putting the FUN in FUNERAL!

Scene opens outside of the St. Louis Cathedral in the French Quarter, down town New Orleans. It is one of the most iconic, masterful, and recognizable architectural landmarks in all of the French Quarter. The massive Catholic temple has stood in the center of the French Quarter, giving this country’s favorite secret sinners some much needed Jesus , jussst enough to keep the city from sinking beneath the surface and into the depths of hell like Sodom and Gromorrah before it.



This building has seen some of the most monumental events in the city and country’s history. And tonight ladies and gentlemen we assure you will be no different, because here tonight ladies and gentlemen the man known around the world as The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT has invited each and every single pair of eyes that finds this promo the right to gain some much needed closure and to say good bye once and for all closing one chapter and beginning the other. But we will let him tell you more about that in a few moments.



The camera view shows us the front of the Cathedral, as we see the street in front of it littered with a motley crew of some of the United States most unique souls. All along the street are groups waiting for everyone to arrive so that they may begin their specific tour of the city. There are also small wooden tables set up all along the street with men and women dressed like pirates, gypsies, or a Japanese female rock band, as they burn their candles, and lay down their tarot cards offering readings to tourists for a small nominal fee. Then there is our favorite the drunken soul who didn’t respect the rules of the French Quarter, and wound up drunker than they had ever been in their life, and the only refuge they could find were the benches along the street in front of St. Louis’s Church.



But as we get a warm view of all the people we hear one of the unmistakable sounds of the French Quarter, as almost a full Jazz band could be heard coming down the street. Many people then entered the scene, as we see the Jazz Procession leading a group of people whom despite the upbeat music seem deeply saddened. As the Jazz band reaches the large front doors of the Cathedral, they stop and begin to play a much more somber tune, as everyone’s head turns and we then see a large black casket being pushed in a straight line towards the door.



Pushing this mysterious casket is none other than the newest member of the aW roster. The man who debut last week by grabbing every member of the aW roster’s personal luggage cases and proceeded to douse them with his THC soaked urine. The DoN of DI$Re$PeCT HiMSELF. LA Johnny Stylez.



Johnny is decked out in a three piece black and white pin stirped suit. Johnny’s blue hair is gelled and neatly spiked as he removes his sunglasses and looks the crowd over as he seems to be a bit emotional. He then reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper which he unfolds and glances at, before he picks it up and lifts it for everyone to see before ripping it clean in half. Johnny then reaches back into his jacket pocket and removes his DAB pen and takes a rip. He exhales the smoke through his nostrils as he leans into the podium and begins to speak.



LA Johnny Stylez: Now I’m sure a lot of you are wondering just what in the hell is going on here? A funeral? For whom? None of you received any alerts on your iphones alerting you that the latest member of American pop culture has dropped dead. And to that I simply tell you that this death is not one that occurred all that recently…No this funeral procession is one that is indeed very long



!!!!OVeR F’N DuE!!!!

BeCauSe OBViOu$Ly SOME oF YaZ NeeD SOMe CLoSuRE!!!



…Not that any of you deserve it, as I have to admit I at the very least have actually become entertained by watching most of you running around desperately trying to avoid the truth, meanwhile the only thing most of you actually accomplish is proving to me and to anyone else with a lick of sense that most of if not all of you are way more pathetic than I originally gave you credit for, which please excuse me and take my word for it, as I promise you all right here and right now that is a



!!!!!Mi$TaKe!!!!!!

YOuRZ TRuLy WoNT Be MaKiN AGaIN!!!!



Call it a final courtesy call it what you want, but the reason I decided to return to the business of professional wrestling, was because it had become beyond apparent to me that you have all become clueless when it comes to this business and what the phuck it means to be apart of it! Either way this very elaborate demonstration is to prove to each and every single one of you who calls themselves an Action Wrestling



?SUPERSTAR??

…HA, RIGHHHHTTTTTTTT



Talk about using a term loosely! After weeks of listening to most of you ramble on incoherently, demonstrate before any of you reach the abysmal points you make each and every single week, just how clueless and undeserving of whats in front of you all as we speak. And it will be that fact where myself and a few others who I have found very much see things my way will use against you! You see today we all gather here today so that most of you can pay your final respects to the once world wide pro wrestling force that is now nothing more than a crypt full of nothing but nostalgia and meaningless moments that will in time fade just as the other countless promotions we have all seen open and close just as quickly! So ladies and gentlemen bow your heads…and for the LOVE OF GAWD



!!!!!!ReMaIN SiLeNT!!!!!

…AS THE GRAVE (HA SEE WHaT I DiD THeRE??)



And do whatever you have to do, and join me as we bid farewell to the promotion most of us once upon a time at one point or another called home…Ladies and gentlemen tonight we bury the Wrestling Championship Federation



!!!!!OnCe AND FoR ALL!!!!!

PeRHaPZ THeN The ReST oF YoU CaN JoIn US In THE PReSeNT!!!!



(As Johnny takes his place at the podium at the right corner of the altar to give his speech he nods his head as suddenly his two tiny body guards dressed in their matching black tuxedos appear from behind the casket. They are both wearing white gloves, as Dr. Chris Jacobi gets on all fours for his partner in crime Mr. Ronald Tibbz to stand on his back as he unfastens the locks of the casket. After finishing it Mr. Tibbz opens the casket and a definite gasp is heard throughout the crowd as they see an almost life like carcass of the man who used to run the Wrestling Championship Federation.



We have no got damn clue what happened to Seth Lurch, he could have been sold into sex slavery to cover his gambling debts for all we care or know, but that’s not the phucking point! The point is his wrestling promotion is dead and it’s time for it to be put to rest, and in order to do so sometimes people need a tangible signs that it is time to move on. So Johnny had a few of his contacts that worked for his PORN company Sweet Sinner use all of their knowledge and prop savy to create this carcass for all of our enjoyment. So Johnny lets everyone take it in before continuing his remarkable speech)



Now granted I will be the first to phuckin tell you that I am probably the last person that needs to be leading a service such as this…But unphuckinfortunatley the jerk offs that should be doing it, are no better than those dip shits that wear their highschool letterman jacket to their first day at college…Or that phuckin moron that graduated a year before you, but still came back to the PROM because his girlfriend is still in high school! Like those old jerk offs who hang out at their kids football practices telling stories about a time that was theres, about a time that has been in past and matters to only a select few…Yall pickin up what I’m laying down?



My first two weeks back in this place and every got damn curtain jerking phuck mook who cut a promo in this place insisted that they were someone worth listening to because once upon a time Seth Lurch used to allow you to waste the wrestling world’s time on his weekly television show, and some of them still find ways to mention that six months ago they were almost about to be a big deal in the WcF…And it was probably on the actual 875th time I heard someone run down their WcF accolades and accomplishments where I finally had enough and asked myself the same question I ask you asshatz now, and that my friends is…



?WHO GIVEZ A FLYING P.H.U.C.K??

…And More Importantly WHAT IN THE PHUCK DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ACTION WRESTLING?



And the answer is nothing!` And believe me morons I am not saying all this because I am bitter, because I didn’t stick around long enough to really have the type of career I should have in WcF…Yeah perhaps I may have only been there for a cup of coffee, but I can tell you petty small bus children that I accomplished more during my brief cup of coffee in the WcF than most of you accomplished the entire time you were there! Hell my resume unlike most of yourz is still relevant to this day! Because case and point, if there are any of you out there still not sure of just exactly who the phuck I am, why don’t you head over to Zombie McMorris’s Mother’s house, march right down to the basement and ask him about the time The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT gave him the



!!!!!F’N B.U.S.I.N.E.S.S.!!!!!!

AND TOOK BACK MY WCF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP!!!



Becoming the first two time Internet Champion in the process…So for those of you still having trouble keeping score at home…Not only did I beat the got damn breaks off of him, but it was one of the most historic ass beatings in the history of the WcF and the got damn



!!!!!!INTERNET!!!!!!!

…LiKe WHeN I WoN MY FiRST TiTLE FRoM SoMe CuRTaIN JeRkING JBRONE

?ODiN BaLFoRE??

And ThaT DIP SHITZ WAS IN MY FIRST 3 MoNTHZ!!!!



And I was actually only there for six! So you see I only bring it up to demonstrate that if we are playing the WcF pissing contest my accomplishments speak for themselves just as most of you think yourz do. But I am here today to inform you phuck mooks of something most of you should have been told a long time ago, from jump street if it were up to me, and that my friends is actually quite simple…And it’s that all of you can take everything you accomplished in the WcF, and phuck while you are at it, just for fun why don’t you throw in the shit you were close to, or hoping to one day accomplish…Take everything you can find that has to do with the WcF…and wait hold on..I need everyone to stop what they are doing and



!!!!!PAY ATTENTION!!!!!

BeCaUsE THiS IS THE MoST IMPoRTANT PaRT!!!!



Take everything about you that has to do with the WcF, find a public restroom, pick out a stall (not it doesn’t matter which one) and then of course drop it in there with the rest of the



!!!!!S.H.I.T.!!!!!

THE WORLD DEPOSITED IN THERE AND THEN GIVE US A

!!!!!F.L.U.S.H.!!!!!

…Meh BeTTeR GiVe IT ANOTHER FLUSH JUST TO BE SURE!!!!



Because I’m afraid Ive got some bad news asshatz! WcF is as dead as the rest of the stiffs in this funeral home! And what you had done over there matters about as much as your grandparents VHS COLLECTION! The one and only thing any and all of you should concern yourselves and the rest of the people that watch this crap you put on week to week is what’s going on here, today…IN THE ONLY PHUCKING WRESTLING COMPANY THAT MATTERZ! The banner under which we all practice our craft is known as



!!!!ACTION WRESTLING!!!!!

And BeFoRE MY TiMe IS DoNe HERE THAT NaME WILL MeaN MoRE THAN

!!!!!WcF LiTe!!!!!

THAT YOU MISERABLE PHUCK STAINZ HAVE SADDLED IT WITH!!!!



And the ones who are most responsible for this will answer to me, and they will pay a price more than their useless carcasses are worth, and believe me when I tell you mongoloidz that it’s gunna cost a whole hell of a lot more than all of your two centz combined to even make a dent in the debt I have come to collect! Which then brings us to I guess a more important question, as to just who in the hell does this LA Johnny Stylez cat think he is? And what right does he have to pass judgment on any of you for any of the moronic, pathetic, and forgettable shit the so called talent of aW does on a weekly basis? And well fortunately for everyone all of those questions have one very simple answer…So let’s quit dickin around and I’ll go ahead and break it down for you. Which yo if there are any of you in the aW locker room that haven’t removed your head from your anal cavity as you were advised to do earlier, please do yourself and the rest of the world a favor and take advantage of the opportunity being gifted to you now…Go ahead…



!!!!!I’LL WaIT!!!!!

LoRD KNoWZ FoR SoMe oF YoU THiS IS a RaTHeR PaINFuL ReQUeST!!!!



But iregardless it makes no got damn difference to me if you know me, knew me, or have never seen me before in your life, because from this moment everyone in Action Wrestling will know good and got damn well two very important thingz…



~$~ NuMeRo UnO ~$~

MY NAME IS LA JOHNNY STYLEZ…AND I’M

!!!!!!#F’NBeTTeRTHaNu!!!!!!



Because one thing I have noticed about this younger generation is that for the most part all of you for whatever reason cannot stand the truth or anything that has to do with it. You would rather remain hidden behind the personas the safety of the internet provides you so that you are able to run your cocksucker’s to anyone and everyone who will listen…And I guess eventually it’s only a matter of time before you start to drink your own kool aid and before you know it you are drunk on your own bullshit, mix that in with your douche bag sense of entitlement as well as your complete and absolute refusal to even pretend to hold yourselves accountable for anything, and you will find yourselves glaring into the depths of what appears to be an utterly hopeless future. Fortunately not all of us who are capable of bringing about the change that is necessary are cut from the same cloth the alleged veterans of this company have done so far.



Because while I did return to the ring because there is nothing in this world I love more than the look in a man’s face as well as the countless looks on the faces of his fans as I take their hopes, dreams, and aspirations and splatter them all over the ring canvas the same way I do their blood throughout the course of the match, the main reason I decided to risk it all for one last run is because obviously the majority of you talentless phuck moox need to be taught! You need to be shown what it takes to be a real superstar, and you need to be taught this lesson



!!!!THe HaRD waY!!!!

AND WHO BETTER TO TEACH IT THAN THE DON OF DI$RE$PECT???



So from this moment on boys and girls you will learn to leave the past in the past, quite frankly because sooner rather than later it will be the only place some of you can escape to where you still matter, where your name is spoken with any kind of reverence or respect! Cause I’ll tell you asshatz right here and right now you’ll get neither of those things from me! Going forward I’d like you all to know that I won’t stop until Action Wrestling is the only wrestling promotion on this planet that is home to the true elite of this sport! From this day forward unless you accomplish it here then you haven’t accomplished shit! WcF is dead and the sad truth most of you are going to have to face is that people can point to whatever reason or excuse they’d like but at the end of the day if you want to judge the guilty for the crime of murdering one of the most cutting edge, innovative, and competitive wrestling promotions the wrestling business has ever known then all you need to is



!!!!!LooK iN2 A F’N MiRRoR!!!!!

…AND KNOW THAT THE TIME TO PAY FOR THOSE CRIMES IS RAPIDLY APPROACHING!!!



So ladies and gentz…Take these final moments…Take as long as you need! Say your prayers, make your peace, show your respects…But the next fool that mentions the WcF is going to need a crack team of medical specialists to try and devise a way to surgically remove my foot from your ass! There is a war coming Action Wrestling…This day was always coming and in the back of your minds you knew it…You had to! Because bullshit only lasts for so long! So incase me urinating all over your personal belongings wasn’t enough, aW, then after you have made your peace with the past, take a deep breathe, stand up, and open your eyes and into a very uncertain and dangerous future! Because I’d like to take this very important opportunity to make sure you all understand loudly and phucking clearly that as of this very moment each and every single one of you has been put on notice and I can assure you that Seth Lerch and the WcF isn’t the only thing I put to rest during my time here in Action Wrestling! So you can take that shit and put it on the short list of death and taxes as the only guarantees you’ll ever receive in this life! And while you’re at it, why don’t you also make use of this wonderful opportunity I have given you to take a moment to



!!!!!SoaK!!!!!!

!!!!!SoMe!!!!!

!!!!!!!UP!!!!!!

Then MaKe SuRe SoMeOnE CaLLz THE FaT LaDY AND TeLL THaT BITCH SHE’Z ON IN 5!



…See ya around aW!



And with that Johnny takes a step back from the podium, and reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a platinum cigarette case with the numerals 4:19 engraved on the side. He pops it open and removes one of his hand rolled cigarettes and pops it in his mouth. He cups his hands to light it, and as the smoke rises into the air and vanishes, we see him take a deep drag and exhales the smoke through his mouth and nostrils as he looks around the room at all the saddened WcF fans who have come face to face with the reality that it is sad but very true that WcF is D-E-D DEAD!



So as the camera pans around the room finally the arrogant smirk of the man known around the world as the Paragona of Americana finally returns to his face, as he notices and begins to remember that look! The look of people having to choke down reality’s they fooled themselves into believing they would never have to face, and it gave him a sick feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction he hasn’t felt since he left the business seven years ago! There is a drastic change coming ladies and gentlemen and you can feel it…



Well we know you can because Johnny went to great lengths to make sure that you could. Which explains why after giving his speech he stopped to smoke his cigarette while taking a look at the cold pale lifeless face of former WcF owner Seth Lurch as his body lay stuffed in the casket. Johnny then turns around attempting to go back to his seat, but before his foot can touch the final step down off the altar, a sick sadistic smile consumes the face of the Paragona of Americana, as he turns around and puts his black rayban sunglasses on, and his cigarette back in his mouth as he walks over to the casket and looks down at his former employer!



He checks him up and down as he mockingly shakes his head as he enhales and exhales the smoke from his cigarette onto the carcass of former WcF owner, and then in one sudden and precise move Johnny thrust kicks the casket causing it to tip over. And as the marble and wood casket smacks the ground it makes a sickening thud that echoes through the halls of one of the most beautiful churches in south Louisiana. The body Johnny’s contacts from the Hollywood studio made of Seth Lerch lies motionless on the ground as Johnny shakes his head laughing to himself as he steps over the body as someone steps over a puddle. Johnny then flicks whats left of his cigarette onto the body of the deceased as the camera slowly fades as we watch the tip of the cigarette but burn a hole in the white dress shirt of Seth Lerch’s fake corpse, leaving you with the notion that the aW you lived in yesterday no longer exists, that Johnny was right there is change coming, and every got damn bit of this…



…HaS BeeN YoUR Plea$uRE!!!!