Alright, alright. I promise.
Alex Richards: Thanks bro.
SZR: But I don't get..
Alex Richards: You gotta have a back up plan Shaun. I'm not letting him get Becky. I'm not giving him the satisfication of getting all of us at once.
SZR: So you think you're going to lose?
Alex Richards: I think this is going to go exactly as it's supposed to.
SZR: What does that mean?
Alex pats his brother on the shoulder, gives him a hug and walks from the bar.
The Match!
Hollywood Deathmatch
“Evil” Paul Rudd vs. Alex Richards
Gravedigger: Up next is the greatest mistake Alex Richards has ever made, signing to face Evil Paul Rudd in his own match, the Hollywood Death Match.
Jimmy Garcia: Alex Richards is a former world champion. An early legendary UCI performer. Throughout his year in the UCI it's been shown time and time again. You don't want to face an angry Alex Richards. And after what Paul Rudd has done to him for months on end, I don't know if I've ever seen Alex this angry.
Sebastian Reid: Normally I would agree with that. But after seeing the way Alex begging for his brother to make sure his girlfriend doesn't get hurt tonight. I'm not sure.
Gravedigger: Why is Alex letting Rebecca come anyways? That's almost as stupid as signing this match in the first place! Let's go to the live feed from Hollywood and we'll see what Alex has gotten himself into.
Sebastian Reid: The only rules we know are.. pinfalls and submissions only count if the victor decides to allow the match to end. Otherwise death is the only way to finish the fight. Besides that your guess is as good as mine.
Gravedigger: Gentlemen.. we are about to witness the end of a Guardian.
Alex Richards consults a piece of paper and mutters.
Alex Richards: Where the fuck is Rudd. This is where I'm supposed to meet him. I swear if he chickened out.
Alex looks around and is immediately blindsided with a diving clothesline by Paul Rudd from the golf cart he was driving.
Evil Paul Rudd: You stupid idiot! You dare face me in my fucking match! You don't know shit. You don't have anything about what I have planned for you!
Paul slams Alex's head into the side of what appears to be a metal sound stage. He opens the door and tosses Alex inside.
Revealing what appears to be the set of Paul Rudd's Hollywood Death Match. There are weapons everywhere. There are several rows of steel folding chairs, as well as a regal looking throne with Rebecca's name over top of it. There is a wrestling ring towards the back of the room, and a stage at the front.
Alex fights back connecting with a series of hard punches rocking Paul Rudd. He picks him up and slams him on the floor before tossing him right onto the stage.
Evil Paul Rudd: Stagehand! A little help please!
Alex snap suplexes Rudd on the stage then begins to garvin stomp him hard.. the wooden stage creaking each time Alex stomps. Until a stagehand dressed in black sneaks onto the stage, tasering Alex Richards right in the small of the back.
Jimmy Garcia: This is a set up!
Evil Paul Rudd gets up kneeing Alex several times in the back.
Evil Paul Rudd: Did I forget to mention the best part? This is my stage Alex! My production! You know what that means? That means I have my own stagehands.. my own production assistants! And they do anything I want! Anything.. I mean if I say.. hey.. bring me a piano!
Two stagehands come out from backstage pushing a piano.
Evil Paul Rudd: Thank you.
Paul blasts Alex with the piano bench.. then drags him on top of the piano.. and quickly executes a piledriver.
Evil Paul Rudd: You just have to tune it properly.
Paul kicks Alex in the ribs a few times then walks off the stage, returning with a toolbox. He opens it up and pulls out a pair of pliers. He kneels on Alex's wrists, grinning evilly.
Evil Paul Rudd: This should take you back a few months. Now which nail should I pull?
The door creeks open.. then the lights go out and we hear Rebecca Thatch's voice in the darkness.
Rebecca Thatch: Sorry I'm late. Don't worry.. I'm used to the low light, I can navigate in the darkness just fine.
Evil Paul Rudd: Turn the fucking lights back on!
The lights return only to have Alex Richards standing beside Rudd now holding a kendo stick, a sick grin on his face.
Alex Richards: Thanks for the gift Becky. I'm sure Paul is gonna get lots of enjoyment out of it.
Alex blasts Paul with a hard kendo stick shot! Then another one! Finally he wraps the stick around Rudd's throat and breaks it by russian leg sweeping Rudd on the stage. Meanwhile Rebecca is making her way into the empty sea of chairs. She looks at throne and shakes her head.
Rebecca Thatch: If Paul Rudd left that for me... I don't want it.
She promptly sits down in a metal chair.
Gravedigger: See? Paul Rudd knows how to treat a lady! She's so ungrateful. Wow! Belly to belly suplex right off the stage onto the floor! Alex spots the discarded pillars.
Alex Richards: You were right.. I do know how much this hurts. Which is why this is going to be so much fun.
Alex grabs Rudd's hand.. and immediately rips out his thumb nail.
Alex Richards: This is going to save you tons of time on those manicures!
Paul meanwhile reaches into his signet pulls out his trademark handful of powder and tosses it right into Alex's eyes! Rudd grabs the pillars.. then tosses them aside.. reaching into the tool box and pulling out his wrench.
Evil Paul Rudd: Oh... I missed you.
Alex swings wildly still blinded by the powder only to eat a vicious shot to the knee with the wrench!
Gravedigger: Yes yes! This wrench lead to victory for Paul Rudd over David Sanchez! It surely is going to lead to a victory again tonight! Yes.. look at that... figure four leglock!
Evil Paul Rudd: Get me a referee!
A referee runs in from the backstage area.
Jimmy Garcia: That is new UCI official Jerry Tucker. He just graduated referee school and surely is going to have a long and distinguished career in the UCI.
Sebastian Reid: Jimmy.. having background information on the refs makes you seem really nerdy. And in a bad I want to smack you kind of way.
Evil Paul Rudd: Give it up! Give it up!
Alex Richards: If I did give up would you let the match finish?
Evil Paul Rudd: No.. I just want the satisfaction of making you quit!
Alex Richards: Well in that case..
Alex turns the figure four over applying the pressure to Paul Rudd. Rudd quickly releases the hold and grabs his wrench again swinging for the head of Alex Richards... who rolls just barely out of the way. He takes a second swing and barely misses again. Alex rolls towards the ring dodging a third and fourth shot. But finally eating a shot to the ribs as he tried to slide into the ring.
Evil Paul Rudd: I mean you would feel more comfortable in there. All the better to trap you!
Paul whips Alex off of the ropes and clotheslines him with the assistance of his wench. Alex collapses bleeding heavily from his nose. He makes a cover.
1..
2..
kick out!
Jimmy Garcia: That could have shattered Alex's jaw there. What a vicious move.
Paul decides to go to the corner and removes all three turnbuckle pads. Alex gets up only to eat a drop toe hold onto the bottom steel bolt!
Gravedigger: That was brilliant! Paul Rudd isn't done though! He's got his trusty wrench and he's going to the top rope. Alex's face is positioned right on the bolt.. he's going to somehow make Alex's face even uglier!
Paul leaps swinging the wrench for basically a brutal version of a double ax handle. Only to have Alex rolls out of the way. The wrench connects with the bottom bolt and flies back nailing Paul right in the face busting him wide open!
Alex Richards: Are you bleeding? Are you hurting? Not nearly fucking enough! I'm going to fucking ruin those movie star good looks of yours! Make you look as ugly as you are!
Gravedigger: No! Don't do that!
Alex german suplexes Rudd right into the exposed steel corner nearly knocking the actor unconscious. He drags him to the middle of the ring and applies the crippler crossface while at the same time rubbing Rudd's bloody face into the mat.
Evil Paul Rudd: Jobbers! Jobbers!
The Wambulance hits the ring stomping away on Alex while screaming like he's an actual ambulance. He is followed by Eric Draven who delivers a few brooding kicks.
Jimmy Garcia: Why are these guys involved in this match! They don't belong here!
Sebastian Reid: It's no disqualification. Hiring some help isn't illegal. Although he probably should have hired better help.
The Wambulance is choking Alex with a stereoscope while Eric Draven throws some of those karate chops that would make a 6th grader jealous. They decide to whip Richards off the ropes and go for a double backdrop. Alex stops smashes the Wambulance with a superkick then sambo suplexes Eric Draven. He grabs Draven and choke tosses him far far out of the ring right into the throne that Paul had made specially for Rebecca.. sparks fly as Eric finds himself in what appears to be an electric chair!
Jimmy Garcia: There's one of Paul Rudd's plans that have backfired!
Alex picks up the man dressed as an ambulance and nails him with the spiked samoan punch knocking him from the ring. Only to have Hardcore McMurderkill nail him in the spine with a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat!
Gravedigger: Yes Yes! Hardcore McMurderkill comes through for Rudd! He's going to DDT Alex on that bat... Nooooooo!
Sebastian Reid: Alex countered with a hard spinebuster! So much for the murder man. But that gave Paul his opening. Backstabber from behind is blocked with a mule kick to the crotch. Vicious headbutt sends Paul Rudd flying!
Paul staggers to his feet as Alex lifts him up into his press slam. Alex press slams Paul Rudd over his head, walking around the ring.. then finally disposing him hard on the cement floor!
Jimmy Garcia: No padding out there tonight! Paul Rudd hit with a sickening thud on the concrete!
Gravedigger: That is no way to treat a great actor.. a national treasure such as Evil Paul Rudd!
Alex rolls out of the ring, seeming to go after Rudd, but instead he lifts up the ring skirt looking underneath.
Alex Richards: I knew it! Every single ring I have ever been in had one of those! It looks like one of us are in luck.
And with that Alex pulls out a press table and quickly sets it up. Paul Rudd staggers to his feet, blood leaking from the back of his head.
Alex Richards: That's gonna leave a nasty hangover isn't it. A Zim-Quila Hangover!
Paul grabs Rudd by the throat.. lifting him up for the chokeslam.. but before he can fall backwards with the move he is met with a vicious big boot to the skull by Petrov 2.0!
Gravedigger: Notice that Petrov didn't need to be called like those jobbers earlier? Petrov knew when he was needed and he just destroyed Alex Richards!
Alex lays on the hard cement and looks up at Petrov.
Alex Richards: Betty Adams deserved better than you.
Petrov: 2.0: Fuck you! You die now!
Rebecca Thatch from her seat in the crowd shrieks in agony as Petrov lifts up Richards for the powerbomb, while Evil Paul Rudd shouts Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You over and over again in Alex's ear. Petrov delivers the powerbomb with the styles clash ending through the table!
Jimmy Garcia: Holy shit!
Sebastian Reid: Alex Richards is not getting up after that.
Evil Paul Rudd gives Petrov a high five, the soviet superman, barely masking his contempt for it. Then he makes the pin on Alex.
1..
2...
3!
Evil Paul Rudd: I don't think he's had enough. He's still twitching.
Sebastian Reid: I assure you.. that leg twitch is involuntary. The King of Mass Confusion is out to the world after that brutal version of the Fuck You! Who could possibly get up after that?
Evil Paul Rudd: I enjoyed that Fuck You so much I want to see it again. Only better! Minions... I want two tables!
Paul's assistants come out carrying two tables which they place beside each other.
Evil Paul Rudd: No.. you idiots. It's so hard to find good help. Like this..
Paul stacks the tables on top of each other. Then he comes back with a bottle of lighter fluid and a blow torch. Petrov meanwhile is setting up what appears to be a 20 foot ladder. He lifts up the massive 300 pound Richards and flungs his dead wieght over his shoulder and begins to climb the ladder.
Jimmy Garcia: I wish someone could stop this match. Alex is defenseless already!
Gravedigger: I can't wait until someone makes a gif of this so |I can watch Alex get destroyed over and over on my iPhone. He never should have fucked with Paul Rudd.
Evil Paul Rudd: Wait.. wait..
Paul dumps the fluid over both tables.. then uses the torch igniting them.
Evil Paul Rudd: Now.. fucking burn him!
Petrov sits on the top of the ladder.. positioning Alex's dead weight in between his legs for the powerbomb.. He yells out Fuck You! Only to have Alex come to life and backdrop Petrov landing him on top of the table which bends but does not break.
Alex Richards: No... Fuck you!
Alex launches himself backwards off the top of the ladder leaping onto Petrov with a brutal King-Quila bomb.. the force driving Petrov through both flaming tables!
Sebastian Reid: Oh my god that was brutal!
Alex Richards rolls free clutching his ribs. Petrov does not move. As the door opens and someone makes their move. Elvira rushes into the room, grabs Petrov by the ankles and starts dragging him towards the exit.
Elvira: What? A girl's got needs. He does have a cock like a tree trunk after all.
Alex Richards struggles to his feet, only to have Paul Rudd jump him from behind with the back stabber.. into the rear naked choke!
Gravedigger: I love it! Paul Rudd was lying in wait. If Petrov didn't finish Alex off he was going to do it himself with the Evil Accolades! Nobody has ever broken this move.
Alex tries to fight his way out with desperation punches to the face of Rudd but reaching behind yourself and blindly punching isn't particularly effective. Alex begins to turn a deeper shade of red as Paul continues to pour on the pressure.
Evil Paul Rudd: I just want to let you know Alex.. after I finished choking the life out of you.. I'm going to do the same thing to Rebecca. You think if I apply the same amount of pressure I'm giving you I can snap her neck? What do you think Alex?
Sebastian Reid: That may not have been the right thing to say. It appears it gave Alex some extra energy as the big man is clawing at the hands around his throat.
Jimmy Garcia: He can't break the grip though. Alex Richards is... climbing to his feet with Paul Rudd on his back!
Gravedigger: You guys don't know what you're talking about. Winning the psychological war is even sweeter than winning the psychical one.
Alex Richards, unable to break the hold begins slowly climbing the ladder.
Sebastian Reid: This can not be a good idea.
Jimmy Garcia: This is a horrible idea.
Gravedigger: This is a great idea! Ever see someone pass out on a ladder? It's on my bucket list!
Paul Rudd holds tight as Alex begins to turn blue. Finally in desperation he flings himself backwards... right in the direction of the ring steps! The steps are flattened as Paul Rudd is crushed against them by the mass of Alex Richards!
Gravedigger: That's not fair! He had this won!
Sebastian Reid: Alex had a plan after all. He knew exactly where he was and used those steps to absolutely annihilate Paul Rudd. He is not getting up after that.
Jimmy Garcia: All Alex has to do is pin him here.
Gravedigger: Alex isn't in much better shape then Rudd.
Jimmy Garcia: Would you look at the blood pouring from Rudd?
Sebastian Reid: You sound like a low rent macabre version of Dr. Seuss.
Alex crawls away from the ring steps on his hands and knees and barks in an even harsher voice than usual.
Alex Richards: Hey stooges... get me a chain saw!
Sebastian Reid: Oh no.
The assistants, being employed by Paul Rudd don't do anything.
Alex Richards: Stooges.. get me a chainsaw! I'm telling you.. if I have to go back there... I'm going to destroy each and every one of you until I find my chainsaw.. What I'm saying is.. get me a fucking chainsaw!
One of the assistants come out carrying a chainsaw. They drop it next to Alex then sprint towards backstage. Alex slowly, gets up, using the chainsaw as a sort of makeshift crutch. He grabs Rudd with his free hand and sits him up as much as he can on what's left of the stairs. He places the chainsaw against Paul's jaw and..
Alex Richards: You give it up Rudd?
Evil Paul Rudd: Not a chance you obese troll!
Alex Richards: I was hoping you'd say that.
Alex fires up the chainsaw and Paul immediately begins waving his arms.
Sebastian Reid: It's amazing how much energy you suddenly have when someone comes at you with a chainsaw.
Evil Paul Rudd: Wait Wait Wait!
Alex Richards: I knew you'd quit.
Evil Paul Rudd: No... I'm not quitting. I want a last prayer.
Alex Richards: Yeah... right. I'm not falling for that.
Evil Paul Rudd: A last prayer.. to the flying spaghetti monster! As a devout Pastafarian you have to grant me that request!
Alex sighs.
Alex Richards: You have ten seconds.
Jimmy Garcia: Alex Richards.. showing some mercy.
Gravedigger: He doesn't have the killer instinct!
Sebastian Reid: We know that isn't true!
Paul drops to his knees.. bends over.. then unleashes Hell on Alex Richards launching a massive fireball directly into his face. This engulfs Alex's beard in flames. The big man stops, drops, and rolls.
Gravedigger: I knew it! There is no quit in Evil Paul Rudd! He suckered Alex Richards in and the big dummy fell for it!
Evil Paul staggers around looking for the closest weapon.. a metal shovel wrapped in barbed wire. He blasts Alex in the head of it with it! He blasts him in the back of the head again. He blasts him in the skull one more time in order to make sure.
Jimmy Garcia: Who on earth wraps a shovel in barbed wire? Why does a shovel need something extra to be used as a weapon?
Sebastian Reid: You got me there Jimmy but I have to say.. that thing really ripped up Alex's head as well as seemingly knocking him out, perhaps for good.
Evil Paul Rudd: It's time for the Grand Finale!
Gravedigger: And as if on cue. Actually definitely on cue some of those overpaid stage hands come in wheeling... ohh.. this should be good. Look at the glee in Paul Rudd's eyes as they wheel in that dunk tank.
Evil Paul Rudd: Last time I dunked you in there you weren't seen for months Alex. This time.. let's make your death permanent? You remember the way that lye dissolved your body? But you came back last time. I guess we need a quick test to make sure this time will be fatal.
Paul Rudd quick grabs the referee! The man screams as Paul boots him in the gut and DDTs him! He screams again as he hits the lye as Paul hoists him up and tosses him in the tank. The man scrambles as his body begins to dissolve turning the “water” red.
Evil Paul Rudd: Perfect! Backup referee!
A second, very nervous looking official tentatively approaches.
Jimmy Garcia: This is bad. We aren't going to show this on pay per view are we?
Gravedigger: Shut up your pussy! Live death equals ratings!
Sebastian Reid: That is technically true. But I don't think anyone wants to see it.
Paul picks Alex up.. and the door of the studio swings open. Shaun Zach Richards sprints towards the door grabbing Rebecca Thatch by the hand.
SZR: C'mon Rebecca.. we have to go.. NOW!
Evil Paul Rudd: Oh no.. you fucking don't!
Evil Paul nails the tribute to the oscars superkick to Shaun's groin! Then tosses him right into a row of the steel chairs.
Evil Paul Rudd: Sit the fuck down! Both of you! You get to witness this! You get to witness history! Nobody is going to be able to stop this.
Paul Rudd strains, and heaves then finally..
Evil Paul Rudd: Stagehands! Would you fucking help me already?
Two stagehands come over and help Rudd hoist Alex up in the air.. going dangerously close to the lye.
Gravedigger: It's over! It's finally over! We finally get rid of one of the Guardians.
Jimmy Garcia: You are sick Gravedigger.
Gravedigger: Think I can ask Paul to borrow some of that lye for my favorite announcer?
Suddenly the far wall of the sound stage buckles as a white van with the words “Free Candy” in blood red letters on the side crashes through the wall.
Evil Paul Rudd: Oh! What the fuck now? You have got to be fucking kidding me!
Evil Paul drops Alex and rips over the door of the van.. pulling out the driver... the older version of Alex Richards from the future, the one with the long flowing black hair steps out. Paul immediately rips off the hubcap smashes older Alex in the face with it.. then piledrives him on the hub cap.
Evil Paul Rudd: That was your fucking plan, Alex? That was your fucking trump card? You're such a fucking failure Richards!
The passenger door opens and out hops... an alternative version of Paul Rudd.
Evil Paul Rudd: A fucking imposter? This is what you have for me.
Paul Rudd looks at Evil Paul coldly.
Paul Rudd: I'm not an imposter. Alex brought me here because you're disgracing my name in this universe.
Evil Paul Rudd: Disgrace your name? I'm fucking Ant Man bitch!
Paul Rudd: Yeah.. well I'm fucking Batman in my universe. Furthermore I won an Oscar for my performance in the Dark Knight. I'm not here to brag about things like in my world I'm a more respected actor then Al Pacino AND Robert Deniro combined. But actually I am here to do just that. Because when I heard about your evil deeds.. and about the fact you're proud of it. I had to come and tell you I have everything you ever wanted. I am the greatest actor of my generation, and Rebecca Thatch? In my universe she's my wife.
Evil Paul Rudd: Well big fucking deal! Let's see how much you enjoy it.. when you're fucking dead..
Evil Paul picks up the discarded chainsaw. He pulls the cord it doesn't start. He's about to pull it again when he is tapped on the shoulder... he turns and
Jimmy Garcia: Spear by Alex Richards right into the side of the van!
Gravedigger: Oh for fuck's sake! What does it take to keep this guy down?
Sebastian Reid: Paul had him but he got distracted and too full of himself. And look what's happening now.. Alex is dragging him onto the hood of the van. Now the top of the van. He positions Paul for a powerbomb.. and SANITY SLIP OFF THE TOP OF THE VAN TO THE CEMENT FLOOR! WOW!
Alex rolls over and covers Rudd. The replacement ref makes the count...
1...
2...
3!
Alex pulls himself to his feet, looking determined. He presses Paul over his head.. walking towards the dunk tank filled with lethal lye.
Alex Richards: I should throw you in there. You would do it to me. After what you do to me, to Becky to the Guardians.. you have it coming. But I'm not going to. You know why? Because I'm going to let you live with the knowledge that the love and respect you truly want. It's never going to come. And more importantly.. live with the knowledge that you failed BECAUSE you're evil. Or you know.. maybe I changed my mind..
Alex throws Paul Rudd with his last bit of strength.. javelin style right into the side of the dunk tank leaving him in a heap on the floor.
Alex Richards: This is over.
The referee raises Alex's hand.
Referee: Your winner of the Hollywood Death Match... Alex Richards!
Rebecca rushes over and embraces Alex. He slowly limps over towards his wounded brother, helping him up and whispering You did great into Shaun's ear. The trio help up the future version of Alex and load him into the van and drive off barely surviving the Hollywood Death Match.
Courtesy UCI Summermania 7-31-17
The Hype
The scene fades in to what appears to be a studio. Three are three chairs. The two of the ends are empty. The middle one houses UCI announcer, decorated trainer, and retired wrestler Sebastian Reid who is wearing a well tailor suit, his trademark sunglasses, and a confident expression on his face.
Sebastian Reid: When Spencer Adams scheduled a special face to face interview between Alex Richards and his arch rival, the man who allegedly killed him and his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch several months ago, Paul Rudd, they knew they needed a strong force to take control. I mean, they needed a legitimate bad ass to keep law and order during this interview. In short there was only one man for the job.
The scene cuts to quick interviews from Alex Richards and Paul Rudd.
Alex Richards: If I walk into that room and I see Gravedigger I'm pooping that son of a bitch right in the jaw. After what he's been saying all year about me.. and about the Guardians...
Evil Paul Rudd: I'm hoping they send Jimmy Garcia. I really think I can make him scream. That would be a lot of fun.
Sebastian Reid: You know what? Fuck you both! I'm getting paid a lot of money to host this anyways!
There was a song here but due to it being from another promotion the music rights were lost so some stock rock type music plays
Hit that theme music as we see highlights of confrontations between Richards and Rudd. We see Alex koing Paul at the cafe and stealing Rebecca away. we see Paul Rudd revealing his true nature during the roast, we see Paul putting together a cult and kidnapping Rebecca, only to have Alex save the day. We see Paul Rudd shoot Rebecca in the head, then dump Alex in the toxic dunk tank, we see Alex appear out of nowhere to attack Rudd at the conclusion of his match with David Sanchez, followed by Paul attempting to hang Alex, we see him kdinap Rebecca again then try to force her to choose him over Alex. We see Rebecca kick him in the balls and ran to Alex. We see last week Paul Rudd use Petrov and a baseball bat to lay a beating on Richards. Lots of history.
Alex Richards and “Evil” Paul Rudd enter the set. Both screaming at each other from across the room. Sebastian Reid stands in and gets in between them attempting to defuse the situation at least a little. The two go nose to nose jawing. Until Paul Rudd backs off, and picks up a chair. He fires it at Richards. The King of Mass Confusion knocks it aside with one meaty forearm and snarls back at Rudd.
Alex Richards: I can't wait to get you in the ring at Beachmania!
Paul smiles, picking up the chair and sitting down.
Evil Paul Rudd: But that's the thing Alex. You aren't getting me in the ring. That match you saw two weeks ago. That was merely a B Movie Hollywood Death Match. For the real thing you travel to Hollywood, to my turf. You step onto my steps.. under my rules.
Alex Richards: Save it. Fuck it. I don't give a shit. I would fight you on Mars. Literally on Mars. Because I don't care what you throw in front of me I will end this.
Evil Paul Rudd: Who's going to end who Alex? I vowed for months I was going to destroy you. I was going to have my revenge. And finally.. I got the perfect time, the perfect opportunity. And I fucking snuffed you out.. you and your fucking girlfriend!
As if on cue, a video feed from elsewhere into the building appears. Where the gothic looking Rebecca Thatch appears in all her glory.
Rebecca Thatch: Yeah about that. I am so confident that Alex is going to destroy you that I'm going to be there, live and in person. See.. since I got my eyesight back, I've been a bit of a voyeur. I like to watch. And I'm going to enjoy watching this.
Sebastian Reid: I hate to butt in. But I'm not sure if being there is going to be a benefit to Alex.
Evil Paul Rudd: See! There is someone smart in the building! It's going to be a benefit.. to me! I'm going to get two for the price of one! I'm going to finally get to end Alex Richards.. then I can cease his girlfriend's breathing as well!
Alex Richards: Not going to happen. You had your chance. Before I didn't really think you were capable of murder. I didn't really think you were that evil. Now I know better. Last week, you almost destroyed me, you almost destroyed my family. The Guardians haven't been the same since. You exposed the Guardians to evil. You corrupted them. I don't blame my tag team partner Bonnie Blue for the path she chose. I blame you!
Evil Paul Rudd: I still don't fucking know how you survived last time.. but I know you won't survive my Hollywood Death Match this time! You or your girlfriend.
Alex Richards: You keep mentioning Becky. Keep her name out of your mouth. You don't deserve to even speak about her.
Evil Paul Rudd: Why not? This whole thing is her fucking fault. If she wouldn't have picked you over me. The handsome movie star! I never would have gone evil. And you know what they say.. once you go evil.. you never go back.
Alex Richards: Bullshit. You were always evil. Before I came along you used Becky. You used her disability to help your own career. That might not be take over the world evil but it's still pretty damn evil. The Guardians are a group dedicated to fighting against evil. I will always fight against evil. In their honor.. I will fight against you.
Evil Paul Rudd: And you'll fucking lose! The Society, Donald Trump, Jihadists... the world is fucking filled with evil! Because the people with the money buy the most toys, buy the best mercanaries. Evil fucking wins! That good always winning in the end shit... that's nothing but a fairy tale. You may look like the troll under the bridge Alex, but you haven't the heart of evil! You aren't nearly as devious as I am!
Sebastian Reid: Speaking of which, many people were surprised to see Petrov come to your aid last week. Do you have any other surprises in store for this week's match?
Evil Paul Rudd: Of course I do! Do you really think I would have challenged Alex Richards if I didn't have a plan for his destruction?
Alex Richards: You had a plan for my destruction last time. It didn't work out. But it cost me. It cost the Guardians. It cost Rebecca. Well no fucking more. Not this fucking time. You think you have everything covered don't you? You think you have everything all plotted out. You're not the first man who thought that. Who counted out Alex Richards. You ain't gonna see me drinking Zim-Quila and cracking jokes this week. No, this is about damage control. I make sure you can never hurt me or someone I care about ever again.
Evil Paul Rudd: Please? Who did I really hurt? The Guardians are better then ever now that they joined forced with the Beach Krew. They should thank me for getting rid of the dead weight, you. As for Rebecca, the world wasn't gonna miss one blind chick anyways.
Alex Richards: You son of..
Alex launches out of his chair towards Paul who leaps out of the path of the charging super heavyweight. A shit eating grin on his face.
Evil Paul Rudd: After this match there will be mourners... the owners of Chinese Buffets all over the United States will despair.. having lost their best customer.
Alex Richards: Yeah? Well who's going to mourn you? Who's going to miss you? Becky is willing to put herself in danger in order to support me during the match. Do you see anyone wanting to do that for you, Paul? Who loves you?
Evil Paul Rudd: I have a wife.. you fucking moron.
Alex Richards: Yeah you do. But it's a sham marriage and everyone knows it. It's for appearances.. just like everything you do.
Evil Paul Rudd: Fuck off Richards.
Alex Richards: You didn't like that did you? You didn't know I knew that did you? Last week I had a plan. But you trumped me. I didn't see Petrov coming. I didn't expect that. But you tipped your hand Paul. You showed me what you had planned. You showed me what you were willing to do to get the advantage. I've seen what a UCI without Alex Richards looks like. I won't allow it to happen again.
Evil Paul Rudd: You aren't going to have a choice. I'm tearing my way through wrestlers from Chicago simply because it's your home town. I sent the mayor David Sanchez back with his tail between his tails, I broke the arm and ended the career of that loser Rose last week. Maybe next week I'll tear a few pieces out of Cheyenne. Then I can add a few new nicknames, “The Scourge of Chicago” and the Man Who Ended Alex Richards Life... again!
The scene fades out..
Seemingly..
But then it doesn't.. instead it fades to Sebastian Reid.
Sebastian Reid: I know.. I didn't get to talk nearly as much as I wanted to. Those guys just didn't let me get in a word edgewise. Can't really blame them with the obvious hatred between them. It was all I could do to stop them from starting their death match a few days early. But when it ended I knew there was something more to the story. So I dispatched a cameraman to follow Alex. And we shot this footage from the Drunken Dragon.
The scene fades in to a dimly lit, obviously closed bar where Alex Richards is talking quietly with his brother Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: I need you to do something for me Shaun.
SZR: What? You're not calling me Zach like you usually do.
Alex Richards: No Shaun this is deadly serious. I need you to do me a favor.
SZR: Sure anything.
Alex Richards: I need you to follow me to Hollywood. I need you to watch the match.
SZR: I would have done that anyways.
Alex Richards: That's not the important part. If I get in trouble, and I mean serious trouble, I need you to grab Rebecca and get her out of there before the match is over.
SZR: But you're not going to get in serious trouble.
Alex Richards: Promise me Shaun.
SZR: Alright, alright. I promise.
Alex Richards: Thanks bro.
SZR: But I don't get..
Alex Richards: You gotta have a back up plan Shaun. I'm not letting him get Becky. I'm not giving him the satisfication of getting all of us at once.
SZR: So you think you're going to lose?
Alex Richards: I think this is going to go exactly as it's supposed to.
SZR: What does that mean?
Alex pats his brother on the shoulder, gives him a hug and walks from the bar.
The Match!
Hollywood Deathmatch
“Evil” Paul Rudd vs. Alex Richards
Gravedigger: Up next is the greatest mistake Alex Richards has ever made, signing to face Evil Paul Rudd in his own match, the Hollywood Death Match.
Jimmy Garcia: Alex Richards is a former world champion. An early legendary UCI performer. Throughout his year in the UCI it's been shown time and time again. You don't want to face an angry Alex Richards. And after what Paul Rudd has done to him for months on end, I don't know if I've ever seen Alex this angry.
Sebastian Reid: Normally I would agree with that. But after seeing the way Alex begging for his brother to make sure his girlfriend doesn't get hurt tonight. I'm not sure.
Gravedigger: Why is Alex letting Rebecca come anyways? That's almost as stupid as signing this match in the first place! Let's go to the live feed from Hollywood and we'll see what Alex has gotten himself into.
Sebastian Reid: The only rules we know are.. pinfalls and submissions only count if the victor decides to allow the match to end. Otherwise death is the only way to finish the fight. Besides that your guess is as good as mine.
Gravedigger: Gentlemen.. we are about to witness the end of a Guardian.
Alex Richards consults a piece of paper and mutters.
Alex Richards: Where the fuck is Rudd. This is where I'm supposed to meet him. I swear if he chickened out.
Alex looks around and is immediately blindsided with a diving clothesline by Paul Rudd from the golf cart he was driving.
Evil Paul Rudd: You stupid idiot! You dare face me in my fucking match! You don't know shit. You don't have anything about what I have planned for you!
Paul slams Alex's head into the side of what appears to be a metal sound stage. He opens the door and tosses Alex inside.
Revealing what appears to be the set of Paul Rudd's Hollywood Death Match. There are weapons everywhere. There are several rows of steel folding chairs, as well as a regal looking throne with Rebecca's name over top of it. There is a wrestling ring towards the back of the room, and a stage at the front.
Alex fights back connecting with a series of hard punches rocking Paul Rudd. He picks him up and slams him on the floor before tossing him right onto the stage.
Evil Paul Rudd: Stagehand! A little help please!
Alex snap suplexes Rudd on the stage then begins to garvin stomp him hard.. the wooden stage creaking each time Alex stomps. Until a stagehand dressed in black sneaks onto the stage, tasering Alex Richards right in the small of the back.
Jimmy Garcia: This is a set up!
Evil Paul Rudd gets up kneeing Alex several times in the back.
Evil Paul Rudd: Did I forget to mention the best part? This is my stage Alex! My production! You know what that means? That means I have my own stagehands.. my own production assistants! And they do anything I want! Anything.. I mean if I say.. hey.. bring me a piano!
Two stagehands come out from backstage pushing a piano.
Evil Paul Rudd: Thank you.
Paul blasts Alex with the piano bench.. then drags him on top of the piano.. and quickly executes a piledriver.
Evil Paul Rudd: You just have to tune it properly.
Paul kicks Alex in the ribs a few times then walks off the stage, returning with a toolbox. He opens it up and pulls out a pair of pliers. He kneels on Alex's wrists, grinning evilly.
Evil Paul Rudd: This should take you back a few months. Now which nail should I pull?
The door creeks open.. then the lights go out and we hear Rebecca Thatch's voice in the darkness.
Rebecca Thatch: Sorry I'm late. Don't worry.. I'm used to the low light, I can navigate in the darkness just fine.
Evil Paul Rudd: Turn the fucking lights back on!
The lights return only to have Alex Richards standing beside Rudd now holding a kendo stick, a sick grin on his face.
Alex Richards: Thanks for the gift Becky. I'm sure Paul is gonna get lots of enjoyment out of it.
Alex blasts Paul with a hard kendo stick shot! Then another one! Finally he wraps the stick around Rudd's throat and breaks it by russian leg sweeping Rudd on the stage. Meanwhile Rebecca is making her way into the empty sea of chairs. She looks at throne and shakes her head.
Rebecca Thatch: If Paul Rudd left that for me... I don't want it.
She promptly sits down in a metal chair.
Gravedigger: See? Paul Rudd knows how to treat a lady! She's so ungrateful. Wow! Belly to belly suplex right off the stage onto the floor! Alex spots the discarded pillars.
Alex Richards: You were right.. I do know how much this hurts. Which is why this is going to be so much fun.
Alex grabs Rudd's hand.. and immediately rips out his thumb nail.
Alex Richards: This is going to save you tons of time on those manicures!
Paul meanwhile reaches into his signet pulls out his trademark handful of powder and tosses it right into Alex's eyes! Rudd grabs the pillars.. then tosses them aside.. reaching into the tool box and pulling out his wrench.
Evil Paul Rudd: Oh... I missed you.
Alex swings wildly still blinded by the powder only to eat a vicious shot to the knee with the wrench!
Gravedigger: Yes yes! This wrench lead to victory for Paul Rudd over David Sanchez! It surely is going to lead to a victory again tonight! Yes.. look at that... figure four leglock!
Evil Paul Rudd: Get me a referee!
A referee runs in from the backstage area.
Jimmy Garcia: That is new UCI official Jerry Tucker. He just graduated referee school and surely is going to have a long and distinguished career in the UCI.
Sebastian Reid: Jimmy.. having background information on the refs makes you seem really nerdy. And in a bad I want to smack you kind of way.
Evil Paul Rudd: Give it up! Give it up!
Alex Richards: If I did give up would you let the match finish?
Evil Paul Rudd: No.. I just want the satisfaction of making you quit!
Alex Richards: Well in that case..
Alex turns the figure four over applying the pressure to Paul Rudd. Rudd quickly releases the hold and grabs his wrench again swinging for the head of Alex Richards... who rolls just barely out of the way. He takes a second swing and barely misses again. Alex rolls towards the ring dodging a third and fourth shot. But finally eating a shot to the ribs as he tried to slide into the ring.
Evil Paul Rudd: I mean you would feel more comfortable in there. All the better to trap you!
Paul whips Alex off of the ropes and clotheslines him with the assistance of his wench. Alex collapses bleeding heavily from his nose. He makes a cover.
1..
2..
kick out!
Jimmy Garcia: That could have shattered Alex's jaw there. What a vicious move.
Paul decides to go to the corner and removes all three turnbuckle pads. Alex gets up only to eat a drop toe hold onto the bottom steel bolt!
Gravedigger: That was brilliant! Paul Rudd isn't done though! He's got his trusty wrench and he's going to the top rope. Alex's face is positioned right on the bolt.. he's going to somehow make Alex's face even uglier!
Paul leaps swinging the wrench for basically a brutal version of a double ax handle. Only to have Alex rolls out of the way. The wrench connects with the bottom bolt and flies back nailing Paul right in the face busting him wide open!
Alex Richards: Are you bleeding? Are you hurting? Not nearly fucking enough! I'm going to fucking ruin those movie star good looks of yours! Make you look as ugly as you are!
Gravedigger: No! Don't do that!
Alex german suplexes Rudd right into the exposed steel corner nearly knocking the actor unconscious. He drags him to the middle of the ring and applies the crippler crossface while at the same time rubbing Rudd's bloody face into the mat.
Evil Paul Rudd: Jobbers! Jobbers!
The Wambulance hits the ring stomping away on Alex while screaming like he's an actual ambulance. He is followed by Eric Draven who delivers a few brooding kicks.
Jimmy Garcia: Why are these guys involved in this match! They don't belong here!
Sebastian Reid: It's no disqualification. Hiring some help isn't illegal. Although he probably should have hired better help.
The Wambulance is choking Alex with a stereoscope while Eric Draven throws some of those karate chops that would make a 6th grader jealous. They decide to whip Richards off the ropes and go for a double backdrop. Alex stops smashes the Wambulance with a superkick then sambo suplexes Eric Draven. He grabs Draven and choke tosses him far far out of the ring right into the throne that Paul had made specially for Rebecca.. sparks fly as Eric finds himself in what appears to be an electric chair!
Jimmy Garcia: There's one of Paul Rudd's plans that have backfired!
Alex picks up the man dressed as an ambulance and nails him with the spiked samoan punch knocking him from the ring. Only to have Hardcore McMurderkill nail him in the spine with a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat!
Gravedigger: Yes Yes! Hardcore McMurderkill comes through for Rudd! He's going to DDT Alex on that bat... Nooooooo!
Sebastian Reid: Alex countered with a hard spinebuster! So much for the murder man. But that gave Paul his opening. Backstabber from behind is blocked with a mule kick to the crotch. Vicious headbutt sends Paul Rudd flying!
Paul staggers to his feet as Alex lifts him up into his press slam. Alex press slams Paul Rudd over his head, walking around the ring.. then finally disposing him hard on the cement floor!
Jimmy Garcia: No padding out there tonight! Paul Rudd hit with a sickening thud on the concrete!
Gravedigger: That is no way to treat a great actor.. a national treasure such as Evil Paul Rudd!
Alex rolls out of the ring, seeming to go after Rudd, but instead he lifts up the ring skirt looking underneath.
Alex Richards: I knew it! Every single ring I have ever been in had one of those! It looks like one of us are in luck.
And with that Alex pulls out a press table and quickly sets it up. Paul Rudd staggers to his feet, blood leaking from the back of his head.
Alex Richards: That's gonna leave a nasty hangover isn't it. A Zim-Quila Hangover!
Paul grabs Rudd by the throat.. lifting him up for the chokeslam.. but before he can fall backwards with the move he is met with a vicious big boot to the skull by Petrov 2.0!
Gravedigger: Notice that Petrov didn't need to be called like those jobbers earlier? Petrov knew when he was needed and he just destroyed Alex Richards!
Alex lays on the hard cement and looks up at Petrov.
Alex Richards: Betty Adams deserved better than you.
Petrov: 2.0: Fuck you! You die now!
Rebecca Thatch from her seat in the crowd shrieks in agony as Petrov lifts up Richards for the powerbomb, while Evil Paul Rudd shouts Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You over and over again in Alex's ear. Petrov delivers the powerbomb with the styles clash ending through the table!
Jimmy Garcia: Holy shit!
Sebastian Reid: Alex Richards is not getting up after that.
Evil Paul Rudd gives Petrov a high five, the soviet superman, barely masking his contempt for it. Then he makes the pin on Alex.
1..
2...
3!
Evil Paul Rudd: I don't think he's had enough. He's still twitching.
Sebastian Reid: I assure you.. that leg twitch is involuntary. The King of Mass Confusion is out to the world after that brutal version of the Fuck You! Who could possibly get up after that?
Evil Paul Rudd: I enjoyed that Fuck You so much I want to see it again. Only better! Minions... I want two tables!
Paul's assistants come out carrying two tables which they place beside each other.
Evil Paul Rudd: No.. you idiots. It's so hard to find good help. Like this..
Paul stacks the tables on top of each other. Then he comes back with a bottle of lighter fluid and a blow torch. Petrov meanwhile is setting up what appears to be a 20 foot ladder. He lifts up the massive 300 pound Richards and flungs his dead wieght over his shoulder and begins to climb the ladder.
Jimmy Garcia: I wish someone could stop this match. Alex is defenseless already!
Gravedigger: I can't wait until someone makes a gif of this so |I can watch Alex get destroyed over and over on my iPhone. He never should have fucked with Paul Rudd.
Evil Paul Rudd: Wait.. wait..
Paul dumps the fluid over both tables.. then uses the torch igniting them.
Evil Paul Rudd: Now.. fucking burn him!
Petrov sits on the top of the ladder.. positioning Alex's dead weight in between his legs for the powerbomb.. He yells out Fuck You! Only to have Alex come to life and backdrop Petrov landing him on top of the table which bends but does not break.
Alex Richards: No... Fuck you!
Alex launches himself backwards off the top of the ladder leaping onto Petrov with a brutal King-Quila bomb.. the force driving Petrov through both flaming tables!
Sebastian Reid: Oh my god that was brutal!
Alex Richards rolls free clutching his ribs. Petrov does not move. As the door opens and someone makes their move. Elvira rushes into the room, grabs Petrov by the ankles and starts dragging him towards the exit.
Elvira: What? A girl's got needs. He does have a cock like a tree trunk after all.
Alex Richards struggles to his feet, only to have Paul Rudd jump him from behind with the back stabber.. into the rear naked choke!
Gravedigger: I love it! Paul Rudd was lying in wait. If Petrov didn't finish Alex off he was going to do it himself with the Evil Accolades! Nobody has ever broken this move.
Alex tries to fight his way out with desperation punches to the face of Rudd but reaching behind yourself and blindly punching isn't particularly effective. Alex begins to turn a deeper shade of red as Paul continues to pour on the pressure.
Evil Paul Rudd: I just want to let you know Alex.. after I finished choking the life out of you.. I'm going to do the same thing to Rebecca. You think if I apply the same amount of pressure I'm giving you I can snap her neck? What do you think Alex?
Sebastian Reid: That may not have been the right thing to say. It appears it gave Alex some extra energy as the big man is clawing at the hands around his throat.
Jimmy Garcia: He can't break the grip though. Alex Richards is... climbing to his feet with Paul Rudd on his back!
Gravedigger: You guys don't know what you're talking about. Winning the psychological war is even sweeter than winning the psychical one.
Alex Richards, unable to break the hold begins slowly climbing the ladder.
Sebastian Reid: This can not be a good idea.
Jimmy Garcia: This is a horrible idea.
Gravedigger: This is a great idea! Ever see someone pass out on a ladder? It's on my bucket list!
Paul Rudd holds tight as Alex begins to turn blue. Finally in desperation he flings himself backwards... right in the direction of the ring steps! The steps are flattened as Paul Rudd is crushed against them by the mass of Alex Richards!
Gravedigger: That's not fair! He had this won!
Sebastian Reid: Alex had a plan after all. He knew exactly where he was and used those steps to absolutely annihilate Paul Rudd. He is not getting up after that.
Jimmy Garcia: All Alex has to do is pin him here.
Gravedigger: Alex isn't in much better shape then Rudd.
Jimmy Garcia: Would you look at the blood pouring from Rudd?
Sebastian Reid: You sound like a low rent macabre version of Dr. Seuss.
Alex crawls away from the ring steps on his hands and knees and barks in an even harsher voice than usual.
Alex Richards: Hey stooges... get me a chain saw!
Sebastian Reid: Oh no.
The assistants, being employed by Paul Rudd don't do anything.
Alex Richards: Stooges.. get me a chainsaw! I'm telling you.. if I have to go back there... I'm going to destroy each and every one of you until I find my chainsaw.. What I'm saying is.. get me a fucking chainsaw!
One of the assistants come out carrying a chainsaw. They drop it next to Alex then sprint towards backstage. Alex slowly, gets up, using the chainsaw as a sort of makeshift crutch. He grabs Rudd with his free hand and sits him up as much as he can on what's left of the stairs. He places the chainsaw against Paul's jaw and..
Alex Richards: You give it up Rudd?
Evil Paul Rudd: Not a chance you obese troll!
Alex Richards: I was hoping you'd say that.
Alex fires up the chainsaw and Paul immediately begins waving his arms.
Sebastian Reid: It's amazing how much energy you suddenly have when someone comes at you with a chainsaw.
Evil Paul Rudd: Wait Wait Wait!
Alex Richards: I knew you'd quit.
Evil Paul Rudd: No... I'm not quitting. I want a last prayer.
Alex Richards: Yeah... right. I'm not falling for that.
Evil Paul Rudd: A last prayer.. to the flying spaghetti monster! As a devout Pastafarian you have to grant me that request!
Alex sighs.
Alex Richards: You have ten seconds.
Jimmy Garcia: Alex Richards.. showing some mercy.
Gravedigger: He doesn't have the killer instinct!
Sebastian Reid: We know that isn't true!
Paul drops to his knees.. bends over.. then unleashes Hell on Alex Richards launching a massive fireball directly into his face. This engulfs Alex's beard in flames. The big man stops, drops, and rolls.
Gravedigger: I knew it! There is no quit in Evil Paul Rudd! He suckered Alex Richards in and the big dummy fell for it!
Evil Paul staggers around looking for the closest weapon.. a metal shovel wrapped in barbed wire. He blasts Alex in the head of it with it! He blasts him in the back of the head again. He blasts him in the skull one more time in order to make sure.
Jimmy Garcia: Who on earth wraps a shovel in barbed wire? Why does a shovel need something extra to be used as a weapon?
Sebastian Reid: You got me there Jimmy but I have to say.. that thing really ripped up Alex's head as well as seemingly knocking him out, perhaps for good.
Evil Paul Rudd: It's time for the Grand Finale!
Gravedigger: And as if on cue. Actually definitely on cue some of those overpaid stage hands come in wheeling... ohh.. this should be good. Look at the glee in Paul Rudd's eyes as they wheel in that dunk tank.
Evil Paul Rudd: Last time I dunked you in there you weren't seen for months Alex. This time.. let's make your death permanent? You remember the way that lye dissolved your body? But you came back last time. I guess we need a quick test to make sure this time will be fatal.
Paul Rudd quick grabs the referee! The man screams as Paul boots him in the gut and DDTs him! He screams again as he hits the lye as Paul hoists him up and tosses him in the tank. The man scrambles as his body begins to dissolve turning the “water” red.
Evil Paul Rudd: Perfect! Backup referee!
A second, very nervous looking official tentatively approaches.
Jimmy Garcia: This is bad. We aren't going to show this on pay per view are we?
Gravedigger: Shut up your pussy! Live death equals ratings!
Sebastian Reid: That is technically true. But I don't think anyone wants to see it.
Paul picks Alex up.. and the door of the studio swings open. Shaun Zach Richards sprints towards the door grabbing Rebecca Thatch by the hand.
SZR: C'mon Rebecca.. we have to go.. NOW!
Evil Paul Rudd: Oh no.. you fucking don't!
Evil Paul nails the tribute to the oscars superkick to Shaun's groin! Then tosses him right into a row of the steel chairs.
Evil Paul Rudd: Sit the fuck down! Both of you! You get to witness this! You get to witness history! Nobody is going to be able to stop this.
Paul Rudd strains, and heaves then finally..
Evil Paul Rudd: Stagehands! Would you fucking help me already?
Two stagehands come over and help Rudd hoist Alex up in the air.. going dangerously close to the lye.
Gravedigger: It's over! It's finally over! We finally get rid of one of the Guardians.
Jimmy Garcia: You are sick Gravedigger.
Gravedigger: Think I can ask Paul to borrow some of that lye for my favorite announcer?
Suddenly the far wall of the sound stage buckles as a white van with the words “Free Candy” in blood red letters on the side crashes through the wall.
Evil Paul Rudd: Oh! What the fuck now? You have got to be fucking kidding me!
Evil Paul drops Alex and rips over the door of the van.. pulling out the driver... the older version of Alex Richards from the future, the one with the long flowing black hair steps out. Paul immediately rips off the hubcap smashes older Alex in the face with it.. then piledrives him on the hub cap.
Evil Paul Rudd: That was your fucking plan, Alex? That was your fucking trump card? You're such a fucking failure Richards!
The passenger door opens and out hops... an alternative version of Paul Rudd.
Evil Paul Rudd: A fucking imposter? This is what you have for me.
Paul Rudd looks at Evil Paul coldly.
Paul Rudd: I'm not an imposter. Alex brought me here because you're disgracing my name in this universe.
Evil Paul Rudd: Disgrace your name? I'm fucking Ant Man bitch!
Paul Rudd: Yeah.. well I'm fucking Batman in my universe. Furthermore I won an Oscar for my performance in the Dark Knight. I'm not here to brag about things like in my world I'm a more respected actor then Al Pacino AND Robert Deniro combined. But actually I am here to do just that. Because when I heard about your evil deeds.. and about the fact you're proud of it. I had to come and tell you I have everything you ever wanted. I am the greatest actor of my generation, and Rebecca Thatch? In my universe she's my wife.
Evil Paul Rudd: Well big fucking deal! Let's see how much you enjoy it.. when you're fucking dead..
Evil Paul picks up the discarded chainsaw. He pulls the cord it doesn't start. He's about to pull it again when he is tapped on the shoulder... he turns and
Jimmy Garcia: Spear by Alex Richards right into the side of the van!
Gravedigger: Oh for fuck's sake! What does it take to keep this guy down?
Sebastian Reid: Paul had him but he got distracted and too full of himself. And look what's happening now.. Alex is dragging him onto the hood of the van. Now the top of the van. He positions Paul for a powerbomb.. and SANITY SLIP OFF THE TOP OF THE VAN TO THE CEMENT FLOOR! WOW!
Alex rolls over and covers Rudd. The replacement ref makes the count...
1...
2...
3!
Alex pulls himself to his feet, looking determined. He presses Paul over his head.. walking towards the dunk tank filled with lethal lye.
Alex Richards: I should throw you in there. You would do it to me. After what you do to me, to Becky to the Guardians.. you have it coming. But I'm not going to. You know why? Because I'm going to let you live with the knowledge that the love and respect you truly want. It's never going to come. And more importantly.. live with the knowledge that you failed BECAUSE you're evil. Or you know.. maybe I changed my mind..
Alex throws Paul Rudd with his last bit of strength.. javelin style right into the side of the dunk tank leaving him in a heap on the floor.
Alex Richards: This is over.
The referee raises Alex's hand.
Referee: Your winner of the Hollywood Death Match... Alex Richards!
Rebecca rushes over and embraces Alex. He slowly limps over towards his wounded brother, helping him up and whispering You did great into Shaun's ear. The trio help up the future version of Alex and load him into the van and drive off barely surviving the Hollywood Death Match.