Post by T.F.K. on Aug 19, 2018 20:31:05 GMT -5
(TFK) V/O
The fight broke out right before my very eyes, the kind that normally is displayed in a shoot’em up bar saloon western, but the difference, this cinematic delight was filled with Seattle's Best and giant man babies who thinks it's cool not to be cool… Shaw leaped into action because a greased up handlebar mustache wearing hipster made fun of his beer of choice and said IPAs are king. Zander stood on a karaoke stage singing “Blitzkrieg Bop” and surprisingly slaying it as Craig argued with his wife in the far corner of the bar… But as all of this shit storm was unfolding, I could only think about all the hell that lead to this very moment…
The film footage stops as if an omnipotent figure pushed the rewind button on life and the entire night scrambles until we stop inside of the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts. A beaten TFK stumbles down the hallway with Craig playing human crutch for him assisting as he goes. They run into Zander who is holding Thad’s locker room door open.
(Zander Hobbs)
Get in here, Cham-
Craig delivers a “what the fuck, man” look and Zander pulls back.
(Zander Hobbs)
Sorry… Come on in boss…
The three shuffle into the locker room and Thad folds himself up as tight as possible as he falls into a black leather recliner. Craig and Zander pull up black folding steel chairs.
(Craig)
You have nothing to be ashamed of, Thad…
(Zander Hobbs)
It's true, sir. This whole ordeal reminds me of my old boss in fact… Kevin Bishop lost his WCF People's Championship to that no good #BeachKrew bastard, Jared Holmes, just as he was going to defeat Teo Del Sol’s record of longest reigning champion… Do you know what he did after that?
Thad still zones out, but Craig is compelled by Zander's story.
(Craig)
What did he do, Zander?
(Zander Hobbs)
He went on to become THEE GREATEST WORLD CHAMPION IN UCI HISTORY!
Zander throws up a thumbs up.
(Zander Hobbs)
True story.
(Craig)
This is the same guy who's choking harder than Stormy Daniels on the the President’s thick as of late?
Zander shrugs.
(Zander Hobbs)
I don't know, man… He's working on getting his mojo back, i guess.
Zander boops the nose of a very zoned out TFK.
(Zander Hobbs)
It's your time to move past that US trinket and aim higher, boss.
Craig nods and gives Zander a thumbs up.
(Craig)
He's right, man and we all know this is YOUR picture, so it's about time you get back to correcting this production.
Zander grabs his phone that's vibrating.
(Zander Hobbs)
Well this just in… You have a main event match on Clash next week against #FightSmart…
Thad uncoils a bit at the mention of main eventing.
(Craig)
Oooo, see a nice main event match next week… And where's that talentless hack, Kidsgrove at on the card?
(Zander Hobbs)
Answer… He's not even on the CARD…
(Craig)
See? He gets your title and then gets to sit at home while you go on to show the WORLD that you are Wrestler of the Year material and you belong in that main event scene.
Thad shrugs a bit wiping tears and snot from his face.
(Zander Hobbs)
Besides, you owe Spencer Adams an Armageddon size beat down and it's about time you put that gold digger, Lincoln NOT SO “COOL”ley down once and for all. His mouth writes checks… So many damn checks and no one has been able to make the poor thought stick in his head that his ass can't cash them.
Craig pats Thad on the back.
(Craig)
It's time to buck up…
(Zander Hobbs)
Besides, you're teaming with the longest reigning tag champs in PW:K this week.
(TFK)
Really?
Craig and Zander both nod.
(TFK)
Main event with Power Word:Kill?
Craig and Zander nod again.
(TFK)
Teaming with TFK?
Craig and Zander nod in unison hanging onto every word.
(TFK)
Versus the broken shell of whatever is remaining of #FightSmart?
(Craig)
Yes…
(Zander Hobbs)
Yes, boss…
Thad sits up in his chair with a slight smile on his face.
(TFK)
Well… Might as well get those chubs ready to be firmly put in an upward position, because this is going to be a ride’em hard and put’em away wet kind of match… Tort, Digger, Stasiak, and the very fiber of the universe is pulling true power together… Dominance has been shown by TFK and PW:K since the first days of their title reigns… I may not get over my lose over night here, but I'm not going to shirk my duties next week in that main event match…
Then the door is kicked in with Felix and Shaw standing before TFK and his entourage.
(TFK)
Felix?
(Felix)
Damn right, Felix. You going to keep crying in Zander’s breast milk or are you coming to Portland with us?
(Craig)
I have heard there's nothing more legendary than a PW:K road trip…
Shaw looks at Zander with disgust and Zander awkwardly smiles at him.
(Zander Hobbs)
Don't worry I'll bring snacks…
Shaw rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
(Shaw)
Bullocks…
Thad stands up and shrugs.
(TFK)
Portland or bust…
(TFK) V/O
If you believed that a simple road trip to Portland, Oregon from Boston, Massachusetts was going to be a simple one… Well, you haven't watched a TFK produced promo before… 3,091 miles a day and 21 hours… This was going to be my love letter to the fucking Bandit…
(TFK) V/O
We are West Bound and Sound… Loaded up and trucking… We're going to do what they say can't be done… Roll that video monkeys!
The Smokey and the Bandit theme plays as we roll on.
A b-roll of a bad helicopter view of a Mazda Miata being quickly followed by a black Escalade speeding down a busy highway.
(TFK) V/O
Shenanigans was a foot and the one of the receiving end was Zander. I wasn't sure how well PW:K and I would mesh outside of the interwebs, but how they poke fun at my boys in the very same fashion as I do, I have no doubts that we are cut from the same cloth.
The two vehicles pull off at a rest stop somewhere in Ohio and Zander makes a diarrhea run toward the bathrooms gripping his ass hole. Everyone else stretches their legs next to their respected cars.
(Felix)
Is that guy alright?
(TFK)
His snacks consisted of homemade apple sauce that was left in the glove compartment of the Escalade and a pack or RedBull… Needless to say, he's going to be Eastbound and Down for a minute or two…
(Shaw)
He's a crazed cracker who's a few pence short of a quid…
Craig stares dumbfoundead at Shaw.
(Craig)
So these # guys are a threat, right?
(Felix)
#FightSmart has become a disgrace of itself ever since Adams lost his title… Hell they're a FarCry from their original group and with three mouth pieces chomping at the same main event bit, it's not hard to see they're not on the same page at all.
(TFK)
Craig is just worried that Ol’ Stella lost her groove here and she needs to get it back…
(Shaw)
Whoa mate, you planning on giving a Jamaican man your thick?
Craig laughs.
(Craig)
You should've gone with an Austin Powers reference, Thad.
(TFK)
Long story short, I lost my mojo and I'm out to prove I'm not damaged goods.
At that moment, the guys turn to see a yelling Zander Hobbs barreling down the sidewalk from the bathrooms followed by a large trucker smiling zipping his pants up.
(TFK)
The fuck happen there, Zander?
Zander hangs his head.
(Zander Hobbs)
I got… I got… I got Hostessed…
Craig busts out laughing as the others shrug.
(Craig)
Where's the cream fillin’, Zander?
Zander shakes his head in shame.
(Zander Hobbs)
In my… belly…
(Shaw)
Thad… Your mates…
Thad chuckles.
(TFK)
Yeah I know…
Everyone returns to their vehicles and the adventure continues down the road. Return the b-roll of the two cars driving down the busy highway with the zooming by scenery.
(TFK) V/O
The day was one filled of Zander bashing which really lifted my spirits after taking the L from Kidsgrove and losing my US title… The critics eating me alive after my loss telling me I didn't show how much my US title meant to me… As if it was some ex-wife finally telling me why our relationship fell apart because I didn't make her special anymore… I digress on the matter because my friends and those whom I respect in this industry are attempting to bring me out of my rut with this road trip… Zander trying to represent Action Wrestling at the same level of Lincoln Kuechly by performing “action” in a truck stop bathroom definitely brought a smile to my face… As well as what I'm doing now…
Zander drives the car as Thad stretches to the backseat where Craig is snoring with his mouth open. Thad draws a very articulate throbbing dick that is ejaculating in Craig's open mouth. Zander notices and starts roaring with laughter which jostles Craig awake enough to shrug it off as Thad quickly returns to his seat.
(TFK) V/O
I don't know how I got stuck with these two but I wouldn't trade them for the world…
The b-roll continues this time fading images of popular monuments appear.
(TFK) V/O
As proven time and time again, my boys aren't my muscle… So when I go back to Spencer Adams getting the better of me, I take the losses in stride because I know my US title reign did more for Action Wrestling than his and Link's reigns combined. The broken shell of #FightSmart doesn't bother me either, because I can feel the kind of chemistry with Shaw and Felix that you can't play out in a freakin movie. I watch as all the members of #FS claim they're destined for that top spot and all that tells me is there going to be resentment if there isn't already… Or Link is too delusional to know that he's being dragged along with no real pay off waiting for him… I mean I've seen that movie and it was fucking Spicoli, Sean Penn himself playing a damned retard trying to keep his daughter… And before you question me about I Am Sam, just know that, it's a movie on Link’s level. I do not fear our opponents this week because they've already been exposed by my partners at every turn. Felix and Shaw are the most dominant tag team in Action Wrestling and that's exactly why they've held their tag titles for so long. No matter how you look at our collective records, you can't honestly discredit any of it. You can try, because many have fucking tried, but the truth of the matter is located in the record books. We weren't fluke champions and we weren't fucking place holders. We look like a dominant former US Champion teaming with a dominant current tag team on paper… And we're still more of a force to be reckoned with than #FightSmart. Kyle Kemp is talented and it's a shame he's painted as a simpleton yes man with Link, following and waiting for the scraps to fall from Spencer Adams’s table on high… To let you in on a little secret, his table is always a table for one, which is surprising because I would think his ego would demand its own seat as well… Crazy how I get to cross paths with Spencer Adams again and can finally settle the score. A score that has already been outshadowed by my longer reign than his flash in a pan success… But to come full circle and to double down on the fact that no matter the differences in opponents for our comparative defenses… I didn't need my dimwitted buddies to help me fight smart… Can Spencer Adams say the same?
We fast forward through the rest of the road trip and all the shenanigans to the moment Felix walked off drunk dialing Heather the stripper.
(TFK) V/O
All the craziness from the road led us to this bar, a hipster’s haven and a safe place for all the special snowflakes of Portland. I watch as Felix who claims he isn't drunk walks off rambling into his phone leaving a voicemail for Heather the stripper, or that's what he called her as he finished off his last beer a few minutes ago.
(Zander Hobbs)
Hey, Thad! They got Queen’s “We are the champions”...
(TFK) V/O
The moment he says it is the moment he instantly regrets it…
(Zander Hobbs)
Sorry boss… I guess I'm going to stick to Blitzkrieg Bop…
(TFK)
Good call…
(TFK) V/O
I watch as Reece introduces Craig to the bartender, a triple D having brunette with serious DSL installed.
(Shaw)
This ol bugger with the cock drawn on his face, is Craig Lewis and the rumors in the locker room is he's got some serious tackle.
(TFK) V/O
I chuckle to myself as i see Craig turn bright red and run off, obviously to call his wife and confess his impure thoughts about the double decker bartender who Reece Shaw is about to mack on.
(Zander Hobbs)
Welp wish me luck, I'm about to kick start this bar!
(TFK) V/O
Zander barrels toward the dj booth with tits of fury and I notice a dirty hipster with a freshly greased up handlebar mustache interrupt Shaw’s advances.
(Mr. Mustachio)
Welcome to Portland, I see you drinking a Heineken, that's just adorable… Am I right?
(TFK) V/O
I simply take a sip from my tiki cup of spiced rum and Dr. pepper, as I see Shaw’s jaw tighten up. This isn't going to end well for Mr. Mustachio hipster…
(Shaw)
Excuse me, mate? Would you mind holding it for me, for a second?
(TFK)
Oh god, this guy can't be this stupid…
(TFK) V/O
But he was… Shaw hands the bottle to the hipster and just as fast he headbutts him in the bridge of the nose just as Zander hit the opening notes of Blitzkrieg Bop.
(TFK) V/O
I hold off for a second letting Shaw wipe the floor with the guy, but suddenly back up shows up from a bunch of weekend keyboard warriors with neckbeards for days and B.O. that could drop a smell deaf nun. I look to the far side of the bar and notice Craig preoccupied with his phone call confession, realizing it's going to be just Shaw and me… I shrug it off and spring into action, punching one fellow who resembled Chaz Bono, actually may have been Chaz Bono, but ah fuck it. I follow up that punch with a rake of the eyes on the grown up version of Dexter’s Lab and I toss him up over the bar. Reece sees me and gives a thumbs up as we now slide into each other back to back. For some reason the scene from Boondock Saints where DeFoe screams, “There was a FIRE FIGHT and fuck FIGHTSMART!” comes to mind… Yeah, yeah, we've all seen it…
(Felix)
You cucks want to cowboy up?!
(TFK) V/O
Just like that the tides turn with the loveable burn out, Felix joining the pack. The three of us stand tall back to back, ready to dismantle these fuck boy hipsters as Zander sings and Craig cries like a little bitch… In the end, this is obviously foreshadowing for how we will band together to dick over #FightSmart… Bring on the war because these battles have already been won.
(Tarantino)
Cut!!! Good work everyone… God I don't know how all that came together… I mean I just wanted to gut the fat one at the beginning and tell an overly convoluted tale of how we got to this point, but Thad you truly have an eye for directing.
Tarantino looks at Zander.
(Tarantino)
And you! You legit blew a guy at a truck stop! A true fucking professional sir! I'm not even close to being worthy!
The fight broke out right before my very eyes, the kind that normally is displayed in a shoot’em up bar saloon western, but the difference, this cinematic delight was filled with Seattle's Best and giant man babies who thinks it's cool not to be cool… Shaw leaped into action because a greased up handlebar mustache wearing hipster made fun of his beer of choice and said IPAs are king. Zander stood on a karaoke stage singing “Blitzkrieg Bop” and surprisingly slaying it as Craig argued with his wife in the far corner of the bar… But as all of this shit storm was unfolding, I could only think about all the hell that lead to this very moment…
The film footage stops as if an omnipotent figure pushed the rewind button on life and the entire night scrambles until we stop inside of the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts. A beaten TFK stumbles down the hallway with Craig playing human crutch for him assisting as he goes. They run into Zander who is holding Thad’s locker room door open.
(Zander Hobbs)
Get in here, Cham-
Craig delivers a “what the fuck, man” look and Zander pulls back.
(Zander Hobbs)
Sorry… Come on in boss…
The three shuffle into the locker room and Thad folds himself up as tight as possible as he falls into a black leather recliner. Craig and Zander pull up black folding steel chairs.
(Craig)
You have nothing to be ashamed of, Thad…
(Zander Hobbs)
It's true, sir. This whole ordeal reminds me of my old boss in fact… Kevin Bishop lost his WCF People's Championship to that no good #BeachKrew bastard, Jared Holmes, just as he was going to defeat Teo Del Sol’s record of longest reigning champion… Do you know what he did after that?
Thad still zones out, but Craig is compelled by Zander's story.
(Craig)
What did he do, Zander?
(Zander Hobbs)
He went on to become THEE GREATEST WORLD CHAMPION IN UCI HISTORY!
Zander throws up a thumbs up.
(Zander Hobbs)
True story.
(Craig)
This is the same guy who's choking harder than Stormy Daniels on the the President’s thick as of late?
Zander shrugs.
(Zander Hobbs)
I don't know, man… He's working on getting his mojo back, i guess.
Zander boops the nose of a very zoned out TFK.
(Zander Hobbs)
It's your time to move past that US trinket and aim higher, boss.
Craig nods and gives Zander a thumbs up.
(Craig)
He's right, man and we all know this is YOUR picture, so it's about time you get back to correcting this production.
Zander grabs his phone that's vibrating.
(Zander Hobbs)
Well this just in… You have a main event match on Clash next week against #FightSmart…
Thad uncoils a bit at the mention of main eventing.
(Craig)
Oooo, see a nice main event match next week… And where's that talentless hack, Kidsgrove at on the card?
(Zander Hobbs)
Answer… He's not even on the CARD…
(Craig)
See? He gets your title and then gets to sit at home while you go on to show the WORLD that you are Wrestler of the Year material and you belong in that main event scene.
Thad shrugs a bit wiping tears and snot from his face.
(Zander Hobbs)
Besides, you owe Spencer Adams an Armageddon size beat down and it's about time you put that gold digger, Lincoln NOT SO “COOL”ley down once and for all. His mouth writes checks… So many damn checks and no one has been able to make the poor thought stick in his head that his ass can't cash them.
Craig pats Thad on the back.
(Craig)
It's time to buck up…
(Zander Hobbs)
Besides, you're teaming with the longest reigning tag champs in PW:K this week.
(TFK)
Really?
Craig and Zander both nod.
(TFK)
Main event with Power Word:Kill?
Craig and Zander nod again.
(TFK)
Teaming with TFK?
Craig and Zander nod in unison hanging onto every word.
(TFK)
Versus the broken shell of whatever is remaining of #FightSmart?
(Craig)
Yes…
(Zander Hobbs)
Yes, boss…
Thad sits up in his chair with a slight smile on his face.
(TFK)
Well… Might as well get those chubs ready to be firmly put in an upward position, because this is going to be a ride’em hard and put’em away wet kind of match… Tort, Digger, Stasiak, and the very fiber of the universe is pulling true power together… Dominance has been shown by TFK and PW:K since the first days of their title reigns… I may not get over my lose over night here, but I'm not going to shirk my duties next week in that main event match…
Then the door is kicked in with Felix and Shaw standing before TFK and his entourage.
(TFK)
Felix?
(Felix)
Damn right, Felix. You going to keep crying in Zander’s breast milk or are you coming to Portland with us?
(Craig)
I have heard there's nothing more legendary than a PW:K road trip…
Shaw looks at Zander with disgust and Zander awkwardly smiles at him.
(Zander Hobbs)
Don't worry I'll bring snacks…
Shaw rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
(Shaw)
Bullocks…
Thad stands up and shrugs.
(TFK)
Portland or bust…
(TFK) V/O
If you believed that a simple road trip to Portland, Oregon from Boston, Massachusetts was going to be a simple one… Well, you haven't watched a TFK produced promo before… 3,091 miles a day and 21 hours… This was going to be my love letter to the fucking Bandit…
(TFK) V/O
We are West Bound and Sound… Loaded up and trucking… We're going to do what they say can't be done… Roll that video monkeys!
The Smokey and the Bandit theme plays as we roll on.
A b-roll of a bad helicopter view of a Mazda Miata being quickly followed by a black Escalade speeding down a busy highway.
(TFK) V/O
Shenanigans was a foot and the one of the receiving end was Zander. I wasn't sure how well PW:K and I would mesh outside of the interwebs, but how they poke fun at my boys in the very same fashion as I do, I have no doubts that we are cut from the same cloth.
The two vehicles pull off at a rest stop somewhere in Ohio and Zander makes a diarrhea run toward the bathrooms gripping his ass hole. Everyone else stretches their legs next to their respected cars.
(Felix)
Is that guy alright?
(TFK)
His snacks consisted of homemade apple sauce that was left in the glove compartment of the Escalade and a pack or RedBull… Needless to say, he's going to be Eastbound and Down for a minute or two…
(Shaw)
He's a crazed cracker who's a few pence short of a quid…
Craig stares dumbfoundead at Shaw.
(Craig)
So these # guys are a threat, right?
(Felix)
#FightSmart has become a disgrace of itself ever since Adams lost his title… Hell they're a FarCry from their original group and with three mouth pieces chomping at the same main event bit, it's not hard to see they're not on the same page at all.
(TFK)
Craig is just worried that Ol’ Stella lost her groove here and she needs to get it back…
(Shaw)
Whoa mate, you planning on giving a Jamaican man your thick?
Craig laughs.
(Craig)
You should've gone with an Austin Powers reference, Thad.
(TFK)
Long story short, I lost my mojo and I'm out to prove I'm not damaged goods.
At that moment, the guys turn to see a yelling Zander Hobbs barreling down the sidewalk from the bathrooms followed by a large trucker smiling zipping his pants up.
(TFK)
The fuck happen there, Zander?
Zander hangs his head.
(Zander Hobbs)
I got… I got… I got Hostessed…
Craig busts out laughing as the others shrug.
(Craig)
Where's the cream fillin’, Zander?
Zander shakes his head in shame.
(Zander Hobbs)
In my… belly…
(Shaw)
Thad… Your mates…
Thad chuckles.
(TFK)
Yeah I know…
Everyone returns to their vehicles and the adventure continues down the road. Return the b-roll of the two cars driving down the busy highway with the zooming by scenery.
(TFK) V/O
The day was one filled of Zander bashing which really lifted my spirits after taking the L from Kidsgrove and losing my US title… The critics eating me alive after my loss telling me I didn't show how much my US title meant to me… As if it was some ex-wife finally telling me why our relationship fell apart because I didn't make her special anymore… I digress on the matter because my friends and those whom I respect in this industry are attempting to bring me out of my rut with this road trip… Zander trying to represent Action Wrestling at the same level of Lincoln Kuechly by performing “action” in a truck stop bathroom definitely brought a smile to my face… As well as what I'm doing now…
Zander drives the car as Thad stretches to the backseat where Craig is snoring with his mouth open. Thad draws a very articulate throbbing dick that is ejaculating in Craig's open mouth. Zander notices and starts roaring with laughter which jostles Craig awake enough to shrug it off as Thad quickly returns to his seat.
(TFK) V/O
I don't know how I got stuck with these two but I wouldn't trade them for the world…
The b-roll continues this time fading images of popular monuments appear.
(TFK) V/O
As proven time and time again, my boys aren't my muscle… So when I go back to Spencer Adams getting the better of me, I take the losses in stride because I know my US title reign did more for Action Wrestling than his and Link's reigns combined. The broken shell of #FightSmart doesn't bother me either, because I can feel the kind of chemistry with Shaw and Felix that you can't play out in a freakin movie. I watch as all the members of #FS claim they're destined for that top spot and all that tells me is there going to be resentment if there isn't already… Or Link is too delusional to know that he's being dragged along with no real pay off waiting for him… I mean I've seen that movie and it was fucking Spicoli, Sean Penn himself playing a damned retard trying to keep his daughter… And before you question me about I Am Sam, just know that, it's a movie on Link’s level. I do not fear our opponents this week because they've already been exposed by my partners at every turn. Felix and Shaw are the most dominant tag team in Action Wrestling and that's exactly why they've held their tag titles for so long. No matter how you look at our collective records, you can't honestly discredit any of it. You can try, because many have fucking tried, but the truth of the matter is located in the record books. We weren't fluke champions and we weren't fucking place holders. We look like a dominant former US Champion teaming with a dominant current tag team on paper… And we're still more of a force to be reckoned with than #FightSmart. Kyle Kemp is talented and it's a shame he's painted as a simpleton yes man with Link, following and waiting for the scraps to fall from Spencer Adams’s table on high… To let you in on a little secret, his table is always a table for one, which is surprising because I would think his ego would demand its own seat as well… Crazy how I get to cross paths with Spencer Adams again and can finally settle the score. A score that has already been outshadowed by my longer reign than his flash in a pan success… But to come full circle and to double down on the fact that no matter the differences in opponents for our comparative defenses… I didn't need my dimwitted buddies to help me fight smart… Can Spencer Adams say the same?
We fast forward through the rest of the road trip and all the shenanigans to the moment Felix walked off drunk dialing Heather the stripper.
(TFK) V/O
All the craziness from the road led us to this bar, a hipster’s haven and a safe place for all the special snowflakes of Portland. I watch as Felix who claims he isn't drunk walks off rambling into his phone leaving a voicemail for Heather the stripper, or that's what he called her as he finished off his last beer a few minutes ago.
(Zander Hobbs)
Hey, Thad! They got Queen’s “We are the champions”...
(TFK) V/O
The moment he says it is the moment he instantly regrets it…
(Zander Hobbs)
Sorry boss… I guess I'm going to stick to Blitzkrieg Bop…
(TFK)
Good call…
(TFK) V/O
I watch as Reece introduces Craig to the bartender, a triple D having brunette with serious DSL installed.
(Shaw)
This ol bugger with the cock drawn on his face, is Craig Lewis and the rumors in the locker room is he's got some serious tackle.
(TFK) V/O
I chuckle to myself as i see Craig turn bright red and run off, obviously to call his wife and confess his impure thoughts about the double decker bartender who Reece Shaw is about to mack on.
(Zander Hobbs)
Welp wish me luck, I'm about to kick start this bar!
(TFK) V/O
Zander barrels toward the dj booth with tits of fury and I notice a dirty hipster with a freshly greased up handlebar mustache interrupt Shaw’s advances.
(Mr. Mustachio)
Welcome to Portland, I see you drinking a Heineken, that's just adorable… Am I right?
(TFK) V/O
I simply take a sip from my tiki cup of spiced rum and Dr. pepper, as I see Shaw’s jaw tighten up. This isn't going to end well for Mr. Mustachio hipster…
(Shaw)
Excuse me, mate? Would you mind holding it for me, for a second?
(TFK)
Oh god, this guy can't be this stupid…
(TFK) V/O
But he was… Shaw hands the bottle to the hipster and just as fast he headbutts him in the bridge of the nose just as Zander hit the opening notes of Blitzkrieg Bop.
(TFK) V/O
I hold off for a second letting Shaw wipe the floor with the guy, but suddenly back up shows up from a bunch of weekend keyboard warriors with neckbeards for days and B.O. that could drop a smell deaf nun. I look to the far side of the bar and notice Craig preoccupied with his phone call confession, realizing it's going to be just Shaw and me… I shrug it off and spring into action, punching one fellow who resembled Chaz Bono, actually may have been Chaz Bono, but ah fuck it. I follow up that punch with a rake of the eyes on the grown up version of Dexter’s Lab and I toss him up over the bar. Reece sees me and gives a thumbs up as we now slide into each other back to back. For some reason the scene from Boondock Saints where DeFoe screams, “There was a FIRE FIGHT and fuck FIGHTSMART!” comes to mind… Yeah, yeah, we've all seen it…
(Felix)
You cucks want to cowboy up?!
(TFK) V/O
Just like that the tides turn with the loveable burn out, Felix joining the pack. The three of us stand tall back to back, ready to dismantle these fuck boy hipsters as Zander sings and Craig cries like a little bitch… In the end, this is obviously foreshadowing for how we will band together to dick over #FightSmart… Bring on the war because these battles have already been won.
(Tarantino)
Cut!!! Good work everyone… God I don't know how all that came together… I mean I just wanted to gut the fat one at the beginning and tell an overly convoluted tale of how we got to this point, but Thad you truly have an eye for directing.
Tarantino looks at Zander.
(Tarantino)
And you! You legit blew a guy at a truck stop! A true fucking professional sir! I'm not even close to being worthy!