Post by Sandy Coconutz on Apr 19, 2019 14:57:55 GMT -5
Y O U S O B A S I C
Planet Gymnastics. Sacramento, CA.
:: The doors looked to be twenty feet tall and girl was shrinking like she was about to go up a mad gods asshole. My heart tried beating, it honestly did but it fell into my chest. OK Girl, you got this. Take a deep breath. Its only been a couple of years. Its just like riding a bike or a BBC; you never forget. My gym bag tried to turn away but we in this together. Forever. I step inside and take off my sunglasses. There were women all over doing floor routines and double bar, doing flips and twists. Fist fuck me till Friday, I dunno if I can do this. No, no girl, you got this. This is my body and I will not be intimidated. I’ve been doing this since I was six years old. I’m better than all these basic bitches. The balance beam and the floor routine were my true blues and girl, let me tell you that I needed and old friend in times like these. I walk over to and get on the balance beam. ::
:: Extend arms. Twirl wrist. Smile. What comes next? OMG what comes next? One, two step, into front over cart wheel - nope - nope. Ya girls too fat. Girls too fat. HALP. SOS. SOS Send a pint of Chunky Monkey and a copy of the Notebook cuz ya girls going down like pledge week. UGH, I just landed on my ass. Totes embazz. ::
“ Hang on, here, I’ll help you up. “
Sandy Coconutz: Thanks girl.
:: Extend the arm, pull this girl up. Pick the wedge out my butt crack. Perfect.::
“ You’re Sandra Castraldi, Right? Sandy C? I saw your talk at Berkeley the other week. You were great. It was so empowering. Your post modern take of Feminism in the Social Media was fantastic. What are you doing at here?”
Sandy Coconutz: You know, just trying to get reacquainted with my bars and my blessed self. Girls gotta keep it goin.
“ Yah, I can see that.”
:: Listen Becky with those flat ass biscuits in the back, don’t be throwing shade cuz you don’t want any of this; ok? You don’t know me. You don’t. Fuckin Tormond Giantsbaine lookin, banana shaped ass. But ya girl is classy and just throws out a smile. ::
Sandy Coconutz: Well, you know.
:: That's right bitch, take this implied forced expression. Eat this dick. Its an 'innie' so you'll have to get your tongue all up in there. ::
“ Well, it was nice meeting you.”
Sandy Coconutz: Aww, you too, girl.
:: Kiss. kiss. Blegh, ew. Fucking custy hoe. As she walks away she turns and smiles so I just throw up my hand and wiggle my fingers. ::
Sandy Coconutz: Bye girl.
:: Cunt. ::
:: I turn and look at the balance beam.::
Sandy Coconutz: You and me; this ain’t ovah.
A N E X C E I T E D E D I T I O N
Hi, you’ve reached Sandy C. I cant come to the phone right so if you could please leave a quick message I’ll get back to you when I can. If this is about a booking, please contact my email. Thanks. Kisses. Byeee.
Hi Sandra, this is Torture over at Action Wrestling. We got your inquiry and we are interested in having you. If you could call us back at 555-555-2273, we can get started on the paperwork. We know from your past that you’ll be a exciting edition to our roster.
:: This was it. Ya girls back in the game. I haven't wrestled in a few years but so what; you know? I can still do it. I can still fight. And after what happened to me at Saturns, ya girls gotta show the world that women can take care of themselves. We arnt victims. We are not defined by our trauma. We are strong independent and fierce. I’m coming to Action Wrestling and the #Fierce_Fem will be on full display. ::
“ But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams” - He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven. W.B. Yeats.
B L E S S U P
J-Baz and Pedro in the Morning on KWPX. The Hit sounds of the 90’s.
:: The both was small and cramped and smelled like unwashed man-sack and not in the hot way, but in the gross, hot pocket diet at 3AM kinda way. Gross. These were grown ass men, how do you not wash your cruddy selves when you wake up in the morning? I mean, when will men learn that axe body spray does not equal quality shower time. Guys, seriously, get in there and scrub that funk clean off your ass crack. Aint no girl gonna let you grind up on here with you smelling like a crossfit hobbit. PAH-lease. J-Baz and Pedro were nice enough, I guess. They were standoffish-ly creepy but you know ladies, we used to that.We shouldnt be though. They smiled and were as pleasant as men could be, I suppose. They had coffee and danishes but I’m not about that transfat life. hard pass, K thx, bye. My red lipstick stained my white paper coffee cup as I swiveled slightly in my chair, waiting for us to come back on the air in 5.. 4..3.. 2.. ::
J-Baz: Hey, we’re back. Its J-Baz and Pedro in the morning here on KWPX and the sounds of the nineties. As promised we have a very special and may I say, very attractive guest on with us this morning. You may have seen her at the club, you may have seen her at your university. The lovely, the renowned, Sandra Castraldi, aka, Sandy C, aka Sandy Coconutz. So Sandy, how are you doing this morning?
Sandy Coconutz: I’m doing very well, thank you. How about yourselves?
J-Baz: I think we’re good, although Pedros still a little worn out from all that border jumping he did last night.
:: Internal screaming. ::
Pedro: Yah, if that border was named mama J-Baz
* zing. *
:: Beyonce, bless up. Send help ASAP. ::
J-Baz: So Sandra, do you have any speaking engagements that you want to tell our listeners about?
Sandy Coconutz: I actually do not. I don’t have anything planned right now. I had some club gigs lined up but I canceled them. Hashtag Me Too. I just want to take a quick moment to say that I was assaulted at a club. I won’t say which one but I was attacked and groped. So I just want to say to all the fine Femmes out there to protect yourselves at all times. You are not a victim and you are not an object. Your clothes do not make you a target. Be free in your own skin and be comfortable wherever you’re at. Be safe and make sure any man that enters your space respects your divine femme energy.
Pedro: What is divine femme energy?
Sandy Coconutz: Its who we are as people and as women. That needs to be respected at all times. Men need to know that they just cant go around and do what they please. This isnt the 1600s. This is 2019. Pedro, I’m a well, well, suuuper educated women and let me tell you that women will be taking whats theirs in society.
Pedro: So you’re all about the female empowerment. What if I guy tell you that he wants dinner at six?
Sandy Coconutz: Then we bess be at the restaurant at five thirty cuz ya girl does not like to be late. Bless up to that. Believe me.
J-Baz: So Sandra, if you’re not working clubs or speaking, what are you up to?
Sandy Coconutz: I just recently joined Action Wrestling. After I was assaulted at the club, I saw this poster on a street pole and as some of you may or may not know, I used to wrestle for a short time but hosting just kinda took off. But I’m back now. Its official. I’m going to be in the Havoc Rumble and I’ll be competing for a chance to be the number one contender for the world championship.
J-Baz: Theres already a lot of female talent in Action Wrestling though, how do you think you’ll be able to compete?
:: Compete? Hah! I’mma fuck all these twerk nasty bitches up. ::
Sandy Coconutz: Well, the long answer is that I’m simply better than any women currently in Action Wrestling. Nobody believes Lizzie Hope and her faux tough chick personality. I mean, like, so what that she can string together a few insults. I guess its easy to do however, when your face is an insult to Femininity everywhere. Shes talking all hard but shes doesnt know the meaning of it. That's the problem with all the women in Action Wrestling. They all want to prove that they can hang with the men or that they are soo damn classy. Its like their scripts are written by men that aint never seen a women or just think that, that's what a women would sound like. Its gross and its pathetic. That goes for the Karlie Nashs to the Niki Vaughns, to the Casey Holidays. Your sad representation of the Divine Femme is gross and misaligned. That's why I’m back because with Jesus this woman can do everything.
:: + 1 to Jesus. Sup, sup, sup. ::
Sandy Coconutz: I mean, everything that they all do seems so, like, forced and contrived and wholly unnecessary. I don’t find them believable in any capacity and that is just sad. So to the women as a whole group, ya’ll be on notice. I’m not a bad bitch, I’m the SEA BITCH. I’m Beach Krew through and through and I’ll knock your veneers out cha skulls and watch you give birth to chiclets out that ghastly fart box you call a vagina. I’m not going to sit here and pick on them one by one because the women as a group are disgusting and petty to a fault and its grossto see that glorified on TV.
Pedro: I heard that you get drunk before your matches, is that true? Don’t you think that you’re sending out a bad message?
Sandy Coconutz: What message, that I’m secure in myself and the expression of that self? Because that's what that is. I will not apologize for being the proud woman that I was raised to be. Emulate me outside the ring, not inside. That's the thing about all these women, one day they want to be hero, a goddess and a fighter. Pah-lease, that's just not how that works. Aint nobody looking up to them as a femme paragon of virtue, success or anything else.
J-Baz: What do you think about Casey Holiday; arguably one of the most successful women in Action Wrestling.
Sandy Coconutz: I mean, like, sure, she’s great and all and she retired the UCI championship but now shes still gotta prove that she can be world champion and I’m just not convinced that she can do it. She *might* be a good competitor but shes not your girl, Sandy C. And like, I know that a lot of people don’t know me and lets face it, nobody knows me. They don’t know me but like, I understand that I might be overlooked and honestly, I’m ok with that. Overlook the strongest women in the company and watch what happens, just you watch and see as four foot- eleven, little ol’ Sandy Coconutz uses her brains and her wits to eliminate people from this match one after the other and we can have a true Beach Krew Battle for the World Championship.
Pedro: Do you know where you’re going to be placed, do you think that might have a factor?
Sandy Coconutz: It certainly plays a factor but I don’t know where I’ll be placed. I know that Divito will be first and Lincoln will be last so they can game plan for that all they want but they cant game plan for the wildest girl on the roster. I know that these two have been in the company and they *want* to make a name for themselves but if they havnt yet then I don’t see how it’ll manifest itsself in this match; not when you have Beach Krew city all up in here, ready to take everyone down. I mean, Jared Holmes, the six god himself is in this match and ya’ll want to think that Divito and Lincoln are contenders? Like, serious, get the eff right outta town and don’t come back/ Pack your bags and I’ll SEA you never. You just embarrassed yourself. This is a Beach Krew kinda night and I’m the hashtag BK princess. Its smashed or be smashed and trust ya girl, this slam pigs ready to party and eliminate two fucbois named Divito and Lincoln.
J-Baz: Do you have any words for your Beach Krew teammates?
Sandy Coconutz: To Wade and Kemp and Andre and Joey and even to my homie Jim Thuggin - ya girls kummin home and we gone get this done right up in here but know for a straight up fact that 2019 is the time for the divine femme and I’m taking this match. We’ve all seen you, we’ve all heard you but now everyone's going to hear me and my loud as mouth aint got no filter and ya girl aint no chill. It don’t matter if your names Casey Holiday or Alex Richards or Spencer Adams or even those skuzzie cowboys from hell. I’m not here as a talent enhancer. I’m just here to enhance the divine femme and make sure that the world knows the name of Sandy Coconutz.I’m here to change the world and that starts at Havoc and ends never. OK? Like serious, you don’t know me but you will. This is about Evolution- a femme-o-lution.
Pedro: Do you think your size will come into this, I would think you’d be better in that other division - whats it again?
Sandy Coconutz: 201? And no. Go kill yourself. The Divine Fem is not about putting lables on yourself and putting yourself in boxes. Its about exploring and mastering yourself as a woman and accepting all that you are. 201 might have a lot on their plate but in all honesty, that's their problem. QDT might have his hands full but if he’s in that ring with me, he’s going to get a hand full of these 36 double SEAs cuz I’m more than he or the entire 201 division can handle. To Wrestler X to Perez to Lopez and Vayden - which by the way is a dumb name and ya momma shoulda left you in that truck stop sink where she done did birth ya goofy ass. Seriously, hows anyone supposed to get exceited to see ‘wrestler X’ or dudes so generic, that they get glanced over. Ya girl on the other hand isnt generic. There is only one Sandy C and you’ll all be meeting her LIVE at the Golden 1 Center in just a few short days.
J-Baz: About the heavy hitters? I mean, we already talked about Casey Holiday at length but what about Alex Richards, who some people think is a front runner?
Sandy Coconutz: Have any of those people seen Alex Richards wrestle or his career? Its a sad stump that never grew wasting away in a forest that time forgot. He has always been a mildly supportive, supporting character. Just because he got a taste of success doesnt he that can he replicate that success here in Action Wrestling. All of Beach Krew are better than he is; even me with my four foot eleven, big booty bouncing, kinda way. I’m here to be the best women and to be the best women I need to be world champion and I’ll go through Lockheart and the rest of my BK bois if I have to. They know I’m cray-cray. They know I’ll do it. Like I said, its a smashed or be smashed kind of world and Richards has been smashed on for so long, the only thing he knows is how to be the bottom N’ he’ll know that bottom when I throw him over the ropes and eliminate is whack ass.
Pedro: I heard that Connor McGregor is going to be in the match. How do you feel having a MMA star in there with you?
Sandy Coconutz: First of all, Connor weighs as much as my left tit and he can suck that left tittay if he thinks he’s going to get far in this match. Second of all, I’ve seen him box and he cant throw a punch and he has no stamina and that's what you need in this match. You need to be able to go the distance and lert tell you that this girl is in her sexual prime and the distance is all that go bhey-bea! Sandy Coconutz doesnt go hard, I go real and its about to get real up in here, if you know what I’m sayin.
J-Baz: Another guy that's looking to make an impact is Aemon MacAteer whos looking to prove that size isnt everything. At six one and two hundred pounds, I guess he’s on the small side for wrestling.
Sandy Coconutz: I’m sorry did you say six foot one? That's small? I’m under five feet and I’m conquering the world. Just imagine if ya girl was that tall. If Eamon is having self confidence issues, tell him to go on Adam and Eve dot com and get himself a penis pump because that whole issue sounds bedroom related and since he’s carrying that on his back like a cross, then you know that it must be true. Don’t expect him to get anywhere or do anything except be eliminated by your girl.
Pedro: Another question; arnt there a lot of really big guys in here? I mean, like towering, huge monsters?
Sandy Coconutz: Titan and Bishop and Bobby Rage; you mean those guys?
J-baz: I heard him the other week, people think he’s a joke.
Sandy Coconutz: He said it, not me but if that's your energy going into this, then that's the energy and result that you’re going to get. I heard ZMAC say something about big dick energy, well this is big clit energy. This is that Devine Femme I’m talking about. Aint nobody wants to see a guy whos opening line to the company that he thinks of himself as a joke. Are you fah serious people? I mean I’m glad he wasted a good opportunity; it just means that he’ll do it again. It’ll be hard to get him out but a punta-cunt-eana works every time. Then you have Bobby Rage whos excited about breakfast because ma’am, this is a Wendys and aint nobody there gets paid to make sure things get paid for. I’m glad that the height of his personality and what he does in a free time. But like, doesnt that just bleed world champion? I mean, he got free breakfast sausage - watch out, we got a world champion on our hands. The big men in this company are flipping sad. S-A- Double D - SADD.
Pedro: But I saw that guy lift a 400 pound fridge.
Sandy Coconutz: It must have been made out of wishes and dreams because he’s dreaming if he thinks he’s going to eliminate me from this match. Theres no good big men in this company and its nearly heartbreaking that a sport dominated by big, huge, monster men, as you put it, cant even produce favorable results. I guess the monster in me will have to do.
J-Baz: Do you know who my pick is to win, aside from you of course, NvL.
Sandy Coconutz: Now, I mean, that's an interesting choice. It could happen but NvL has gotten too self absorbed and that's clear. This business, in the short time that I’ve been in it, doesnt work that way. I mean, he’s earned it but nows the time you really gotta earn it. The question is: does he want it that bad or does he just want to, want it that bad? I might be a featherweight but I’m not a pushover. I ran with a rough crowd for a reason and I’ll get in there with NvL and I’ll super kick his chest tattoos all the way on the other side of his back. My cliche kick aint no joke and I’m joking when I’m sitting here telling you point eff’in blank that NvL diesnt scare me. OK? He just doesnt scare me I’m here to be the best in the world; he’s here to be the best in his mind and I aint got time for that. Everyone wants to be a front runner fo sho but I’m about to circumvent convention and turn Action Wrestling on its head. I’m the missing part of Beach Krew and I got the Brains as well as the bra to make up everything that I say. If anyone has a problem with that, I’ll see them in the ring and we’ll square it out there but this Devine Femme is going to dominate. Trust ya girl.
J-Baz: We’re about any time, do you have any closing words for our listeners?
Sandy Coconutz: I’d like to leave off with a quote from my bea, Walt Whitman and that's: “ Resist much, obey little.” That's my attitude going into this match. Resist all that fake ass drama that people wana talk cuz I aint got timer for that and I’m not going to obey these words that a woman cant compete in a mans world in a mans match for whats always been seen as a mans championship. This is the biggest elimination match there is for a chance to go onto the biggest event that there is and I’m not about to let that slip through my fingers,
Believe. Your. Girl.
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