Post by Sam Kidsgrove on Aug 18, 2019 7:47:07 GMT -5
Hippy fish people
By M Mouse
Story by Prince Eric
FADE IN
EXT - Disney Studios Backlot.
SAM KIDSGROVE - International champion, tag champion and part of the most dominant faction in Action Wrestling is standing nonchalantly talking to HALLE BAILEY, new Little Mermaid at a bank of cameras. She’s showing him concept designs of her in the new Little Mermaid film. A bevvy of camera crew are following him.
KIDSGROVE
Your costume looks wonderful! Congratulations, I think you’re gonna kill it.
HALLE
Thank you! Oh my gosh, when I got the call, though, it was like the worst nerves I’ve ever had.
KIDSGROVE
I know right? I mean it’s a big part, real big part. I would’ve auditioned for Eric if I was 20 years younger. Little Mermaid was my favourite Disney picture growing up.
HALLE
Really? Mine too! I just loved Kiss the Girl, It was awesome! I’m so excited about this! But tell me about you! I’ve not seen you in ages!
KIDSGROVE
Not since I put you in touch with Lonnie anyway! He’s a good agent, keep with him, kid he does me well.
HALLE
I can tell! What’s the entourage?
She gestures to the camera crew
KIDSGROVE
Oh, that’s just a documentary thing TFK has set up for Action Wrestling, they’re following me for a few weeks. You remember TFK right?
Halle shudders, she definitely remembers TFK
HALLE
Yeah, I can’t believe you joined him! He’s a bit of a creep, asked me to do a casting couch on my 18th Birthday. I suppose it worked out for you though. You’re like a two time champ now right?
KIDSGROVE
Yeah, dual champion. It’s been wild. I’m actually defending the tag against your new character’s namesake this Sunday. Fighting a woman called Ariel Shadows.
HALLE
Oh really! You fight women now? And where’s Shadow? I really have to thank him and Miyamoto for all the fashion advice they gave me when I was breaking through. So much help.
KIDSGROVE
He’s connecting with nature back in Japan - he tends to do that and as long as it works, who am I to say if he should carry on doing it! As for the fighting Ariel, well I’m not happy about it. No matter how many times I tell those idiots in charge that we’re not in 2001 any more and man v woman violence isn’t socially acceptable unless you’re a redneck Trump supporter who doesn’t support women’s rights at all. Guy makes me sick.
HALLE
Oh for sure, for sure.
KIDSGROVE
I mean honestly, how does he even sleep at night? The guy completely has no idea what it’s like to have progressive liberal values - he may as well be some monster truck owner or some crap.
A buzzer goes in the background while Halle Bailey’s phone simultaneously rings.
HALLE
Oh that’s me, I gotta go, we’ll catch up later, yeah?
KIDSGROVE
Alright, alright, alright. I’ll be in town in a couple of weeks, I’ll touch base then!
They hug before Halle hurries away, answering the phone and cursing at her agent. Kidsgrove turns to the camera crew.
KIDSGROVE
Disney, it changes you. That’s the Mouse all over, taking a sweet innocent girl and turning her into some sort of slave at the beck and call of her masters, no chance to breathe, no chance to think, no chance to do things that are important in life. It’s sad really, we're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are. I heard that quote once and it resonated with me. It’s how we as people are, we are so caught up in our constant need for validation, money and for the next big thing, we don’t appreciate what’s right in front of us we don’t live in the here and now.
Take Dream Daddy Wesley and Ariel Shadows for example. Their constant need to prove themselves, their constant need for validation and to make themselves the top dogs of the organisation? Pathetic. Oh but they do get high and live in the moment, so they’re free spirits some people have said. Isn’t that living life in the now?
No. It’s bullshit is what it is. It’s not living life, it’s not doing anything, this isn’t a Jay and Silent Bob movie for a start. Those guys were talented, at least until Clerks 2. Not like these pair of morons who just spout enough gibberish while high and then somehow worm their way into a title match. I still don’t understand how, in their high as hell state they managed to get past the so called Man Made Gods. I suppose that’s a question for another time though as we’re now focussed on these idiots. These velveteen wrestlers from behind the curtain with nothing but a dream, a joint and an old car.
Ariel Shadows, trying to be Janice Joplin, the 30 Rock version that Jenna played at least. Super talented apparently, highly regarded apparently, yet what’s she done? Won a couple of matches, lost, walked away, come back, won a couple more. Great career ms Mermaid. No wonder you get high as shit and don’t have any sort of backup plan other than Wesley. You’re actually just like your namesake you know. Not the Disney version though, that’s too clean and too good for you, you’re more like the fairy tale version of Ariel.
You see, Ariel, the Little Mermaid fell in love with Eric from the sea and had a spell cast on her so she could walk the earth and find him. Fair enough right? It happens in the movie too. However in the fairy tale, Ariel had horrible pain and bloody feet, she could barely walk with excruciating pain in every step that drove her to agony. She stumbled around trying to find her prince you see, stumbled around trying to find a happy ending so she could spend her time happily ever after with him. Every agonising step took her to him and she suffered greatly until one day she found him. She was so happy! This was until she saw that he’d married someone else because he loved another. So you know what she did? She had murderous thoughts! She got a knife! She was going to do it until she just couldn’t carry it through and went back to the sea and turned to foam.
This is Ariel Shadows all over. She’s there, stumbling around, thinking Dream Daddy Wesley will be the one to save her, to enlighten her, helping her to get her one true happy ending by becoming someone who means something in Action Wrestling. You see, she’s not happy enough in herself to become a strong independent woman, she doesn’t back herself enough, she doesn’t work on herself and her spirituality enough.
She has to hide her pain and her anguish by blazing up and becoming someone who’s a slave to chemical substances, rather than someone like me, who’s driven by the desire to be the best, driven by the desire to make The Hollywood Elite the IT thing in professional wrestling. She is in agony every moment she sparks up one of those blunts, every single one of them is designed to hide the pain she’s in until she finds her true self. Problem you have sweetheart is this is not a happy ending for you. Ignoring the fact you hitched your sea horse to the wrong post in Wesley, just like Ariel you’ll crash into the sea and turn into foam after this Sunday. You see the thing you want most, validation and the glory you seek is not coming your way. You won’t be able to take these titles away from The Hollywood Elite, you won’t be able to fulfil your dreams because we just don’t want you to. This is no Disney happy ending, this is no Disney musical feel good story, not for you. So why don’t you Hakuna Matata your way under the sea, because you’re not part of this world. This world is ours, you’re just a side story within it. Besides, you can’t be Disney’s Ariel. Thanks to the progressive nature of Hollywood and the fact that we care about social issues and justice, Ariel is now a person of colour. You’re just a basic bitch.
I know, Disney geeks are going to flip out because I used a Lion King reference in there, but you know what? Screw you, Lion King was a superior movie anyway.
As for you Dream Daddy Wesley, you 60s loving Woodstock going weirdo hippy trash, what the hell man? You realise we’re not in the dark ages anymore? This is 2019, we are socially responsible woke people in civilised society. You thinking that you can go around on roadtrips with your absolutely shocking miles per gallon ozone destroying car is killing the planet. It’s just absolutely disgraceful This isn’t Leaving Las Vegas, this isn’t Jay and Silent Bob, this is 2019. People are staying at home now, visiting their local cinema and doing projects in the community. Why? Because progressive liberals care about others, we care about art, community and beauty so we try to save the planet. Besides, crappy hippy festivals are dying because Hollywood IS the media of choice for everyone. People would much rather sit and watch a great film than go to a festival and have to share a toilet with the likes of you. I went to a festival once, it took 3 weeks to clean off the stench of BO from the likes of you and my god the weed? That isn’t a lifestyle, I’m surprised how you even put your shoes on, never mind actually win matches against false gods.
As I said before, you guys are like Jay and Silent Bob - with the exception that SIlent Bob is actually, you know, mostly silent. I wish you were because man, the shit that comes out of your drug riddled brain at times is probably worse than a tweet by your great orange president. I mean honestly man, what are you even doing? Do you think that teaming with Ariel is going to bring you some lucidity? Do you think that doing your mega blunt tour with a depressive emotionally vulnerable girl is going to somehow make you feel relevant or something? I mean really?
You know what they call a guy who does this by the way? A predator, and not in a Oh I’m a hunter who’s going to beat my guy in a wrestling match kinda way, more in a He’s a sexual deviant who should be on a register, keep him away from your kids, kinda way. I mean what’s your end goal here? Preying on vulnerable women is bad, we’re in 2019 buddy.
What’s your goal when she realises she’s better off without your protection? You gonna hit her? You gonna go down the route that so many drug addled failures go down? You gonna be a big man and make her fear for her life so she doesn’t leave your protection, then blame it on the drugs but do nothing to help yourself get away from them? Probably, it’s kinda sick you know. You could have legal highs, like the adrenalin you feel when you go and perform in front of millions of people to the best of your ability, with 2 brothers who have your back. You could be in peak physical condition and have the high of being the top of your profession, no two professions. You could have all that, but instead you act like a classic baby boomer - selfish, high, lazy and corrupt to the core. This Sunday you’ll come up against The Hollywood Elite and one thing is for sure, you can’t smoke your way out of losing to the Hollywood Elite, like a Star Wars sequel we are inevitable.
FADE OUT
END