Post by Dandy DiVito on Sept 10, 2019 23:11:07 GMT -5
Dandy and Yazmin are sitting at the kitchen table at Yazmin’s’ house. Yazmin is on the phone speaking to a radio producer, prepping the radio crew for an interview they are about to conduct with DD. DD looks unconcerned with the proceedings, but Yazmin is all business, making final arrangements with the producer on the other line.
“Alright. Yes. Thank you. We’ll be ready when you’re back from break.”
Yazmin pops the phone onto speaker, and as she begins to walk DD through how the interview will be conducted, XM Radio ads play in the background.
“So as soon as this break is done, Dave will reintroduce the show and then introduce you. It’s satellite radio, so you can be you without FCC worries. Any questions?”
“Nah, babygirl. Got it.”
After a beat, the ads wind down, and Dave’s voice booms.
“Welcome back to Busted Open Radio! I’m here with my co-host, Bully Ray, and joining us now is the new Action Wrestling World Champion, Dandy DiVito. Dandy’s got a big title defense coming up this weekend in Phoenix, Arizona at AW’s Execution pay-per-view. Dandy, welcome to the show.”
“Thanks.”
“So your first title defense will see you faced off against 5 of the best competitors that Action Wrestling has to offer. How are you feeling going into this match, Dandy?”
“How you expect me to feel?”
“Uh, Champ, Bully here… I think Dave is asking if you feel like you’re getting a raw deal here. You ended Lockhart’s legendary run at Uprising and your reward is a Chamber match with 5 opponents. It feels like someone in the front office is either trying to tank your reign early or give you the opportunity to really prove you belong.”
“I DO belong.”
“Oh, I agree. But…”
“No. They ain’t no buts. I fuckin’ belong. This title scene is MY title scene. I beat the champion-of-champions in Action Wrestling fair and square. I took Ryan Lockhart to the limit, and this belt is mine ‘cause I’m the first motherfucker who hit RyRy’s limit before they own. I AM the champion and ain’t goin’ nowhere regardless of them obstacles in my way. This is my strap, and I ain’t givin’ her up.”
“I’m sorry, Champ. I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. Trust me when I say that we are definitely fans of your work.”
“You should be. Just like anybody else watchin’ AW. Y’all should be fans of Dandy!”
“Let’s change gears a little bit here… Last week, you teamed with Riggs-Preston and Richards in a losing effort against your other three Execution opponents. You and Alex Richards had some miscomm…”
“Look, I’ma cut you off, Dave. I feel like I gotta clear the air here and make it 100 percent known that Alex and me are good. A-Dick and me chalkin’ that li’l mistake at the end of our tag team match up to ‘shit happens,’ ok? I like knowin’ that even if he still lookin’ at me like I got a fuckin’ target on my back, game recognizes game and he see that Dandy DiVito EARNED this shit. I also dig where he been comin’ from since Uprising. Looks like you found some intensity! Yo, look, A-Dick… I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found the big man inside you and you ready to roll hard right now. But I’m way more happy you come to understan’ that Dandy DiVito is the World Champion ‘cause I succeeded at doin’ somethin’ you failed to get done twice. We got an understandin’ here, A-Dick. I appreciate that. I think you get me. I think you look at me an’ see the hardworkin’ man that is here to build a legacy.”
“Doesn’t building a professional relationship with the man you’re trying to beat again set the two of you up for disaster, Dandy?”
“Nah, Bubba. A-Dick knows his role, and he trusts me. Sure he tryin’ to take me down at the same time, but understand I got that front covered. We good there. Let me take off my ‘Professional Fighter’ hat for a second and put on my ‘Life Coach’ hat… I’m worryin’ about A-Dick, guys. I ain’t worryin’ about him in the sense that I’m thinking he’ll win the Chamber; no, I’m worryin’ about him in the sense that I’m thinkin’ he ain’t ready and he startin’ to see hisself as a fluke. He was champion in WCF, but he lost it fast. That kinda shit’ll fuck with a man. I get it. Losin’ like that can get in your head. My advice in times like this? Hit that reset button, and understand that you got them yips and you gotta get your head right. I’m gonna keep my belt at Execution, but I don’t want A-Dick to beat hisself up or get down on hisself after that. I’m talkin’ right to ya here A-Dick. You can’t fix them yips by runnin’ yourself into the ground over and over. I’m gonna make you a promise here, big fella, and you should understand that I don’t take this promise lightly: I’ma take you under my wing and you can call me Aladdin ‘cause I’ma show you the world, fella. But, like, I ain’t got a Genie and none of this is an creepy plan to fuck the shit outta you… I just care, big guy. I judged you wrong the first time we squared off. I admit that shit. But you got some work to do still before you can step up to Dandy Fuckin’ DiVito, my man. That’s ok though. Everybody’s got work to do before they can step up to me.”
“How do you think your… is it fair to say friend? Is Richards your friend?”
“Protege, maybe. Ain’t so sure on friend just yet.”
“Ok, so how do you think your protege will feel about these remarks?”
“He might disagree. He might even be a li’l pissed. But in the end, he’ll get it, ‘cause he respects me, my ability, and my judgement.”
“Well, the chamber match is about more than Alex Richards, right? So what about some of your other opponents? You’re facing off against Odin Balfore for the first time in your career.”
“Yeah.”
“And…?”
“‘And’ what?”
“Well, Odin’s a legend in the business. He’s been everywhere and done everything. That doesn’t intimidate you any?”
“Nah. I ain’t sweatin’ Odie neither.”
“Why the disregard?”
“It ain’t disregard, Ray. It’s a reasonable understanding of the challenge at hand. Look, Odie thinkin’ he gonna mount me like Everest, too? Worst thing ‘bout climbin’ that mountain once is that you damn well know you already peaked by the time you try doin’ it again. Here’s the reality check Odie apparently needin’ these days: the man’s career peaked wayyyyyyyy before he got to Action.”
“That’s big talk, Champ. Odin is a WCF Hall of Famer!”
“Do they put yo’ ass in the hall when before you hit your peak? Nah. They induct motherfuckers who found they high water mark already. A HOF ring is recognizes a great career, but it also puts the tombstone on the motherfucker, too.”
“Wow. Well, I guess that’s the headline on all of dirt sheets this week! ‘DiVito BURIES Odin!’”
“Nah. Here’s your headline: ‘Dandy Says Outloud What Everyone Else Thinks to Theyselfs.’ What Odin done since he got to Action? For real. Answer that question, guys. The mans… had a fling wit’ TFK, joined a tag team wit’ Noble Savage, and lost so many fuckin’ matches that he changed his goddamn mind ‘bout the whole damn tag team thing. Odin… be real, bro. You ain’t losin’ them tag matches ‘cause of Savage. You been losin’ them matches ‘cause ya ain’t that good no more. You stand here proud sayin’ you a god. Fine. I took four kings to the limit a few weeks back and I came back with they heads in my hands. I’m good wit’ takin’ the head off a god, too. Shit’ll be cash, son.”
“Come on, Dandy. It’s not that easy. Gods are tougher than Kings, right?”
“Dave, it depends on the king and it depends on the god, I s’pose. If I had to pick a man to face, I’d much rather see Odin across the ring from me than RyRy again. Want me to break Odie down quick so you feel me better?”
“Ok…”
“What motivates Odie? What makes the man tick? That’s easy. There ain’t nothin’ in this world that Odie wants more than to just be relevant. He done a good job of it most his life, but he hit the fuckin’ skids well before the second he walked into Action and found himself a false idol instead of a motherfuckin’ god. WCF and Odie was a match made in Valhalla. WCF sure seemed to loved guys whose mouths ran faster than they fists did. Didn’t matter if we was talking Mustache Family Values or some Mexico shit or Joey Flash making his name on their social media, WCF loved them talkers. Now, Odin… that’s a big sumbitch there, and don’t get ol’ DD wrong here, he certainly had some shining moments as a fighter there in WCF, but those moments are many years, many loses, and many new stars ago. I’m alright with someone like Odin lookin’ at me and thinkin’ he gonna make me bend the knee for ‘em… I don’t judge the elderly for they delusional thoughts, but the motherfucker’s higher than Everest if he think that shit gonna happen. What’s he doin’ now? He’s out on some fuckin’ media tour and he straight up cannot keep my name out his mouth…”
“Wait, wait, wait. It’s rich of you to be making that critique of Odin on a radio show, Champ.”
“Hey, Ray. Y’all brought his ass up. He out talkin’ ‘bout me all on his damn own, and it’s ‘cause I’m the shit. No coincidence that he out with my name in his mouth when my name is THE fuckin’ name in this wrestin’ world today. That’s what happens when you step up and fuckin’ do something. When you set your sights on a target and you knock that shit down. When you take down an all-timer. When you do that shit? YOU RELEVANT. That’s what Odie been missin’ in Action Wrestlin’: relevance. Since he got here, Odie just been the family dog that got so old that he can’t stop leakin’ shit on the carpet. Just got a booty hole that refuses to seal up tight. And the whole time the family just been watchin’, wonderin’ if it’s time to give the motherfucker a needle full of went-to-a-farm-upstate. I’m Odin’s needle, and I’m sick of that brokedown ass shittin’ on my fuckin’ floor.”
“So you’re just going to ignore the threat posed by The All-Father?”
“Don’t let yourself think any of that means I’m gonna take Odin lightly. Hell, takin’ him light is what cost TFK against him at Evo. TFK thought an old dog ain’t got no bite left. I understand it entirely different. I see that old dog got some sharp teeth left, but he’s scared of fading into the dustbin of history and lettin’ go of his spot and just lashes out more to protect what he thinks is his. Odie, I’m talkin’ straight at you here now... I know goddamn well you gonna fight hard even if you is shittin’ on my floor Odie. You got the will to survive bubblin’ right the fuck up outta you. I respect that. But, to be clear, I don’t respect you. An’ as long as I don’t forget you still got fight in you, even if you all broke down nowadays, I’m gonna be able to snuff that fight right out. I got this shit covered, Odie. Your days as a top guy died when WCF did. You playin’ in a playground that’s bigger than you is now, and unfortunately for you, tough talk and flappin’ gums just ain’t enough here.”
“Dandy, I really thought you might offer more respect to veterans like Odin. Guys who blazed the trail for guys like you. To hear you flippantly dismissing a legend like Odin is…”
“I ain’t flippin’ and I ain’t dismissin’. I’m just tellin’ y’all I’m gonna circumsize a frost-giant by kickin’ Odin in the fuckin’ jaw.”
Yazmin reacts quietly and smacks DD on the arm. “Cool it!”
DD looks at Yazmin with eyes that say “yeah, yeah, yeah.”
“It’s a good thing we’re on Satellite, Dave.”
“You can say that again, Bully! Dandy, we’re nearly out of time here, but are you sitting on any last kernels of wisdom? Any of your other opponents you’d like to run down like a confused old lady behind the wheel of a Cadillac?”
“You tryin’ to get me in trouble, Dave?”
“Trouble’s good for ratings!”
“Good thing I ain’t afraid of gettin’ in trouble then, huh?”
“It is for us!”
“Y’all want me to shit on KOS, too?”
“Haha… Just making your nut by wrecking those who came before you, huh?”
“You know how it is, Bully... So Spenny, huh? Again, huh? Gonna step up just to get knocked down AGAIN? By this point, he like the motherfucker who uses Omegle just swearin’ to hisself that this next person won’t be some masturbating old guy. You know that’s bullshit and I know that’s bullshit. EVERYONE on Omegle is tuggin’ it, and EVERYTIME he get in the ring to come for my title, he gonna get slapped down like the Thundercat he lookin’ like in that cosplayin’-ass ring gear. Last time I went in on his ass, I told him I was gonna send him to his dead fucking nephew, and that STILL wasn’t enough motivation to get his fuckin’ head in the game, huh? He STILL didn’t have the rage in your heart to make me eat my words or to just feed me my motherfuckin’ teeth? That’s some spineless bitch shit on Ol’ Spenny’s part. I can’t respect that. Last time we battled for this strap, he was one of them big names to beat. He was a former champion. That label made him stand out to me and everyone else. Well this time…? He still a former champion, and that might still make him stand out to everyone else. But me? Fuck. I AM the champ now. I AM what he want to be. I’m walkin’ in at Execution swingin’ the big ol’ champion dick. Ain’t nobody else got that luxury. Six of us is gettin’ in that chamber on Sunday, but only one of us is doin’ so with 20 pounds of gold. Uprising surprised me how damn easy it was to punk Spenny’s ass. There was a time when only Spenny Adams could beat Spenny Adams, but them days ain’t been around in a while. He on his back more nowadays than a fuckin’ hooker. Spenny, maybe you should just consider a straight up career change? You already functionally gettin’ paid to lay down, so maybe you should just hold out hope that you get a li’l orgasm outta the action, too? Ain’t gonna happen in the ring unless you want someone like ol’ Bobby Rage to straight up rip that li’l peepee right off ya. Your best bet is to just tuck that shit and run, Spenny. You got as much of a chance to win doin’ that as you do by showin’ up at Execution.”
“That’s a scorching hot take there, DD!”
“I ain’t nothin’ if I ain’t spittin’ fuckin’ fire, fellas.”
“Well this has been fun and we should DEFINITELY do it again, Dandy, but we are out of time and have to let you go! Thanks for joining us!”
“Thank y’all. Just be ready to be sittin’ on your couch chanting DAN-DY! DAN-DY! DAN-DY! come Sunday, boys!”
“I think I prefer DAN-DY ROCKS! DAN-DY ROCKS!”
“Good luck this weekend! We’ll talk again soon!”
The line disconnects and Yazmin immediately chimes in.
“You still have two other opponents, you know? And one of them literally just pinned you for the three count…”
“You think I need remindin’? Man, fuck that. I’m gonna get back my fuckin’ pin on Teo. Ain’t no doubt ‘bout it.”
“And what about Allison?”
“What about her?”
“Don’t pretend she’s got no chance, Dandy. The second you do that is the second you end up like Sam Kidsgrove: win the singles strap and then immediately lose it without a successful title defense.”
“Hey! That’s too fuckin’ far, Yaz. Besides, Kiddy ain’t never won the big gold strap like me.”
“Ok, fine. But what about Allison?”
“Why the fuck should I sweat Allison? What is it about her that makes you think I gotta worry or even think about her ass?”
“She’s in the chamber for a reason.”
“Yeah. But what’s the reason?”
“She earned her shot.”
“Wrong.”
“What?”
“She won a match, yeah. Her opponent was some fat fuck that ain’t won in an eternity. Fuck, the only thing that he experienced less recently than winnin’ a match was seein’ his toes without a mirror. That ain’t earning a shot. Beyond that, how’d she get here?”
“To Action Wrestling?”
“Yeah. How’d she get a roster spot?”
Yazmin shakes her head silently reflecting that she doesn’t know the answer to the question.
“It’s easy. A tale as old as time even. She was fuckin’ someone who was already here and brought her in, Yaz.”
“Dane?”
“Hell, maybe LA, too! Who the fuck even knows!”
“She’s got a bloodline too though. Don’t forget her dad is Damon Riggs.”
“Hahaha… I don’t give a shit about Damon Riggs. I don’t give a shit about Allison neither. She ain’t had nothin’ but a bad fuckin’ attitude goin’ into that tag match last week. She didn’t have the desire to do what was necessary to get the job done when them chips was down. She didn’t have a dick to ride to take her places, so of course she couldn’t do nothin’. She ain’t the type to do her own hard work and make her own opportunities. She came up as some punk kid of a well-known, she became an adult as the wife of a dude with a future, and she got to the chamber by pinnin’ a fatty. It’s like the textbook high school loser’s trajectory. Daddy’s girl rebels by pokin’ the bad boy, bad boy leaves, loney girl starts pluggin’ away at the fatties.”
“RJ?! She didn’t…”
“Nah, she didn’t fuck ‘im, but well, I dunno. She was pretty excited to get on top of ‘im, you dig?”
“Dandy… that’s a stretch.”
“No more a stretch than what Allison wanted RJ to give her…”
“That’s awful.”
“Yeah. I know. At least you ain’t had to see that big hoss in the showers.”
Yazmin shudders.
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“I still can’t believe her tag is called FemDom.”
“I don’t get it. What the fuck that mean?”
“Oh… uh… it’s a woman that dominates her partner, like, you know, in the bedroom.”
“Like how when we was fuckin’ you always tryed bustin’ out that fake dick?”
“Um, yes.”
“So why you upset by her tag team…?”
“I’m not upset. I’m just confused. Torture has this weird hard-on for people cursing on Clash nowadays, but Allison can call her team fucking-a-dude-in-the-ass-with-a-fake-dick?! What the fuck is that about?”
“Oh, you know, Ol’ Tortiseshell… He all about contradictions and buttfuckery. Why you think I gotta defend this shit in a chamber before I get even a hot second to have a singles defense? God only knows what shit storm brewin’ with this #WrestleSeason bullshit. Prolly gonna be three more title shots for Jaice.”
“You know Jaice is gone, right?”
“Oh yeah? When that happen?”
“When you were hurt. He, like, jerked off at the airport or shit in some creeper’s Batman fedora or something. I don’t remember. But he’s been out of here for months.”
“Huh. Well, then WrestleSeason will mean even more title shots for Allison.”
“Why?”
“Nobody fills them Jaice-shoes better than her, Yaz. Nobody. How’d Jaice get his shots over and over? Random fuckin’ chance and shit booking. How Allison get hers? Random fuckin’ chance and shit booking. They two fuckin’ peas in a pod.”
“Fine. You’re still neglecting Teo though.”
“The fuck I am.”
“You haven’t said shit about him yet.”
“You think I’m gonna let this last name stealin’ fraud fuckin’ sneak attack me and just waltz off after? Nah. Nah, man. Fuck that. Ain’t lettin’ that shit go easy.”
“Wait… what makes Teo a fraud?!”
“His best fuckin’ line is somethin’ like ‘I’ll fight with all my heart and soul’? What the fuck does that even mean? It’s empty fuckin’ shit. Totally fuckin’ empty. And he tries tellin’ us all over and over and over how he the truth and he gonna bring the truth… You know who ain’t gotta remind you how fuckin’ honest they are all the time? Fuckin’ honest people. That dude is a goddamn snake. He the kinda motherfucker who get in the ring and say the goofiest shit in the world just ‘cause somebody who can try to sell a fuckin’ shirt with it will be happy. Nah, I ain’t down on Teo del Sol, Teo Mania, Teosaurus, Teosaurus Rex, Teddy Ruxpin, Texaco Jones, or whatever other horseshit he was hidin’ behind over all these years he spent as the most honest face in wrastlin’. What fuckin’ honest man needs that many names and aliases? Nah. That’s a deadass giveaway that the motherfucker’s got enemies and lives on the run.”
“Dandy, why the fuck would a man on the run be on international fucking television?”
“Dunno. Maybe he fuckin’ stupid. Thems the only two explanations. That or he got some sort of terrible brain injury and keeps forgettin’ who he is… Shit. If that’s it, I’ma feel a little bad doin’ to ‘im what I gotta do. Maybe I’ll beat that ass so bad he forgets he stole Beau’s fuckin’ name.”
“It’s not like that was his choice. Torture and Camilla just kind of forced it…”
“Yeah, but Teo didn’t tell them it was fucked or nothin’. He just let it happen. He just stood by and waved the motherfuckers on. We talkin’ ‘bout a man’s fuckin’ identity! That ain’t just a game. That’s real fuckin’ life shit. I get it though. Ol’ Teddy’s been through so many fuckin’ identity changes, he prolly didn’t even bat an eye at forcing that shit on someone else. Pretty fucked still. I can’t stand for that kind of shit, Yaz. Just can’t do it.”
“So all of these match ups… not one of them is about the title?”
“Oh, I didn’t say that. Every fuckin’ one of ‘em is about my strap. And make no mistake, it’s my strap. Ain’t gettin’ it from me fuckin’ easy. Ain’t pryin’ that shit outta my hands unless I’m damn near dead again like Evo. If someone wants to take it, they better be ready to fucking kill Dandy DiVito, because that’s what it’ll take on Sunday and that’s what it’ll take every fucking time I step in that ring to defend this beauty. I ain’t Spenny or Allison, so no one should expect me to just gleefully laydown. I ain’t Alex, so you know I’m ready for this fight. I ain’t Odie who been watchin’ the sun set over his whole fuckin’ career for a clip. I ain’t Teddy who still gotta figure out that the first step to bein’ competitive in Action is knowin’ who the fuck you are. You know what I AM though?”
“What?”
“I AM DANDY FUCKIN’ DIVITO, CHAMPION OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ WORLD, AND I’M ROLLIN’ INTO AND OUTTA EXECUTION THE SAME FUCKIN’ WAY: SLINGIN’ THIS STRAP OVER MY SHOULDER IN CELEBRATION! Ain’t NOBODY else in that chamber gonna be sayin’ that shit, Yaz. NOBODY!”
Yaz smiles taking note of DD’s passion.
“Good. That’s what I want to see.”
“Alright. Yes. Thank you. We’ll be ready when you’re back from break.”
Yazmin pops the phone onto speaker, and as she begins to walk DD through how the interview will be conducted, XM Radio ads play in the background.
“So as soon as this break is done, Dave will reintroduce the show and then introduce you. It’s satellite radio, so you can be you without FCC worries. Any questions?”
“Nah, babygirl. Got it.”
After a beat, the ads wind down, and Dave’s voice booms.
“Welcome back to Busted Open Radio! I’m here with my co-host, Bully Ray, and joining us now is the new Action Wrestling World Champion, Dandy DiVito. Dandy’s got a big title defense coming up this weekend in Phoenix, Arizona at AW’s Execution pay-per-view. Dandy, welcome to the show.”
“Thanks.”
“So your first title defense will see you faced off against 5 of the best competitors that Action Wrestling has to offer. How are you feeling going into this match, Dandy?”
“How you expect me to feel?”
“Uh, Champ, Bully here… I think Dave is asking if you feel like you’re getting a raw deal here. You ended Lockhart’s legendary run at Uprising and your reward is a Chamber match with 5 opponents. It feels like someone in the front office is either trying to tank your reign early or give you the opportunity to really prove you belong.”
“I DO belong.”
“Oh, I agree. But…”
“No. They ain’t no buts. I fuckin’ belong. This title scene is MY title scene. I beat the champion-of-champions in Action Wrestling fair and square. I took Ryan Lockhart to the limit, and this belt is mine ‘cause I’m the first motherfucker who hit RyRy’s limit before they own. I AM the champion and ain’t goin’ nowhere regardless of them obstacles in my way. This is my strap, and I ain’t givin’ her up.”
“I’m sorry, Champ. I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. Trust me when I say that we are definitely fans of your work.”
“You should be. Just like anybody else watchin’ AW. Y’all should be fans of Dandy!”
“Let’s change gears a little bit here… Last week, you teamed with Riggs-Preston and Richards in a losing effort against your other three Execution opponents. You and Alex Richards had some miscomm…”
“Look, I’ma cut you off, Dave. I feel like I gotta clear the air here and make it 100 percent known that Alex and me are good. A-Dick and me chalkin’ that li’l mistake at the end of our tag team match up to ‘shit happens,’ ok? I like knowin’ that even if he still lookin’ at me like I got a fuckin’ target on my back, game recognizes game and he see that Dandy DiVito EARNED this shit. I also dig where he been comin’ from since Uprising. Looks like you found some intensity! Yo, look, A-Dick… I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found the big man inside you and you ready to roll hard right now. But I’m way more happy you come to understan’ that Dandy DiVito is the World Champion ‘cause I succeeded at doin’ somethin’ you failed to get done twice. We got an understandin’ here, A-Dick. I appreciate that. I think you get me. I think you look at me an’ see the hardworkin’ man that is here to build a legacy.”
“Doesn’t building a professional relationship with the man you’re trying to beat again set the two of you up for disaster, Dandy?”
“Nah, Bubba. A-Dick knows his role, and he trusts me. Sure he tryin’ to take me down at the same time, but understand I got that front covered. We good there. Let me take off my ‘Professional Fighter’ hat for a second and put on my ‘Life Coach’ hat… I’m worryin’ about A-Dick, guys. I ain’t worryin’ about him in the sense that I’m thinking he’ll win the Chamber; no, I’m worryin’ about him in the sense that I’m thinkin’ he ain’t ready and he startin’ to see hisself as a fluke. He was champion in WCF, but he lost it fast. That kinda shit’ll fuck with a man. I get it. Losin’ like that can get in your head. My advice in times like this? Hit that reset button, and understand that you got them yips and you gotta get your head right. I’m gonna keep my belt at Execution, but I don’t want A-Dick to beat hisself up or get down on hisself after that. I’m talkin’ right to ya here A-Dick. You can’t fix them yips by runnin’ yourself into the ground over and over. I’m gonna make you a promise here, big fella, and you should understand that I don’t take this promise lightly: I’ma take you under my wing and you can call me Aladdin ‘cause I’ma show you the world, fella. But, like, I ain’t got a Genie and none of this is an creepy plan to fuck the shit outta you… I just care, big guy. I judged you wrong the first time we squared off. I admit that shit. But you got some work to do still before you can step up to Dandy Fuckin’ DiVito, my man. That’s ok though. Everybody’s got work to do before they can step up to me.”
“How do you think your… is it fair to say friend? Is Richards your friend?”
“Protege, maybe. Ain’t so sure on friend just yet.”
“Ok, so how do you think your protege will feel about these remarks?”
“He might disagree. He might even be a li’l pissed. But in the end, he’ll get it, ‘cause he respects me, my ability, and my judgement.”
“Well, the chamber match is about more than Alex Richards, right? So what about some of your other opponents? You’re facing off against Odin Balfore for the first time in your career.”
“Yeah.”
“And…?”
“‘And’ what?”
“Well, Odin’s a legend in the business. He’s been everywhere and done everything. That doesn’t intimidate you any?”
“Nah. I ain’t sweatin’ Odie neither.”
“Why the disregard?”
“It ain’t disregard, Ray. It’s a reasonable understanding of the challenge at hand. Look, Odie thinkin’ he gonna mount me like Everest, too? Worst thing ‘bout climbin’ that mountain once is that you damn well know you already peaked by the time you try doin’ it again. Here’s the reality check Odie apparently needin’ these days: the man’s career peaked wayyyyyyyy before he got to Action.”
“That’s big talk, Champ. Odin is a WCF Hall of Famer!”
“Do they put yo’ ass in the hall when before you hit your peak? Nah. They induct motherfuckers who found they high water mark already. A HOF ring is recognizes a great career, but it also puts the tombstone on the motherfucker, too.”
“Wow. Well, I guess that’s the headline on all of dirt sheets this week! ‘DiVito BURIES Odin!’”
“Nah. Here’s your headline: ‘Dandy Says Outloud What Everyone Else Thinks to Theyselfs.’ What Odin done since he got to Action? For real. Answer that question, guys. The mans… had a fling wit’ TFK, joined a tag team wit’ Noble Savage, and lost so many fuckin’ matches that he changed his goddamn mind ‘bout the whole damn tag team thing. Odin… be real, bro. You ain’t losin’ them tag matches ‘cause of Savage. You been losin’ them matches ‘cause ya ain’t that good no more. You stand here proud sayin’ you a god. Fine. I took four kings to the limit a few weeks back and I came back with they heads in my hands. I’m good wit’ takin’ the head off a god, too. Shit’ll be cash, son.”
“Come on, Dandy. It’s not that easy. Gods are tougher than Kings, right?”
“Dave, it depends on the king and it depends on the god, I s’pose. If I had to pick a man to face, I’d much rather see Odin across the ring from me than RyRy again. Want me to break Odie down quick so you feel me better?”
“Ok…”
“What motivates Odie? What makes the man tick? That’s easy. There ain’t nothin’ in this world that Odie wants more than to just be relevant. He done a good job of it most his life, but he hit the fuckin’ skids well before the second he walked into Action and found himself a false idol instead of a motherfuckin’ god. WCF and Odie was a match made in Valhalla. WCF sure seemed to loved guys whose mouths ran faster than they fists did. Didn’t matter if we was talking Mustache Family Values or some Mexico shit or Joey Flash making his name on their social media, WCF loved them talkers. Now, Odin… that’s a big sumbitch there, and don’t get ol’ DD wrong here, he certainly had some shining moments as a fighter there in WCF, but those moments are many years, many loses, and many new stars ago. I’m alright with someone like Odin lookin’ at me and thinkin’ he gonna make me bend the knee for ‘em… I don’t judge the elderly for they delusional thoughts, but the motherfucker’s higher than Everest if he think that shit gonna happen. What’s he doin’ now? He’s out on some fuckin’ media tour and he straight up cannot keep my name out his mouth…”
“Wait, wait, wait. It’s rich of you to be making that critique of Odin on a radio show, Champ.”
“Hey, Ray. Y’all brought his ass up. He out talkin’ ‘bout me all on his damn own, and it’s ‘cause I’m the shit. No coincidence that he out with my name in his mouth when my name is THE fuckin’ name in this wrestin’ world today. That’s what happens when you step up and fuckin’ do something. When you set your sights on a target and you knock that shit down. When you take down an all-timer. When you do that shit? YOU RELEVANT. That’s what Odie been missin’ in Action Wrestlin’: relevance. Since he got here, Odie just been the family dog that got so old that he can’t stop leakin’ shit on the carpet. Just got a booty hole that refuses to seal up tight. And the whole time the family just been watchin’, wonderin’ if it’s time to give the motherfucker a needle full of went-to-a-farm-upstate. I’m Odin’s needle, and I’m sick of that brokedown ass shittin’ on my fuckin’ floor.”
“So you’re just going to ignore the threat posed by The All-Father?”
“Don’t let yourself think any of that means I’m gonna take Odin lightly. Hell, takin’ him light is what cost TFK against him at Evo. TFK thought an old dog ain’t got no bite left. I understand it entirely different. I see that old dog got some sharp teeth left, but he’s scared of fading into the dustbin of history and lettin’ go of his spot and just lashes out more to protect what he thinks is his. Odie, I’m talkin’ straight at you here now... I know goddamn well you gonna fight hard even if you is shittin’ on my floor Odie. You got the will to survive bubblin’ right the fuck up outta you. I respect that. But, to be clear, I don’t respect you. An’ as long as I don’t forget you still got fight in you, even if you all broke down nowadays, I’m gonna be able to snuff that fight right out. I got this shit covered, Odie. Your days as a top guy died when WCF did. You playin’ in a playground that’s bigger than you is now, and unfortunately for you, tough talk and flappin’ gums just ain’t enough here.”
“Dandy, I really thought you might offer more respect to veterans like Odin. Guys who blazed the trail for guys like you. To hear you flippantly dismissing a legend like Odin is…”
“I ain’t flippin’ and I ain’t dismissin’. I’m just tellin’ y’all I’m gonna circumsize a frost-giant by kickin’ Odin in the fuckin’ jaw.”
Yazmin reacts quietly and smacks DD on the arm. “Cool it!”
DD looks at Yazmin with eyes that say “yeah, yeah, yeah.”
“It’s a good thing we’re on Satellite, Dave.”
“You can say that again, Bully! Dandy, we’re nearly out of time here, but are you sitting on any last kernels of wisdom? Any of your other opponents you’d like to run down like a confused old lady behind the wheel of a Cadillac?”
“You tryin’ to get me in trouble, Dave?”
“Trouble’s good for ratings!”
“Good thing I ain’t afraid of gettin’ in trouble then, huh?”
“It is for us!”
“Y’all want me to shit on KOS, too?”
“Haha… Just making your nut by wrecking those who came before you, huh?”
“You know how it is, Bully... So Spenny, huh? Again, huh? Gonna step up just to get knocked down AGAIN? By this point, he like the motherfucker who uses Omegle just swearin’ to hisself that this next person won’t be some masturbating old guy. You know that’s bullshit and I know that’s bullshit. EVERYONE on Omegle is tuggin’ it, and EVERYTIME he get in the ring to come for my title, he gonna get slapped down like the Thundercat he lookin’ like in that cosplayin’-ass ring gear. Last time I went in on his ass, I told him I was gonna send him to his dead fucking nephew, and that STILL wasn’t enough motivation to get his fuckin’ head in the game, huh? He STILL didn’t have the rage in your heart to make me eat my words or to just feed me my motherfuckin’ teeth? That’s some spineless bitch shit on Ol’ Spenny’s part. I can’t respect that. Last time we battled for this strap, he was one of them big names to beat. He was a former champion. That label made him stand out to me and everyone else. Well this time…? He still a former champion, and that might still make him stand out to everyone else. But me? Fuck. I AM the champ now. I AM what he want to be. I’m walkin’ in at Execution swingin’ the big ol’ champion dick. Ain’t nobody else got that luxury. Six of us is gettin’ in that chamber on Sunday, but only one of us is doin’ so with 20 pounds of gold. Uprising surprised me how damn easy it was to punk Spenny’s ass. There was a time when only Spenny Adams could beat Spenny Adams, but them days ain’t been around in a while. He on his back more nowadays than a fuckin’ hooker. Spenny, maybe you should just consider a straight up career change? You already functionally gettin’ paid to lay down, so maybe you should just hold out hope that you get a li’l orgasm outta the action, too? Ain’t gonna happen in the ring unless you want someone like ol’ Bobby Rage to straight up rip that li’l peepee right off ya. Your best bet is to just tuck that shit and run, Spenny. You got as much of a chance to win doin’ that as you do by showin’ up at Execution.”
“That’s a scorching hot take there, DD!”
“I ain’t nothin’ if I ain’t spittin’ fuckin’ fire, fellas.”
“Well this has been fun and we should DEFINITELY do it again, Dandy, but we are out of time and have to let you go! Thanks for joining us!”
“Thank y’all. Just be ready to be sittin’ on your couch chanting DAN-DY! DAN-DY! DAN-DY! come Sunday, boys!”
“I think I prefer DAN-DY ROCKS! DAN-DY ROCKS!”
“Good luck this weekend! We’ll talk again soon!”
The line disconnects and Yazmin immediately chimes in.
“You still have two other opponents, you know? And one of them literally just pinned you for the three count…”
“You think I need remindin’? Man, fuck that. I’m gonna get back my fuckin’ pin on Teo. Ain’t no doubt ‘bout it.”
“And what about Allison?”
“What about her?”
“Don’t pretend she’s got no chance, Dandy. The second you do that is the second you end up like Sam Kidsgrove: win the singles strap and then immediately lose it without a successful title defense.”
“Hey! That’s too fuckin’ far, Yaz. Besides, Kiddy ain’t never won the big gold strap like me.”
“Ok, fine. But what about Allison?”
“Why the fuck should I sweat Allison? What is it about her that makes you think I gotta worry or even think about her ass?”
“She’s in the chamber for a reason.”
“Yeah. But what’s the reason?”
“She earned her shot.”
“Wrong.”
“What?”
“She won a match, yeah. Her opponent was some fat fuck that ain’t won in an eternity. Fuck, the only thing that he experienced less recently than winnin’ a match was seein’ his toes without a mirror. That ain’t earning a shot. Beyond that, how’d she get here?”
“To Action Wrestling?”
“Yeah. How’d she get a roster spot?”
Yazmin shakes her head silently reflecting that she doesn’t know the answer to the question.
“It’s easy. A tale as old as time even. She was fuckin’ someone who was already here and brought her in, Yaz.”
“Dane?”
“Hell, maybe LA, too! Who the fuck even knows!”
“She’s got a bloodline too though. Don’t forget her dad is Damon Riggs.”
“Hahaha… I don’t give a shit about Damon Riggs. I don’t give a shit about Allison neither. She ain’t had nothin’ but a bad fuckin’ attitude goin’ into that tag match last week. She didn’t have the desire to do what was necessary to get the job done when them chips was down. She didn’t have a dick to ride to take her places, so of course she couldn’t do nothin’. She ain’t the type to do her own hard work and make her own opportunities. She came up as some punk kid of a well-known, she became an adult as the wife of a dude with a future, and she got to the chamber by pinnin’ a fatty. It’s like the textbook high school loser’s trajectory. Daddy’s girl rebels by pokin’ the bad boy, bad boy leaves, loney girl starts pluggin’ away at the fatties.”
“RJ?! She didn’t…”
“Nah, she didn’t fuck ‘im, but well, I dunno. She was pretty excited to get on top of ‘im, you dig?”
“Dandy… that’s a stretch.”
“No more a stretch than what Allison wanted RJ to give her…”
“That’s awful.”
“Yeah. I know. At least you ain’t had to see that big hoss in the showers.”
Yazmin shudders.
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“I still can’t believe her tag is called FemDom.”
“I don’t get it. What the fuck that mean?”
“Oh… uh… it’s a woman that dominates her partner, like, you know, in the bedroom.”
“Like how when we was fuckin’ you always tryed bustin’ out that fake dick?”
“Um, yes.”
“So why you upset by her tag team…?”
“I’m not upset. I’m just confused. Torture has this weird hard-on for people cursing on Clash nowadays, but Allison can call her team fucking-a-dude-in-the-ass-with-a-fake-dick?! What the fuck is that about?”
“Oh, you know, Ol’ Tortiseshell… He all about contradictions and buttfuckery. Why you think I gotta defend this shit in a chamber before I get even a hot second to have a singles defense? God only knows what shit storm brewin’ with this #WrestleSeason bullshit. Prolly gonna be three more title shots for Jaice.”
“You know Jaice is gone, right?”
“Oh yeah? When that happen?”
“When you were hurt. He, like, jerked off at the airport or shit in some creeper’s Batman fedora or something. I don’t remember. But he’s been out of here for months.”
“Huh. Well, then WrestleSeason will mean even more title shots for Allison.”
“Why?”
“Nobody fills them Jaice-shoes better than her, Yaz. Nobody. How’d Jaice get his shots over and over? Random fuckin’ chance and shit booking. How Allison get hers? Random fuckin’ chance and shit booking. They two fuckin’ peas in a pod.”
“Fine. You’re still neglecting Teo though.”
“The fuck I am.”
“You haven’t said shit about him yet.”
“You think I’m gonna let this last name stealin’ fraud fuckin’ sneak attack me and just waltz off after? Nah. Nah, man. Fuck that. Ain’t lettin’ that shit go easy.”
“Wait… what makes Teo a fraud?!”
“His best fuckin’ line is somethin’ like ‘I’ll fight with all my heart and soul’? What the fuck does that even mean? It’s empty fuckin’ shit. Totally fuckin’ empty. And he tries tellin’ us all over and over and over how he the truth and he gonna bring the truth… You know who ain’t gotta remind you how fuckin’ honest they are all the time? Fuckin’ honest people. That dude is a goddamn snake. He the kinda motherfucker who get in the ring and say the goofiest shit in the world just ‘cause somebody who can try to sell a fuckin’ shirt with it will be happy. Nah, I ain’t down on Teo del Sol, Teo Mania, Teosaurus, Teosaurus Rex, Teddy Ruxpin, Texaco Jones, or whatever other horseshit he was hidin’ behind over all these years he spent as the most honest face in wrastlin’. What fuckin’ honest man needs that many names and aliases? Nah. That’s a deadass giveaway that the motherfucker’s got enemies and lives on the run.”
“Dandy, why the fuck would a man on the run be on international fucking television?”
“Dunno. Maybe he fuckin’ stupid. Thems the only two explanations. That or he got some sort of terrible brain injury and keeps forgettin’ who he is… Shit. If that’s it, I’ma feel a little bad doin’ to ‘im what I gotta do. Maybe I’ll beat that ass so bad he forgets he stole Beau’s fuckin’ name.”
“It’s not like that was his choice. Torture and Camilla just kind of forced it…”
“Yeah, but Teo didn’t tell them it was fucked or nothin’. He just let it happen. He just stood by and waved the motherfuckers on. We talkin’ ‘bout a man’s fuckin’ identity! That ain’t just a game. That’s real fuckin’ life shit. I get it though. Ol’ Teddy’s been through so many fuckin’ identity changes, he prolly didn’t even bat an eye at forcing that shit on someone else. Pretty fucked still. I can’t stand for that kind of shit, Yaz. Just can’t do it.”
“So all of these match ups… not one of them is about the title?”
“Oh, I didn’t say that. Every fuckin’ one of ‘em is about my strap. And make no mistake, it’s my strap. Ain’t gettin’ it from me fuckin’ easy. Ain’t pryin’ that shit outta my hands unless I’m damn near dead again like Evo. If someone wants to take it, they better be ready to fucking kill Dandy DiVito, because that’s what it’ll take on Sunday and that’s what it’ll take every fucking time I step in that ring to defend this beauty. I ain’t Spenny or Allison, so no one should expect me to just gleefully laydown. I ain’t Alex, so you know I’m ready for this fight. I ain’t Odie who been watchin’ the sun set over his whole fuckin’ career for a clip. I ain’t Teddy who still gotta figure out that the first step to bein’ competitive in Action is knowin’ who the fuck you are. You know what I AM though?”
“What?”
“I AM DANDY FUCKIN’ DIVITO, CHAMPION OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ WORLD, AND I’M ROLLIN’ INTO AND OUTTA EXECUTION THE SAME FUCKIN’ WAY: SLINGIN’ THIS STRAP OVER MY SHOULDER IN CELEBRATION! Ain’t NOBODY else in that chamber gonna be sayin’ that shit, Yaz. NOBODY!”
Yaz smiles taking note of DD’s passion.
“Good. That’s what I want to see.”