Post by Orret the Match Writer on Dec 18, 2020 23:54:27 GMT -5
Cameras go through the doors of a convention space. An easel outside has “ORIBS.COM” written on its dry-erase board in blue bubble lettering. Through the doors, we now see Orret Goldrock with a headset addressing the backs of heads and their fancy suits.
“Greetings investors, now, as I’m told, you were sent packets about Orbids.com. Well, you’re in luck, while we’re not ‘publicly trading’ there will be an increased public element. I hereby announce our movement from the esoteric business of antiquities into the modern world of information.
What sort of information you say? I’ll let you decide that for yourselves.
Let’s begin with easy targets with browser history you could hack through a local library. Accounts like Alex Scott or Koyla – that’s right, we’re talking AW exclusives here! – buying more Everlast gear than Americans learning to box on Jan 1 for fitness.
YouTube – Sure! Karlie Nash has every episode of Cougar Town on demand. Or the 10,000 suplex videos in Trey Bocuhet’s spank bank. They have em and we found them!
Facebook – NO PROBLEM! Sara Pettis might be just RIP posts about Raging Dead who’s now only one of those things. Alice, well… we just dig up old photos she can’t bring herself to delete from like 10 years ago. Love is the easiest target. That’s why you NEVER get romantically involved in business. Otherwise you’ll pull a full Besos.
EASY TARGETS! Oh, you want something deeper?
Let’s dive into the sensitive: How about the new darling of Cruiser Clash, Reo Raijin, the new Kamen Rider who blogs revenge fantasies about opponents. Or ZMAC whose drug habit survives like dubstep, popping up in dumpsters across the knowns of cyberspace.
Look, we can focus on the contenders of every match here and out since the show began. We know JC Keeton will keep steady on the middle ground and I’ll underperform for the right price. But hear you and sense your whetted appetites. Let’s show you the true power of our new ventures into cyberspace.
Action fans have followed Max Daemon since his meteoric arrival, right? Well… we’ve track that seedy underbelly of a family into some dark shit. We dox phones no problem! Maybe next time Miranda will spend a dollar more on Nord VPN. Or we could just dump revenge porn of Max’s gun fetish. Everyone is clickbait for the highest bidder!
What about our tag champions? Teo Blaze and Andre Jensen aren’t going to pop up on your LinkedIn because they’re just too damn disconnected. My moles go where late night searches will not. Drones can track their movements. But truly, their insecurity is that no one really believes they had enough personality become a team, let alone one person. I know I’m just being catty, but Jensen in particular collects items with the same magical power as the Joy of Cooking. Their a recipe for disaster because no one thinks they’re good enough. Well… the proof is in the curry.
Now for the info everyone came to buy. That’s right… I’ve got the good on your unstoppable champion.
Ah ah—this shit ain’t free! Not until I your checks in the collection plate! Go on… I’ll wait.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
We’ve been tracking everything about this 90’s Mandalorian. The man behind the mask. But I’m not stupid enough to share this on a microphone! This is golden information. IF you want to topple the Clash division, you have to go for the heart. That people, is his reason to fight. Get him where it hurts. Find Buddy Roman and you’ll know what it means to conquer. Insight from that perverted, bloodthirsty ringmaster, whose latent existence plagues us like the memories of WCF, can topple his flimsy castle in one blow. Find this man… then you’ll control the monster HE let loose in the ring.
Questions? GOOD! Now ask them with YOUR WALLETS!”
The camera pans out from the miniature dais and Orret in his finest jerkin where dozens of investors clamber over him for more information.
“Greetings investors, now, as I’m told, you were sent packets about Orbids.com. Well, you’re in luck, while we’re not ‘publicly trading’ there will be an increased public element. I hereby announce our movement from the esoteric business of antiquities into the modern world of information.
What sort of information you say? I’ll let you decide that for yourselves.
Let’s begin with easy targets with browser history you could hack through a local library. Accounts like Alex Scott or Koyla – that’s right, we’re talking AW exclusives here! – buying more Everlast gear than Americans learning to box on Jan 1 for fitness.
YouTube – Sure! Karlie Nash has every episode of Cougar Town on demand. Or the 10,000 suplex videos in Trey Bocuhet’s spank bank. They have em and we found them!
Facebook – NO PROBLEM! Sara Pettis might be just RIP posts about Raging Dead who’s now only one of those things. Alice, well… we just dig up old photos she can’t bring herself to delete from like 10 years ago. Love is the easiest target. That’s why you NEVER get romantically involved in business. Otherwise you’ll pull a full Besos.
EASY TARGETS! Oh, you want something deeper?
Let’s dive into the sensitive: How about the new darling of Cruiser Clash, Reo Raijin, the new Kamen Rider who blogs revenge fantasies about opponents. Or ZMAC whose drug habit survives like dubstep, popping up in dumpsters across the knowns of cyberspace.
Look, we can focus on the contenders of every match here and out since the show began. We know JC Keeton will keep steady on the middle ground and I’ll underperform for the right price. But hear you and sense your whetted appetites. Let’s show you the true power of our new ventures into cyberspace.
Action fans have followed Max Daemon since his meteoric arrival, right? Well… we’ve track that seedy underbelly of a family into some dark shit. We dox phones no problem! Maybe next time Miranda will spend a dollar more on Nord VPN. Or we could just dump revenge porn of Max’s gun fetish. Everyone is clickbait for the highest bidder!
What about our tag champions? Teo Blaze and Andre Jensen aren’t going to pop up on your LinkedIn because they’re just too damn disconnected. My moles go where late night searches will not. Drones can track their movements. But truly, their insecurity is that no one really believes they had enough personality become a team, let alone one person. I know I’m just being catty, but Jensen in particular collects items with the same magical power as the Joy of Cooking. Their a recipe for disaster because no one thinks they’re good enough. Well… the proof is in the curry.
Now for the info everyone came to buy. That’s right… I’ve got the good on your unstoppable champion.
Ah ah—this shit ain’t free! Not until I your checks in the collection plate! Go on… I’ll wait.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
We’ve been tracking everything about this 90’s Mandalorian. The man behind the mask. But I’m not stupid enough to share this on a microphone! This is golden information. IF you want to topple the Clash division, you have to go for the heart. That people, is his reason to fight. Get him where it hurts. Find Buddy Roman and you’ll know what it means to conquer. Insight from that perverted, bloodthirsty ringmaster, whose latent existence plagues us like the memories of WCF, can topple his flimsy castle in one blow. Find this man… then you’ll control the monster HE let loose in the ring.
Questions? GOOD! Now ask them with YOUR WALLETS!”
The camera pans out from the miniature dais and Orret in his finest jerkin where dozens of investors clamber over him for more information.