Age of Innocence I: From smoke and ash, we rise.
Feb 24, 2021 13:58:41 GMT -5
Flop, Ned the Intern, and 6 more like this
Post by Lissie Hope on Feb 24, 2021 13:58:41 GMT -5
Chapter I. Out of the dark. I still find myself talking to you; I can be alone in my bedroom in the middle of the night, tangled in the sheets, unable to free myself. The night terrors attack even when I’m finally able to rest my mind enough to allow my body to rejuvenate. It’s not every night; there are still some nights where I’m staring at the hands on the clock tick by, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour. It’s torment, because I know there are moments when I can see you, and everything is vivid. I feel you, and your presence is like a warm blanket on my soul. But then I have to wake, and I come back to reality. I’ll never see you again. Hear you again. Feel you again. This world is a dark place, filled with dark people. The ones who criticize, and who use their words and their platform to abuse the weak-minded. I feel like I’m being punished, every day, for what I let happen to you. In a weird way, maybe I deserve it. Why would God take the saint, but leave the sinner? That’s what I struggle with. I can’t figure out why. I was weak. I was paralyzed by own fear. A fear of being abandoned. Of being a failure. Of being alone. And I was being so selfish, not understanding how my decisions would affect those that do love me. I just wanted to follow you into the abyss. But at the last moment before I saw you, I had second-thoughts. I wanted to erase what I’d just done. It was almost too late. I’m trying to make things right, Robbie. I’m trying to be repaired. The faces in the crowd forgave me, but they don’t know the whole story. Not yet. And it’s time I tell them. ♀️ December | She told me to arrive at a quarter till five, even though I hadn’t even been discharged for more than a couple of hours. Feeling the sunlight on my arms was like a sensation I was experiencing again for the first time. In a weird way, it was; I was so close. But somehow, I fought through. With the help from a tremendous team of doctors, from the love and support of my mother, and my fans like Mae, and my friends like Howard and Carter. My boyfriend, Spencer. My ex-boyfriend. And from her. I couldn’t let them down again. They saw me at my worst, and they stuck with me despite every natural inclination to let me go. They wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to accept her help. But I had no other choice. I arrived at the doorway of the lobby, and the automatic glass spread for me, inviting me in. My knees felt like rubber; my feet made of stone. I passed a row of synthetic potted yucca trees lining the walkway. A rock garden with a small fountain served as a median. Much to my surprise, she was waiting for me. Lissie, I’m glad you made it. Follow me. She didn’t give me a chance to reconsider. She was magnetic, and I followed her lead, removing my large-framed sunglasses from my eyes. I felt the skin around my pupils heavy as I adjusted to the natural light in the spacious office. Rows and rows of potted plants lined the walkway. With so much light that comes in here, why don’t you plant the real things? Everything here feels so... artificial. She smirked and looked back at me, not indulging me with an answer. We arrived at her office and she turned a handle. We walked into the modestly decorated room, a pair of maroon leather arm-chairs faced one another, positioned at a forty-five degree angle. A pair of small end tables flanked them. Have a seat. You thirsty? My throat was itchy and dry. I was thirsty. But I looked over at the table against the wall, and under the shadows of framed awards, commendations, and degrees, laid a pair of quarter-full decanters. A pair of crystal clear Old-Fashioned glasses called to me like a siren. No thanks, I’m good. I already felt uneasy, and I had just arrived. Thankfully, she noticed my apprehension and reached underneath, pulling out a pair of bottled waters. She placed one on the table next to me, and sat across from me, a smirk forming on her lips. How are you feeling? A little -- She noticed my voice trailing off as I crossed my arms over my chest, guarding myself. I still had the hospital bracelet around my wrist, and quickly tucked it underneath my sleeve. Overwhelmed? I nodded. That’s okay. Coming back into the world after your… experience… That’s one word for it. The world never stopped without you in it. Everyone continued on with their days. And that’s a strange feeling. I don’t know what it's like since I’ve never experienced it, but that’s what I want to find out. You don’t even know me. Well, that’s why we’re here, right? I don’t even know why I’m here, to be honest. So let’s figure it out. She pauses, noticing I’m not biting. Look, I’m not pretending to be your psychiatrist. Or your psychologist. That’s not why I asked you to come today. And I'm not looking for one. The last one I had almost killed me. Yeah, I heard about that. I looked at her, puzzled. I know a lot more than you think. You’re a woman of many talents. She smirked and I shifted in my seat, my eyes veering in all directions in the office space. Interior decorating isn’t one of ‘em, shit. What did you do, google “trendy, hipster office furniture” on Pinterest? She didn’t acknowledge that. What do you need, Lissie? What are you looking for? I shrugged, not entirely sure what she was asking. Do you still want to wrestle? Eventually. You’re up for a lot of awards. There’s still a lot of people who want to see you win them. Who cares? You do. You’re a queen without a crown, Lissie. Don’t you want to take it back? That’s the last thing on my mind. Alright, so you’re focusing on yourself. That’s good. You can reflect, you can repair. You can rise out of the darkness that nearly pulled you under. So let’s get to that point. I don’t know why, but I was starting to believe her. This psychologist you spoke to… Dr. Chavez… he was obviously a corporate shill. Someone who approached you all wrong, because he was doing it with the company’s interest in mind. Corporate intervention is all for public relations. And you saw through that. I admire your cynicism. My cynicism led me to swallow a handful of pills and end up in a hospital bed for a week. You were a black eye on Action Wrestling, but now you’re back. And you’re seeking a purpose, right? As much as you might not believe it right now, you’re not beyond repair, Lissie. I started to cry. Embarrassed. I’m not here to judge you for the worst decision you’ve ever made, Lissie. She reached over and gripped my hand in hers. Let yourself off the hook. What happened to your brother was not your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for it. She was telling me everything I needed to hear. Let us help you. You need a support system. You need people to look out for you. Stability. Routine. You need a family. I nodded, agreeing with her. I’ve gotta go. But thank you. I removed myself from the chair and walked over to the table with the decanters of top-shelf liquor. My hand grazed over the lid as I looked up at the framed awards, realizing we had a lot more in common than I ever realized. I really wanted to pour myself a drink, but I abstained and turned to look at her. I’m going to AA. I need to fix myself. Pull myself out of the dark. You do that, Lissie. And come back when you’re ready. ♀️ She watched Lissie leave the room, and the door to a connecting office opened up. In walked the two men who interviewed Mae a few days before. So how did it go? I think it went according to plan. Is she in? Her smile turned devilish. She will be. |