Post by Action Reel on Mar 1, 2021 22:56:39 GMT -5
Chiefhawk Street Fight
Jim Mud vs. Donald Deruty
Jim Mud vs. Donald Deruty
Jimmy Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve seen a night full of big moments and high stakes so far, but there aren’t many much bigger than Jim Mud versus Donald Deruty!
JJ Biggs: This is an intense one! In a night filled with competition, this is going to be two men just trying to beat the life out of one another.
Jimmy Garcia: We don’t..really know what all a Chiefhawk Street Fight entails, but we’ve got a crew on standby in Chiefhawk county and it’s time we find out together!
We cut from the arena to a darkened mobile home park where the camera pans from trailer to trailer, letting the view linger on a locale in considerable disrepair. We see a black 2020 Honda Accord roll down the gravel road in front of the rows of trailers before coming to a stop. Deruty steps out from the passenger seat and says a couple words to the driver before closing the door and being left alone. We see Deruty in a pair of jeans and a custom AW embroidered shirt from “Custom Efed Merch” who you can find @efedmerch on Twitter.
Donald Deruty: I’m here, Mud! Let’s do this!
Deruty turns in place and jukes just in time, narrowly avoiding being completely flattened by a pickup flying towards him from off-screen. As Deruty tucks and rolls, the pickup crashes into a grouping of garbage cans and comes to a stop.
Donald Deruty: Gotta be quicker than that!
Deruty regains his footing and makes his way towards the front cabin. He yanks the door open and pulls the driver out by his collar. Yanking him to his feet, he sees an unfamiliar oil-stained redneck. He hoists the figure up across his shoulders and leaps backward and lands on the ground below with a picture perfect Samoan Drop. The man lay motionless, appearing to already have been nearly knocked unconscious upon the truck’s impact. Deruty is quick back to his feet and calls out once more.
Donald Deruty: You’re the one who wanted this! Show yourself!
Jim Mud: It’s over, Don! I have the high ground!
The voice cuts through the chilly environment. Deruty looks up just in time to see Jim Mud sprinting across the top of a double wide and throwing himself off the top onto the general manager of CruiserClash. Upon his shitty crossbody landing, Mud immediately lays into Deruty with stiff rights. He pulls a stunned Deruty to his and whips him towards the scrambled garbage can pile and D-Day goes crashing and burning.
Jim Mud: I'm freakin' PUMPED! I been drinkin' green tea all goddamn DAY!
Mud picks up one of the garbage cans and smashes it over D-Day’s head.
Jim Mud: GOD! I go to church every goddamn Sunday! You gonna bring the DEMONS outta me?!
D-Day is yanked back to his feet once more and dragged over to a poorly constructed picket fence and whips Deruty towards it, but Deruty manages to reverse momentum and send Mud sprinting towards the fencing. Deputy lets out a primal scream and takes off like a fucking goon and SPEARS JIM MUD THROUGH THE FENCE. Commentators would be losing their minds over this part, but I’m not writing them into this match.
Donald Deruty: You...son...of a bitch..
Deruty’s breathing is heavy and sort of all over the place from the impact as he tries to carry on with the smack talk. He drags Mud this time towards an above ground pool. It’s not one of the ones with the cheap metal siding from WalMart that people get when the fuck money drops and use for like a year either, rather one of those entirely cloth ones that get hella stinky, because the last stimulus check was only six-hundred LOL.
Donald Deruty: You should’ve never asked for this!
D-Day brings him to the edge and shoves his head down under the water while Mud flails about. Deruty yanks his head back up while Mud gasps for air. He spits in Mud’s face but gets a back body drop for his trouble and is sent flying to his back. D-Day gasps in pain as air rushes out of his lungs. He manages to crawl up and rest against the side of the pool. Mud leans down to laugh in the GM’s face and takes a few steps back before charging forward with his right boot extended. The moment it makes contact, the pool is torn wide open and rushing water sends the two men towards the skirting of the mobile home.
The two men struggle to their feet, slipping upward basically as they trade sluggish blows and move towards the back steps of the trailer. Once at the top step, Deruty smashes Mud’s head off the door and yanks it open, throwing Mud inside and sending him across the kitchen floor. There is a heavy set couple on a pair of milk crates. The man furrows his brow as the girl turns around in surprise, her weird tits and gut flopping out of the bottom of a swimsuit top that’s five sizes too small.
Donald Deruty: I….erm….my bad.
Woman: Go on! I think it’s hot!
Man: If that’s what she wants...then yes...go on.
Deruty clearly thinks it’s sus, but he’s too busy whipping ass to care much. He grabs a frying pan and smacks it off Mud’s dome and Mud collapses back against the shitty, fake linoleum floor. D-Day finds a frisbee that looks like it was used as a dinner plate and with the flick of a wrist, slides it perfectly into the side of Mud’s head just as the Chiefhawk native tries to get back to his feet. Deruty delivers a few more NICE punches and locks his arm in under Mud’s chin. He lifts and him up for a vertical suplex and Mud’s legs damn near shoot through and has him hovering just above their kitchen table. The woman coos in delight and clearly edges herself as-
The feed returns as we see Jim Mud and Donald Deruty roaring at each other with rage, each of them wielding a gas nozzle and launching gasoline at one another which completely drenches each competitors and pours out onto the surrounding pavement. They battle for control or something and then close the distance before Mud straight up domes Deruty with the nozzle like a javelin. He picks Deruty up as we can see a bystander scurry away. Mud drags Deruty towards the front doors of what we can now clearly make out as a Casey’s General Store. Mud hoists Deruty onto his shoulders and a customer lets out an “ope!” and politely holds the door for the brawling pair.
Once inside Mud hits a Samoan drop, driving Deruty down once again. He goes to the pizza case and pulls out a piece of veggie which nobody actually wants, but that’s all they have. Oh well. Mud grabs a bottle of Risata off a shelf and takes a big swig before smashing it over Deruty’s back and sending glass all over the fuckin’ place. He drags Deruty by the arm towards the row of cooler doors, but is met with a smack across the face. Jim grimaces as it lands stiff.
Some guy: Hey, Jim.
Jim Mud: How’s it going?
He goes back to being hurt now, don’t worry.
Donald Deruty: Stay. DOWN!
Deruty tries to smack Mud with one of the cooler doors, but Mud stops its momentum with his foot and sends an elbow into Deruty’s gut. As soon as he reverses the momentum, he swings the cooler door towards Deruty with one hand and uses the other to drive D-Day’s head through the glass pane! Nobody screams at this really, because Casey’s cashiers are all dead inside. Mud laughs maniaclly and then-
Old fat man in a silk Superman button up shirt: Hi! I’m Vance MacFarlane! Welcome to Chiefhawk Guitars! We’ve got some great deals for you! Lots of great gear that I only marked up an extra fifty dollars! If you’re looking for music gear, organic sulfur, fake scam investments, or just a place to sit down and listen to twelve dogs barking over each other and take in the smell of bleach, because that’s what I use on the floors they shit on instead of...instead of taking them outside like a normal person would do then come on down to Chiefhawk Guitars where there’s only one way to rock and we ALWAYS trust the plan!
As soon as Vance MacFarlane ends his shitty YouTube video, Mud and D-Day come barreling into his guitar shop and D-Day fucking LAUNCHES Mud across a counter and sends like two dozen guitars crashing to the floor.
Vance MacFarlane: OH, JESUS FUCKIN’ CHRIST! KATH! KATH!
D-Day is smashing guitar after guitar over Jim Mud’s body, but Mud like isn’t dead somehow which I can’t really explain.
Vance MacFarlane: GOD DAMMIT! WHO THE FUCK IS GONNA CLEAN ALL THIS SHIT UP! I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M ALWAYS THE FUCKIN’ [EXPLITIVE DELETED], ALWAYS DOIN’ EVERYTHING AROUND HERE! I DON’T GET NO FUCKIN’ HELP!
We recover the feed in this piss poor excuse for a town and find Deruty and Mud now in a sports bar. We see Mud yanking Deruty by the collar and dragging him face first across the bar which sends drinks all over the place. He lifts D-Day up by the throat, but D-Day has a shot glass stashed in his hands and smashes it into the bridge of Mud’s nose. Mud damn near goes blind and starts thrashing wildly in pain. Deruty kicks him towards the doors and the two exit where they’re met by a riverside area. Deruty smirks as he leads Mud towards the start of a large swing span bridge overlooking the river.
The two exchange more generic blows which I’m using to imply some degree of distance traveled rather than just jumping to the spot again. Match pacing is hard. I’m sure you understand.
Donald Deruty: You’re done for, Mud!
They approach the base of the bridge and D-Day goes to round the corner to begin the walk across, but Mud hits a hip toss to shake Deruty. He searches the area for a weapon with limited resources and and retrieves a long, slender piece of driftwood. He smashes that shit into D-Day’s gut and it just falls apart.
This is where an announcer would be like “MAH GAWD!” because we cut back in with the two men battling on the ledge dead center in the middle of the bridge where they teeter high above the water below.
Jim Mud: You shouldn’t have never come here, Don.
Deruty spits out a mouthful of blood now and smiles.
Donald Deruty: Fuck...you..
D-Day sends a stiff right into the injured nose of Mud who wobbles and nearly falls in, but scurries in time to regain his balance and comes right back with a wad of spit of his own which sends a shot of chewing tobacco into D-Day’s eyes. Mud delivers a stiff headbutt and D-Day loses his grip. The camera focuses on Mud’s face as the scene falls silent. We hear a splash against the water below. Mud slinks back and sits against the ledge, looking down at the water. The camera pans down to see what Mud sees which is, of course, nothing. The camera cuts out one final time.